Musings from the Laundromat: Innocence lost – From Shar Pei to Smooth (and crunchy) Criminal
Butters and I have a delightful ‘thing’ we do.
Every night during the Summer, when the sun goes down – I say to her “Wanna go see your lizards??” She understands this and eagerly stands wagging at the front door.
It’s adorable.
The porch light attracts a myriad of Summer winged bugs and is prime real estate for Summer winged bug eaters.
We have a little family (maybe their not related – maybe it’s more of a commune?) of lizards living above the light, just under the eaves.
Butters will run out, sit staring at the wall and jump up to interact with one if she spots it.
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Last year she accidentally killed one – she placed it in her outdoor day bed and curled up with it. It was the most heartbreaking thing to witness.
Dead lizard, belly up – drying in the sun.
Dog treating it like a pup.
I let her grieve for her lost friend for a day or two, then disposed of it.
Last night, before bed – I asked ‘Wanna see your lizards?’
We stepped outside and she flew at the wall and BAM!
She must have nailed it just right.
Those manatee lips of hers may be cute, but they seem to be an impairment when it comes to getting anything flat or small past them and into her mouth.
Porch light lizard, (that I didn’t even have a chance to see) successfully (or, unsuccessfully from its point of view I’m sure) arrived in the mouth of my dog.
I stood in horror.
I thought she would spit it out – and what was I going to do to end the suffering of a mangled lizard??
No need to have worried myself with that ‘what if’.
My innocent, lover-not-a-fighter, cowardly manatee started chewing.
Intently.
I was still stood staring and my eyes widened with every crunch.
She then trotted over to her water bucket and delicately drank – it was like watching someone gingerly dab their lips with a fine linen napkin after tearing into a slab of raw meat.
It was then I noticed she had not devoured all of it.
I was disgusted – my stomach roiling.
Then I remembered she sleeps with me.
I was not taking any chances.
While she doesn’t often snuggle too close, many nights I wake to her standing inches away from my face, breathing heavily.
I washed her face – lips and tongue – and tossed a dental hygiene bone on the carpet for her.
I wonder if the other lizards have noticed their friend is missing??
What if I find tiny little ‘lost’ posters near the porch light tonight?!?
What if they spot the tail at the scene and surmise there was a struggle?
I shall have to get rid of the evidence.
Which makes me an accomplice to my canine criminal.
*sigh*
Slipping through my fingers
I just returned from a special day with my mom.
Driving home it was 111 degrees in my car, but I had goosebumps on my skin while listening to this song.
It is our song – no doubt.
We both cried the first time we saw this scene in a local movie theater. For different reasons I thought at the time, but now I’m not so sure.
I had chosen the soundtrack for the car ride today as it was our special mother-daughter day.
She mentioned Dancing Queen and how she related to it and to the part of the movie when Meryl Streep said “I used to have fun.”
She told me one day I would understand.
I reminded her that ‘one day’ had come.
I look back now at the days before I was a mother. When I was the Dancing Queen – young and, okay, not so sweet. But God did I live!
I know she did too.
She was young and beautiful and had hopes and dreams.
I do understand.
I keep catching up to points in her life all the time – and all the while she’s having new experiences that ‘one day’ I’ll understand.
“Do I really see what’s in her mind
Each time I think I’m close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time”
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I wonder if my mom knows how much she still means to me.
I watched her today, on a spa table.
She was on her back, eyes closed – golden red hair splayed out around her and she looked … so beautiful.
“Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it …”
I said nothing for a while – just stared at her.
This woman who was my entire world when I was that school girl.
She lay there, very still, lit by artificial light – as if she were no longer alive.
I couldn’t bear the thought of it.
“You’ll make a beautiful corpse.” I said.
She smiled.
We have a wicked sense of humor.
“Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers
Slipping through my fingers all the time”
The thing about becoming a mother, is that it’s the exact moment we realize how much our own mothers love us!
Then in necessary irony, the universe shifts the pull of gravity from her to our own children.
But as my child becomes a man, I find an unmistakable pull back to the woman who once had my whole heart.
Today I wanted to soak up every second I had with her – catching glimpses of the woman who once sat brushing my hair, making my porridge, stroking my forehead.
“Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake, I let precious time go by
Then when she’s gone, there’s that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I can’t deny”
As I dropped her off home – we both said our I love you’s and good-bye’s … I suddenly wanted to never say good-bye.
I wanted my head in her lap as she stroked my forehead – I wanted to see her dance and to talk about her hopes and dreams.
She got out of the car and turned and waved …
“Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness”
Slipping through my fingers all the time.
Oh … so that explains the kitten
I had horrible dreams last night – meteors crashing to earth and creatures coming out of a mire – of course, I was trying to photograph them. I’m always taking photographs in my dreams.
And then I dreamed of an abandoned kitten in a desk drawer – I rescued it.
