Category Archives: Humor
Musings from the Laundromat: Cake, foot-in-mouth and Mr. Stare edition
Had to do some serious motivational speeches in my head this morning to get out of bed and to the laundromat. Mostly they consisted of: ‘when you get everything done, you can have cake.’
Some were more along the lines of ‘You get out of life what you put into it’ and ‘you’ll feel better after your chores are done and you can relax’ but, mostly they all ended with cake.
So here I am. Things weren’t looking good when I arrived.
Someone was at my table. (‘My’ table, lol)
Not just anybody – but a male who, I felt looking at me the whole time I was putting my items in the washing machines. I tried not to look up, but eventually had to and when I made eye contact, he didn’t break it!
Creeped me out. I felt his stare and could see his focus on me in my peripheral vision.
I hurried to the rainbow umbrella table and stared ahead. At this lovely sight.
Yes, the laundromat bathrooms are ready for Halloween. Good grief.
Normally this would please me – but sitting under the giant rainbow umbrella juxtaposed with staring at such a dank, yellowed, dismal view left me feeling uncomfortable.
Especially since Mr. Stare was still staring at me from MY table.
The view and the sensation were about as pleasant as finding a Band Aid in the dryer, after drying your clothes and knowing no one at your house injured themselves.
Yeah.
That kind of unpleasant.
Anyway – he’s gone now.
So back to motivation and cake.
My son’s girlfriend turned 19 yesterday and when they returned from a day at her house and dinner – they sat and we chatted and laughed AND … she had brought me a piece of saved cake.
It wasn’t until she left and Nic squirreled his way under my tin foiled treasure, that it was revealed in all it’s cakey glory that it came with candles.
How adorable is that? Who thinks to leave them in?
Well, it certainly had the appropriate number of candles because I behaved as if I were three yesterday.
I have this annoying habit of speaking my mind.
I really try not to! I do!
I sit myself down and explain why it is not a good time to bring something up, or why I should not say what’s on my mind. I nod at myself and agree – then proceed to do it anyway.
I infuriate me sometimes. But I can never stay mad at me long.
So the weekend has pretty much consisted of me behaving like a 3 year-old – being extra emotional – feeling insecure, crying at animal videos and craving cake.
Wonderful.
Even Butters has been in an odd mood. She took herself off to bed last night after giving up waiting on me and she’s doing her really good imitation one of those poor, unloved animals you see on those gut wrenching commercials.
Notice she’s being very ‘unloved’ from her spot on my bed. Which I’m allowing even though she’s shedding like crazy.
I’m hoping to cheer myself and the dog up by cleaning when I get home with the laundry and letting some light and fresh air into the house.
And! By removing the foot from my mouth and inserting cake.
A womans ‘day off’
A week or so ago, I realized I needed a break. My attitude was reflecting it and my body was shouting it.
I planned Monday and Tuesday off. I SO wanted three days in a row with nowhere I HAD to be!!
My time off was granted!!! My inner physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted woman summoned the energy for jazz hands and cartwheels as I read that email.
Then one of my bosses mentioned a presentation he was giving at a real estate office and that he wanted me to go with him. Tuesday.
Sigh.
So, three days in a row was not to be. I switched my days off to Friday and Monday.
That’s fine. Two days in a row is better than no days in a row. (I do my second job on Saturdays if the days aren’t adding up for you.)
The last three days, I worked sick. My body must have caught wind of the upcoming time off and gave the order: “Okay! Shut down! Head, stomach, ear, muscles – feel free to fall apart now. Fever, kick in! Let’s go! Let’s go!”
I kid you not, I was standing outside in 94 degree weather with goosebumps on my skin. Chills … dizziness – just generally unwell.
I was D-O-N-E!
So, let me tell you about my first day of ‘sickation’. Yes, we took the scenic view to get to my point. You’re welcome. 😉
I don’t know if it’s primarily a woman thing – (and I don’t want to be sexist, but from years of observation, I’m pretty sure it IS primarily a ‘woman thing’) but I can NOT relax until everything that needs doing has been done.
Seriously incapable of chilling out if there are dishes in the sink, dog hairs on the carpet, dust on the furniture, errands that need to be run.
I awoke at 5:30 am and wanted nothing more than to curl back into my sheets and close my eyes.
But, Butters had something urgent to attend to outside. A bird must have flown by the house, or a rabbit must have looked over at her yard. Those are the sort of emergencies that she tends to.
Far be it from me to deny her the feeling of accomplishment. And, she is a woman, probably she couldn’t relax knowing she hadn’t barked at an early morning passing car.
