Author Archives: debaucherysoup
Today I’m neurotic – until I google again.
It’s official. I’m neurotic. (as I notice the hair in my eye in the above picture)
I Googled it, so it must be true. Plus, it described me to a T on the following:
- The tendency to restrict oneself, to be satisfied with very little or to remain inconspicuous: Grows out of normal need to move cautiously, delay gratification
- An insistence of self-sufficiency and independence which does not allow one to ask for help or commit to relationship: Grows out of a normal need for autonomy and self-sufficiency.
Anxiety, self-sufficiency, OCD and having to over analyze every little thing, yup, that’s me.
Good news is – it’s not a mental illness and it’s treatable. basically, ‘get over it’. Okay, so maybe they suggested therapy to help with that. But, there is hope.
Seriously everything I do, from driving beyond 5 miles in the car to being faced with something unexpected, results in a physical reaction akin to readying myself to open a can of Pillsbury dough.
I have had a reprieve from most of my anxiety, by not interacting with people outside of work. I have to push myself to do anything that involves making eye contact with others. Funny thing is though, when I am out there, I’m that kid who just waltzes up to another kid they don’t know and introduces themselves. It’s mental. Okay, I’m mental.
So before I turn into this:
Or this:
It’s time to assess myself.
I don’t think it’s a secret that my kryptonite is ‘relationships’ (of the romantic variety.) *shudder*
I’m talking, full on – fight or flight response to the THOUGHT of it. I want you in my house, but gone when I want to be alone. I want you in my life, but don’t tell me how I should be living it. I want you to find me attractive, but don’t look at me or make me feel like a piece of meat.
It’s terrible.
Seriously.
Because there is a really good chance that my neurosis in this area will end up truly leading me to my cat lady future.
This is how I see those relationship petals … nothing is black and white. Except how I want things. Those are very black and white, and don’t you bring a grey crayon anywhere near me.
I’ve found a balance that doesn’t give me panic attacks. It’s called being alone.
But recently, I’ve had my balance tilted. Thankfully, these days, when off-center, I stop to look at what is causing it. I’m a lot more open to the possibility that I (gasp) could be wrong.
I emailed my best friend and she assured me, she was not about to co-sign my bullshit. She heard me out – as she always does and about 100 emails later, I could have published my analyses as a thesis.
I think I convinced myself to some degree that I was doing the humanitarian thing by not getting involved with anyone. I KNOW I’m a mess. Who puts themselves out there knowing they’re a train wreck? I have my good qualities too – but don’t think it’s fair to subject someone to my hang ups and neuroses. I’ve hurt too many people already.
So if I’m going to even consider changing my cat lady plans – I have to start to work on myself. That’s the bottom line. Because even if Prince Charming showed up, with a box of Good and Plenty’s (my favorite) in one hand and a bouquet of flowers in the other – I’d find something wrong with him.
People keep saying, “when you meet the right guy, it will be different.” But, I really think in this case: It’s not you, it’s me is the truth of the matter.
And I’m all for truth.
And hope.
And love.
Just better be EXACTLY the way the ever-changing image of it is in my head, or else.
Predatory Lending … but with cute stickers!
It’s started. The unsolicited offers to my just turned 18, High School attending son.
Who could resist? Teens can choose from an adorable kitten sticker or how about a fun “I’m Fine How Are You?”one?
All for the low, low APR of 29.9%. But, wait! Act now and the first year is 0% APR! So you can rack up a nice bill before it changes depending on the market!
Ah – those video games you don’t have the money for right now? Don’t worry … charge it!
You’re 18 – you are now legally able to spend more than you can pay back.
Fingerhut will be stalking him next no doubt. Is Colombia House still around? Guess I’ll know when he gets a shipment of 6 CDs for a penny … with only 6 more to buy.
Get off our kids!
Today was a beautiful day
Laundry, BTK and me.
I think I must be having a growth spurt.
I have not been able to turn off my thoughts of late. My imagination is working so much overtime, its in danger of having it’s hours cut back. I can’t afford to pay it.
Here’s an example – not the most profound, but the most recent. So I’m at the laundromat (surprise!) and on the way, had to stop at the pharmacy. I go in, purchase my items – have a brief interaction with one of those cashiers that make you feel like you’ve just interrupted them, then get back in the car.
Now, I have a very acute sense of smell. I can tell you what you’re having for lunch from the scent of the microwave, I know what perfume you’re wearing and I smell a fire from miles away.
So I’m in the car … and the scent of ‘man’ washes over me. Not a bad smell … but out of place in my car. My mind races to that urban legend. You know the one, the woman stops for gas, thinks the attendant is creepy when it turns out the attendant is just trying to warn her about the real danger. The man who got into the back of her car. Yeah, I’m there in my head.
I turn around truly expecting there’s a possibility some murderer is hiding behind my seat and then … mentally thunk myself on the forehead.
The laundry.
Oh, that’s right. There IS a man in my house now. He calls me mom.
