Category Archives: Humor
Alone for Thanksgiving
You know, moms lose their sons – but tend to keep their daughters.
I was informed last week that my offspring would be eating turkey at his girlfriends house.
I knew this day was coming – but didn’t know it would hit when he was 19!
I had prepared myself for the “We’re spending Christmas at my wife’s parents house” sentence – but that was supposed to be YEARS from now – and I’d be tending to my 15 cats by then and unable to dwell too much on his absence!
What happened???
We usually go together to my moms for a feast. But this year, after hearing I would be sans child – I decided to stay home with Butters.
My mom understood. Mostly because she’s a huge animal lover and advocate and knows how I hate that every holiday we end up bailing on Butters to partake in festivities without her.
I’m also not a huge fan of Thanksgiving.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m a HUGE fan of being thankful. And if it was just a special day set aside for doing just that, I’d be all in. But there’s that tricky Pilgrim/Indian factor.
The whole myth of the harmony of that first feast turns my stomach to the point of not wanting to fill it with brussel sprouts or stuffing.
Then the completely food selfish glutton in me manages to get over that and pig out.
I bought myself a turkey – plan to make a full meal and enjoy having the relaxing time at home. I’m going to love smelling the meal cooking while lazily flicking through channels to find the perfect corny holiday movie to settle on.
I might even fish out the Christmas decorations – or at the very least, the Christmas candy bowl.
It’s my first 4 day weekend in I don’t even know how long!
Butters and I will enjoy every moment.
None of those moments will include being anywhere near a shop on Black Friday by the way.
I’ve managed to restrain myself and not bring up the way the Wampanoag were treated … so I’ll keep it light and skip the holiday commercialism speech too.
I DO wish everyone reading this, Peace, Gratitude and Love in their lives. May your day fill more than your stomach – may your heart be filled with precious new memories.
And hey, if you’re parents of young children, let them be loud, let them climb down from the table, let them stick their fingers into the pumpkin pie – don’t sweat the small stuff! Because one day – they will have other plans.
The Pareidolia Paradigm
I have always seen images in seemingly plain things.
Never could see those damn pictures in those 3D Stereograms though! Remember them? I believe they were at their hottest in the 90’s. ‘Magic Eye’ art.
I would stare – nose to the frame then back away, back away, back away.
Nothing. Pffft.
Ok, I think ONCE I saw something. But this was probably after some smarty-eye next to me announced what they saw “Oh look! It’s a sail boat! And there are people on it waving and one of them is missing a button on their jacket!” Oh shut up.
Anyway – back to pareidolia.
‘the human tendency to read significance into random or vague stimuli (both visual and auditory). The term comes from the Greek words “para” (παρά), meaning beside or beyond, and “eidolon” (εἴδωλον), meaning form or image.’
My earliest memories of this phenomenon would be my bedroom wall when I was a child. The wall was textured and I had a whole world living on it! I always wanted to trace around my findings in pencil and capture them. Mostly faces – but often animals, familiar characters – body parts like hands and torsos – plants and landscapes.
I loved gazing at my wall and discovering new pictures.
A more recent example would be my purse yesterday morning.
Although my friends see things too – I felt I had to include examples beside it before I shared. God forbid anyone think I was bonkers. (Alright, we know I’m bonkers, but I needed someone to validate my muppet purse. Yip, yip, yip.)
Tile is another endless wonderland for me. I’ve always stared down at tile and found imagination gold.
Here’s Roger from the animated show American Dad. The little perv lives in my bathroom.
Do you see him?
It’s not just objects in things – I see pictures in font too. lol <— looks like a man drowning to me. The ampersand looks like something scooting across a carpet.
I’m not alone – or this wouldn’t be on the internet:
The great thing is I’m not alone – and my friends pepper my Facebook page with images they know I’ll see – that they see too.
But did you know that pareidolia used to be considered a symptom of psychosis?!
I’m pleased to announce to those friends and to you reading this that can relate – that is no longer the case.
We seers are normal.
Well – as normal as someone who says ‘hi’ to Roger every time she goes pee can be.
Shivering and sheds and things …
“Mom, we can’t LIVE like this!”
My only child put his hands on my cheeks with sincerity in his eyes …
“It’s 72 degrees!!!!”
His hand were freaking cold.
