Parades, phalanges and procrastination
Thanksgiving.
It’s freezing in my house. A chilly 70 degrees. Yes, that’s cold. When you’re used to temps in the 120’s.
I can barely feel my toes. I refuse to turn the heater up – I just got the electricity bill down from the Summer. I don’t need the gas bill competing with it.
Since my son was church mousing around the house at 4 in the morning, I’m sure I won’t be seeing his bright-eyed face until it’s almost time to go to my parents house this afternoon.
So, Butters and I have been watching the Thanksgiving Day parades and pacing. Mostly I’m pacing. She’s relocated a few times.
I can never sit still.
I go from room to room – swipe my email update – check Facebook – go to another room – make a mental list of everything that needs to be done in said room, then leave it.
I’m bathed – dressed – and bored.
I’m sure there’s someone out there completely inundated with people and activity that would love to switch places with me.
They would know better what to do with boredom. Not me. I am restless!
Unmotivated and restless.
It’s a really bad combination of things to be. I could have had at least 3 projects crossed off my list right now if I had a teeny tiny bit of motivation in me this morning.
I think by typing I feel like I’m getting something accomplished – besides, it keeps my fingers from freezing.
Speaking of fingers. Yesterday I managed to staple my finger …
I happened to have two people in my office at the time – and much to their amusement I did the ‘Is it bad?? OMG, I don’t want to look … IS it bad?? Look … no, wait – don’t look’ thing. All whilst giggling.
One visitor took photos while the other said “Oh, yeah, that’s in there.” Then proceeded to leave me.
Not before announcing to my boss in the room across from us, “She stapled her finger,” to which there was no response.
I think he’s pretty used to hearing anything when it comes to a) Announcements (muttering, unprovoked fits of laughter, cursing) from my office b) Updates from other people as to what Amanda has managed to do now. He’s desensitized. Can’t blame him really.
Probably he managed an eyeroll – maybe even sighed a little.
I was laughing and wondering if the femoral artery got anywhere near the finger tip – (It could! Well … if you’re scratching your leg) then just bravely strolled to the kitchen, grabbed a bandaid from the friend that left, turned on the faucet and yanked the offending staple from my sore phalange.
It really wasn’t bad at all. Provided a little excitement on a day that was crawling by. (I swear, the clock was taking one tick forward and two ticks back!)
Much like today. Some teeny bopper is singing with Ninja Turtles on the tv. Butters is sleeping in the living room and I’m shivering at the kitchen table.
For the sake of not becoming hypothermic – I shall bid you all a Happy Thanksgiving (And Hanukkah!) and start one of my projects.
Too much
It’s true.
And I’m okay with that.
Thinking too much feeds my imagination, my curiosity, my spirituality – my heart and my soul.
As long as I’m aware it is ‘too much’, and am able to set aside the findings with emotional health and a clearer understanding – it is a positive thing.
I am someone who craves truth.
If a thought occurs to me to which I don’t have an answer – I must find it!
From researching a topic to examining my own feelings.
I love to dig deep and discover.
If I’m not being genuinely me, I am emotionally, physically and mentally in turmoil. Even if I cross a line – ask too much – indulge in brief, unwarranted sadness – I can feel that I’ve at least been true to myself.
Truth I feel is internal – and honesty for me, is external.
I can’t lie.
I used to be able to – which was never a good thing. But in my quest to like myself – improve myself and heal myself – I evolved.
I obey laws and rules – admit when I’ve made mistakes – answer personal questions with complete honesty, (no matter how hard it is to share) – I tell the people I love that I love them, and when I don’t know where I stand – I ask.
It has been a relief to live in an untangled web.
Happy AND marshmallows
I am so completely happy today.
This morning began at work with a video call that brought such amazing news. I tried very hard to pay attention, but it’s hard to do when looking at someone who is one of your favorite people on the planet.
You would think that would be enough happy for the day (and it is – more than enough.) But, today was also Thanksgiving feast day at work.
All day long the smell of roast turkey permeated every corner of the office.
I probably heard ‘Oh my God, that smell is making me so hungry!’ at least half a dozen times as people passed by my room. I was responsible for another six of those comments.
