Category Archives: Humor
And now I have to wrap it all??
(Who wears stuff like that to shop?! ^ High heels and a fancy outfit?)
I got up at the crack of dawn, full of Christmas spirit – okay, I lie. I was tired, had no coffee in the house and there was ice on my car.
Woke up to the best of my uncaffeinated ability and hit the town.
I’m not joking when I say the oil change I decided to get after the first shop, was the fastest errand of the bunch!
My first stop was at a home improvement store. I stood – like a total idiot – staring at aisle after aisle hoping what I had come for would leap out at me. Now, MOST home improvement stores offer over eager staff asking you ‘can I help you find something?’ – I must have been there too early for that shift.
Finally someone did notice my obvious ‘I need help’ body language and promptly directed me to a very close, very large end cap that held the thing I needed.
Crossed that off the list. “Do you have a Lowes card with us?” No I don’t. “Would you like one?” No I wouldn’t – this is the only time of the year I come here. “Oh, shopping for the husband?” Yeah, my invisible one. No – my dad. (Awkward look from the clerk) “Okay, Merry Christmas!”
Next store. I walked around for probably and hour. Finding a million things I would love to have that probably no one would imagine I would love to have. Walking Dead action figures … Big Bang Theory ‘magnetic dress up Sheldon’. Love the store. Anyway, I was making the staff nervous I think. I don’t think I look like a shop lifter? (If there is such a ‘shop lifting look’) but I did look confused and out-of-place. Maybe even bordering on ‘shifty’.
Someone finally got brave enough to approach me “Can I help you find something?” No, I’m waiting for something to find me. “Oh, I completely understand”she said. I think she really did you know. I think she got me.
So I found her again later only to find out the ‘thing’ I wanted was on sale LAST week.
NEXT store – actually, that’s when I got the oil change. They were FAST! I didn’t know you could change oil that fast?!
Now, by the time I reached my next destination I was fading. Looking more like a Walking Dead action figure than a woman.
Found myself trying to think of ways to walk that conveyed to the multitude of Salvation Army bell ringers that I was a good person, I did give to one of them, but that I couldn’t give to all of them. Pfft. Impossible. I guiltily shuffled past them, eyes downcast, feeling like I had stolen the “Merry Christmas” they offered me since I didn’t put anything in their red cauldron.
I’m now exhausted – only 3 more stores to go! I can only imagine what the store personnel were thinking when they made eye contact with me. Eyes glazed, eyebrows knit into the little sad helpless pathetic diagonal position, lids heavy, legs unable to go faster than a slow shuffle. I just stood looking at things with no clue what I was looking at.
I called it done when the headache, from having no morning coffee, threw a penalty flag on my shopping play.
Crawled into a gas station to get a cup of coffee, stood in yet another line waiting to pay for it, while I suckled from it through the little ‘stirry’ straw like a comfort sippy cup.
One minute more out there and someone would have eventually found me wedged between display shelves rocking back and forth, possibly sucking my thumb.
The good news is – after ‘chilling out’ for about 1/2 an hour, finishing that nectar of the Gods through my stirry straw – I found enough energy to do it all over again, at the grocery store.
I’m calling it done now. Done! I’m done. My dried out eyeballs say I’m done, my tingling feet say I’m done. And my bank balance says I’m done.
My son went out with his friend while I was prepping a crock pot with tonight’s dinner – there’s now two new presents under the tree. One says ‘For that lady that lives with me’ the other says ‘A.K.A. mom’.
He even wrapped them.
Oh crap. I have to wrap too huh?
You know, I joke – I half heartedly whine, but I KNOW how blessed I am this year to even BE Christmas shopping. I’m so very, very grateful for the food in my cupboard, the gifts that need wrapping and having people in my life to shop for.
Joyeux Noel, Feliz Navidad and Merry Christmas shopping to all.
‘Tis better to give than watch me receive
Had a gift sitting beside me at work today. I read the card – savored it – but couldn’t bring myself to open the bag. Didn’t feel comfortable even opening in front of the other person in the office, and it wasn’t even FROM him.
I have the hardest time opening gifts in front of someone!! My family included. I get all shy and slow about it, especially at Christmas. We each get one gift at a time and everyone opens their gifts, then another is selected for each in the group, I usually end up with a few piled up while we go around the room ‘C’mon Amanda – you’re not opening yours’.
Ug.
Don’t look at me.
I try to time it so the focus is on someone else and hurry and open the gift while everyone is preoccupied.
I think I’ve narrowed my issue down to a couple of possible reasons.
1) I have a very expressive face and wear my heart (and all my other organs) on my sleeve. What if I don’t give that first reaction that the gift giver is hoping for?? I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Actually, believe it or not, I don’t like the focus on me – period. Yes, I can ham it up sometimes – but I don’t really like being looked at. I know. Get the straight jacket.
(ie: Someone mentioned an outfit I wore to work, which, was quite appropriate for work, but because he liked it, and obviously ‘he’ was a man – I haven’t worn that ensemble since).
