Cicada belts and Butter whines
I had the Happy Day’s theme song playing in my head this morning – not for any nostalgic reasons – and I re-worked the lyrics to a little something like this:
“One o’clock, two o’clock, three o’clock F@&%!”
The first time I was summoned from sleep by my whining manatee was one a.m. precisely.
I slowly peeled my eyes open to the dim sight of Butters a mere inch away from my head.
She’s pretty patient when it comes to waiting for me to struggle out of bed and shuffle towards the front door.
Pretty patient for such a whining, antsy, slumber saboteur.
At the door I heard the most annoying noise.
Loud – squealing – chirping.
I’m trying NOT to wake up completely, so I’m only using a portion of my faculties on purpose – I did manage to wonder if maybe a cicada was right outside?
Did I want it inside? No.
Did I have the energy to care? No.
Then I thought it sounded like a small car malfunctioning fan belt.
Did I want a small car inside? No.
Did I have the energy to care? No.
Out the dog went without the introduction of either cicada, or small car into my humble abode.
Back to bed I went, without any concern for the open front door.
Next time I’ll just hang little welcome signs up for any scorpions or sun spiders and any other nocturnal creepy crawly hard shelled nightmares.
Ooo! Here we have a sun spider actually eating a cicada.
As far as I know, the only creature that entered the house after I stomped back to my bed was of the 4 legged variety.
I know this because approximately an hour later, said 4 legged creature wanted back outside.
1. Whine.
2. Stare.
3. Come within inch of human.
4. Whine again.
5. Repeat.
Almost e v e r y hour on the hour.
This morning – as Butters somehow managed her 5:30 a.m. wake up call after her restless night, I discovered the source of both the noise, and what must have bugging my insomni-pup.
The neighbors.
Not directly them this time – but their air conditioning unit.
As I stood on the porch with my coffee I heard the screech and whine of a slipping belt coming from it.
Wonderful.
I hope it doesn’t break completely – as the Fonz and I wouldn’t want them not being ‘cool’.
Correction!: Okay, OKAY!!! As a testament to how tired I am – I will tell you that I only NOW realized, after publishing, that the song in my head was not the Happy Days theme song at all – but this one. Jeez.
I’m not changing it though – because then I’ll lose my whole Fonz/Cool thing. Ayyyy!
I need sleep.
Musings from the Laundromat: Friends & Change edition
I’m musing on my notepad since the internet connection is not connecting at the laundromat.
I was thinking on the way over, of change.
It’s amazing sometimes isn’t it, when we look back over the years, sometimes months or even just days and think ‘If I knew then that things would be so different now …”
Then what?
Nothing, that’s what.
You’d end up changing the outcome by knowing what it was supposed to be.
That whole seeing into the future thing is not a good idea.
If you knew a job wasn’t going to work out – you might quit before learning a valuable skill you needed for later.
If you knew a relationship wasn’t going to end up being your ‘forever after’, you might abandon it before experiencing new emotions, or becoming stronger for having made mistakes.
A song was on the radio in the car and it reminded me of someone.
I think about exes from time to time – then I segue off onto wondering if I ever cross their minds.
I hope I do.
They all meant something to me and always will.
So back to change …
Since the start of the year I have now been in 3 different jobs, gone from not knowing what life would be like without the constant that is my son, to living alone lately.
The thing that hasn’t changed, and rarely does, are the friends I have.
______________________________
I was surprised to hear a friend was coming to town that I usually only see once a year, usually Christmas time. It was literally Christmas in July to get to see her for dinner Sunday night!
On the heels of ‘friend Sunday’ came ‘inevitable Monday’ and a pretty rough week.
Work is amazing, I love my new position.
The logo I created was delivered and stuck to our freshly painted red wall … I remember the first time I was published and seeing the paper – yeah, it was a little like that.
I’m blurring so much here – but want you to see the logo at least. I assure you, the wall does not look like a horrid smudge of letters.
We’re still figuring out procedures and I’m still on a crash course of figuring out how to do what I do. This I have no problem with. I adapt. I learn quickly, that was no lie on my resume.
My forte is creation. Creation, progression and completion. Love it.
Needless to say though, even a whole day doing your favorite things can be exhausting.
I found myself coming home and sitting on the couch in a hyper-minded/numb-bodied state every evening.
On top of the exhilarating chaos that is the birth of a new company, we had ‘sabotage day’ or ‘Cablegate’ as I am thinking of it now.
