Category Archives: Gratitude
There is such good …
I find myself from time to time almost pleading Earths case to God.
I’ll share with you my nightly prayers. I always say “Thank you.” I always end with “God bless all those in my heart, on my mind and in the world, Amen.”
The meat of my prayers is usually me asking for guidance – praying for strength in areas I’m lacking.
Sometimes I pray for more patience, the increased ability to love – to be tolerant. I pray to know which path I should be taking.
When it’s a particularly sad news day though, when atrocities have been committed and we’re made aware of them – I don my humankind legal defense cap.
As if God doesn’t already know, I plead “God, there is such GOOD in the world too.” As if I’m afraid he’s going to shut the whole event down because of evil.
I have a favorite quote, by W.H. Auden.
“Evil is unspectacular and always human, and shares our bed and eats at our own table …”
I love that quote. I love how the words feel coming out of my mouth – how the thought provokes – the simple eloquence of it.
And it, for me, is truth.
I watched a documentary this morning called “Hitlers Children.” (If you have Netflix, it’s a streamable selection. )
One particular storyline resonated with me.
It was that of Rainer Hoess – grandson of Rudolf Hoess.
He looked at photographs of his father standing in the garden of the family home on the grounds of Auschwitz. Other photos showed his grandfather in that same back yard.
Later in the documentary, he took a trip to Auschwitz – his first one.
One of the questions he pondered, while staring at a photo of his father standing by the garden gate was, how could they not have known – not have seen?
He was afforded entry into that same garden and stood at that very garden gate. The house was cleverly designed with no views of the crematorium – textured glass windows on the side of the house that might let some truth in.
The garden itself was surrounded by tall walls, offering only a glimpse of outlying buildings.
I wondered what it must have felt like to stand in that location. To know that your lineage included a monster. I didn’t need to wonder for long – when Rainer lost his composure, I did too. I wept on the couch with this man who was riddled with guilt for a crime against humanity that he couldn’t possibly have anything to do with.
During the tour, he agreed to speak to a group. He was nervous – understandably. At one point, a holocaust survivor, from that camp, wanted to shake his hand.
My already wet cheeks were wet anew when this old man took his hand and told him, ‘you didn’t do this.’
They hugged and my heart wanted to burst.
There is good.
There is good everywhere if you look for it – take time to avert your eyes from your problems and worries and choose to see it!
On a personal note, I have a friend, who takes care of not only her grandchildren – but her bed ridden mother and her disabled brother and reached out to ME to offer ME help to send my son to England! She is the epitome of selflessness to me.
She smiles and though she gets tired, she’s happy and grateful and is of service to others.
GOD! There is SUCH good.
I’ll be praying tonight to be a part of that good.
Graduation
I drove away from the event center last night where my son had just graduated, alone.
I had a Gwen Stefani CD in the CD player and I felt a shift as the coin of acceptance dropped and I belted out “Ain’t no Hollaback Girl” along with Gwen.
Everything felt just … right.
Nic left the event with his girlfriend, my parents left together and I left with a smile on my face.
I have been so scared of the rapid changes in the dynamics of my relationship with Nic this past year! I needn’t have been.
Here I was worrying about where I would fit in his life. Here (Literally right here) I was worrying whether or not I’d done enough for him – done the right things by him.
Then, in the parking lot right after graduation, he picked my mom up in a hug and then shook my dads hand, and POOF! The worry dissipated.
I mentally dusted my hands with a ‘well, that’s-that then’ resolve, and a peace settled in.
It was sort of like hearing your little one say “thank you” without being prompted for the first time, or seeing them hold the door open for someone (Okay, I still feel a surge of pride when he does those things.)
In a single moment, I glimpsed Nic, the young man, and I was simultaneously proud of him and awash with an odd sensation of freedom. Freedom from worry.
When I got home, (after uploading a bazillion photos to my ipad and managing to blow my icloud memory out of the sky) I had a little time alone to reflect.
And in reflecting I was SO grateful!
I thought about all the people who had a hand, directly or indirectly, in raising my son with me.
Yes, I’m a single mom, but a whole slew of people have been instrumental in the successful rearing of my child. (And now I’m cracking up thinking of the quote from ‘Knocked Up’: Jay: I’m going to be there to rear your child. Jason: You hear that, Ben? Don’t let him near the kid, he wants to rear your child!)
