Blog Archives
Of True Love and Hammocks and Owls
I’ve been feeling insecure.
Mostly I think because I still want to pinch myself. “You don’t get the fairy tale!”
I’ve been vocal (or … literary) about that – to my love. And I am not proud of myself. There’s one thing about not editing yourself, you take a chance every time you expose your inner insecure hunches.
______________________________________________
Tonight, my son asked me to read a paper he’s writing on this poem.
Over my head, I see the bronze butterfly, Asleep on the black trunk, blowing like a leaf in green shadow. Down the ravine behind the empty house, The cowbells follow one another Into the distances of the afternoon. To my right, In a field of sunlight between two pines, The droppings of last year’s horses Blaze up into golden stones. I lean back, as the evening darkens and comes on. A chicken hawk floats over, looking for home. I have wasted my life.
James Wright
______________________________________________
I’ve personally always been aware of butterflies, of nature – of the beauty of life. But never expected an epiphany. And I personally think that’s what this poem is about.
So in one week, I collect my love from the airport.
I’m terrified.
Terrified because FINALLY something is SO important to me.
I’ve had important in the past … for different reasons. But as I drove home tonight, I had my Grammy’s 2003 CD in and listened to this:
I cried.
I thought about the life I built around Nic. And how he’s getting older – and changes are coming. Good changes, but changes none the less. I’ve always been terrified of change.
Nic is in college. Nic loves someone. Nic is always welcome ‘home’ but my gawd, if I didn’t have James, I don’t know what I would do. And what is more wonderful is I found a man, who understands that my boy is always welcome.
I also had forgotten about love.
True love.
The man I love, I loved a quarter of a century ago.
And finally, FINALLY, I get him.
I told his mom I would purchase cedar chips after she told me I could keep him.
So back to the poem.
Nic is writing a paper on it – and had theories to insert.
I read the poem after reading his intro.
He told me “I get my creative, writing side from you mom” (Insert heart swell moment there.)
But, the thing is – he is better.
And I was SO glad he was better!
I told him, about one of his theories, “I would never have thought of that!” And I wouldn’t have.
I love that he brings a new insight into my life.
I also love the comfortable importance of ‘the same.’
I have that.
With Nic, and with James.
We love most of the same things.
We laugh at most of the same things.
The rest is yet to be written.
Tonight, an owl alighted onto the cables outside my home.
I rushed inside for my camera! First time an owl hung out! – Wisdom alighted into view for crying out loud!
And last night, my dream dripped of new beginnings – of hope.
I love my son with my whole heart – and the crazy thing is – I’ve loved James for longer.
It’s a win-win. I get to approach this ‘new’ love with wisdom (thanks owl for visiting) and be with a love that appreciates my love for my son.
Both are endless.
And eternal.
And true.
Parenthood – or “Sucks when they love someone else”
“We can’t know what others need, so wanting for others is as futile as worrying.” – Amanda
I want my son to be happy. HIS definition of happy – not mine.
To have nothing but bright paths before him. Or at least to possess the sight to see a light at the end of a dark path.
To have a dream, a goal and no matter how hard it might be to obtain, to strive for it.
Most of all – I want someone to love him for every single thing that he is – and isn’t yet.
Like I do.
________________________________
This is a topic I’ve touched on to some degree, then backed off of – then contemplated, then touched on again.
In a nutshell – I think I’ve been very ignorant assuming my son’s maturity and toeing out of the nest affected me more than a parent with a partner.
I’ll be brutally honest here, (much to my son’s chagrin, although, he supports what I write.)
My son had a hard time growing up. He was sensitive (a good thing now) he was artistic (a good thing now) he was emotional and creative and … bullied.
To the nth degree.
“Fag!”
“Cry Baby!”
(* I called my son to ask him, what else was there? He answered “I don’t know … no, I tend to forget all that – coping mechanism and what not”)
Elementary School was no fun for my boy.
Middle School was no fun for my boy.
High School was no fun for my boy.
And I pleaded to any higher power that had my attention that he could just survive it and KNOW one day what an amazing, beautiful, talented person he was.
________________________________
One day, he met someone.
I don’t know how. I mean, I do now, but at the time I was out of that loop and needed to be.
And she loved him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For all he was! She loved my boy!
(And my boy got laid. Yeah, I’ll say it.)
I was SO glad.
(Not in a creepy way. LOL!)
Turned out it was more than a brief encounter, and he has loved this girl since.
I couldn’t be happier for the loyalty he exhibits. Truly.
It’s been almost 2 years now (In April – yes, I remember. It matters to Nic, it matters to me.)
I truly hope they found their ‘one’ in one another.
But I also couldn’t be sadder for the boundaries he doesn’t have and the concessions he makes.
I’ll leave that there – because I know I’ve had a lot of relationships that my mom has not approved of – that I’ve let her down – that I’ve hurt her with who I loved.
I’m not saying Nic is doing this – I’m saying … I know that we have to make mistakes.
