The ugly truth


I’ve put this off – taking people’s feelings into consideration.  But it’s time.

I felt brave this week – wearing the brighter lipstick, the eye makeup.  As a rule, I only wear rice powder, light mascara a little color on my cheeks and a swipe of lipstick.

I wanted to try something different.

I even wore a beautiful large necklace on Monday – I felt like I had a neon sign over my head ‘LOOK!’

Please don’t look  I was saying on the inside.

I’ve been told, and I know that by societies standards, I’m pretty.  I don’t consider myself beautiful – but I had nothing to do with my genes and it is a fact, I am not ugly.

Besides not liking to wear makeup, I can’t wear necklaces with earrings at the same time and vice versa.

I can’t wear clothes that draw attention to myself. (Someone complimented me on a particular outfit – that someone was male. I haven’t worn it since).

I don’t want to be looked at for my outside appearance.

I don’t want you to tell me I’m pretty.

Pretty hasn’t served me well.

Pretty has littered my life with ugly.

I have been molested, I have been raped.  Multiple times.  I have been disrespected, I have been leered at.

I want my soul to be seen.  My soul is pretty.

I want my mind to be seen.  It is sharp and full of interesting things.

I want my deeds to be felt – my abilities recognized.

I want my heart to be heard beating – maybe that’s why I have tachycardia … maybe it’s trying extra hard?

I want to one day, be in a relationship and not cringe at a touch.  To be able to be told I’m pretty and glow with appreciation.

I’ve forgiven the many men who have hurt me.  I have forgiven myself for the promiscuity bred from being taught that was love.

But nurture has made more of an impression on my psyche than nature.

I will heal.  I will.  I have come so far.





About debaucherysoup

I've traveled 4 continents, affording me experiences and adventures to last a lifetime. Most important was the exposure to other cultures, beliefs and lifestyles. I'm also mom to one of the most amazing human beings I know.

Posted on January 9, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. Amanda – You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met. You have the most beautiful mind (not in the crazy sense), heart and humor. You have survived so much and have carried on with love and dignity. You are my hero and inspiration. I hope that, once your beautiful son, Nic, has fledged, you will come back to the Monterey area where you have friends who love you.

  2. All my life I took the opposite approach to these very same personal abuse stories. I chose to display my figure, I used to dress very sexy, I designed and made most of my clothing so it highlighted my best features. I used to model. I was anorexic before it was a ‘thing’. I spent hours and hours getting ready for a night out. I think (through years of therapy) I felt it more powerful to put it all out there at my will and own it, rather than having it taken from me again. This all up to a couple years ago, had to taper out. I don’t really care any more, I focus more on my art now days. I like the thought of painting the essence of one’s soul, now THAT would be something!

  3. I tell you we do indeed share a soul, my part is chubbier and older though, you get the young energetic part! ; )

  4. This is honest and brave and you ARE pretty, in more ways than one and will be appreciated as such xx

  5. Reblogged this on MetaRead360 Small Press presents and commented:
    I so agree…the soul is the true beauty that needs to be acknowledged!

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