I’ve been feeling insecure.
Mostly I think because I still want to pinch myself. “You don’t get the fairy tale!”
I’ve been vocal (or … literary) about that – to my love. And I am not proud of myself. There’s one thing about not editing yourself, you take a chance every time you expose your inner insecure hunches.
Tonight, my son asked me to read a paper he’s writing on this poem.
Over my head, I see the bronze butterfly, Asleep on the black trunk, blowing like a leaf in green shadow. Down the ravine behind the empty house, The cowbells follow one another Into the distances of the afternoon. To my right, In a field of sunlight between two pines, The droppings of last year’s horses Blaze up into golden stones. I lean back, as the evening darkens and comes on. A chicken hawk floats over, looking for home. I have wasted my life.
I’ve personally always been aware of butterflies, of nature – of the beauty of life. But never expected an epiphany. And I personally think that’s what this poem is about.
So in one week, I collect my love from the airport.
Terrified because FINALLY something is SO important to me.
I’ve had important in the past … for different reasons. But as I drove home tonight, I had my Grammy’s 2003 CD in and listened to this:
I thought about the life I built around Nic. And how he’s getting older – and changes are coming. Good changes, but changes none the less. I’ve always been terrified of change.
Nic is in college. Nic loves someone. Nic is always welcome ‘home’ but my gawd, if I didn’t have James, I don’t know what I would do. And what is more wonderful is I found a man, who understands that my boy is always welcome.
I also had forgotten about love.
The man I love, I loved a quarter of a century ago.
And finally, FINALLY, I get him.
I told his mom I would purchase cedar chips after she told me I could keep him.
So back to the poem.
Nic is writing a paper on it – and had theories to insert.
I read the poem after reading his intro.
He told me “I get my creative, writing side from you mom” (Insert heart swell moment there.)
But, the thing is – he is better.
And I was SO glad he was better!
I told him, about one of his theories, “I would never have thought of that!” And I wouldn’t have.
I love that he brings a new insight into my life.
I also love the comfortable importance of ‘the same.’
I have that.
With Nic, and with James.
We love most of the same things.
We laugh at most of the same things.
The rest is yet to be written.
Tonight, an owl alighted onto the cables outside my home.
I rushed inside for my camera! First time an owl hung out! – Wisdom alighted into view for crying out loud!
And last night, my dream dripped of new beginnings – of hope.
I love my son with my whole heart – and the crazy thing is – I’ve loved James for longer.
It’s a win-win. I get to approach this ‘new’ love with wisdom (thanks owl for visiting) and be with a love that appreciates my love for my son.
Both are endless.