2) I really am uncomfortable receiving anything – and would much rather be the giver. I squirm when someone wants to do something nice for me. I’m working on this, but honestly, I can’t even let you buy me a Happy Meal at McDonalds without feeling all indebted and awkward.
I’m sure there’s some psychological reason for #2. Probably something about feeling unworthy etc. etc. etc.
Pfft.
A friend pointed out a while back that I’m denying others the pleasure of blessing me. Then I just felt even worse about it.
It is not a conscious thing I do! I truly, truly feel uncomfortable being on the receiving end of charity or gifts.
When my son had his ‘incident’ in my new-to-me car, I didn’t have the deductible required to have the repairs done. I needed to make my only mode of transportation operational again. I had to borrow money from my best friend. Oh boy. Just asking for that favor about killed me.
I can pay her back in a couple of months, plus interest, but the whole ordeal was incredibly humiliating for me. Of course, she responds to my long, apologetic request with a light-hearted ‘of course!’. I make everything so much bigger than it needs to be.
I wouldn’t think twice about helping a friend. Giving a gift to a friend. You could have the shirt off my back and I wouldn’t be thinking about it the next day even … but somehow, the logic that others feel that way too when they give, does not sink in with me. I know it to be true, but don’t feel it.
Good news is – you can trust me with a can of worms, or even a can of whoop ass, because I assure you – I won’t open them.
Wishing you a ‘Happy’. That’s it. Carry on.
Attended the annual Christmas party on Saturday and the requisite topic of this time of the year was overheard by my bionic ear. (Okay, the person was about 3 people from me at the table, although it was a bit of a feat to hear them over the lounge singer).
“I won’t say Happy Holidays, it’s Merry Christmas“.
Now, I’ve always sort of agreed with that. Well, more to the point, agreed that people should be allowed to say “Merry Christmas” – and maybe it was my shiny dress talking but I heard myself say (or my dress say), “But there are a lot of holidays in December. A proprietor has to consider all of their customers”.
There’s Hanukkah, Christmas, Yule, Kwanzaa, New Years, to name a few.
Unless someone’s holding a manger set and wearing a cross, I’d be jumping to a conclusion to say “Merry Christmas!” as a customer checked out.
Isn’t that pretty serious profiling to just assume something as personal as someone’s religious beliefs?
No one get’s offended when they’re told “Happy Presidents Day!” (Do they?!)
I can’t recall getting the response, “HEY! I celebrate Lincolns birthday – don’t lump that Federalist Washington in there!”
Then again, to be perfectly honest, I don’t recall wishing someone Happy Presidents Day either.
I personally wouldn’t be offended if anyone wished me a happy anything.
Happy works for me.
I’ll even roll with “Happy Birthday” if it’s not my birthday. Why not?
But God forbid (literally apparently) a cashier notice a birthday while looking at a Jehovah’s Witness drivers license. No celebrating that for them.
It’s all so bonkers.
Just smile and nod people. Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
There are in fact multiple holiday’s in December.
Just wish every one a ‘Happy’.
Ooo! And here’s my shiny dress.
Deep thoughts @ ‘too bloody early O’Clock’
SO I was thinking. (Uh-Oh). I’ll begin with why I’m up. My alarm went off, I blatantly ignored it with a thump to the snooze button, then actually acknowledged the 2nd set of beeps.
PANIC! Oh crap! It’s 6:33! I’ve got to wake Nic up! Get his breakfast! Get him out of the door in 7 minutes to make the bus! Okay, if I hurry, I can get ready for work and drive him to school … (yes, he’s 17, get off me, I like our routine, besides, he sleeps like a log and doesn’t hear his alarm).
Oh. That’s right. It’s Saturday. And he’s not even here.
Ta-da. I’m up.
I’m not one of those ‘go back to sleep’ types. Dammit. So I’m up.
Back to thinking.
I have a book someone loaned me called ‘The Big Book of If’s’. Thought it would be fun to post one a day on my Facebook page and see what people had to say.
This morning was ‘If you could have God perform one miracle today, what would it be?’
Yesterdays was ‘If you could change one thing about your mother’s life, what would it be?’
Now – I recall every birthday as a girl, blowing out the candles, squeezing my eyes tight and (oh so originally) wishing for a pony. Actually, I wished for a horse.
Never got one – did go on to become quite a good rider in both English and Western. But I digress.
What if *poof* there was suddenly a horse in the garden?
When we’re little, we don’t think about the fact that the horse might actually need things. Like, oh say, food. Room to roam, medical care, new shoes, accessories, baths, being picked up after, etc. etc.
Had a similar thought when the Power Ball lottery here was up to half a billion dollars. No, not that I would buy a pony, but about our initial gut response to what we would want, or want to do without considering the side effects.
If you’re not a greedy, self-centered bastard, which describes no one I know thank goodness – one repeated answer to ‘what would you do if you won the lottery’ is usually ‘I would give a lot of it away, help people’.
Very noble. Very kind. Very. However, (and this is how my mind works) what about the butterfly effect?!
What if you help (with all good intentions) someone out of their tough situation and they were supposed to be going through it?
I can vouch for the fact that when things were really the darkest, I came out of it stronger, more self-aware, more spiritual and a hell of a lot more grateful.