Our suite connects to the old company we all worked for. It was sadly closing while we were opening. A very emotional thing to watch.
I get attached to people and routines. After 3 1/2 years, to see the people I care about slowly leaving, while an office that once thrived emptied to nothing but a shell – well, it wasn’t pleasant to say the least.
Our office parties, the holidays we shared, the smell of Thanksgiving turkey, the sounds of laughter – phones ringing, microwaves beeping, deliveries arriving – the hustle and bustle, Gone.
All gone now.
It was down to just the Broker this past week – and a trickling of agents bringing out the last of the items going with them.
One morning I arrived to the news that the keys to the mail box were missing and all the drawers had been left open.
Did I know where they were? No, I did not.
Also the internet was down.
No problem, I told the Broker he could use our WIFI, I would give him the code.
I finally made it into our suite only to discover that our internet was not working either … nor our phones.
The utility closet that houses the cables and technical ‘things’ is located in the old office.
And it was locked.
And that key shared the key chain that had gone missing.
A locksmith was called out and after summoning the internet technicians out too, the long and short of it is that someone had come in the night and left a final ‘F-you!’ for us. (Yes, we have a very good idea who it was – no, we have no proof)
Equipment lay on the floor of the closet and various pieces hung from the wall. Then, discovered hidden in the ceiling, the recently cut wires that connected our suite to the outside world.
The police were called – locks were changed and a temporary fix was made to attach cables to the frayed ends of the severed ones.
Sabotage.
A lot of talk about karma came up. I’m of the mind that anyone angry enough or capable of such a crime already has to live with themselves.
We were back up and running and were not going to let that set-back have anymore power (or lack of) over us than it deserved.
______________________________
Friday arrived and I was ready for a relaxing weekend.
I climbed out of my car, came through my gate and opened the front door.
And was greeted by – silence.
Butters was nowhere to be seen – or heard. And trust me, my hairy manatee is an excitable girl. She wriggles and whines and leaps at my return.
I had locked the door so she couldn’t be out?
Then slowly, a small noise and as I set my purse down, she limped out of my bedroom.
She hadn’t eaten – hadn’t taken a drink from her water bowl. Her tail hung between her legs and she moved gingerly.
I dropped to the floor beside her and started an examination – and to my horror, she let me.
I’ll try to describe her exuberance … I can’t get a leash on her in any time under 20 minutes. Trying to get her to stay still for her collar after a bath is like trying to hold back a herd of children at the Disneyland gates.
And she lay there – letting me probe between her pads for burrs – press her leg to test for warmth or tender spots.
I could see nothing out of the usual.
She then left me to lay in the bathroom. Not limping. (Perhaps she had just been laying awkwardly on it before I got home?) Now she was listless, shivering and unmoving.
I checked her ears, her eyes, her gums, her stomach … all the while wondering “What will I do? How will I afford to get her care??” And telling her – “Don’t you leave me.”
My eyes welled with tears as I reached out to the online community for ideas.
My friend that ‘always knows when to show up’ threw some clothes on and abandoned her Friday night after her own long week, and headed over to be with us.
Butters perked up a little.
“Maybe she’s depressed.” Said my friend.
She had a point.
Life as she had known it had changed too.
From having the run of the yard all day to being shut indoors – and the absence of her boy. Big changes for a little canine world.
Perhaps she was just depressed.
By the time my friend left, she seemed to have perked up. I stayed up with her until after 1 a.m. to be sure.
The next morning she was herself again.
Just like that!
I quickly went to the grocery store returning with lots of dog treats – cleaned the house and just as I finished Butters barked at the front door. (Music to my ears to hear her vocalize by the way.)
In walked my friend holding coffee and polystyrene boxes.
“I brought brunch.”
We sat across from each other and shared half of each box. Butters was treated to some bacon.
“My heart is smiling at my stomach right now,” I said. “This is right up there – top 10 happiest moments.”
And it was.
My dog was okay, my friend had showed up and the food was amazing.
Before she left I added, “You’re her favorite person that comes over.”
“I’m the only person who comes over.”
I had to laugh at that.
Point well made – but things change. Could be in a few months that I don’t even live here anymore.
But I can count on who will walk through my front door.
I can always count on my friends.
And I don’t want to know the future – because I might miss something getting there.
