Category Archives: Uncategorized

A lighter shade of … Violet.

I am ultra sensitive to scents.  Smells.  Fragrances.  They mean SO much to me.  They either bring back fond memories, or alert me to danger.

Tonight – I lit, again, the Parma Violets candle my mum bought me whilst in England.  I only lit it the first time because I was reminded of Erma Bombeck (Remember her? Great writer.)

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What I never forgot that she said was this: “I would have burnt the pink candle that was sculptured like a rose before it melted while being stored.”

I’m trying to live like that.

I’ve been going through a scary time lately – and not just the loss of a love.  I caved and went to a doctor (in lieu of MY doctor who is on vacation and good for him! NO sarcasm intended at all!)

There was a good reason I may (and still might) have a blood clot in my leg.  And I was (still am) scared.

Alas!  (As she puts her hand to her forehead and appears as a damsel in distress)  I can’t afford the %&^ing ultra sound I need to rule it out!

(Swearing now swipes the damsel in distress image out no?)

ANYWAY!!!!!

I lit that candle.  Knowing – enjoy what you have.  Don’t save it!!!!!

Then I got to thinking about ‘smells’.  How important they are to me.

My Nannie was recently in the hospital – she’s 92.  My memories of her are tied into her greenhouse.  The smell of wood – and soil – and tomato plants.

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Then I got to thinking about Jim (of course) and he never wore cologne.  He was natural.  BUT!  Had a scent. And I’m loathing having to wash my bedding this weekend. I feel like it’s the final ‘Goodbye’.  I made sure to spray everything I use on a t-shirt for him to have – and all I have is – what still is.

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Yeah, I went from that guy – (who, now I look back on, was already depressed to be where he was)  to that pillow that seriously needs a washing.

Sorry – tangent.  I fucking miss him.  I do.  But I’m also not going to lie – I love … what do I love?   Having a home I don’t feel like I’m a guest in.  And he didn’t make me feel that way – I played host for too long.

I couldn’t afford to make that ‘visit’ fun anymore.

Tangent over.

So – VIOLET

I still completely SNIFF L’Oreal lipstick – to ME, it smells like violet.

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I think I’ve only bought two – because they’re expensive and I can’t justify the cost.  But, my GOD! They smell Freaking amazing.

Plus, I’m not a ‘make up’ chick.

ANYWAY!  Butters is feeling a loss – and I’ve positioned things in my bathroom (lol) so, when I’m squatted, I see what I love.  My son – and my love.

When will his pic come down?  That’s up to him.

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Bottom line here is – I’m still healing.

And I am sitting here smelling violet and I am calm.

But – I miss my guy.  And I’m so glad we grabbed the chance – and I’m so glad I lit the candle.  Life is … I want to say ‘short’ but I’m reminded by George Carlin – it’s the longest thing we’re going to do  – so why say that? lol.

x

 

Musings from the Laundromat: Oye Como Va – Mi Ritmo edition

Listen to how my rhythm goes …

Woke up at 8 and while brushing my teeth ‘Oye como va’ popped into my head.  Santana was brushing his teeth with me.

Out of nowhere – songs pop into my head.  I hear a song and remember a time, a place, a movie.  Mostly movies.  I can’t hear ‘Running on empty’ without thinking of Forrest Gump or ‘American Girl’ without thinking of Silence of the Lambs.

If all went as planned – today I would be waking up a wife.  Yesterday was to be my wedding day.  Instead, I woke knowing I have 4 days left living with the man who was to be my groom.

Life is like that.

That old joke:

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My fingers hurt – I’ve successfully bitten off every single nail.

My leg hurts – I pulled a hamstring  over a week ago and still so tender.  Gawd only knows how, I think we know by now I do NOT do exertion.

My heart hurts …

But life goes on.  Limping into action this morning I kept repeating ‘Oye como va’ in my head until I reached the laundromat.

