Category Archives: Humor

Sandwich bags, falling and senior discount. What?!

It all started with the sandwich bag paradigm.  You buy a packet and it’s over 150 and you’re thinking “these are going to last forever!”  And then you’re packing a sandwich and where the heck did those bags GO?

Much like life.

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Drudging up the hill to 50.

We think we have so much time, so much available and … “Where did it go???”

I ‘met’ someone a few months ago that I’ve ‘known’ since 6th grade.

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I’m conquering my biggest fear to see them, and other friends I haven’t seen in over a decade.

I’m terrified.  Not so much anymore about the flight, but – what could be, what I could fuck up, what might have been – etc. etc.

I have hope. I do!

OK, I HAD hope – because I’m constantly being told I’m attractive and then today – I went to Ross on a Tuesday and purchased jeans for my trip to the Central Coast.

Got to the checkout after feeling very frisky and gorgeous and appreciating my body – size 7 – skinny jeans.

The flipping young girl at the register gave me the “Tuesday Special” discount. Which, is 55 and over.

Really????

Recent Pic:

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I’m not even going to ask if I look 55.

But hey, I got a discount.  Lol.

As for the trip – I’m getting over my fear of flying by reading very positive posts.

I’m adjusting to my new meds and venturing out – the agoraphobiac I am.

I’m looking forward to seeing my friends, and … Honestly?  Mostly hoping things go well with D.F.M.

Because I deserve it.

And because it’s about damn time.

And … Because, if I can fly somewhere, I can get over my anxiety/panic disorder.

 

And I will!

 

 

Musings from the Laundromat: Shameless, Pokemon GO & Flight Fear edition.

“I missed you last week!”

That was nice to hear so early in the morning.

It came from my laundry lady.   I explained that I had spent last Sunday in the midst of a Netflix binge.

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I got hooked on Shameless (U.S. Version) and spent the entire weekend either watching that, or pausing it to speak on the phone with someone special.

Nothing was cleaned – and my son was out-of-town, so I felt pretty much zero guilt.

In fact, I didn’t even go grocery shopping the week and a half he was gone.  (Great way to diet – the whole ‘cupboard is bare’ method.)

OK, so some of my hermit mode had to do with my increasingly annoying social anxiety.

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We went yesterday and I still felt awkward ‘peopling’.  Managed to do it though with him in tow.

Friday we also left the safety of my yard and hunted for Pokemon.  Good thing one happened to be in the vacant lot across from us as the further we got from my home, the more anxious I became. The payoff was actually finding one and getting to ‘pet’ it for a photo.

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Yes, I look awkward, no my legs don’t usually bend like that, but when your son is saying “lower, lower … Mom, lower”, you contort to facilitate such a photo op.

Back to anxiety.

So!  I have an impending flight coming up next month sometime.

I say that so casually, though, even typing it has made my palms start to sweat a little.

I have a MORBID fear of heights – and an even worse fear of flying.

I have no idea how I’m going to make it ON the plane, let alone remain on it with any degree of sanity.

But it’s a worthwhile trip.

I have friends I haven’t seen in over 13 years and that someone I speak with on the phone will be at the airport to collect me.

What a great way to see each other after all this time.  Me, shaking, pale, heart pounding, blurred vision.  I suppose though, that’s how I would feel even if I wasn’t just on a metal cylindrical airborne object miles above the ground.

And what a great story it would be for the laundromat if I survive the trip no?

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And now to finish the coffee I’ve given up, that my laundry lady STILL makes me … And finish the laundry so I can return to Shameless.

 

 

 

Musings from the Laundromat: Fathers and Felons edition

First of all, Happy Father’s Day to all the great dad’s out there.  And Happy Father’s Day also to all you moms that have done it alone.  I’m raising an imaginary glass of champagne at the screen and cheering you all.

I’m sure the dad’s are thinking, “Great.  Couldn’t you be raising an imaginary beer or single malt?”

No.

Onto felons.

(My segues are ingenious, she says sarcastically while moving the imaginary glass of champagne out of the way so it’s not knocked over by her writing prowess.)

Yesterday was a pajama day for me.  Just me, the dog and Litchfield Penitentiary.

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Well, almost.  I have 3 episodes to go.

I’m definitely enjoying Season 4 over Season 3.  No spoilers.  I’ll review the show when you’ve all had a change to binge watch.

So after today’s Fathers Day brunch across the river, I’ll be returning to my Netflix nest and finishing up those remaining episodes … Then I’ll feel guilty about not having scrubbed the house – then either a) get over it or b) actually scrub the house.  I’m thinking maybe a little of both.

Time to check on the machines … And drink my weekly cup of coffee (I still haven’t had the heart to tell the laundry lady I don’t drink it anymore.  But since she’s so sweet to make it just for me – I must courteously caffeine.)

 

Once again, happy Father’s Day Soupers!!!

Musings from the Laundromat: Pedicures & Pole Dancing

It has come to my attention that I can’t stay up late anymore.

