Blog Archives
Musings from the Laundromat – Tick Tock edition.
Long chats with my Laundry Lady and Glaucoma Man today.
I gave Laundry Lady my phone number in case she ever needs anything. She doesn’t have a car. Depends on her roommate to get her to work and home. She’s been working there for over 8 years – no vacation pay – no benefits. I learned so much more today about her.
She mentioned she hates working the morning shifts, but loves seeing me. That made my day. Because I feel the same way. For over 6 years I’ve waddled into that building, weighted down by my laundry baskets. And I can count on seeing her sweet face and her beautiful smile. I can count on her putting on the coffee and having a brief chat.
I’m making a point of being more involved and engaged with people in my life.
-Tick Tock-
Received some bad news recently about someone I love dearly … And it rocked my world. I’ll keep them anonymous, but, the news was the ‘C’ word.
Inoperable ‘C’ word.
And what angers me so much is that this person is so very good and kind and loving and giving. And too young for such a diagnosis.
This person has so much to share with the world and the world needs them!
It’s that stage of life now isn’t it? Late 40’s. Where you start hearing about people falling ill or worse.
-Tick Tock-
There are some other people in my life, who will also remain anonymous, who have been madly in love for over 41 years. I mean, seriously, deliriously and obviously in LOVE. Still get butterflies when they see each other. It’s palpable. Their love is something you can almost reach out and touch it’s that real. They’re ridding themselves of material things and readying themselves for retirement. They want to spend the rest of their lives traveling and loving one another.
I think that’s beautiful. And I find myself envying what they have in a non-green way. I’m happy for them, so very happy for them – but yes, there is a part of me that knows I will never have that and a part of me yearns for it.
-Tick Tock-
I’m flying again on Thursday – to see that someone special again. Spreading my wings, exploring options – overcoming fears and giving life a look.
I will say that I AM fortunate. I’ve done more in my lifetime than most. Traveled and soaked up other cultures, beliefs and people.
From France to India in a bus full of eclectic passengers. I’m forever grateful for that experience.
-Tick Tock-
Had an amazing day yesterday seeing another person I love. A dear friend and practically a brother. We grew up together in England. His mother is my God Mother and there was a point our parents, who are still dear friends, lived together. We reenacted a photo taken 43 years ago.
Here it is.
But as I was leaving, I had a sinking feeling we may never see one another again. And it made me sad and so very aware of time. Time and the passage of it. Of life and its beautiful uncertainties.
My son leaves in January. I was reading a Facebook memory yesterday (thank goodness for those by the way) and it was me sharing my gratitude of spending time with him. 5 years ago yesterday we were curled up on the couch watching ‘Up’ and I expressed how precious I knew that moment was.
I was in that moment and knew with my whole heart how important it was just to spend that time – because life is so fleeting.
I hope I never forget to feel that way.
No matter what happens, I’ll endeavor to cherish the important people and things.
Because once the curtain comes down, there’s no more time to say “I love you.”
And the clock ticks on. Life is in session.
Sandwich bags, falling and senior discount. What?!
It all started with the sandwich bag paradigm. You buy a packet and it’s over 150 and you’re thinking “these are going to last forever!” And then you’re packing a sandwich and where the heck did those bags GO?
Much like life.
Drudging up the hill to 50.
We think we have so much time, so much available and … “Where did it go???”
I ‘met’ someone a few months ago that I’ve ‘known’ since 6th grade.
I’m conquering my biggest fear to see them, and other friends I haven’t seen in over a decade.
I’m terrified. Not so much anymore about the flight, but – what could be, what I could fuck up, what might have been – etc. etc.
I have hope. I do!
OK, I HAD hope – because I’m constantly being told I’m attractive and then today – I went to Ross on a Tuesday and purchased jeans for my trip to the Central Coast.
Got to the checkout after feeling very frisky and gorgeous and appreciating my body – size 7 – skinny jeans.
The flipping young girl at the register gave me the “Tuesday Special” discount. Which, is 55 and over.
Really????
Recent Pic:
I’m not even going to ask if I look 55.
But hey, I got a discount. Lol.
As for the trip – I’m getting over my fear of flying by reading very positive posts.
I’m adjusting to my new meds and venturing out – the agoraphobiac I am.
I’m looking forward to seeing my friends, and … Honestly? Mostly hoping things go well with D.F.M.
Because I deserve it.
And because it’s about damn time.
And … Because, if I can fly somewhere, I can get over my anxiety/panic disorder.
And I will!
The Day the Musings Died – and therapy gone wrong
Past two weeks at the laundromat, WIFI hasn’t worked for me.
I was unable to ‘muse’ and that bothered me. I missed you guys and had so much to say!
They ‘fixed’ their WIFI by making a password free guest WIFI – and my iPad just would NOT pick it up. So, actually now, laundry day sucks.
It’s like “Bye, Bye, Laundromat WIFI…”
Took my Chevy to the laundry, but no WIFI.
So! Let’s catch you up
I went to ‘therapy” on advice from my doc that knows me since 13 years ago.
I have anxiety/panic disorder and … Add to that now, agoraphobia.
The therapist told me I have no self-esteem, and after divulging every creepy sexual moment in my life and my deepest darkest secrets, he went on to say, “You’re beautiful, you need to see yourself that way.” (As if THAT was easy to do.) He went on to say … “you have great boobs”
Wait what?!
Are you freaking kidding me?????
THAT was my therapist.
I called him last week and told him I felt very uncomfortable with that.
I went on to say, “If I had come to you because I’d been constantly bullied, and you told me to sit down and shut up, that would have been the equivalent”. He apologized profusely. I told him I forgave him, but could not see him again.