Glaucoma man was here.  I think I startled him with a hug.  In fact I know I did because his reaction? “Oh!?”  Poor guy.  Sorry glaucoma man, but I hadn’t seen you and a familiar, albeit, a tad annoying face was welcome today.  OK, his face isn’t annoying, but his constant chatter while I try to type is.  Laundry lady’s patience wears thin with him too.  I try to give him all my attention though.

Just learned so much more about laundry lady by the way … about the grandchildren she never sees, about the ex-husband who drew up divorce papers for one dollar in prison.  About her son.

For an introvert, I sure chat a lot with the random people in my life.

That’s how my rhythm goes.

 

Musings from the Laundromat: The Staked Plains edition

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I don’t know what I did to deserve an Advance Reading Copy of Stefan Kiesbye’s new book ‘The Staked Plains’, but the invitation came from the author himself and that alone made me feel incredible.

Not one to look a gift author in the mouth, and considering he is one of my favorite authors, of course I politely and calmly said yes, I would LOVE to be included.

OK, it didn’t come out like that.  It was more – ‘teenage girl spots favorite boy band and proceeds to fan girl the fuck out.’

I was introduced to Kiesbye’s work when I read ‘Your House Is on Fire, Your Children all  Gone’ in 2013.

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I did the ‘carry the book around whilst bumping into walls’ thing with that one.   My nook went with me everywhere until the last sentence.

You know you have read a great book when you come out of that last page much like you would a matinee of a great movie.  Blinking against the light of day and disoriented.

Yesterday presented the perfect opportunity to sink into The Staked Plains and I proceeded to read the entire novella with a minimum of bathroom breaks.  No, the book did not come with me – are you kidding?  It’s my ARC copy!  I did hate to leave it on the couch though and hurried back to it.

When I reached the last few paragraphs, I greedily read them.  And then sat – stunned.

Absolutely stunned.

“He did it again.”  Was my first thought.

Not just write a damn good book, but managed to throw marbles under the feet of the reader.  I was off kilter.  Needing more!  I kept flipping to the ‘Acknowledgements’ and ‘About the Author’ pages hoping they’d magically fill with more of Kiesbye’s words.

Remember I’ve shared this before:

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Well, in this case, the curtains aren’t always blue.  Never mind Shrek, Kiesbye is like an onion!  Layers upon layers that you KNOW are there but too absorbed to ‘get’ on a first reading.  I know for a fact that I’ll need to read this book many more times and maybe even get a degree in archeology before completely understanding.

I love that by the way.  I don’t want to be dumbed down by a book.  I want to feel almost unworthy reading it.  I want the book to challenge me as I try to figure out who the characters are and why they’re doing what they’re doing – and honestly, with this book, Kiesbye keeps throwing those marbles.

I had told Stefan in an email that I would be reviewing the book today – and jokingly said “You don’t mind if I open with the last paragraph right?”  I would never.  But – let me try to sum up The Staked Plains without giving any of the meat away.  (OK, without trying, that last sentence might be an Easter Egg for you.)

For me, on first read – it’s about humanity in a barren environment, with a heaping spoonful of the supernatural. No one is who they seem – and yet they are.  Human.  Whatever that means.  And while the characters are written honestly, I still found myself surprised by what they were capable of – and of what they weren’t.

But that IS humanity no?

We’re all layers.  Capable of such good and born with so many juxtapositions inside of us.

The book made me uncomfortable because I felt like I was looking in a mirror and seeing everything I fight not to be, everything that is complex and ugly about me that I can’t tamp down sometimes.   And, everything honest and beautiful about my self too.

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Currently – the publication date for The Staked Plains is November 24th of this year.  THANK YOU Saddle Road Press for publishing this amazing book.   And, THANK YOU Stefan for remembering a fan who reached out two years ago with “Hurry up and write another book.”

 

Musings from the Laundromat: Fawn Legs, Secret Apple eating Agents and ARC edition

This is the last I’m going to speak of being sick.  I think if I convince myself I’m better, my body will follow.  Besides, it gets boring being sick, I can only imagine how it feels reading about it.

