A lighter shade of … Violet.
I am ultra sensitive to scents. Smells. Fragrances. They mean SO much to me. They either bring back fond memories, or alert me to danger.
Tonight – I lit, again, the Parma Violets candle my mum bought me whilst in England. I only lit it the first time because I was reminded of Erma Bombeck (Remember her? Great writer.)
What I never forgot that she said was this: “I would have burnt the pink candle that was sculptured like a rose before it melted while being stored.”
I’m trying to live like that.
I’ve been going through a scary time lately – and not just the loss of a love. I caved and went to a doctor (in lieu of MY doctor who is on vacation and good for him! NO sarcasm intended at all!)
There was a good reason I may (and still might) have a blood clot in my leg. And I was (still am) scared.
Alas! (As she puts her hand to her forehead and appears as a damsel in distress) I can’t afford the %&^ing ultra sound I need to rule it out!
(Swearing now swipes the damsel in distress image out no?)
I lit that candle. Knowing – enjoy what you have. Don’t save it!!!!!
Then I got to thinking about ‘smells’. How important they are to me.
My Nannie was recently in the hospital – she’s 92. My memories of her are tied into her greenhouse. The smell of wood – and soil – and tomato plants.
Then I got to thinking about Jim (of course) and he never wore cologne. He was natural. BUT! Had a scent. And I’m loathing having to wash my bedding this weekend. I feel like it’s the final ‘Goodbye’. I made sure to spray everything I use on a t-shirt for him to have – and all I have is – what still is.
Yeah, I went from that guy – (who, now I look back on, was already depressed to be where he was) to that pillow that seriously needs a washing.
Sorry – tangent. I fucking miss him. I do. But I’m also not going to lie – I love … what do I love? Having a home I don’t feel like I’m a guest in. And he didn’t make me feel that way – I played host for too long.
I couldn’t afford to make that ‘visit’ fun anymore.
So – VIOLET
I still completely SNIFF L’Oreal lipstick – to ME, it smells like violet.
I think I’ve only bought two – because they’re expensive and I can’t justify the cost. But, my GOD! They smell Freaking amazing.
Plus, I’m not a ‘make up’ chick.
ANYWAY! Butters is feeling a loss – and I’ve positioned things in my bathroom (lol) so, when I’m squatted, I see what I love. My son – and my love.
When will his pic come down? That’s up to him.
Bottom line here is – I’m still healing.
And I am sitting here smelling violet and I am calm.
But – I miss my guy. And I’m so glad we grabbed the chance – and I’m so glad I lit the candle. Life is … I want to say ‘short’ but I’m reminded by George Carlin – it’s the longest thing we’re going to do – so why say that? lol.