Other than that, I tossed and turned mostly – denied my dog’s request to go outside and tried to snatch some sleep back that was taken from me.
When I got up, I looked up the significance of meteors – and was surprised to read that they represented success in a project. I then looked up kitten …
‘To see a kitten in your dream represents a transitional phase toward independence. You are ready to explore new things that life has to offer. Alternatively, the dream symbolizes innocence and purity.’
Well, let’s be realistic, I had to assume the first interpretation applied to me.
Got ready, fed the dog, caught up on the news, packed my lunch and went to work.
I spent approximately an hour there before I received a phone call telling me I was laid off.
Just – like – that.
Damn kitten!
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I liken the collecting and packing of personal items at work to that of a child packing to run away.
It’s usually done under emotional and stressful circumstances and you end up leaving important things behind and taking things you don’t need.
It wasn’t until I was driving home, realizing my key chain was one key lighter, that I remembered I forgot to grab my lunch.
There really isn’t much time to say ‘good bye’ or to leave a place properly when you’ve been asked to leave.
And this isn’t my first redundancy rodeo. This is the second time this year I’ve been laid off.
Not fired.
Let’s make that clear. I give 110% in all I do.
I won’t share the reasons or the company – just suffice it to say, changes were inevitable, I just didn’t expect I was on the chopping block today at all.
Blindsided by that damn kitten.
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I am blessed though.
I am feeling positive.
I have proven to myself that I am capable of rising from the ashes and making the best of a situation, and this time will be no different.
I am not a ‘why me?’ person – I am an optimistic, realistic ‘why not me’ person.
And I have learned many lessons over the past few years and one of them is that you just stay in motion and keep showing up with a smile on your face and your hard work and attitude will be noticed.
And it was.
I am very fortunate to have some options that I am weighing.
I am very fortunate to have a healthy son. Loving family. Amazing friends.
I have my sight, my hearing, my voice – the use of all of my limbs and am pain-free.
Today.
And all I have is today.
With a determined eye to the future and a willingness to change and learn.
Baby tooth wishes and Le Ballon rouge
Something reminded today me of the short film ‘The Red Balloon’.
I smiled and asked anyone and everyone in the near vicinity if they had seen it. No one had.
I was shocked!
What a classic.
I explained the premise and went on to add that when I was younger – when the helium began to exit my balloons, I’d pretend they were following me.
Why do I share these things?? We’d already established they hadn’t seen the movie, how does ‘I pretended my balloons were following me’ not sound completely insane??
Anyway, this did start a walk down memory lane for myself and a co-worker.
She shared that she was convinced her toys had parties when her eyes were closed.
She would open one eye ever so carefully in hopes of catching them in the act.
That suddenly reminded me of a very similar childhood memory.
I had placed a tooth under my pillow and awoke to not only a coin, but a little note from the tooth fairy!!
Tiny, scratchy letters explained that explained that I was to be granted one wish.
Looking back, I’m thinking that was a really risky experiment on behalf of the letter writer – depending on what I wished for. What if I really wanted an elephant??
I was loosing baby teeth for crying out loud – my head was so far in the atmosphere no balloons, red or otherwise, could reach me – my wishes were pretty out there.
I wrote back to the fairy … my wish?
I wished that my dolls and stuffed animals could come to life.
I walked to school the next day with a friend and excitedly told her that by the time I got home, probably my toys would already be alive!!!
I could not WAIT!
You know – I don’t remember much more than that.
I don’t remember being disappointed that it didn’t happen either …
I reckon I just figured she had something more important come up – or perhaps my mom confessed.
Either way – I was filled for a brief time with a magical feeling and such innocent excitement.
It was that time in my life when I believed with my whole heart such things were possible..
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I just called and asked my mom about this. I asked her how she handled my wish … she said she moved my toys around in the night so that when I woke up, they would be in different spots.
I don’t remember that.
I then asked ‘What if I had asked for a pony??’ to which she replied ‘Well, I’d probably have got one for the day and then explained that it couldn’t stay.’
This is where I get my love of magical things from.
This is why I chewed up carrots and spat them out on the porch so my son would believe in reindeer … why I sprinkled glitter around the fireplace then walked through it to leave jolly boot prints.
Probably why I write and certainly why I love to read.
And definitely why I still believe anything is possible.
P.S. I just received an instant message from her as I was about to hit ‘publish’ it reads: “Oh, by the way, I deny writing the letter, the tooth fairy really did do it.”
it is in the pause
It is in the quiet moments
the noticing of shadows
Light
solitary mornings
starry skied nights
head tilted back
staring
It is in moments of pause
between a thought
and writing it down
It is while I swallow
Exhale
Sigh
When I smile without witness
Cry without agenda
Shiver at the beauty of a song
Close my heavy lids and yawn
It is when I lose myself in a thought
It is when I gaze upon my child
think of my love
and notice my blessings
that there is peace
silence
truth
Debauchery Soup 