When it finally came time to sit down together – like the family we are – plates were piled high.
Everyone had brought a dish (except me, I volunteered to clean up afterward.)
I made an amazing discovery as I took my first forkful.
Marshmallow goes with EVERYTHING!
The candied yams had mingled with the pasta – zucchini – turkey – cranberries and mashed potatoes.
The Ghostbusters were on to something.
Seriously.
There wasn’t anything on my plate that wasn’t elevated to a new and amazing level with the sticky sweet marshmallow on it.
So my day ended the way it began – very sweet.
And now, as I told my friends, I’m rolling around the house like a bloated tick. Stuffed and happy and smiling.
Happy Tuesday everyone.
Thankful … every day
Thanksgiving is just around the corner.
I’ve been reading my friends daily statuses declaring what they’re thankful for – been skirting around the people hovering over the turkeys in the grocery stores, and rolling my eyes at the premature Christmas commercials.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not a Grinch.
I love this time of year – the Season that squeezes out a little extra joy from people. I don’t even mind the decorations being up early, it’s nice to see festive lights and warm sentiments on a chilly day.
That being said – I’m not really a ‘Thanksgiving Day’ fan.
For a few reasons. One being that I’m from England and didn’t grow up celebrating Thanksgiving. There is an equivalent in the UK, ‘Harvest Festival’ – I recall it lasted longer than one day, but the premise of being thankful and contributing food to the community was the same?
I also have a problem with the whole Pilgrim/Indian story angle. A tale of a peaceful, bountiful meal shared between two blended cultures. Historically accurate? Um, no. Here’s a great article: What Really Happened at the First Thanksgiving? The Wampanoag Side of the Tale
The Indians – Native Americans – were ultimately wronged. And you can color that however you want – but I’m not buying it. Not even if it’s on sale at midnight at one of the greedy chain stores.
Another reason I’m not a huge fan of the fourth Thursday of November … the day after it.
Black Friday is a most obnoxious example of consumerism. The fact that it comes directly on the heels of the day when people are supposedly thankful for what they have, just makes it even more obnoxious in my book.
The only part of Thanksgiving I can get behind, (other than eating stuffing and brussel sprouts) is the Giving of Thanks.
I’m of the mind that we should be doing this every day – but, the fact that a day is set aside for it is certainly a beautiful thing.
So, with 2013 drawing to a close – I’ll share with you what I am most thankful for this year.
Rainer
When I chose to watch the documentary Hitlers Children on May 25th – I had no idea what effect it would end up having on my life.
A random selection on a topic I wanted to know more about – turned out not to be so random. I was learning of Rainer’s existence on the day he came to exist. His birthday.
As I sat there, crying – completely undone by his need to be a part of some change in the world – to take something horrific and find something good to do with it – I was moved to write my post ‘There is Such Good.’
What happened after that was a chain of events that led to becoming a small part of his big world.
www.daserbedeskommandanten.com was born and more than that – something very special cemented between us after over a thousand conversations.
There IS such good – and Rainer is good. Er ist mein Held.
My friends
I have the most amazing friends. I don’t get to spend much time with them, but it doesn’t seem to matter. When we are together, it’s as if no time has passed.
From my sweet friend that has the uncanny ability to show up without me having to say ‘I need someone to show up’ – to the friends I work with who make every day magical and my California friends that reach out and keep me laughing via Facebook.
And then there is my ‘BF’. The miles that separate my best friend and I are creatively bridged with daily chats – sharing of jokes and photos, quotes and discussions. I miss her – but we are always connected. There isn’t a room in my home that doesn’t have a piece of her in it.
When I am going through hard times, or joyous ones – all of my friends are there for me. And I hope they know, I am always here for them.
I’m so fortunate to have people in my life who love me for who I am, who think differently than me, who are genuine and trustworthy. For that I am so blessed and very grateful.
This blog
I love to write almost as much as I love to read.
I’ve been able to purge and process major life events here with you. I am all over the place with this blog, I know, but, there is a common theme.
Life.
Motherhood, daily concerns, stress, happiness, gratitude and venting – all here. Interviews with amazing people and photographs of things that caught my eye. All here. All me. All shared.
