Category Archives: Love
From Boy to Man – and About Alice.
Had a squabble with my son today.
It was unpleasant.
It came on the heels of his 21st birthday.
21!!!
I started this blog when he was still walking up a dirt road to catch his bus to school!
He was this little …
Our squabble? It was over a bird.
He wanted/wants a bird.
I said no.
We rent – they poop. We rent – they scratch their seeds. We rent – he doesn’t pay any of it.
Truth is, I’ve always wanted a bird too.
But, not a caged one.
One I could put to bed after it flew free in my (owned) home with interaction.
We don’t have that to give.
What he DID get for his birthday was semi-impulsive and it dawned on me today, he has more of me in him than I had thought.
What he didn’t DO on his birthday made me proud.
He thought he was driving later to a friends after his birthday dinner to do college homework – so, he didn’t have a drop of alcohol.
I SO appreciate that.
Respect that.
My son has common sense.
As for the tattoo (of which, I have four) I didn’t love it.
No, I’ll be honest.
I didn’t love the idea of it – because, he HAD a plan.
He wanted to integrate nature and technology and was going to be proud to have that imbedded in his flesh for eternity.
After consulting with a tattoo artist, he was told it would be 5-6 hours in a chair and perhaps he needed a pre-tattoo. (I’m sure that wasn’t the sentence the guy used – but hey, I’m paraphrasing.)
I felt like he was being coerced into an extra tat.
When Nic sent me a mock up of the tat – and I saw Alice –
I knew he didn’t have me in mind. (Although, I WAS hoping for his first to be “MOM” in a heart – just kidding.)
Because, this is what he brought me back from his big trip to England:
But, he had heard the story over and over of when I was in a bus in India as a child reading Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and the bus hit a man.
No one really cared.
But, when we hit a chicken!!!! We had to pay for not only that chicken, but the chickens it would produce, the eggs those offspring would produce etc. etc.
One less mouth to feed in a 3rd world country is above food that feeds them – to a degree.
I kept reading on that bus – but did catch a glimpse of hamburger head.
It was horrible.
But, we took him somewhere good – and my mind stayed in that book.
Bottom line, I said:
And he is honest. Like me – to the point of discounting himself, if that’s even possible.
We try it, we do – but to lie – it doesn’t lay softly on our chests. I’m glad he got not only impulsiveness, but HONESTY from me.
And now we’ll both always have Alice.
Teeth, Pets and stuff
Why I hate being here
Because my mom isn’t right now!!!
Why I hate cats!
I don’t … But OH my GOD! They are so needy!
What the actual post is about … Loving TINY and a broken tooth.
Freaking Cats.
And how they have affected me.
Oh, let’s add ‘the dog’ and how I now experience the ‘in out, in out’ thingy that dog people do.
I HAVE a dog. She doesn’t do this – she also doesn’t cuddle, so I think I have a backfired dog that I love anyway lol.
SO!
I’m house sitting.
First 20 minutes I’m here – I break a tooth, no joke.
Left a message with my dentist and I’m PISSED! Because I JUST paid my credit card off and actually put money into savings!!!!!!!!
Oh well.
_______________________
It takes a while.
Even when they’ve met you, they meet you all over again (the feral turned domestic ones. I actually had the ‘biter’ NOT bite me tonight!)
As for my Tiny Dancer … She is skin and bones.
I played this … Because she likes it when I sing it to her …
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBWfUc5jKiM
But, she didn’t like the ‘me not singing it’ version. 😦
I’m just so sad right now you guys.
Sad because the pets are sad.
Sad because my mum is sad.
Sad because my Nannie – who I love so much – is passing.
But! Glad my dad got a night off. Glad I could step up and step in.
Glad I could be here and that my son will be taking a turn.
THIS is what life is about.
And loving those who are still here – and doing all we can.
But it’s creepy too – because people you think WILL be there tomorrow maybe will not be – so appreciate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Going to sleep, with my broken tooth, my broken heart and my hopefulness.
Lost: My son’s happy mom (She’s mostly friendly and comes to the word ‘Cake’)
This is absolutely true.
How do I know this to be true?
Because I’ve been doing it to the person who means the most to me.
I’ve been defensive and sensitive and internalizing everything my son has said to me lately. Projecting on him my current self loathing, self-deprecation and insecurities.
One example: Yesterday I rose early, went immediately to the Laundromat and did our laundry. Yes, ‘our’ laundry. I see no point in making that trip and spending money on those machines only to do MY laundry. (See, I’m already defending myself thinking ‘surely someone reading this is going to think why isn’t HE doing his OWN laundry.’) I do this all the time. Defend my actions/thoughts/opinions. *Sigh*
ANYWAY!
I return from the Laundromat and tip toe around the house as my son had a late night with some friends.
I cleaned as quietly as I could. I made two amazing dishes from scratch. Then I had to vacuum … so I woke Nic.
It was after 1 p.m. by this time anyway.