I’d have to carefully assess someone’s entire situation before giving them the ‘gift’ of money. Money doesn’t make everything okay.
Are they working? Are they trying? Are they making the best of things?
Bailing someone out is a lot different from helping someone up. I’m not saying I wouldn’t be giving money away left and right, because I totally would – I’d just have to take time to know if it was the right thing to do in each situation.
OK. Onto the ‘If’.
Thought long and hard about the mother question. In some selfish way, I considered a lot of changes I could have wished for her, but then I probably wouldn’t have been born. We can’t have that! Good grief.
Even if I wished she knew her value – that could have deleted me right out of the picture. If she knew her value at a younger age, she may never have slept with my dad! She might have remained celibate for crying out loud.
Remember the monkeys paw people!! (What is it with the critters? Butterfly effect, Monkeys paw)
So my answer ended up being ‘that she had her dad longer’. He passed too soon. And she has regrets that she didn’t get to say good-bye and they weren’t speaking at the time. But, then again, who’s to say that didn’t teach her to be sure to tell everyone from that point forward that she loves them while they’re here?
This is my point. Everything has a ripple effect. We may not see it. We may not understand it. We may not like it. But it’s true.
If I hadn’t lived my ‘Debauchery’ bits, well, first, this blog would be called something else. Secondly, there would be no Nic.
Reminds me of that song by FUN – the last part:
“My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she call “love”
When I look into my nephew’s eyes…
Man, you wouldn’t believe the most amazing things that can come from…
Some terrible {lies|nights}…ahhh…”
So we have to be careful what we wish for. And as for today’s ‘if’. Could wish the miracle would be ‘no war’. ‘No sickness’. But – if there werent’ sickness or disease, how soon until the Earth just spiraled right out of orbit with the intense weight of the mega-population? We procreate faster than we die these days you know. (I have absolutely no facts to support that, and I’m not going to look it up either).
I shall answer today’s ‘if’ this way.
‘If you could have God perform one miracle today, what would it be?’
I would ask that he fill everyone with compassion. (That or Serenity, I can NEVER just pick one thing!)
And then I would hope that one of the compassionate people would come by and give me a pony!
The advent calendar debacle
Busy week! Busy at work, tired at home – actually overslept a couple of mornings ago too. Blogging has been almost impossible considering – plus, my son has been hogging the computer during the fleeting hours in the evening we share awake.
I have to tell you about the day before my big outing to the laundromat.
November’s trips to the grocery store were met with an advent calendar display at the checkout. I was tempted every time to grab one (at $1.50 who could resist?). Apparently I could. “It’s only November for crying out loud”. I told myself. “Probably the chocolate will go bad if I buy it this early”. I told myself.
The fact that the very same advent calendars in December would be the ones from November didn’t dawn on me.
Any who. It’s the first shopping trip of December and I’m determined to come home with that little cardboard holiday delight. DETERMINED.
Off we go. Shopping done – to the checkout. Um … where are they?? I panicked and glanced around (why is it when you want someone to ask ‘are you finding everything ok?’ they don’t??).
I fancied myself an extroverted get things done type person in my head, “You there! Yes, you. Direct me to your advent calendars – the checkout display has been displaced”. What really happened was I just stood there, all pitiful looking – my son rolling his eyes.
I did find someone who accidentally made eye contact with me. “No, they sold out”. Ug.
I was not going home without a freaking advent calendar. Fine. We’ll check out and go to another store.
Next store – none. Managed to lose my son in a Christmas aisle – (that brought back memories).
Once I found him, probably he thought we were going home – oh heck no.
Off to another shop!!
And, they did have advent calendars. Approximately 4 of them. All the same design.
The epitome of Christmas – the perfect touch for a Season of Joy and a daily countdown …
Oh yeah. Nothing says ‘Christmas’ like Disney Pixar’s ‘Cars’. Pfft. 
I’ve never even seen the movie – but that was all there was. It came home with us.
I ranted a little on Facebook – and dutifully peeled the doors open for about 5 days. Pathetic little squares of horrible chocolate flopping out.
I had to force Nic to participate … ‘Let’s find ‘2’ … isn’t this exciting?! Your turn to find 2!’. Evidently it wasn’t all that exciting.
I have a friend (remember Lisa the BFF that I said would be showing up in more posts? Yeah her. The one currently prepping for a business trip to Hong Kong tonight – lucky!) Anyway, she caught wind of my advent issue.
Came home this week to a big box.
The Christmas countdown is on now!
Looky what came in the mail.
Now I have 3! Three advent calendars! ^_^ Aren’t they gorgeous??
The interest in participating has increased around here. The chocolate is amazing.
This morning, as Nic was peeling open day 7 on the new ones unprompted, I asked, “Hey – what about the ‘Cars’ one?”
“That’s on you” he said.
Actually wrapped some gifts tonight in his absence. The countdown is on – and it’s yummy.
And since he’s spending the night out – looks like I’ll be enjoying 3 chocolates for breakfast tomorrow. 🙂
Debauchery Soup 