Ok, I know – there are those of you living in places where you slip and slide attempting to drive to work – on black ice and through blinding snow. There are those of you whose pipes no doubt shall freeze – whose breath shall be visible in the chilled air.
I get it.
But how many of you have had an 80 degree drop? And it’s not even Winter yet for crying out loud!
I peeled my eyelids open this morning and seriously wondered if Fall could write me a note to get me out of work.
“To Whom It May Concern,
Amanda was unable to come in to work today due to the complete inability to remove herself from the barely comforting ‘comforter’ and exposing herself to the 50 degree temperatures within her home.
Signed,
Autumn.”
That wasn’t going to fly probably.
I braved it … and when I say ‘braved it’ I mean, I slid an arm out of the blanket next and grabbed for my sweatshirt. Slid a leg out and poked my foot into my Ugg boot – then had to actually sit up to accomplish the same for the other foot.
Butters has suddenly become a snuggler – surprise, surprise – and she lay all cute and curled up and watched me with feigned interest as I removed myself from my bed, bit by bit.
Oh how I wished I could turn on the heater! It was 50 degrees in the house (I discovered this as I briskly trotted back to the bedroom holding a microwaved cup of yesterdays coffee.)
My pilot light went out when I accidentally shut off the gas thinking it was the water main a few months back. (Remember that? Yeah well, now we have repercussions don’t we?) Although, this does put me in a position of not breaking my annual tradition of lighting the flipping pilot and my friends and followers laughing at me doing it.
You would think I’d remember how I did it the past year – but every time (4 years now) it’s a YouTube tutorial then an ‘Ok, here we go!’ big ass event.
Feel like a hero in a movie – “I’m goin’ in!” Braving the gas and the metal and the flames to bring warmth to my little family.
Butters feigns interest for that activity too.
It’s always super rewarding when I do accomplish it though.
Speaking of accomplishing things …
I think I mentioned in my last post that we get wind.
No, not that kind.
Bitter, crazy wind that snaps and huffs and puffs and blows things down.
This weekend it was my shed. Sharp metal panels were hanging dangerously – all I could think was that if I didn’t get out and do something about it, a piece was going to completely abandon the structure and go slicing off into the air and decapitate something.
So outside I went – early in the morning with my galvanized steel wire and pliers and proceeded to stitch it together the best I could. My fingers almost needed stitching – with the flapping metal panels snagging me as I attempted to secure the pieces together, I cut myself several times. It was probably a two-man job in such weather conditions and there were zero men – only me – (I have a new saying by the way “Don’t send a man in to do an Amanda job” – that was coined at work. Lol)
Anyway – Butters, again – is busy feigning interest – I think she was just glad I was outside with her somewhere other than the porch.
She abandoned me mid project to sniff around and bark at flying debris.
I kept stitching.
Don’t know why I bothered – this morning it was all sharply hanging and dangerous again.
I’ll probably get home to find a pair of ruby slippers sticking out from beneath it – if they’re fleece lined, I’ll keep ’em.
Musings from the Laundromat: Peace love and wind edition
Woke last night to the howling of wind – debris clashing about in my yard – the metal shed bending and snapping – and smiled. And curled into a tighter ball beneath my covers.
Oh how I LOVE this time of year! From 130 degrees to 50! It was 50 in the car on the way over to the laundromat this morning.
Deeeee-lightful!
I walked in and was greeted by a man in dark glasses, a leather biker vest and plaid shirt. “You made it!” He said.
I’ll chat with whomever strikes up a conversation with me – but I could not recall having struck one up with him these past laundromat years “Yeah!” I responded.
He then went on to share, as I filled my washing machines, how this wind is kicking dust up into his eyes and he just had cataract surgery.
So now I’m wondering if that’s why he’s talking to me – he thinks I’m someone else? I also hoped that meant he didn’t see the pair of underwear on the floor that escaped during the washing machine filling. (Seriously – EVERY time??? I have rebellious undies.)
________________________
Big news – I left the house yesterday.
You think I’m joking – but nope, I did. AND put makeup on. Eek!
It was an event for work and the theme was peace love and disco.
(The disco part proved to be difficult after 2 prime rib plates and 3 desserts, but I soldiered though it.)
It was amazing. Have to admit, I was going into full panic attack mode as I approached the venue and parked.
