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Musings from the Laundromat: Wagging and still breathing edition
Awoke to Butters wagging and breathing near me. I don’t think she gets the concept of ‘weekend’. That’s ok. I needed to be up early to get to the laundromat.
Waggy/breathy is now home and I am the only one here at the ‘place of laundry musings.’
I slept well. Much thanks to my bosses who bought me a pillow top mattress cover and uber comfy pillow for my birthday. I think maybe they were over my response to “How are you?” Asked each morning being – “Tired!”
Today, it is my birthday.
47.
Crazy.
Time has FLOWN!
Time has also dipped and swooped and sometimes hung comfortably riding a current.
I didn’t get that ‘It’s my birthday feeling’ today. You remember when we were kids and could barely sleep the day before? Like our own personal Christmas Eve? Long gone are those days. Or, ‘eves’ I should say.
And this morning – all I could think was that I didn’t want to get out of my comfy bed.
But out I am and will be joining my parents for brunch later.
Then grocery shopping.
I put everything off yesterday as I did a Netflix marathon of season 4 ”Call the Midwife’. I crawled out of my nest a couple of times to fetch sustenance – then back to my OH so comfy bed.
So here I sit and I’m sipping a cup of coffee, even though I’ve given coffee up, because my laundry lady makes a 1/2 pot just for me.
Bless her heart.
And feeling very grateful to still be on the planet.
Oh, on my way out … As I held the door for waggy/breathy, I spotted the sun shining on my sweet Nannie.
I think she was saying, “Happy Birthday ‘Manda”
Have a great day Soupers!
Musings from the Laundromat: A Full Heart and Fridge edition
It was so lovely and quiet here this morning – and my laundry lady is back!
Then other patrons started filing in. Now there’s a hum and buzz and a chatter.
I did at least have a few moments alone with my laundry lady – able to ask about her health and tell her I had missed her. She said in her absence, (she’d been filling in for other people due to a shortage in staff) that she had told the people working her usual Sunday to be sure to have coffee made for me.
How sweet is that?
Yesterday I was extremely busy. Ended up going to bed at 8 p.m. on a Saturday night exhausted. The only thing I didn’t get accomplished? My room and bath of course.
The rest of the house is spotless and the fridge is full.
I actually teared up at one point. I had put all the groceries away and in between cleaning, I was also cooking.
Then it dawned on me.
Where am I going to fit these finished dishes???
And it was such a “1st world problem” and such a wonderful puzzle – because I knew with my whole heart what that meant.
I had a bounty. I was blessed with amazing food and a home in which to cook it. I didn’t even mind cleaning. Because that meant I had a shelter.
This morning I sure am feeling the labor of yesterday though. Tired and aching. In a good way.
When I’m finished here – I’ll be going home to pack. I’m house sitting today and tonight, which means my bedroom and bath won’t get done again, but I will get some time with my parent’s cats and of course, the pup Meesha.
Guess that also means I won’t be attending the Oscars 😉 I’ll just leave my ball gown on the hanger and send my apologies to the academy.
Happy Sunday everyone! Hope your fridges are full and your hearts are peaceful.
Musings from the laundromat: Panic and the Past edition.
“You’re not in danger … try to breathe with me. I’m proud of you – you’re going to come through this.”
Those were the words I listened to as I struggled to my knees and bent over the couch, clutching at it as air snatching fear hit me wave after wave. My heart pounding – on the verge of fainting. Mouthing “please, please, please” to some power greater than me. “Please – no.”
My vision blurred in and out. My arm tingled. Palms sweat.
“It’s going to be ok.”
And, nearly an hour after it had begun, it was okay.
That was my panic attack yesterday. They come out of the blue. This one in particular while I was merely laying on the couch watching a television show.
The one who talked me through it? The one who held my hand and stayed calm when I could not? My son.
I know all the tips mentioned above by heart – but ironically, since I do also have a very real heart condition, these ‘spells’ as we refer to them in my home are exacerbated by that knowledge. It’s hard to tell yourself ‘everything is going to be ok’ when at the same time, your brain is saying, ‘but what if this time it’s not?’
I was exhausted and grateful. And slept, after finally being able to assume a horizontal position again. The thing about panic attacks, your whole body gets the equivalent of ‘restless leg syndrome’ and staying put only amplifies the experience. Rocking helps if you can’t get up and walk. And if you’re feeling dizzy, pacing probably isn’t the best idea.
