Category Archives: Gratitude
‘Friends’ or ‘How I’m going to make it through ‘Amandapause’
I was emotional today (shocker).
I sat missing my boy and tears streamed down my cheeks. I’m having a rough time with this transition thing.
I snapped at Nic (in IM) when he reminded me he would be gone a week starting Monday. I won’t see him until the second week of 2015 – and every second is so precious.
I was on the heels of yesterday’s amazing day. The BEST part was just having that time with him you know?
My heart had grown three sizes and my love for my boy was at 11.
When I got home I told him, “I’m sorry I snapped at you – the thing is, you have a mess of a mother and you’re the best part of me.”
And he is. Or, he brought it out anyway.
I’m my own worst critic, which I’ve been reminded of by my nearest and dearest friends.
Anyway – rewind – after a weepy day – I drove home and thought to check the mail.
In my little cluster box was a key. A key! That meant a package. My first thought, “Nic will be glad something he ordered came.”
But it was addressed to me – a box from ‘Santa’s Elves’. I knew from the address who the elf was. I won’t name her because I don’t know if it’s ok.
Inside it:
SO many amazing treats.
My first thought – even after my attitude brightened and I had a smile on my face?
“WHY do I deserve this friendship???”
I’ve had this thought before – many times.
________________________
I used to be able to surprise my friends with fun tokens of appreciation – silly cards – meals, and would do so at every opportunity. Whether it be a balloon just because it was Thursday, or something I knew they’d just love! ^_^
A lot of the reason I don’t do that anymore is money related now – but if I’m being fair, and I’m being honest – it’s because I have been having this decade long pity party.
I’m so DONE!
I don’t reach out – I don’t go anywhere – I resist. I reached a point in my life where I just wanted to be in my nest and became very selfish.
Not in a ‘it’s all about me’ way – but in a ‘it’s about nothing and nobody’ way.
Does that make sense?
Here:
I built a wall. I climbed into my comfort zone and curled into a stupid little ball.
But:
Constantly. I seriously don’t know why they put up with me!!! And I don’t say that for someone to tell me why they do – I am not fishing. I’m being very serious.
I have a friend Lisa – (I’ve named her before, I don’t think she’ll mind) who has made every past Christmas amazing – with funny thoughtful gifts. Last Christmas she took me to the Eiffel Tower restaurant and showered me with gifts. All the while I was embarrassed, not being able to reciprocate – and the gift I made her? I had made with a fever. I was so sick. For what seemed like weeks. Even her mom mentioned on Facebook maybe we shouldn’t even be meeting up. She didn’t want Lisa getting sick. LOL!
Point is – I felt inadequate.
A combination of embarrassment of what I had to offer and a serious hard time receiving.
But I SO love when I’m thought of.
I’ve received little and big treats from other friends too – and never feel deserving, but always feel so uplifted by the gesture.
It’s never about the gift – (although they SO know me and the gifts are amazing) but mostly about the fact that they went out of their way – had me in mind and followed through!
So I have a New Years resolution – (which I usually try to stay away from) 2015 will be me, filling my address book and whenever I can, brightening a friends day with a little something.
Because it feels SO good.
(I try not to mention when I do a good deed, I feel like it sucks the ‘good’ out of it.
But I will share with my followers, that Christmas Eve I went to ‘The Neighbor’s’. I had an abundance of treats – so I took some banana nut bread and home-made toffee, plus two toys that Butters didn’t need anymore. I said Merry Christmas to the little ones and the poor dog next door got the toys. I didn’t have to do a covert op with Nic. LOL!)
Anyway – feeling like I need to appreciate the ones I love more. And I can say it and know they’re the kind of people that’s enough for – but I want them opening an unexpected envelope or small box and having the warm fuzzy feeling they gave me!
I’d name you all who gave me that feeling if I felt it was okay to do so.
I love you all. x
Thank you for loving me back.
More holiday fun
I’m like a kid – I’ll play with the boxes and ribbons instead of the present – as proven here.
A basket of goodies came and I was all over those ribbons like a cat. Okay, a naughty cat, but when it comes to someone holding a camera – I have to be a ham (or, a chocolate pasty stripper?!)
My son called later in the day.
Nic: The UPS man is here
(I hear Butters barking like crazy in the background)
Nic: Says ‘perishable’ – I’m openin’ it.
Me: Who’s it addressed to?
Nic: Amanda
Me: Then you’re not openin’ it
Nic: Oooo …. working on the corners
Me: Nic don’t!
He didn’t.
I play a game called Big Fish – been playing it for years. When you’re a hermit, you still need entertainment – and it’s a free social casino type game. Fun fun!
Anyway, I got an email a few days back saying they’d like to send me a gift.
Moi?! Ok!
Responded to email – it was legit.
Came home and opened the box – ok, Nic ended up openin’ it – and inside:
Thoughtful!
Here’s what was inside:
It was only later Nic and I had the same realization –
“Aren’t those candy apples in the news??”
We decided they meant the hard caramel/toffee kind and chocolate covered were fine.
Nic also made dinner tonight. I’m swamped with holiday miracles!
Ok – maybe the aftermath was not such a miracle – but I decided to choose my battles – be VERY grateful for the meal (it was delicious) and do the dishes for him. 😉
Afterall, ’tis the season of giving. Giving the chef a break. 🙂
Antsy & glad of it!
