I am ultra sensitive to scents.  Smells.  Fragrances.  They mean SO much to me.  They either bring back fond memories, or alert me to danger.

Tonight – I lit, again, the Parma Violets candle my mum bought me whilst in England.  I only lit it the first time because I was reminded of Erma Bombeck (Remember her? Great writer.)

What I never forgot that she said was this: “I would have burnt the pink candle that was sculptured like a rose before it melted while being stored.”

I’m trying to live like that.

I’ve been going through a scary time lately – and not just the loss of a love.  I caved and went to a doctor (in lieu of MY doctor who is on vacation and good for him! NO sarcasm intended at all!)

There was a good reason I may (and still might) have a blood clot in my leg.  And I was (still am) scared.

Alas!  (As she puts her hand to her forehead and appears as a damsel in distress)  I can’t afford the %&^ing ultra sound I need to rule it out!

(Swearing now swipes the damsel in distress image out no?)

ANYWAY!!!!!

I lit that candle.  Knowing – enjoy what you have.  Don’t save it!!!!!

Then I got to thinking about ‘smells’.  How important they are to me.

My Nannie was recently in the hospital – she’s 92.  My memories of her are tied into her greenhouse.  The smell of wood – and soil – and tomato plants.

Then I got to thinking about Jim (of course) and he never wore cologne.  He was natural.  BUT!  Had a scent. And I’m loathing having to wash my bedding this weekend. I feel like it’s the final ‘Goodbye’.  I made sure to spray everything I use on a t-shirt for him to have – and all I have is – what still is.

Yeah, I went from that guy – (who, now I look back on, was already depressed to be where he was)  to that pillow that seriously needs a washing.

Sorry – tangent.  I fucking miss him.  I do.  But I’m also not going to lie – I love … what do I love?   Having a home I don’t feel like I’m a guest in.  And he didn’t make me feel that way – I played host for too long.

I couldn’t afford to make that ‘visit’ fun anymore.

Tangent over.

So – VIOLET

I still completely SNIFF L’Oreal lipstick – to ME, it smells like violet.

I think I’ve only bought two – because they’re expensive and I can’t justify the cost.  But, my GOD! They smell Freaking amazing.

Plus, I’m not a ‘make up’ chick.

ANYWAY!  Butters is feeling a loss – and I’ve positioned things in my bathroom (lol) so, when I’m squatted, I see what I love.  My son – and my love.

When will his pic come down?  That’s up to him.

Bottom line here is – I’m still healing.

And I am sitting here smelling violet and I am calm.

But – I miss my guy.  And I’m so glad we grabbed the chance – and I’m so glad I lit the candle.  Life is … I want to say ‘short’ but I’m reminded by George Carlin – it’s the longest thing we’re going to do  – so why say that? lol.

x