My 47th birthday brought with it such gifts as: Inability to sleep through the night without peeing at least once, Feeling like I’ve been hit by a truck if I don’t see the back of my eyelids by 10 p.m. at the latest and even more scary face wrinkles when I look down and my iPad reflects my image.

Thanks 47.

Thanks a lot.

You REALLY shouldn’t have.

But! It is what it is and I, being who I am, will continue to do what I shouldn’t and last night I tested the powers of 47’s gifts and am regretting it as I sit typing.

Let’s start from the beginning.

As part Deux of my birthday, my mum collected me for a pedicure.  It’s been a looooong time.

My feet were starting to resemble something that looked directly at Medusa.

We were greeted by a  beautiful Asian lady – and both given a bottle of water.

Considering it was 120 degrees outside, this was like being handed a bar of gold.

Once in the chairs with our feet in the water, I was ready to take a nap.

The chairs massaged … The water bubbled, I reclined and was already in paradise.

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Oh!  My view from my chair?  This guy.  He was HUGE and odd and I loved him.

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My pedicurist arrived at my feet and opened a sterile packet containing all his necessary pedi instruments, then took one look at my feet and got up to go to the back.

I turned to my mum, “He’s getting the heavy artillery.”

Yup.

Not only do they do the usual pedi things – BUT!  Hot rocks were brought out for a leg and foot massage.  He also did something with his thumb on both of my feet that gave me goosebumps and a sudden urge to marry him.

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After all was done, we wobbled out to the car like boneless chickens.

Now for lunch.

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Buffet with sushi?  SO my kind of lunch!

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‘Healthy’ dessert.  (Ok, listen there were two other plates of food I’m not sharing … I ate like I was about to depart as a contestant to some island for Survivor.)

Sated – we got back into the hot car.

The car was seriously hotter than the 120 degrees outside.

Next was the shops.

We had only made it to our first stop when I had an urgent need to discover if Petsmart had a bathroom.

(Buffet ‘all you can eat’ sushi became an example of ‘if it seems to good to be true …’ You know the  rest.)

The two of us realized we had only rented our lunch.

And each shop after had us returning some of our meal. Lol!

Too much info?  Sorry.  The truth had to be told.

Home.

Then – off to the grocery store.  Look who was hanging (literally) in the meat section.

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Home again.

Gave my pup a bath …  Here she is all coconut scented and sunshine.

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Didn’t stop there … Steam cleaned my kitchen floor.

I was exhausted and ready for an early night.

Except, I learned my friend was working at the local ‘Gentleman’s Club’ that night and I haven’t seen her in a long time.

Taxi to the strip club.

I did two amazing interviews with my friend and another lady.   And for whatever reason, am having the biggest issue uploading them to YouTube!   Grrrrr.   When I figure that out, of course I will share.   (Especially considering that during the second interview, a rogue man outside walked up to us and was shut DOWN by my interviewee.  LOL!)

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You know, even the strip club was rocking the spa vibe … They don’t serve alcohol, (good idea) but, they had delicious cucumber water.   Classy.

By the time I got home and had walked the dog and readied myself for bed it was two in the morning!!!!

I STILL managed to get everything done this morning though.  Laundry, a store return (and a little shopping with the store credit), washed car and have turkey sausages in the oven.

A nap however, is imminent.

And well deserved if I do say so myself.

Happy Sunday Soupers!

The day my son was LITERALLY a pain in my arse.

I donned a white dress I haven’t worn in a very long time.  Since last Summer I believe?

Went to work.

Sat down.

OUCH!

WTF?

Checked out the chair.  Chair was not an unsub.  (For those of you that don’t watch Criminal Minds – first of all, “SHAME ON YOU!” Secondly, it means unknown subject.)

I madly rushed about my day and each time I sat, OUCH!

I checked the lace in my dress.  Oh, this was the dress.  (Looks better on me than flayed out on my bed.)

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I was brought up as a lady – so I had these very delicate panties/slip type thingys underneath said dress.

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They’re large, I’m slender.  They work as a slip.

So then I start inspecting THEM!

Nothing.

Half a day in at work I can’t take it anymore and actually found a private moment to ‘ladylike reach my hand up to my arse.”

(You’ll never read that in any Bronte novel)

And … What do I find?

Last time I washed the dress must have been with Nic’s work shirt – WITH name tag attached.

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I  peeled it off and announced my discomfort.  Because, we all know, I do SO well with editing.

“Nic was seriously a pain in my ass today!!!!”

I have since confronted him – laughed with him and he even allowed these selfies.  (This is rare – it’s like Big Foot accepting a photo op!) I even plastered his tag onto his forehead.

I look at it as a ‘thank you’ for doing his laundry.

Yes, you have hurt me

Yes, you have hurt me

But, I know you don't really give a shite

But, I know you don’t really give a shite

And I will always love you

And I will always love you

He wore the tag well … He braved the photo storm.  I shall forgive him this dress intrusion.

But, today, yes – he was a PAIN IN MY ASS!!!!!!