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I know why this one occurred however. I had stayed up far too late spending time with … My past. We’ll leave it at that.
Got up at my usual time yesterday morning and woke Nic. We went to run errands. Oil change (that turned out I didn’t need) a car wash that I wasn’t able to have as they were having electrical issues. Then lunch with Nic.
That was the good part.
I love spending time with him.
We had so much more on the agenda – but after lunch, neither of us felt up to continuing.
We came home and resolved to finish our errands today.
The house was pretty clean and that’s when I decided to catch up on a few recorded shows.
AND that’s when it hit.
I tried to ride it out, realized this was a big one and managed to reach my iPad and send Nic a message asking him to come and sit with me.
And I want to thank him for going above and beyond. And caring so much.
As for my past – I’m going to leave it there.
I’m going to stay in the moment and seek healthy, positive and calm things.
No, I’m not always negative – I just purge (Pretty sure that keeps me positive)
Completely smitten with all you kittens that read my blog this weekend. Thank you.
But, I don’t want you thinking I’m always dark.
I’m the girl who will crack up out of nowhere remembering something funny.
I’m the girl who comes home and is SO grateful for everything I have, as modest as it is, and also grateful for everything I don’t have.
I was gob smacked when I arrived home tonight to a package by the gate.
It was from a dear friend who somehow still likes me.
I have been selfish. I have.
Or – I have not had the funds/energy/right mind to reciprocate.
And yet, my friends still love me.
I seriously don’t know why.
I sit worrying about EVERYTHING. Health care, a lasting job, ‘enough’, the ‘unforeseeable’, life in general. And I’ll tell you, everything I’ve worried about so far, HAS come true. Am I projecting? Or am I just sensible?
Butters’ injury – saw that coming.
And now my teeth hurt – saw that coming.
Lacking in funds for emergencies – KNEW that was coming lol.
And yet, every morning, I wake and am SO glad that I did.
Because I know there are thousands, no, millions of people who would give anything to have MY problems.
I love my life.
I ADORE my life.
I try to stay in the moment – then get caught up in ‘what if’s’
Ridiculous no?
But sensible – yes.
So, I’m a sensible pessimist. LOL!
I know what cards life has already dealt me and when things were tough, I DID fight through. To the point that my son told me “I don’t worry about you, because you survive.”
I wish he knew how much that took – and at what price.
But – that gift today. Oh my. Someone still thinking of me and loving me? I needed that.
And I love you ‘elf Ann’
Shrugging ‘hope’ and holding onto positive
I had it all planned out.
My post was to be about ‘hope’. About how that’s how I’m feeling, hopeful.
Then I thought … Much as I used to use ‘anxious’ incorrectly (as a positive, i.e.: “I’m anxious about the party!” Thinking it meant a nervous excitement) I should probably look up ‘Hope.’
This is how I used to feel about it.
Then I read this:
I like the intransitive verb, but when I got to ‘expectation’ I faltered in my wanting to use ‘hope’ to define my current feeling. I ‘expect’ nothing. Nothing.
I also don’t wish to ‘obtain’ unless it’s good traits or good deeds. I DO cherish things – but not desires. I know the difference between ‘wanting’ and ‘needing’. I mean, we could dictionary the hell out of this word, but the bottom line, ‘hope’ lost it’s luster with me. So I was done there.
I sat, I pondered, I considered and then I looked up and took this photo instead. It’s a painting I did a few years ago and I love it so much. No, it’s not gallery worthy, lol, but it made me so … Happy!!!
And so, when I noticed the bird cage that hangs in my bedroom reflecting in the frame – I was then ecstatic!
By now, if you’re a follower, you know my affections for inanimate objects run a tad on the OCD side – so the cage door is ALWAYS left open.
I asked myself, how does this painting make you feel?
And I came up with … ‘Positive.’ Not in the ‘sure’ kind of way. Let’s go back to Merriam Webster shall we? (Yeah, we’re goin’ there.)
Yes! I want to feel ‘good’ I want to feel ‘useful’ I want to see good qualities in everyone. And I usually do. So, despite people who have called me pessimistic, nah, I’m not. I’m a realist. Who was almost homeless, who was almost dead – who has been through things I haven’t shared with the closest to me.
But today – I feel POSITIVE!
And I’m going to grab that, and keep that, and hold it tight.
Like a photo I never got to take, but know I saw.
THAT is how I see happy, and positive.
I can’t prove it to you, yet. But, in 2016 my words will convince you I have.
Debauchery Soup 