But then that thought segued. As all my thoughts do. I had watched a documentary this morning about Charlie Otero, a surviving family member of some of the BTK’s victims. Super touching. At one point, they interviewed another man, a son of a woman Rader killed.
The camera panned in to a pot belly, scratched up swollen hands, fingers grasping a cigarette in one and a can of beer in the other.
The man spoke about Rader and blamed everything on him – from his past drug abuse to his current alcoholism. He self tattooed to experience the pain that seemed to sooth. At first I felt sorry for him. I know what it is to want to hurt. Sometimes you just want to feel. Just feel. Then you surpass that and don’t want to feel anything at all.
BUT. Then I was a little mad. He was 5 when his mother was murdered. I don’t know if he had support or a healthy environment after that. He sat with the man the documentary was about and they both agreed, yes, they were a product of their environments.
But … no.
I had an internal argument with myself. On one hand, yes, traumatic events manifest in ways that are deep and permanent. On the other hand, you get to decide how the rest of your story goes.
Then I felt guilty – what if he hadn’t been given tools to cope? What if he didn’t read? We can only know what we experience. We can only experience what we explore.
THEN I get to thinking – who am I to judge this man?? Who says I get to sit on my couch and have the thought that he oughta be deciding to be happy.
There are certain sounds I hear that trigger a visceral physical reaction. Smells and textures too. My stomach will literally drop, a WHOOSH of cold spreads from the bottom of my feet up my leg and into my gut. I know that trauma manifests and leaps out at you from out of nowhere sometimes. So what makes me different from that man?
For years and years I chose NOT to be happy. Lost myself in mind numbing. Ended up only giving myself more reasons to want to be numb.
So because I had an epiphany – because I dove into healing – does that entitle me to sit on my purple couch and tut at someone who is still in the numb phase? No.
I think in this case it’s me tutting at behaviors I used to engage in. I was looking into a mirror.
So lately that’s what’s been going on. I need to learn that not everyone is on the same rung. I have far to go myself. I just need to love everyone around me and stop comparing.
Also should probably check my car before I get in it – just in case. My journey does not need a stowaway.
Spinfarm – Interview with Adam. GMO free
Move over Cameron Crowe – I’m going to interview a rocker.
Before we start, can I just say, Almost Famous (based on his experiences touring with rock bands) has one of my favorite movie scenes of all times … ah yes, the Tiny Dancer bus scene.
Of course I can say that – because this is my blog. And having said that – you should know that I don’t make a habit of interviewing bands, but, like, omg guys, I totally know the drummer. And singer. Okay, we were married. For 10 years, but only together for about 6 months.
The 10 year thing – probably a REALLY good thing, because before I quit drinking, the only reason I didn’t wake up not knowing where I was with a shiny new rock on my left hand was because I was legally married. Phew!
He is happily married with children now and throughout the years, we’ve managed to drift in and out of each others lives and stay friends.
As pathetic as I am maintaining romantic relationships, I do seem to have a knack of being a great ‘friend who’s an ex.’
Adam (AKA: mOji from the SANE days) who seriously rocks vocals and drums, is joined by Mr. X on guitar and Brendon Ghiringhelli on Bass.
(“On guitar” What does that mean? If I had a nice guitar, nobody better be ‘on’ it. Get off my guitar. Now I’m on a Spinal Tap tangent in my head and in Nigels guitar room)
But I digress (as usual)
Spinfarm headed into the recording studio last year and the result was the End Of The World Soundtrack.
You’ll see why on the cover. Those wacky Mayans – they inspire you know?
I asked Adam if I could interview him, and he graciously penciled me in. (I’m typing this intro while waiting for the diva to IM me to do the actual interview … musicians. Pfft. You know how they are.) I jest. He’s busy being a great dad, husband to his beautiful wife and working hard.
Let’s enjoy the music video for the first track from Spinfarm’s CD while we wait.
I responded to my first viewing with ‘”I feel sorry for the dog at the end” 😦 (what every musician wants to hear from someone who just viewed their artistic effort huh?) but was assured that Henry was not left behind and even has his own Facebook page.
What follows is a back and forth interview between myself and my ‘ex who’s a friend’ about rocking out and about making a CD and other ‘stuff’.
There shall be shenanigans and I’m gonna make him name drop, because he’s not only a very talented musician, but a huge fan himself and has had the rare opportunity to jam with some note worthy people.
Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.
Me: My first rock interview, I’m a little nervous. May I call you mOji or Adam or do you go by Rock God these days?
Adam: Adam. LOL
Me: I recall, a little band called Rooster Stew. Now you’re in Spinfarm. I see a rural pattern …
Adam: Interesting … My current guitarist named the band Spinfarm, but I can see your point
Me: When I google Spinfarm, it wants to correct me to ‘spin farming’. I’m afraid to click. What’s the skinny on the name?
Adam: I’m actually not 100% sure myself … lol. My guitarist likes to say Home Grown sounds with No GMO’s
Me: GMO’s?