I remember being so nervous about going public – but I had to be brave. I wrote for a while anonymously, with only a few trusted friends knowing where to find the blog. Now when I publish a new post – I immediately tell the world.
I really am an open book – I can’t comfortably function in life with secrets. I can’t comfortably live in my skin without truth.
This blog has been very comforting.
My job
Yes, it’s been a topic I’ve vented about. But, just work in particular, not my specific job. I love my job. The other day when I was walking to the kitchen in my building – I felt … at home. I love the people I work with. We are like a family. And, I am very aware that I am fortunate enough to have a job that makes a positive difference in people’s lives. I get to be a part of someone obtaining a home.
I am also very grateful for my part-time job – although I complain about that too. (I really need to stop complaining.) Again, it isn’t ‘the job’ that I vent about – it’s more so the fact that I have no choice but to do it.
I think I hoped that by 44, my ducks would be in more of a relaxed row – but I still struggle. Struggle is good – it makes us strong – but I think I’m done doing everything by myself now. I’m tired and ready for the next chapter in my life.
My son
Oh Nicholas. The center of my world. The person that genuinely makes me laugh out loud on a daily basis. The boy who taught me what true love was and became a man who teaches me more about myself than he knows. I would lay down and die without hesitation for my boy.
I also choose to live for him. To be the best person I am capable of being for him. I wanted to give him the world – and this year, I am so grateful that he was able to see some of it!
What started as a hopeful dream – a seemingly unobtainable goal – happened. It really happened. Nicholas spent a month and a half in England. He met family and friends, visited the city I was born and the street where I grew up.
I’m so grateful he was exposed to another culture – to history – to his own heritage. I hope he looks back on that trip with fondness for the rest of his life – and I pray he adds more adventures and never stops exploring our beautiful world.
Everything
Truly. Just … everything.
Everything I have, everything I don’t have. I am thankful for my family, music, art, dreams, stories, animals. For hope and love and butterflies in my stomach.
Everyday I am thankful for waking up. For the ability to see colors, hear sounds, smell fragrances – feel, hold, touch and to think (too much <– right Rainy? lol)
I am thankful for diversity, variety and for sameness too – I am thankful for humanity and … I am thankful for you.
Musings from the laundromat: Wishful Cleaning Edition
Leaving my bed was difficult this morning – but if I wanted any sort of ‘weekend’ I knew the last of the chores had to be finished.
I’ve been cleaning since I got home Friday – which resulted in a wounded foot, me having to iron, and approximately 5 garbage bags full of things I was never going to throw away.
I’m still not done.
I’m not an unclean person – or an untidy one for that matter – I’m just not home long enough to prove otherwise to my satisfaction.
Couple that with the fact that I went from almost 2000 square feet plus a two car garage to about … 10 square feet and no garage, and you can see my dilemma.
So now there is a possibility that someone is coming to visit – I entered panic mode.
I actually asked my son’s girlfriend “What do you notice about the house? How would you describe it?”
There were no wrong answers, and I was not going to be offended. It is what it is. The small home I live in now was definitely a ‘material’ step down, but it was what I could afford at the time and definitely a ‘happiness’ step UP.
“It’s … cozy, but can be messy.”
“Where? Where can it be messy?” I asked as I cut my eyes over to my son, who really should be helping more.
“The kitchen.”
She’s right. First of all, the house is cozy. People feel at home in my home. I’ve heard ‘cozy’ before. That’s good.
As for the kitchen. Everyone has ‘that’ counter that keys, paperwork, mail, jackets get flung upon. That happens at our place too – except, we don’t have counters. So the dining room table we never sit at, is usually littered with such things.
As for the ‘laundry room’ that became the garage. Holiday boxes, cleaning supplies, battery chargers, crock pots, computer monitors, computer towers – everything too large to be anywhere else, ended up there.
It really shouldn’t bother me – people who love me aren’t going to judge me by my home, but come on! Even when you have relatives coming don’t you prepare by doing the crazy cleaning?
So crazy cleaning is still in progress.
Being at the laundromat almost feels like a vacation today.
Debauchery Soup 