I feel you Butters – I get it.
So, up I got.
And up I stayed.
By 7:30, I decided to ‘just do it’. Nike my way through the morning and enjoy the afternoon.
Grocery shopping entailed 3 separate shops as they each had different items on sale. By 10:00 am I was home.
Of course, Nic was still sleeping, so I hauled in the goods and put them away.
I do try to carry all the bags at once – but this cold/flu thing has rendered my muscles into jelly. SO! Three trips later, I was done.
If you’re like me, this is also the moment you take to clear out the fridge of expired foods and uneaten leftovers.
I stood and looked around the kitchen. Whimpered a little. And sprung into action. Next was the living room – which extended into my bedroom, connected to my bathroom. Then when it became apparent that Nic’s bathroom wasn’t going to clean itself, I did his too.
In between cleaning (and placing this adorable pumpkin in my kitchen!)
I took advantage of the heavy winds outside. I washed my fake plants and put them outside to blow dry.
House done.
Check.
Next, the side job I took on. I finished the last 500 of thousands of envelopes I have been stamping, labeling, stuffing and sealing.
Finished with that, said goodbye to Nic and his girlfriend and vacuumed for the second time today. Wind + desert sand + shedding dog = multiple vacuum moments.
Finally got to sit down for a few moments after that … to pay bills at the computer.
I realized I had forgotten an item on my shopping list – and I would have just let it go if it was something I could do without. Went BACK to the store for dish liquid.
I didn’t leave with just dish liquid though – I decided to treat myself. I guiltily put a small bouquet of flowers in my cart.
Do you love my little art model? It’s like it’s saying “Whoa! Where did those come from?”
I think I deserve them.
And now, at 5:33 pm, 12 hours since my eyelids parted on this Friday – I am FINALLY on the couch. After a achingly wonderful, welcome shower, and baking some cookies.
I can now take some medicine and exhale.
Until it’s time to make dinner.
I know I’m not the only one – women, I salute you!
And as for Butters – I think I exhausted her with my whirlwind of determined activity. She actually rolled her eyes at me! I caught it on camera to share with you.
Wishing everyone a very happy weekend! And I hope you find time to recharge.
Driving me Bonkers!
I have been told I drive like a grandma.
I suppose I do. If the grandma is a patient, calm, highly skilled driver!
But, in 28 years of driving, I have not had a speeding ticket or been involved in an accident while I’ve been driving.
(Okay, if we’re counting the time I backed into my moms Durango the morning after she arrived from out-of-town, then I’ve had one teeny tiny accident. But I was so used to just reversing in the driveway and there not BEING a vehicle there!)
No moving violations on public roads. There. That’s better.
So I get to vent – because I CAN throw a stone. My house is not made of glass when it comes to this topic.
I’m pretty anal about following the law. I border on annoying with my honesty.
I’m the driver that would stop at a stop sign the day after a zombie apocalypse.
(Just one of many reasons why I wouldn’t survive a zombie apocalypse.)
I digress.
So – the reason I need to vent – is because the following events happen to me on a regular basis:
- impatient attitudes from behind me IN THE SLOW LANE (get in the flipping FAST lane)
- cars pulling out from a street onto the highway in front of me when there is NO one behind me (you couldn’t wait ’til I passed?)
- annoyed people behind me at stop lights for not turning right on the red when the road to the left is not clear (you can’t see what I see, dumbass)
Let’s take these one by one shall we?
SPEED LIMITS:
Speed. Limit.
Limit.
Limmm-it.
LIMIT!
I observe these things.
I observe them because I interpret ‘limit’ to mean, the most – the max – the tippy tippy top.
And because I’m also conscientious, I don’t do the speed limit in the left lane – I stay on the right hand side. So, if I’m in the appropriate lane for the appropriate speed, do not get behind me and try to mate with my bumper! Don’t! Just stop it.
I’ve taken to refusing to watch you in my rear view mirror after noticing you tail gating – I do this so that I don’t absorb the negative energy from your hand gestures or foul faces. There is a passing lane available to you. Use it.
PULLING OUT IN FRONT OF ME:
(Yeah … there’s just no way I’m putting that string of words into a search engine … no pic for this one LOL!)
Stop it.
I’ve comforted myself with the following reasoning: Because I’m such a safe driver, my car must be emitting a ‘safe aura’ which other drivers interpret as ‘she’ll stop/let you in/roll on her back in the submissive position’.
*sigh*
And I do.
What drives me bonkers – is when a car in a complete stopped position – pulls out in front of me so that I have to slow down to avoid hitting said car, when there is NO ONE behind me.