And I hope that the person Nic is with, he gets to grow WITH and make mistakes WITH and not be perpetual ‘relationship’ kryptonite like me.
I reached out to some friends for their insight.
Not about Nic – but about being the center of someone’s world for a couple of decades – and then … just not being that.
There’s a mourning that goes on you know?
Or maybe you don’t – and that’s why I’m writing this piece.
________________________________
Imagine being married to someone for 20 years. Taking care of them, laughing with them, sharing experiences and memories and private jokes – sharing firsts together. Learning together.
Then suddenly they’re doing those things with another person and every night you spent worrying, every day you spent doing your best for a better life for the two of you – done. Not done. But … the way things used to be is done.
As it should be.
As my friend Betty said:
“Honestly it is one of the hardest things I had to deal with (letting the kids go) but I had to look at all the good I gave them to be able to survive that cliff. (and pray) You know what, it’s a lot harder on us than them. It’s an adventure to them.”
Doesn’t make it any easier on the one at home still completely in love with their kid huh?
Guess that’s why moms and dads never stop being moms and dads. And we won’t appreciate, nor realize it, until WE are parents.
I asked my friend Sandy (She was my cheerleading squad leader) how it was for her … being with her High School love and all, I figured, they’d be at peace with it:
When Mikey finally decided to date he was 17 he just fell head over hills for the girl and her Dad 3 months in their relationship got a great job opportunity to be a construction site director for Trump towers in Las Vegas. Bad news he asked if Mikey would come with them .
Okay I hope I did not ramble too much and I relayed that although it is life altering, it is natural to feel all that you are feeling. But you know you will always be their first girlfriend.
________________________________
I think there’s a part of me that still feels like I have a say in his life because I’m supporting him. “Live under my roof, under my rules” sort of thing – that I HATE! Ug.
My parents charged me rent. I decided not to do that. I wanted Nic to focus on school, not work. And that was the first of the dominos to fall with his relationship.
I knew what he was capable of.
I knew that focusing on two things at once with any sort of success (Keeping in mind, my kid is fucking smart! But has NO time management) was NOT going to happen.
Encouragement from his loves side of the camp arrived at ‘work’.
I resented that.
I resented that – because while I knew he SHOULD be working, I wanted him to FOCUS on college. And was willing to support him.
Then came ‘the contract’.
I don’t have a cell phone. My son does. And it costs about $70 more per month than I have for such a thing. Turns out, his loves family put him on their family plan. But …. um … he lives with me? And $70 is a LARGE amount of money and he had other things coming up? How about insurance for a car? Helping with everyday things?
How about maybe, just maybe, asking the person he lived with about it?
Thus the divide began to divide some more. He has obligations outside of the house that he cannot begin to obligate himself to. And anyone that KNEW him, would know this.
I wanted him (refer to top) to focus on getting a degree. Not making a payment.
Then I think of all I ‘sacrificed’ (lol, you’re suppose to DO that! Kids come first) – Nic came first, most of his life – and why do I expect the same from a 19-year-old???
And I assumed, in return, a mutual necessity for success.
Unrealistic.
As for his love – I have to make the not so crazy leap, that she may be the mother of my grandchildren. And here I am, not so crazy about her.
And I know it’s partly because I don’t want my son loving someone more than me – and how selfish and sick is that??????????
She’s smart, pretty – loves animals. She focuses on her education, excels, loves my boy.
What’s not to love?
I won’t be cruel here – but bottom line, I don’t think it’s healthy when one person is dominant in any relationship.
What I HAVE learned, in my 45 years is that a partnership is a partnership. Compromise – no put downs – no making someone feel less than.
I may not be capable of having such a relationship, but I know what one is. (that sounded seriously Forrest Gumpy to me lol)
Hey. Hey you with the toddler … Pick ’em up. Give them a big ginormous hug from me and know that time fly’s SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fast, you won’t believe it. And one day – you will not be their “Up! Up!”
Holiday treats & comfort carrots?
The thing about holiday time … fun things show up!
I sent a very serious email to my bosses simply stating:
“if you show up and I’m hiccupping and covered in chocolate … it’s because I was unattended with the attached.”
A spiral ham came too – but that was addressed to me … the tower of treats and fun colored mixed drinks is for the office.
Then I got to thinking about how this is the last Christmas my son will be a teenager! And now I really want into that chocolate – and am wishing the ham would defrost, cook and plate itself with a pile of mashed potatoes and some sort of comforting vegetable.
What IS a comforting vegetable??
Not these guys for sure …
Aw … here’s one:
I could use a hug. I’ll see if I spot any produce reaching out to me with little huggy arms at the grocery store.
Mending my heart – with the boy who stole it
What a difference a day makes!
I’m feeling hopeful and positive. Even while our town is ensconced in fog – a rarity for our area.
It’s so beautiful.
I have to share with you a dream I had the other night.