Until next time –
Strawberries, Scandals and Cloud Punching
It’s been a long productive week at the new office. Punctuated by singing along to awesome songs, random dance breaks and lots of laughter with my bosses. The new business I’m so fortunate to be a part of became official last week and my desk is amazing and stocked and I am now the Operations Manager of ‘Company X’.
This is one of the parts of my life I don’t share here. No last names, no addresses, no personal identifying information.
Seriously though, if anyone did some minor sleuthing, the gig would be up.
Still, I try to maintain some anonymity for the sake of others more than for myself.
This has been very difficult lately. I want to burst I’m so full of scandals and hypocrisy that I can’t share.
I mean, I COULD, but then I’d have to live with myself.
This is occurring more and more often by the way.
The live with myself part, not the scandals and hypocrisy.
I’m still without my son. He’s spending his weeks staying with my mom across the river and his spare time with his first love who will be leaving the state next month for college.
It has been weird without him.
Okay, I have been weird without him
I’ve taken talking to myself to a whole new level. I’ll have internal dialogues, then out of no where, verbalize a portion of it.
Example: I’ll be having a conversation with someone in my head (please tell me I’m not the only one who does this) then say something like “because it’s blue” out loud.
I’m one more week alone away from shopping cart mumbler.
Oh, and I can’t be still. I’m not reading anymore, not sitting outside listening to music while looking up at the stars – I’m not drawing or painting or taking my camera out on adventures.
I am back in my little hamster wheel of ‘wake up – bathe – dress – tend to animals – exit house – work – return from work – eat something unhealthy – prepare for bed’.
Here’s me on the couch trying for a serene look – mostly I just liked the light and since the dog now leaves when I start to put my ipad in camera mode (how does she know???) – and since NO ONE else is in my house, I have become my subject.
So fake though. Which is not how I am. It’s a snapshot of the shell. Inside I was still hurting and thinking and not serene at all.
The point is – this past year has left me so spun and undone that I can’t seem to find the energy to do the things I used to enjoy.
I put so much effort and faith into a person and project that I lost a bit of myself.
I put myself on the back burner and looked forward to promises of such an amazing future that I was okay with that.
Of course, gullible me believed what was never to be.
There are two people on my shit list right now. They need to be very cautious how they proceed because I’m not above doing a public service and sharing what I know and supporting it with evidence.
I would do this in case any other gullible person might have either of them on a pedestal and be naive enough to trust.
Wow.
That just came out of nowhere.
Still, I have not named names.
Just watch it – you both know who you are. So ‘good’ and selfless in public and so not in reality.
__________________________________
Let’s talk about sandwiches for a moment.
With Nic gone, I haven’t really been shopping for food. I have made random stops for ice cream, but I don’t think that counts.
It has been enlightening though, pretty sure this allergy free girl might have a touch of lactose intolerance. Although, the quantities in which I’m consuming said ice cream may render anyone intolerant of dairy.
Sandwich.
I was making lunch last week – and since I was out of greens for my cheese and veggie sandwich, I decided on peanut butter and jelly.
I got as far as the peanut butter and realized there was no jelly.
Okay, there sort of was jelly … it was in the pantry in a container and had liquified to jellorage status (Jelly/beverage – does that work? Might that catch on?)
It sure as hell wasn’t going on my sandwich, I knew that much.
I had some strawberries that weren’t getting any firmer, but hadn’t reached ‘throw me out!’ stage yet – so I got creative and chopped them up and placed them on the peanut butter.
(This may already be a thing. I’m reminded of when I opted for flour tortillas in lieu of bread when making a grilled cheese and meat concoction – ‘savory crepe’ I called it. Then had the embarrassing moment of my friend Micah pointing out ‘did you just invent the quesadilla?’ Groan.)
Anyway it was amazing!
And life is like that too.
Improvising when something is lacking in life – coming up with a solution that turns out to be better than the norm.
I actually did sit outside yesterday at sunset – and saw the most amazing cloud with sun streaming through it. I snapped a bad photo of it on my ipad (Butters fled) and shared it.
What I was thinking was it was beyond silver lining status – it was light and goodness breaking though the dark cloud with determination.
And that’s my next plan.
Stream through the dark clouds with truth – and sunlight and metaphorical chopped strawberries.
Still looking for good. Still believing in light and love.
But not afraid to call ‘bullshit!’ either.
Gullible girl is gone.
