Author Archives: debaucherysoup
An answered prayer – friends.
Boy, things can flip on a dime if you want them to and you ask them to.
Last night was a cathartic post for me – after feeling awkward as arse about being gussied up all week. But before bed, I was feeling a little down in the dumps and my usual prayers started off a little differently.
I started out with a pray for me. I asked “God, please help me”. My God is of no specific religion. He loves me. He sees into my heart and knows just what I need. Always. My Faith is in Love. That is my God. He is love. A higher power that I see in every blade of grass, every ‘weed,’ every smile, every cloud, every note of music.
Anyway. Last night I was warmed first with a comment from one of my dearest friends on my post. Then with a message from a friend of years and years ago. In 6th grade, when I first transplanted to the US, he teased me and called me an English muffin. He grew into a handsome man who has served his country, makes me laugh on Facebook with his statuses and if I’m being totally honest, if we weren’t in different States, I’d be wanting to spend time with. 😉
Today – I spoke with another friend who I worked with for years in the same industry. It was so lovely to talk to her on the phone. After the initial ‘is this really you? It doesn’t sound like you’ it was as if time hadn’t passed at all.
I came back into my office later in the day to find another friend – who I worked side by side with for 6 years. Literally. lol. Our office was small but we got along so well that it was never a bad thing. We laughed and caught up. She’d just left a salon appointment a few doors down and stopped in.
But what are the odds of that being today? I haven’t seen her in over a year.
I am SO very blessed when it comes to friends. My best friend and I email most every day – and one of my favorite people works in the real estate office next door.
Then I got to thinking on the ride home – listening to my guilty pleasure, the Mama Mia soundtrack. I recant my ‘I have never been in love’ stance in an earlier blog.
I have loved. I have loved as much as I was capable of at the time. I gave all I had.
I’m not as broken as I thought I was. I have issues – who doesn’t? I also have tons of people who love me just as I am.
The ugly truth
I’ve put this off – taking people’s feelings into consideration. But it’s time.
I felt brave this week – wearing the brighter lipstick, the eye makeup. As a rule, I only wear rice powder, light mascara a little color on my cheeks and a swipe of lipstick.
I wanted to try something different.
I even wore a beautiful large necklace on Monday – I felt like I had a neon sign over my head ‘LOOK!’
Please don’t look I was saying on the inside.
I’ve been told, and I know that by societies standards, I’m pretty. I don’t consider myself beautiful – but I had nothing to do with my genes and it is a fact, I am not ugly.
Besides not liking to wear makeup, I can’t wear necklaces with earrings at the same time and vice versa.
I can’t wear clothes that draw attention to myself. (Someone complimented me on a particular outfit – that someone was male. I haven’t worn it since).
I don’t want to be looked at for my outside appearance.
I don’t want you to tell me I’m pretty.
Pretty hasn’t served me well.
Pretty has littered my life with ugly.
I have been molested, I have been raped. Multiple times. I have been disrespected, I have been leered at.
I want my soul to be seen. My soul is pretty.
I want my mind to be seen. It is sharp and full of interesting things.
I want my deeds to be felt – my abilities recognized.
I want my heart to be heard beating – maybe that’s why I have tachycardia … maybe it’s trying extra hard?
I want to one day, be in a relationship and not cringe at a touch. To be able to be told I’m pretty and glow with appreciation.
I’ve forgiven the many men who have hurt me. I have forgiven myself for the promiscuity bred from being taught that was love.
But nurture has made more of an impression on my psyche than nature.
I will heal. I will. I have come so far.
More to me
Rough night last night. Two stubborn people in one house – no give. No goodnight hugs.
Woke up this morning determined. Deciding to have a good day.
I’ve been swiping some mascara on my lashes of late – and sporting a brighter colored lipstick to work. It’s almost embarrassing how much of a difference that apparently makes as I’ve received a lot of compliments. I don’t like it. I wanted to feel brighter – but not be looked at. Silly.
I’m a complicated chick.
I was listening this morning to Jai Ho in my car. (From the Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack). Okay, I was blasting Jai Ho and thinking – ‘there is more to me’. I’ve BEEN to Bombay (Mumbai in the movie) – I was in Goa and New Delhi and Old Delhi. I’ve experienced more in one lifetime, I can safely say, than probably 95% of the people I know.
I’ve laid eyes on the Mona Lisa (a tad disappointing … did you know it’s quite small?) I’ve gazed up at the Sistine Chapel ceiling. Breathtaking. I’ve almost been sold in Afghanistan and dined with men in Countries where females just don’t DO that.
And today – I’m driving to work in the car I worry about making payments on, in a desert I never wanted to live in, but feeling a little brighter.
The music reminded me of something odd I would do as a child.
On road trips I’d have my head leaned against the back seat window and whatever song was on the radio was my theme song. I pretended I was in a movie – it was the closing shot. My reflection – the passing scenery … My imagination has got me through a lot of things. Unwavering. A constant.
I cried at work today. I had a bad moment and felt hopeless and unvalued and discounted, and without any warning, alone staring at my monitor – I cried.
I felt bled of my color and left grey.
I came home stinging from words and washed the lipstick and mascara off of my face.
But – tomorrow is another day.
Jai Ho! (Hoping to be victorious)
“Be safe …”
Had to break a twenty on the way home from cleaning so I could pay Nic for helping me. Stopped by the Family Dollar to grab some scented laundry sprinkles.
Not much out of the cashier, she seemed to be the only one in the store. Which was nice. No one asking me up and down aisles, “Are you finding everything alright?”
I place my item on the counter and she silently rings it up.
“$5.34”
I place the twenty on the counter. No eye contact yet.
“$14.66 is your change … be safe.”
What the F%$#?
Be safe?
LOL! She looked so serious saying it too. I grabbed my little bag “Thank you” and headed for the door.
Back in the car:
Me: Had the weirdest moment
Nic: What?
Me: The lady is checking me out, well, not checkin’ me out, but you know …
Nic: Wait, was she hot? Lesbian? Just saying, could be cool
Me: No. Anyway … she says, get this, “Be safe”
Nic: So?
Me: I mean, that’s something that wouldn’t be weird to hear on New Years Eve … but …
Nic: *Silence*
Me: I mean, what does she know that I don’t? What if she’s psychic? “Be Safe ..” Did she think I was going to blow my change on booze and drugs? “Be Safe ..” That’s creepy
Nic: You think weird
Me: Yeah, I know. You do too.
Nic: (Small laugh)
Me: Next time I tell it – she’s got tears in her eyes … her hand is shaking as she’s giving me the change – she nervously looks at me and hoarsely whispers “Be safe.”
Debauchery Soup 