Didn’t help that as I was walking from my car to the building (a casino) two men came out and leered – one said “Thank YOOOU” to me. I had never wanted a trench coat to magically appear on me more in my life.
I entered the building and headed for the escalators – up I went – eyes front, as I heard wolf whistles from the bar below.
Okay, it’s nice to get a compliment from time to time, but I was CRINGING inside. Wishing that magical coat would appear and wrap tightly around me. Did not happen.
I decided to walk the rest of the way with my head up and a purposeful gait. Which probably only made me look like a stuck up hooker.
It’s quite a walk to the actual destination – but I made it. When I walked in – WOW! Amazing. The place was decked out! (My ipad isn’t really the best at capturing ‘wow’ especially in dimly lit rooms)
I found my people and anxiety level started to drop.
A friend of mine found me “How did they get you OUT?!” Ha ha – but she knows me.
I’ll share another picture – I can’t say what event, where or who my work family is – but I don’t think they’d mind me sharing anonymously. That’s me on the left – the 5th wheel. lol
Apparently there was a senator there – I don’t know my government officials so the coolness of that was sort of lost on me.
I did get to do the Hustle and my best Saturday Night Fever moves. I did get to laugh and watch as my work family accepted awards. And I’m not kidding when I say I had two plates of food. I hadn’t had red meat in a loooooong time – I was not fooling around when it came to eating last night!
And now it’s time to empty the drier – and PRAY no underwear dives to the floor as there is a table of 5 men next to my folding station.
Until next time –
Mirror Mirror on the Wall
What to say about this guest writer? I met this amazing woman when I was young – in my first real apartment working my first real full-time job – I think it’s safe to say where, as neither of us are near there anymore, Pebble Beach. (OMG, I was my sons age!) and my thoughts about her then were that she was a beautiful ‘broad’. Let me clarify. I think of ‘broad’ as a compliment. Someone who knows who she is, doesn’t take crap and knows where she wants to go. Spoke her mind, was amazing at her job and was someone I looked up to. I was blessed to get to be a part of her friend circle – I, to this day, have no clue why she let me in. I mean, I was seriously green – making all my first mistakes and was not anywhere close to being a ‘broad’. (Still not there yet lol).
I spent time with her and her husband Steve. House sat for them once and tended to their iguana? It was either a ginormous iguana or a wingless dragon that struck fear into my heart – but I did it because I felt honored to be asked.
I remember a military picnic of sorts with her and loved spending the time and loved that she invited me.
(Time plays tricks, did I house sit or just meet the dragon at that picnic??)
We lost touch, as people who carry on through life out of arms reach do – and found one another on Facebook years later.
Now we’re both moms and she’s still with her love. ( I LOVE that part)
A couple of years ago, she sent me a book and an essay she wrote. The deal was, I was to pay that forward, write my own essay, send it and the book to someone. I have greedily held onto the book – and the essay. I will forward it when I’m ready. When I feel I’m in a place to offer any kind of wisdom without feeling like I don’t even take my own advice.
I called her out on Facebook to be my next guest writer and she obliged. I give to you – Ann – (You can’t have all of her – just this for now. But trust me, she IS the sort of woman who would give you all of her. Kind, compassionate, generous, loving …. anyway – tangent)
Ok Here it is. Mirror Mirror On The Wall
I have always been aware of the mirrors on the wall. Big, small, ornate or simple I have greeted each mirror with the understanding that it is a true reflection of what is before it.
For many many years I have seen mirrors with both a true reflection and a “magnified” reflection. Assuming that the magnification was intended to witness blemishes and faults in the epidermis of us all I appreciated its purpose. Then suddenly the other day I realized its true purpose.
I am 50 and quite comfortable in my own skin and body and believe me it is not perfect. I was fortunate to have been at my best physically between the ages of 17 and 22. (thanks Mom & Dad for the good genes among other things).
So on to the mirror. It is two-faced; true and big. Going to apply simple eyeliner I threw on my “readers” as I can see virtually nothing without them, only to realize haha I cannot apply with them on.
Of course!
And then I know, it is an epiphany.
That is what the magnification side of the mirror is for, aging people applying make-up!
Just goes to prove viewing something from another perspective is always an opportunity for education. Different perspective, different answers. It is all in what you see and what you need.
Debauchery Soup 