Musings From The Laundromat
“To Delete or not to Delete, that is the question.”
Wonder if Shakespeare had the internet if he would have erased any of his works. Maybe a poem he re-read in the morning and thought ‘That is crap – what was I thinking?’ (That is crapeth?) But because someone took the trouble to type set and print and distribute, he couldn’t do a take back.
You know who I think would post something and have writers remorse?
Poe.
I can imagine him having a particularly morose day and ingesting a bit of opium and pouring his heart out about unrequited cousin love. Then waking up the next morning to the caw of a raven (Do ravens caw? I think they caw. You’d think they’d crow.) anyway, waking up and slapping his forehead and groaning “Nevermore.”
I bet he’d delete.
What I’m getting to, via the scenic route, is that I contemplated taking my last post down.
I guess I wasn’t using large enough capitals when I said that I would never have done it. (Take ALL the medicine.) One tweet to me said ‘glad you didn’t kill yourself’ and I actually giggled – then thought, wait – did people not read ALL of my words?
It’s not a funny topic. I’m not making light of it. And believe me, I was disturbed by how easily the thought came to be – and if I’m going to be disturbed, I’m bringing you along for the ride.
Because that’s what I do.
I will not delete.
There are diaries I threw away from my days of debauchery that I so wish I hadn’t. I’m not making that mistake again. Authentic – unedited – Me. That’s what you get.
I share the Good, the Bad and the Ugly with you.
Only when it is my story to tell.
Trust me when I say, if I felt comfortable naming names of some people in my life, and completely removing my moral filter, there are posts that I could write that would go viral and change lives – and not for the better.
Which is why I don’t write them.
Great segue to my next random thought.
My Prince of 14 months finally traveled to my country very recently – however, not to my Kingdom.
That was a shot to the heart.
(Now I have Bon Jovi singing in my head)
I have eased some of the pain with lots and lots of ice cream. Which is such a stereotypical ‘girl-with-broken-heart’ thing to do. Yet SO unlike me.
I have never been a big ice cream fan. But my son and I got into a little phase of banana splits recently and I got hooked. I think mostly it’s all the whipped cream and nuts I put on top.
Maybe I should just have a ginormous bowl of whipped cream and nuts? Or skip it and just go straight for the cream directly from the can.
I spent quality time yesterday with two bowls of rocky road ice cream (with copious amounts of whipped cream and nuts on top of course) and watched a couple of movies.
Last weekend my son found a blu-ray player that was a steal and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.
(He’s still not here much by the way – I’ve mentioned him twice, which would give the impression he’s been around, having banana splits and buying electronics and whatnot. He returned late last night and I only have two nights with him before he leaves the nest again for another week.)
SO back to the fuss. To be honest, I couldn’t see much of a difference. Although, to be fair and even more honest, my eyesight isn’t what it used to be and HD and non-HD look pretty similar to me.
I rented these:
First let me mention that this deal Nic got on the blu-ray DVD player didn’t include a remote.
Next let me mention that not all ‘Universal’ remotes are universal.
I spent the better part of an hour trying to program one to the Sony BDP S360 with no success.
I almost threw in the towel and lamented the $4.75 I had spent on the rentals. Then decided not to throw any towels and spent another half of an hour googling my little ‘want-to-watch-a -movie-and-don’t-want-to-have-wasted-this-money’ heart out until I found a code.
(I do this as a public service – if you have a Sony blu-ray HD DVD Player – and if you have a cable remote – try 21516 for Comcast and 1516 for Suddenlink. It worked.) Thank GAWD!
The Wolf of Wall Street was okay – probably all the hype elevated my expectations to an unreasonable height. Leonardo is aging well though.
This Is 40 was okay as well. I love the actors in anything they’re in.
When they said the part about the time between 40 and 60 being the best years of your life – I did a cursory glance around my empty living room and thought, well, I’m 5 years in and have 15 years to catch up.
American Hustle I did not watch. The laundromat and DVD return box needed to be one trip – god forbid I exit the house twice on a Sunday.
Besides, my boy is home and laundry is done and the couch across from me won’t be empty today.
I’m staying put and enjoying what will be one of the best days of my week – and maybe sharing some of my ice cream.
Deleting trips away from loved ones is ‘to be’.
_____________________________________
*late breaking news – after publishing, and excitedly showing Nic the salmon and pie I planned for our dinner, my boy announced he has plans for the day and night. 