Anyway.
I have my safe zones – driving to work and coming home. But, when my son was out of town, I couldn’t go to the grocery store.
I also have a plane trip this month.
My biggest fears …. Heights and flying.
But it’s worth it.
I am very excited to see the person on the other side of that plane ride.
I have also looked up tools to survive the flight mentally.
I’m doing this. Because it is important. I may be shaking, may be scared but I’m going.
Imagine this though – seeing someone again who you have come to very much care for, although, sweaty, shaky, and having been up since 3 a.m.
Yes, 3 a.m.
Got to get to the airport 3 hours in advance and THEN, THEN, the flight.
I DID however Google getting over this. And he had 3 steps.
These are what I remember.
1) You’ve been through this before and survived.
2) Tell yourself you’re excited about the feeling! It overrides the fight/flight sensation. KEEP telling yourself you’re excited and tell the attack to “bring it on!” Try to make it worse.
3) Shake out your arms and legs – literally. It’s supposed to relieve something.
Guess I did remember all three.
I don’t see myself ‘shaking off’ on the plane though. Lol. Maybe in the bathroom.
This is a very, very, very important trip and I’m GOING to do it!
Without flipping boob therapy.
(By the way, Mr. Therapist – that was padding. But yes, I have an amazing body which should NEVER have been brought up.)
Musings from the Laundromat: Looking Forward edition.
It’s a beautiful morning.
I showered, tended to my dog and less than half an hour I sit at my laundromat table with almost dry hair. Got to love the desert – nature’s hair dryer.
OK, sometimes I love the desert.
But there are many other times that I feel too far away from something or someone.
(Side note: I’ve yet to tell the laundry lady that I’ve stopped drinking coffee, and after her smile and our little chat she put on a pot for me.
How do I tell her I don’t want it when she only makes it for me?
I don’t. I will be having a cup. Because it makes her feel good to make it for me.)
______________________________
My head has been in the clouds for the past week or so. It’s been hard to focus on the things I used to focus on.
Which, is a good thing, because left to my own devices and imagination, I’m usually not walking down quaint pathways, but dead-end alleys in my head.
Negative ‘what if’s’ have been brightened to hopeful ones.
I’m looking forward instead of backward and that is also a good thing, because I’m not the most graceful of creatures and tend to trip up when I’m not focused on today or tomorrow, but rather, yesterday.
“Do you think it’s because we’re older? That we know what we want sooner?”
“Yes. We already know what works and what doesn’t in our lives. We’re more confident and have experiences to draw upon.”
A conversation I had with someone I love.
______________________________
And now I sit, sipping the coffee I’ve given up, and one of my favorite songs, Killer Queen, plays in the background on the radio.
And there is a faint smile on my lips as I type.
And there is a calmness in my heart.
And there is much on my mind – but I’ll keep that to myself – for now.
Baby Bunny Update … After the Musing.
OK, if you haven’t caught up, catch up now. Read THIS post.
Then come back.
_____________________
I came home, fed the babies again.
Was speaking back and forth with my mom who is a HUGE animal advocate and thankfully, a huge network of people.
She found someone close who was ready and willing and able to give MY (yes, I totally bonded) babies the attention and love they deserve.
I wavered.
I had bonded.
They had made it through the night!
THEY TOOK THEIR FIRST STEPS WITH ME!!
They really did. When I found them, they were flopping like fish. This morning’s feeding had them using their legs, walking up me … I had to swaddle to nurse them.
I have finally downloaded the videos I took during my short, short time as a bunny foster mom.
The first video … When I was still trying to find Bunny Mom.
And I did.
I played Alice and searched and searched for that rabbit hole.
As I said in my first post, once darkness fell, and rain was imminent … They HAD to come inside.
Life or death situation. (I’ll speak about that later.)
They survived the night! I nursed and they lived!
I fed them. I bonded. And then … My mom, who is very active in animal advocate circles, found someone close who could do better than I could.
Give them more than I could.
So, my last videos:
One of the bunnies with hiccups:
ANNNNND … My goodbye. 😦
SO! My babies are gone.
The adoptive mom was lovely. As were her children.
They already have a bunny. She’s a dog groomer – and as I said before, a huge animal advocate. I slipped her my email address.
“Please tell me good or bad how they’re doing.”
I had the bunnies tucked under my cardigan, it was pouring rain. I had their little bag ready.
And I cried, and I cried, and I cried.
Still crying.
I feel like Alice had something to do with my ‘meeting’ of these beautiful creatures.
I went down her rabbit hole. A healing. Being of service. Loving something smaller and vulnerable.
And it happened with my mom.
‘Alice’ knew one of my favorite books (other than Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland) was Watership Down.
____________________
Sensible informative part of my emotional post:
If you see a baby w/out it’s mom … Wait!
Rabbits will abandon (temporarily) their young to redirect a predator.
The babies may not BE abandoned!
There is a LOT of work involved in raising wild rabbits – they NEED the environment for immunities and such. So, it’s not ideal to try to raise one without doing MUCH research.
Rabbits are one of the few that DON’T abandon their young if you’ve ‘touched them’. If you give one shelter for the night, and feel it’s safe to return, RETURN IT!
My situation was dictated by a storm, a very dangerous spot that I found them in and the fact that we have many predators … Otherwise, I would have left them alone.
Ok, maybe I would have watched to be sure mom came to get them, but, I would not have taken them inside if there was no other way.
I assure you.
Two babies live today – and wouldn’t have if I hadn’t taken them in.
Of that, I’m certain.
And thanks ‘Alice’ – you know who you are – even though you’re not reading this. I think you put those babies in my path.
Debauchery Soup 