In it, I was told that my heart condition could no longer be helped by the medicines I took. I was told I could be part of a group that were being ‘put to sleep’. It was explained that it was a mercy ending and did I want to participate?
I thought about it and decided it was probably the best route. I didn’t want to put my family through a sudden ugly passing. I also somehow knew if I didn’t take this opportunity, I would die alone.
The time was arranged and I told my friends.
The day of the arranged ‘end’ – I went to the clinic. There were others there, dressed comfortably and quietly entering a room.
I changed my mind.
I was told that the only way I could get out of it was to have my doctor give his permission.
I could not for the life of me (no pun intended) remember my doctor’s name! I scoured through a phone book until I finally found him. I called – and there was no answer.
It was at this time, that I should have been dead. I remember checking my Facebook and seeing that a friend had posted a tribute – it was me and a naked mole rat (yup, that little creature at the top of this page). The post had 34 likes at the time I saw it.
I was still alive, but no one knew. So … I ended up going into that room.
I felt the IV – I felt the liquid entering my body and felt myself going under. I tried to fight it – but knew it was too late. I was never to wake up.
As you can imagine, I was very grateful to wake up yesterday morning – and realized – that I needed to address what was hurting my heart.
This rift with my favorite person on the planet was now manifesting not only physically, but into nightmares.
Something had to be done – and so last night, I had a conversation with my son.
I shared my concerns and asked the questions I needed answers to.
When I opened myself up to my son, he opened back.
Honesty.
Truth.
It was wonderful.
I found a way to help him last night – and as I did, I realized not only were we solving one of his problems together, but I was getting the time I needed with him in the process.
Win win.
I typed as he dictated a late paper. I saw an area I could be of service – let him focus on the words and let my aptitude for touch typing at great speed make the task less daunting. Get it done so he could get the rest he needed.
We exchanged glances and smiles and laughed together.
“This is how it should be.” I told him. “A balance. Of school and work and relationships and fun – and us. I missed you. And you must reach out when you need help.”
(Which is funny coming from me – ask anyone who truly knows me who has tried to offer their help. I’m SO stubborn – and will only resort to accepting aid if my problem begins to affect those I love.)
I awoke at 11:30 to a sound in my room – and climbing onto my giant bed, was my boy. I suddenly had my entire little family close to me.
Butters snoring on one side, Nic finding sleep on the other. I daren’t move – my heart was smiling.
If that was the last moment of such closeness I get – I’ll hold tight to it. My boy breathing and dreaming, my dog nestled up on my pillow. I lay there and though I was tired, wanted to soak up every second of that. Until my eyes closed again and I found sleep.
And there were no nightmares last night.
Now that my hands are smaller …
“Even when my hand is bigger than your hand, I’ll still hold it” he once told me.
Things are strained between my son and I, and I’m uncertain of what to do.
“You’re afraid that he won’t like you.” One friend said.
Yeah.
Yeah I am.
That little boy who reached out with his tiny hands, “Up!”
That little boy who fell asleep on my chest – as I stroked his impossibly blonde hair out of his eyes.
The boy I played games with.
The boy I wanted to please with every ounce of my heart.
I didn’t want him to lose out – feel different. Having only me.
The young man who only 2 years ago turned and waved as he walked up the dirt road to the school bus stop.
The young man who would tell me everything that hurt him – share his hopes and dreams.
Of course I want him to like me.
But it feels like it’s all gone.
I blinked and became redundant.
__________________________________________________
His priorities are askew – not focusing on school nor work – he is not following the house rules which are only a few.
It was so long ago that I was ‘momma’.
I barely see him now.
I don’t hear what is hurting him.
I don’t know anymore what his hopes are – or dreams.
“Why is he treating me this way? I made sure to do everything different. Do everything right.”
I lamented to a fellow mom yesterday.
“I remember being so excited to run home with a craft I made at school to show my mom, I remember it being so important to me to find just the right present for her at Christmas time. He has never really been that way toward me.”
“Maybe you were too nice” she said.
And it dawned on me, that in overcompensating, maybe my son never had to feel like he needed to earn my love or approval.
I mean, of COURSE he never had to earn my love but you know what I mean.
I still find myself wanting my mom to be proud of me. Even at 45. I make something, or accomplish something noteworthy, the first person I want to show it to – is her.
“Like me! Like me!” My inner child always seeking approval.
I always let my son know he was my favorite person on the planet. Is that where I went wrong?
Should I have spanked him? Not played video games with him? Not snuck him out of school (when his grades were good) for a fun rare day playing hooky?
Should I have not been so candid about life as he grew?
__________________________________________________
Being mom and dad was a weird line to straddle. From baseball to condoms – driving lessons to shaving – I taught it all.
I tried not to yell, to forgive quickly. Knowing that if anything ever happened to him, I would regret every sour word.
But in doing that – I clearly did not instill any healthy fear. I did not gain respect and have not been taken seriously.
And every day – my “Up!” boy is slipping away.
And his hands are so much bigger than mine – and so far from holding.
Debauchery Soup 