#@&*!!
I’m refraining from heading to the freezer … but let’s face it, it’s inevitable.
Empty couch and ice cream are in my very near future.
The truth of it …
It’s been a rough few weeks.
And because I must always be honest in order to feel any serenity at all – I’m sharing an ugly part of it with you.
Last month I shared that I lost my job – since then my son gained one. He’s been away a lot, staying with my mom in a neighboring State to cut down on his commute.
I on the other hand, had been home a lot, and his absence filled every room with a palpable foreshadowing.
I then received an urgent call from my landlady.
She was warning me that she had finally presented my nightmare neighbors with paperwork, and that it did not go well and they were angry with me apparently.
The truth of it was that after all the traffic, drugs, domestic violence and general disregard for the community – the community had had enough.
She tried to tell them that it was more than one complaint from more than one neighbor. But they had decided the closest to them was the snitch.
I knew what they were capable of, so to learn this was in short, terrifying.
My routine had to change – I feared they might harm Butters, my dog, in my absence. I feared another attack on my car during the night. I wasn’t so concerned about them breaking in and doing me bodily harm, but still had a hard time falling to sleep – and am keeping weapons at my bedside.
Add to this that I found myself in the middle of a triangle of toxicity when it came to matters of the heart.
I was lonely. Scared. Had too much time to think and had too many things going on – my serenity was shot and my stomach cramped with emotional discomfort while my heart ached.
Night after night I looked across at an empty couch.
It isn’t so much that Nicholas wasn’t sitting on it. He’s spreading his beautiful wings and while I miss him, I’m proud of his ability to fly.
It was that nobody was sitting on it.
Problem is, I know myself well enough to know that I don’t want anyone constantly on the couch across from me – and yet I was lonely.
I walked around the house in a fog.
One night – as I was taking my medicine, I had the thought ‘I could take ALL of my medicine.’
This thought didn’t hang uncomfortably in the air – it blended into the room as if it belonged there.
I could take ALL the medicine and cease to be.
At that moment of time, I was terrifyingly okay with that.
I felt I’ve seen and done more than 100 lifetimes. I felt my role in my son’s life was shrinking to nonexistence. I felt I would never be loved the way that I loved. I felt so completely depleted of all my hopes and energy that I had nothing further to do here.
And God how I love life!
I do.
I have SUCH gratitude for my humble shelter – the food in my kitchen – the pictures in clouds and the beauty of weeds. I seek out good everywhere I look – I love to the nth degree and I cherish every friend and loved one in my life.
And still I stood staring down thinking ‘I could take ALL of my medicine.’
It breaks my heart.
But at the same time, there was a beauty in letting myself feel that pain and hopelessness – I knew I was being what I always strive to be. Authentic.
I wasn’t brushing the thought away like an annoying gnat with a ‘Don’t be silly.’
I KNEW I would not do it. I knew this. But I knew the thought was very, very real and could not be discounted.
It forced me to look at, then let out – all my pent-up emotions.
It forced me to stop for a moment – without flitting from dishes to dog and errands to emails and look myself, literally in the eyes.
I stood at the mirror, leaned over my bathroom sink and noticed myself.
There she was.
Amanda.
A real person who had been wearing herself so thin and worrying herself physically sick.
Miss independent – unsure if she could provide. Miss solitary – needing company. Miss brave – afraid to go outside.
And as Butters looked sadly at me, missing her boy – and not understanding why she had to be locked in the house all day – I felt completely lost and vulnerable.
But I felt.
And I always do – so deeply.
And though sadness overwhelms me – so does joy. I love in vibrant color with a panchromatic heart.
And I am content with ‘enough’ and I do not want ‘ALL’.
__________________________
I could poetically end there – but that would not be honest.
Things are looking up, they always do.
There is always hope waiting for those who can look at their lives and choose to live it.
I have an amazing job opportunity just around the corner, although, I’ll probably always have a healthy fear of not being able to provide the necessities.
I’m still sleeping with several weapons at my bedside, but so far so good as far as the neighbors go.
I’m still lonely, but this is a good thing for me! I used to think I didn’t have the capacity to need anyone. Craving human interaction is definitely a step in a healthy direction.
I have incredible friends that love me and show up.
I have a loving family that I can count on.
The world is so beautiful – and the universe is carving new paths all the time.
And I’m willing to walk them.
Debauchery Soup 