I finally relaxed with a movie and some time later he found me in my bedroom telling me that the waist band of my jeans might be damp.
How did I take it?
I took it as a passive-aggressive remark in order to inform me that his jeans were not dried to completion.
My internal dialogue?
Well, SOR-RY! I mean, I only work full-time and support us both and YES, I knew I had only put our jeans in the dryer for 20 minutes this weekend instead of 30, because I wanted to come home on my last day off! I knew they’d dry before anyone would be slipping them on. And oh, excuse me for not doing YOUR laundry perfectly while you were sleeping and jobless and …
All of this occurred in my head. What came out of my mouth was a lesser version. Something like “So, you’re saying I didn’t dry your jeans enough?”
Paraphrasing.
But it was said with snark and my feelings were truly hurt.
Was that his intention?
No.
But I’ve felt so ‘less than’ that I consider everything an insult lately.
I’m not pleased with how I’ve been living, or rather NOT living my life.
I’m not pleased with my lack of gratitude or joy.
I’m not pleased with my weight gain or my indulgences.
I know I can change all of these things – but I just don’t have it in me right now.
I am unhappy.
And the way I’ve been treating others, mostly Nic, is a direct result of that.
I’m scared. I’m scared I will be alone.
My Nannie is passing (I’ve mentioned this before) and my mum has been out of the country with her for coming up on two months now.
Nic and I discussed this, and in his youth – (I hope) in his limited life experience … said: “You won’t do that will you?” Meaning want him with me as my life comes to a close and then linger.
I was shocked.
I weighed all the information I could grasp in my head so as not to lash out. Of course, ‘hurt’ won out and I said, “No, I’ll be sure to die as quickly as possible for you.”
Ug.
I hope that by sharing this – getting it written down and out will be the start of ME taking action to STOP this hurtful cycle.
I want ‘happy Amanda’ back. I want to respond to others with confidence and love. I want to return self-love to those I care for.
First step: Acknowledge the problem.
Check!
Guilty wishes – dark thoughts.
It’s still too early to sleep – but that’s what I want.
How do I feel? I feel dank.
Dank and dark and hopeless – and hopeful and grateful all at the same time.
Does that make sense? No.
I feel like I have been peeled alive and felt every bit of it, but am still grateful for being alive.
I am missing my mum.
I am hating what is the ‘waiting game’. Knowing everyone gets what the outcome is.
Horrific isn’t it? That I’m waiting day by day (as is she, but MUCH more personally) for the ‘finale’
I won’t put a full stop there on purpose.
It is not a mistake in the sentence.
And there will be no mistaking the grief.
I feel guilty for wanting my mum home, because it will be when her mum, and my Nannie has passed.
Appreciating life – and loving what is.
I am fully aware I will eventually lose everything I’ve got. I mean, we are all are terminal – we will all die. But have I taken people for granted? Absolutely.
But while we’re living, I’ve learned a few things.
Especially lately.
I grew in 2015.
I learned that something I held to be true for 25 years was myth.
I learned that I CAN heal quicker than I thought.
I learned that I am capable of SO many lows and still keep my head above circumstantial water and breathe.
I also learned, or rather – decided – everything does NOT happen for a reason.
Sometimes shite happens. Just … Because. Life is random. The chaos theory comes to mind. And I believe in that. Something happens and triggers something – also, if you’re positive or negative, you ARE dictating you day/life.
But more than often, life ‘happens’ as it should.
Sounds like I’m debasing my theory, but the bottom line is when someone takes an action, it causes another action. Not ‘meant to be.’ We have a choice. A choice how to react and that, in turn, results in an outcome in your head – in your life.
I have intentions of having mostly positive thoughts to attract positive things in 2016 – and no, that’s not a resolution, it’s a hope.
So, the fact that I’m typing this, still missing my mum and mourning my Nannie’s imminent passing is … I don’t know what it is.
I know I’ve also learned these things.
My dad is lost without my mum.
I’m trying so hard to be there. To do what my mum would want.
At the same time, I have my home, and my work week and I still have a son who needs me.
I’m so glad he needs me.
Not in the ‘I can’t live without you’ way, but – in the, ‘Show me how to ‘adult’ and help me with college way.
My gorgeous son.
So down to the ‘downer’ part.
One conversation with my mum, I’m not sharing more:
And every day it’s the same sort of conversation. How are YOU doing? How is Nannie doing? And it’s been a month w/out my Mum. And I so appreciate her and miss her and love her.
When I brought up what I HATED … I loved her response
Talk about positive.
I have a mother spending every day with my dying Nannie and still can appreciate the bulbs of flowers coming to fruition and knowing what is important.
Being there.
Just being there.
For the person she loves and who needs her.
And still has the energy to tell someone not to be jaded.
I have a new love for my mother.
I will not take anything for granted anymore.
I will love what I love and be who I am and live in the moment.
Because we all know (don’t we?) that today is a gift.
This morning, my gift was opening two eyes.
Debauchery Soup 