I’m late at the laundromat – put English comedy on last night and it proceeded to watch me.  I have slept so much it’s bonkers.

Felt like a weighted newborn fawn this morning balancing the two hefty laundry baskets on either side of my thinner frame.  (I’ve lost a few pounds in the process of mending.)

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Throat still sore – a few coughs, but I’m sure I’m not contagious anymore, so, back to work tomorrow.  I’ve missed everyone!  I have!  And was a little concerned when I was conscious, that work hadn’t called me.  Then Friday, I got the call.  Yes, they still knew I existed and yes, my inbox was growing taller by the day with work.  I was VERY happy about this.

I then got an email that I, in one hundred years would not have expected.

It was from one of my favorite authors.

Would I like an ARC of his new book?

Are you kidding me?  First of all, he somehow remembered me from 2013 and secondly, ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

I proceeded to fan girl out and make a fool of myself.  To be fair, I was still on pain killers, antibiotics and depleted human skills.

Well, I hope I didn’t scare him off too badly.

And yes, of course I asked for an interview – and he said yes. That’s if he talks to me again.

I’ve been doing a lot of stupid things lately.  Not feeling like myself.

Not feeling like I even like myself of late either.  Good thing is, I can absolutely change all of that.

I’ve got to focus.  Regroup.  Prioritize.

In the meantime, here I am, at the laundromat – taking care of business and … thinking about my next nap if I’m being completely honest.

In between sleeping, I did manage to catch up on all the Agents of Shield episodes on Netflix though.

And it’s either THAT, or the fact that he DOES look like an agent that has me cutting my eye over at this man across from me right now.

Nonchalantly eating an apple and reading a magazine.  Not just any magazine, but, as I walked by him to collect my washing, I did my surveillance – it’s a gossip rag.  Look at the posture?  Who sits like that anymore?  (She says jealously.)  And he’s wearing nice shoes.

Hmmmm ….  definitely some sort of law enforcement or undercover agent sent to check on the infected.

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I’m exhausted.  My little shaky fawn legs clearly aren’t the only deer traits I’ve adopted.  I’m staring at him whilst typing with wary eyes and ready to leap if I hear a leaf crunch.

Yeah, ok, that’s silly – there are no leaves.  But you know what I mean.

Only thing that doesn’t fit is, he does have his back to the room.

I’m losing it.

Told you I was sick.

But if you don’t hear from me next week – send out the cavalry.  I could be in a quarantined area much like the one in Fear the Walking Dead!!!

THEN how would I get my ARC of Kiesbye’s book???

 

Out of the bedroom – into the light

It’s been almost a week now – I finally came out of the bedroom this morning, on wobbly legs.  Found my way to the couch, and plonked down on it.

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That’s when I took in my surroundings – blinking like a cave dweller seeing things in the light for the first time in a while.

I had clearly been blocking out the kitchen during my pathetic visits to grab ice and liquids.

Something had to be done.

So I got off the couch – and did it.

Kitchen is now clean, and I’d managed to work up a sweat getting it that way.

Bathing was in order.

I’m still sick.

When I get hit – I get hit hard.

Pink eye, strep throat, fever and now a headache that’s been clinging on for 3 straight days … I’ve used up all my ‘vacation’ time.  Although, let’s face it, I wasn’t headed off to the Bahamas anytime soon.

I didn’t realize I could sleep SO much and still be tired!

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During cleaning the kitchen, I noticed lack of provisions and proceeded to make a list for the men of the house.  There’s no way I’m going out in public.

Also, I don’t trust myself to drive yet – or make it an entire lap around a grocery store, unless I get to sit in one of those little cars.

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But daylight still hurts – so I’ll stick to the shade of my cave and focus on getting better.

I have three days to do so and to find my smile, my energy, my motivation and bring them all back to work, germ free.

I can do this!