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“Dear God”
I have the Sarah McLachlan song going through my head having typed the subject. I’m singing in my head ‘… hope you got the letter and I pray you can make it better down here.” I do that. Everything tangents off into a song for me, or song prompts a movie. But that’s not what this is about.
I woke up last night thinking about prayer.
My prayers have changed.
I brush my teeth, I hit my knees and I bow my head and say ‘Hi’. Always I say ‘Thank you’. But what used to be a laundry list of requests and specifics has become one phrase I say every night. “God bless all those in my heart, on my mind and in the world”. Then I’ll toss in ‘and God bless Butters’ because she’s usually staring at me inches away waiting for her bedtime ‘cookie’.
Why do we pray?
I crack up sometimes wondering if we really believe God hasn’t noticed some one or some situation needs his attention. And if he does need that pointing out, then clearly he’s not powerful enough to do anything about it!
But he doesn’t need us pointing anything out does he. He’s not off busy doing something and not aware that someone is tugging at his shirt waiting for their prayer to be answered.
Infinite.
As for: “Oh, he has far more important things to worry about”. Maybe when we say that we’re realizing perhaps this ‘thing’ that we’re worried about isn’t so earth shattering. But I’m pretty sure whatever God you pray to can multi-task.
In my opinion, Prayer is for us. A realignment. Focusing our energy toward others or a goal. Experiencing humility.
I draw power from sending out light and love to others. I stay grateful telling a power greater than me ‘Thank You’. And I know that prayers are answered. So I’ll keep doing it.
Root beer float and peach pie love
Hadn’t felt well last night – my heart learned a new trick last night and was showing it off. I held tight to my 40-year-old bear ‘Teddy’ and slept. This morning, it was still demonstrating its new trick. ‘Tug, kick, gurgle – repeat’.
As I’ve mentioned before, I have a heart condition. I take 3 different medications and just really sort of deal with it. However, when a new symptom presents – it is a little creepy, considering my existing issues.
I debated just riding it out, I have no health insurance. But I know that if something was seriously wrong and preventable, I would KICK myself for worrying about money over my life.
So, this morning I ran an errand – came home, told Nic I was going to the hospital and went to the emergency room.
I can’t even count how many EKG’s, IV’s or X-rays I’ve had at this point. I’m pretty well versed in the procedures. The nurse was amazing. We discussed books (I had brought my nook along) she was kind and warm.
My actual arm – don’t think for one minute I wasn’t already thinking about sharing my day with you lol.
Waiting for my blood and X-ray results, they brought a roommate in. This gentleman was in fact having a heart attack. He had come in the night before and they wanted to admit him, but he had to work so he had left. Bonkers! (But, probably I would have done the same – what is WRONG with us??).
They worked diligently on him. I had tears in my eyes hearing how brave he was trying to sound and knowing how scared he must have been. He went to ICU.
Fast forward to my release. I was told I needed to rest, relax and to see my cardiologist in a couple of days. Felt so blessed to be walking out – and hoped with every fiber of my being that my roommate would be OK.
I came home, feeling bruised and tired. Went grocery shopping – sent my son out for some quick food and lay on the couch. Sleep found me.
What I awoke to, in a fog – was my son presenting me with a root beer float. 🙂 That thing didn’t stand a chance.
It tasted of love.
There was a smell in the air too – he was cooking a peach pie.
How blessed am I?? Seriously. I am so very grateful for every single day. For the love I have in my life, and for every beat of my imperfect heart.
Puffy parking lot pigeons and pantries
There’s a zing in the air! No, really – this time of year, you’re prone in this neck of the woods (or desert) to get shocked every time you touch your car, open a metal door or make contact with a shelf in a store. But I digress. There’s a zing in the air!!
My sons gift is on layaway! I won’t say what it is because I still delude myself into believing he’s interested enough from time to time to read my blog. I’m pretty sure the only time he does, is when I make him so I can hear what it sounds like from a readers point of view.
Anyway. I left the store and noticed all the pigeons finding shelter from the wind under cars. Adorable. All puffed up like they were courting. I would have taken a photo of my personal car pigeon, but I forgot to turn the alarm off before I opened the trunk. Needless to say my photo-op left.
Here’s one courtesy of the web – is this where I say I don’t own any rights to the pigeon photo? Because I don’t. (What’s the penalty for ‘borrowing’ an image? I do it a lot).