Oh it’s SO hard to concentrate at work! It’s quiet – and I’m alone. (I literally just echoed ‘alone, alone, alone’ in my head just for fun, I’m so in need of stimulation!)
I’ve cleaned the office, twice.
Sorted files that were already sorted.
All the while, I’m mentally checking off everything that needs to be done tonight and this weekend.
1st world problems eh?
There are such atrocities occurring right this second in the world – I should be ashamed of myself.
My biggest issue right now is hoping my key doesn’t stick in my ignition after parking at a shop.
I have a gift to pick up that arrived at the store I had it sent to. I have a project to pick up and buy frames for. Lots of ‘little’ shopping to do this weekend, and clean clean clean the house. (That time there was no echo, just repetition for effect – my house is a pig sty right now.)
I say it every year, so why should this year be different? My most favorite day is Christmas Eve!!!!!!!!!
I’m a big fan of anticipation. Looking forward to something.
‘Merry’ is still hanging in the air – hope and sparkly eyeballs are still about.
5 minutes after gathering around our little tree Christmas morning and it will be all ripped paper and disheveled bows and … over.
And yeah, I know, the gifts aren’t the ‘reason for the season’ – and I’ll spare you my anti-religion tirade. But what tops the joy of giving a token of appreciation to someone that makes time on this planet joyful– for me – is the looking forward to doing it!
Before we know it – this entire year will be scrapbook fodder.
Over. Done.
Then onto 2015.
It’s crazy. How time really DOES fly – especially the older we get.
I’m grateful for every minute – and grateful for you all and grateful for my 1st world problems.
Be careful out there this weekend if you, like me, are insanely putting yourself in the throngs of shoppers and traffic.
Holiday treats & comfort carrots?
The thing about holiday time … fun things show up!
I sent a very serious email to my bosses simply stating:
“if you show up and I’m hiccupping and covered in chocolate … it’s because I was unattended with the attached.”
A spiral ham came too – but that was addressed to me … the tower of treats and fun colored mixed drinks is for the office.
Then I got to thinking about how this is the last Christmas my son will be a teenager! And now I really want into that chocolate – and am wishing the ham would defrost, cook and plate itself with a pile of mashed potatoes and some sort of comforting vegetable.
What IS a comforting vegetable??
Not these guys for sure …
Aw … here’s one:
I could use a hug. I’ll see if I spot any produce reaching out to me with little huggy arms at the grocery store.
Mending my heart – with the boy who stole it
What a difference a day makes!
I’m feeling hopeful and positive. Even while our town is ensconced in fog – a rarity for our area.
It’s so beautiful.
I have to share with you a dream I had the other night.
In it, I was told that my heart condition could no longer be helped by the medicines I took. I was told I could be part of a group that were being ‘put to sleep’. It was explained that it was a mercy ending and did I want to participate?
I thought about it and decided it was probably the best route. I didn’t want to put my family through a sudden ugly passing. I also somehow knew if I didn’t take this opportunity, I would die alone.
The time was arranged and I told my friends.
The day of the arranged ‘end’ – I went to the clinic. There were others there, dressed comfortably and quietly entering a room.
I changed my mind.
I was told that the only way I could get out of it was to have my doctor give his permission.
I could not for the life of me (no pun intended) remember my doctor’s name! I scoured through a phone book until I finally found him. I called – and there was no answer.
It was at this time, that I should have been dead. I remember checking my Facebook and seeing that a friend had posted a tribute – it was me and a naked mole rat (yup, that little creature at the top of this page). The post had 34 likes at the time I saw it.
I was still alive, but no one knew. So … I ended up going into that room.
I felt the IV – I felt the liquid entering my body and felt myself going under. I tried to fight it – but knew it was too late. I was never to wake up.
As you can imagine, I was very grateful to wake up yesterday morning – and realized – that I needed to address what was hurting my heart.
This rift with my favorite person on the planet was now manifesting not only physically, but into nightmares.
Something had to be done – and so last night, I had a conversation with my son.
I shared my concerns and asked the questions I needed answers to.
When I opened myself up to my son, he opened back.
Honesty.
Truth.
It was wonderful.
I found a way to help him last night – and as I did, I realized not only were we solving one of his problems together, but I was getting the time I needed with him in the process.
Win win.
I typed as he dictated a late paper. I saw an area I could be of service – let him focus on the words and let my aptitude for touch typing at great speed make the task less daunting. Get it done so he could get the rest he needed.
We exchanged glances and smiles and laughed together.
“This is how it should be.” I told him. “A balance. Of school and work and relationships and fun – and us. I missed you. And you must reach out when you need help.”
(Which is funny coming from me – ask anyone who truly knows me who has tried to offer their help. I’m SO stubborn – and will only resort to accepting aid if my problem begins to affect those I love.)
I awoke at 11:30 to a sound in my room – and climbing onto my giant bed, was my boy. I suddenly had my entire little family close to me.
Butters snoring on one side, Nic finding sleep on the other. I daren’t move – my heart was smiling.
If that was the last moment of such closeness I get – I’ll hold tight to it. My boy breathing and dreaming, my dog nestled up on my pillow. I lay there and though I was tired, wanted to soak up every second of that. Until my eyes closed again and I found sleep.
And there were no nightmares last night.
Debauchery Soup 