Seriously! WAIT! You could have a whole road to yourself. Just let me pass first!
I think at this point, I need to make the following clear: I don’t drive slowly. I seriously just am going the limit. If I was creeping down the road at a snail’s pace, I could understand not wanting to wait for me to pass.
Anyway.
Next.
DOING THE ‘WHY AREN’T YOU GOING??’ ANNOYED SHRUG BEHIND ME AT A RED LIGHT:
I believe turning right on a red light is much like a driver’s license … it’s a privilege, not a right. (Okay, it is a ‘right’ but not a RIGHT … wait … forget it.)
You may turn right on a red light IF it is safe to do so and you’re not interfering with traffic that has the green light.
If I’m not GOING, it’s because there are still cars APPROACHING! You can’t see them. You are behind me.
And even if there is a brief moment or two of no cars zooming past – guess what I’m doing?
I’m calculating that even if I DID pull out at that precise moment, I would cause the car that is still approaching in the near distance to have to adjust his speed significantly or change lanes in order not to HIT me!
Stop it.
The part that annoys me the most is that there are people on the road that I see daily.
I really try to be very understanding when someone is an arsehole on the road.
I do.
I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I imagine the following: “Maybe they’re late to work and stressed out about that” “Maybe they got into an argument with someone before they left the house and are just not thinking clearly” “Perhaps they just got bad news and are in a hurry to get somewhere”
But – when the same drivers do it regularly – no excuse.
Get up on time. Leave early to give yourself enough time to get to your destination, like I do. And quit being such dicks on the road!
Ooo! And OFF road too! Don’t even get me started on the people who speed through my neighborhood, kicking up rocks and dust with their obnoxious speeding tires. Kids and animals are out and about … slow the hell down.
Pitypause
I’m going through a mild case of ‘pitypause’ again.
Not to be confused with menopause – there are no night sweats, but mood swings are similar.
Pitypause comes and goes – symptoms include sadness, insomnia, unusual desire for cake and decreased desire for conversation. Which, for this Chatty Cathy is quite eerie to those around me.
Yes, pitypause affects others.
There is a cure.
It’s called ‘Count-Your-Blessings’. It’s effective 99.9% of the time.
I was in danger once more of losing my last marble this weekend. So I took action!
The marbles I bought a while ago, to replace the ones I lost during my last bout of pitypause, have been safely placed in a happy looking bottle.
I’m keeping a close eye on them . I think it apropos to place them next to light. My marbles need all the positive energy they can get.
If someone you know is going through pitypause – be patient, offer an ear, a hug and push cake at them … from a safe distance.
Staple removers, chocolate and hula hoops
Why is it that when I have to stay awake, I most want to sleep? It’s like not being hungry – then being told you HAVE to fast – suddenly:
I’m up because my son has promised himself as a taxi to someone who needs to be picked up at 4 in the morning.
I didn’t want him driving sleepy – so he’s napping – and I’ve taken on role of alarm clock.
And I want my bed!
It was a long day.
Work has been rough lately!
If I am to find the silver lining (other than having a job, that’s a given) it would be that the days have flown by on wings of some really fast bird.
My attitude today though, sucked. I’ll admit it. I’ll own that one.
I actually threw a staple remover at one point in frustration … not across the room or anything, just from my hand to my desk. Of course, it hit my metal file stand and made a bigger deal out of itself than I intended.
Wasn’t my proudest moment.
I think that might have been the point when I decided I needed to remove myself from the office for a little while.
When I returned, I gave my boss a small box of candy and told him I was sorry for my tantrum.
He gestured to my desk where he had placed a small piece of chocolate. Aw, see! We understand each other.
The good news is – when I need an attitude adjustment, I know it. And not only do I know it – I’m proactive about adjusting it.
Besides the small box of candy for my boss – I also bought a hula hoop. It was on sale for 48 cents.
In my self-imposed time out – my inner child needed that hula hoop. It helped the attitude adjustment immensely.
I decided to take my adjustment one step further, I emailed my other boss and requested some time off.
I am spent!
Mentally and physically s-p-e-n-t!
I don’t take ‘vacations’. My time off is used for such exciting things as ‘I have to be home because the handy man is coming and someone needs to be there’.
I have never taken more than 1 day off in a row. And it’s showin’!
So – I took TWO days off in a row! Crazy! Next month.
In my fantasies, I shall have cake, and pajamas and movies and … alright, let’s face it I’ll probably end up cleaning the house and finding dozens of other things that need my attention in order to not feel guilty about relaxing. But still – it’s 2 days off in a row.
Until next month – I must remember this:
Debauchery Soup 