I also came home with a pantry organizer. It hangs over the back of the pantry door. If the dog was capable of laughing, she’d probably already be snickering at the fact that I think I can build this thing.
ALMOST came home with a chocolate advent calendar. It was on sale. The picture on it was so cheery and holiday-ish, it fit my mood. I left it at the grocery store, I figured I might be pushing that chocolate a little having it sit waiting for its little doors and windows to be opened for over a month.
As I left the store, and after I filled the car up with gas – I was fit to burst with happiness. I figured it out. What makes me happy. Being able to provide the necessities for the people in my life and to spread a little joy. I was so excited to bring the groceries in, and believe me, I KNOW how fortunate I am. So very grateful to be able to afford food and gas. And I love that I notice the pigeons trying to stay warm.
I get you little car pigeon – I’m a nester too. 🙂
The ‘ever after’ hair.
I remember when I was pregnant reading books and getting advice about newborns. What to do if a baby is unhappy, uncomfortable or crying – check if it’s hungry, wet, tired etc. and someone told me, ‘it could be as simple as a hair wrapped around its toe’.
Holy cow, I thought, that’s going to be hard to find!
I’m a little off lately, and I’m looking for the source.
Spiritual hair in place. Gratitude hair combed. Not hungry, not wet – a little tired.
What IS it then??
I’ve grown so much in the past few years and have never felt more comfortable in my skin. But something is amiss.
Thought maybe it was a need for companionship, but after watching ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ last night I was reminded that wasn’t it when Julia Roberts uttered the same words that I did almost three years ago. “I don’t want to be married”.
OK, so is it financial worries? No, not really. Money comes and goes. I have enough and know what’s important. Certainly not ‘things’. I have shelter and food. I’m good.
My friend cup is over flowing, so it’s not that either.
I think a little part of me feels stagnant. Every day is wonderful, don’t get me wrong – but I do feel like I’m really not going anywhere.
I used to think it wasn’t OK to look toward the future – I had to stay in the moment. I know I don’t want to be in the desert, working full-time and living paycheck to paycheck if I’m blessed to make it to old age, so really I probably should look ahead.
I have to put faith into action and dream a little. Where do I want to be in 5 years? 10? It’s not just going to magically happen.
I think that’s my hair. I will be alone in a few years and am not sure how to achieve my ‘ever after’.
My son will be living his life and enjoying his young adulthood (God willing) – and for once, I’m going to have to address my needs. I’m really not used to doing that and to be honest, I’m uncomfortable putting myself first.
I still have time to think about that – but my happy ending clock is ticking. I’d better figure out how I want my story to end because it’s not going to write itself!
Blessings in disguise?
It’s been quite a week. After my son had an accident last night in my new-to-me car I stayed calm. He was OK. Thank God. Car, not so much.
I got to thinking, in a brief moment of pity, why is it that some people who don’t appear to be kind, that don’t appear to be of service and that don’t appear to be grateful, end up with wealth and success etc.
Then I reminded myself to keep my eyes on my own paper. Money does not bring happiness. And I have no idea if those people are actually happy.
Who is to say that this added financial burden and temporary worry about transportation (the car is undriveable) is NOT a blessing?
What if … what if he was meant to be hurt in the incident, but was not. What if this accident was meant to scare him enough to avoid a possible event in the future?
Hmmm.
I like that.
I never get upset when I’m ‘stuck’ behind someone on the road. Perhaps I’m not meant to be 10 seconds ahead of where I am. If I forget something in the house, and end up leaving later than I meant to, who’s to say that didn’t save my life?
You never know.
When adversity hits – my blessings come crawling out of the woodwork. I had flowers on my desk this morning, a friend brought me to work and another friend took me home.
I am wealthy. Because I have an abundance of people who are amazing in my life.
I am successful. Because I have healthy relationships, a positive attitude and a life I appreciate.
No current problem I have is insurmountable. There are many, many souls on this Earth right now enduring horrific suffering with seemingly no way out.
So who would I be to sit in pity because I’m making car payments on a vehicle I can’t currently drive – or because the already thinly stretched house budget will probably be stretched transparent when my insurance goes up? Who would I be to not be grateful for what I DO have.
I don’t want to know. I am glad to be me.
Debauchery Soup 