I was completely filled with appreciation and memories. Gratitude and love.
I wanted to thank every single person individually. There are people who don’t even realize how much of an impact they had on my journey as a mom.
So I try to tell people who touch my life that they have. I try to remember to thank and acknowledge the people I love, the people who love me back – and the people who love Nic.
And in that moment, when Nic had my mother in his arms – and my dads hand in his – I knew he was doing the same thing.
Amends – becoming whole
I am so sorry for the way that I have treated you in the past.
For all the times I put you down … didn’t stand up for you, didn’t have faith in you.
I am sorry that I put you in harms way.
That I didn’t make better choices for you.
For all the emotional, physical and verbal abuse – I hope and I pray that you can forgive me completely one day.
I feel I’ve earned back some trust – I know that you feel the amends that I’m making and I will continue to make them.
Because I love you.
I know that you are capable and lovable and imperfectly enough.
I know that – because I’m you.
Mothers Day edition of ‘Musings from the laundromat’
Feeling a little guilty about being here. They’re closing early for Mothers Day.
I get the same feeling when I pop into a shop on any other holiday and they’re open.
I’m sure when I walked in the lady behind the counter was thinking “Oh, great.” They close in 50 minutes. I can be outta here by then.
So, Happy Mothers Day! My morning started (after being up with Butters at 5 am) being late up. I actually crashed out after crawling back into bed and didn’t wake up until almost 9! Unheard of for me – delightful.
Although, I had planned to be here by 8 am – then I could have avoided the awkward early close predicament.
My son had a surprise outing planned. We were to leave at 10:45. What to wear? His response: Formal casual. (Note to self: Explain dress codes to Nic.)
Pulling up to the laundromat, my car advised me that it was 110 degrees out, so you can imagine that my attire was more casual than formal.
Here we are driving there. Yeah, I know, bad influence. Taking photos while he’s driving. (ooo! By the way – I think this was the first time as a passenger I didn’t freak out and actually enjoyed the scenery! He’s a LOT better driver now.) Here’s me enjoying the scenery:
I didn’t know where we were going – but I knew food was involved. I’m ok with being fed. 🙂 So we arrived – which of course, means more photo ops.
The restaurant is really lovely and does a great brunch. I’ll withhold the name but here’s some inside pics:

That’s the decor, and yes, I did have to take a photo of the golden toilet plumbing and seat cover dispenser. LOL!
This was my first plate … Also had, um, 3 or 4 desserts 🙂
See, I still participate in debauchery. There were so many to choose from! How could I not sample them all?? I would have hurt a desserts feelings.
Thank you Nic for planning such a lovely surprise. x
So I’m here … clothes in the dryer and really only wanting to nap off some of that food. But, due to work circumstances right now, my plan B of going afterwards tomorrow didn’t seem like a good idea.
While we’re on the topic of mothers – the man I process for and assist is going through a very tough time with his mom right now.
I’ve been holding down the fort while his mom is dying. 😦
Friday I spoke to a Father (Priest? Vicar? Deacon?) who was trying to get a hold of him. It’s been a tough few weeks with false alarms, last rites and emotions riding high. However, Friday his mom was unresponsive. I don’t know what to say. If he was a woman, I could hug him – listen to him. But, he’s a pretty stoic, logical man. All I can offer is making sure things at work are running smoothly by stepping up to the proverbial plate.
So to end this edition – let me just say to my mom – I’m glad you were born, glad that you’re here and Happy Mothers Day. I had a lovely day with you. Love you, ‘Mand. xxxxx
A Happy Day
Today is a happy day.
A sing-in-the-kitchen, air band in the car, 2 treats for the dog kinda day.
Last night brought an unexpected wave of relief.
I let go.
Of some drama, of some resentments and of some toxic expectations.
I spoke to friends from my past that really made me laugh. I felt light and just … happy.
You’d think after yet another night of having my sleep interrupted by Butters – my happy wave would have waned.
Nope.
It did not.
I feel more sure of myself. Open to whatever or whoever the universe has in store for me. Ready to move on, open up and stop taking myself and others so seriously.
Actually giggled at work over an adorable unexpected sneeze … Giggled! Bonkers.
I have no particular reason for this full to the brim, suddenly burdenless and boundless joy. But I dig it.
And I think I’ll keep it thank you very much.
But I’ll share too.