Adam: Genetically Modified Organisms
Me: :-O I’m glad you have none of those. They’d make the music odd
Adam: Indeed … Our music is pure and from the soul. So I’ve been told
Me: Your songs always have been. We’ll just cut to the chase. I’ve given my readers some background – we have a brief history lol. I had the honor of hearing Pantomime Circus live … a lot. Are you proud of the CD version?
Adam: Yes I am. I always thought the lyrics were some of my best. But I thought the music was lacking. What my guitarist came up with and the way we build the song finally does it justice IMO
Me: I really like it – but I’m partial to the solo version. You recorded with Charlie McGovern … how amazing was it to be in the studio??
Adam: It was. Charlie is a long time childhood friend, prior band member and an amazing producer and engineer with an amazing resume. We were tight and well prepared and turned out all the music for all 10 songs in 5 hours. I did all the vocals the following day in one take.
Me: I was so excited for you. You’ve NEVER given up on your music. Hey – let’s play a game. No cheating. I’m going to throw something random (lol) at you and you give me the first words that come to mind K?
Adam: OK … shoot
Me: Boondox
Adam: China Town
Me: Peacemaker
Adam: 45
Me: lol, I knew I’d left that off. Electric Chair
Adam: Straight Jacket
Me: Pantomime Circus
Adam: Ghost Town
Me: Sunset Serenade
Adam: Spaghetti Western
Me: Take your Toll
Adam: Hmmm … Don wrote and sang that one. But I think Vampires
Me: Like Edward Cullen or Vincent Price?
Adam: Vincent Price
Me: K. Higher Low
Adam: Hmmm … Red Hot Chilli Peppers
Me: Nice! Loaded
Adam: Dive Bar
Me: and um … Satan Jam
Adam: That’s a song that our guitarist relatives used to play back in the 70’s. It’s an Ode to …
Me: Okay, phew! Then there’s a bonus track that’s a secret – I’ll be buying my copy and will then know the secret, but can we have a hint?
Adam: Baba O’Reily by The Who … lol
Me: OMG! I LOVE the version you guys do. Seriously well done.
Adam: Thank you 🙂
Me: I just sounded 14. Jeez.
Adam: TEEN BEAT flashbacks
Me: LOL. You know my entire room was plastered in hair band posters
Adam: Indeed my Crue loving friend
Me: Speaking of other artists – I was saying you’re not only a rocker, but a huge fan. You’ve had the opportunity to jam with some pretty amazing artists. Name drop please.
Adam: Love/Hate, LA Guns, Junkyard, Rhino Bucket, Blue Oyster Cult, David Lee Roth, Tesla
Me: Did David have his farm bib pant things on? That would have been apropos
Adam: He was actually wearing a Popeye type sailor suit … but badass as always.
Me: LMAO! He was my first concert. I wore a sweater and heels. Yeah … I didn’t know how to ‘concert’ then. So, when you’re playing arenas, what’s going to be in your rider? No brown M & M’s?
Adam: Hmmm … Beef Jerky, Atomic Fire Balls, lotsa Double Bubble gum and Mt Dew
Me: I knew there would be gum. 😉 What happened to fruit stripe?? Have you abandoned the zebra?
Adam: Flavor doesn’t last as long as Double Bubble. lol. But, not Zebra the band. lol
Me: True, very true. Okay, serious question. How DO you keep time on drums and sing??
Adam: As I tell my step daughter (who plays drums) Practice Practice Practice. Seriously, lots of practicing thru the years
Me: Why do you close your eyes when you sing, but have them open when you’re drumming w/out having to do a vocal?
Adam: Actually, I’ve been told recently that I do the WHITE EYES thing while I’m singing and drumming too. lol … it’s quite odd. But I disappear into the music
Me: LOL! I know those eyes. You do tend to do an early Eddie Vedder when you’re at the mic.
Adam: One of my influences
Me: I know – do you still cover Pearl Jam?
Adam: Not in Spinfarm, But I did do this a few months ago solo
The only cover we do is the Who song in Spinfarm
Me: I was going to ask if you were still doing any solo things as mOji
Adam: Just as Adam. mOji is my old Santa Cruz moniker from my days with SANE
Me: I still have the lunch box somewhere
Adam: Nice
Me: You have a lot going on this Summer – lots of gigs
Adam: Yes, we’re excited
Me: did you create all the fliers? They’re really good
Adam: Yes, I create all the fliers – book all the shows … But I really enjoy it. Connecting the dots. AND the fliers I do with ancient programs, no photoshop here
Me: Too much talent for one person Atom
Adam: LOL
Me: Dream tour … who’s on it with you?
Adam: Hmmm … lets see. Pearl Jam, Love/Hate, Janes Addiction and Ace Frehley
Me: Nice! I’d go. Can the Gin Blossoms and Dave Matthews come too?
Adam: On my acoustic solo tour lol
Me: Yes! Hey … Atom?
Adam: Yes
Me: Where’s your gum?
Adam: Right here —->
Me: lol. Did you want to add anything? Say something mind blowing?
Adam: Beware the lollipop of mediocrity – lick once and you’ll suck forever
Me: And on that … we have a wrap.
Debauchery Soup 