Category Archives: Motherhood
Musings from the Laundromat: Procrastination, Days Off and Laundry Lady Cold Shoulder edition.
I took some ‘mental health’ days from work.
I needed to decompress, give myself an attitude adjustment and also go through my son’s room.
Day 1 consisted mostly of watching everything I wanted to see on Netflix. Plus, grocery shopping.
I actually cooked a meal, peeked in on the chaos that is my son’s room and slowly backed out.
It’s so hard to get motivated to begin when you’re not sure just where TO begin. If you’ve ever seen an episode of Hoarders, you might know where I’m coming from. Ok, it’s not THAT bad – but pretty overwhelming.
So Netflix won me back.
Rewind – so, while I was at the grocery store I ran into laundry lady. We chatted for a moment and went our separate ways.
Then, I happened to be in line behind her and her roommate and not a word was shared.
I felt a little hurt. After all, 6 years of 52 weeks seeing her and tipping her and bonding … and no shopping line chatter.
Rare photo of Laundry Lady
I had more of a conversation with the little old lady behind me that I did with my Sunday blog muse.
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I finished Saving Grace. Started the Santa Clarita Diet, finished that. Watched David Brent, Life on the Road and Finding Dory.
Felt guilty for all of that so yesterday cleaned.
I made a tiny dent in my main project (3 garbage bags later) and focused on the house to get my mind off of some of the sentimental items I’d found in ‘the’ room.
It’s still not done. But, I have today and tomorrow off still.
Not sure how much I’ll accomplish, but I will gird my loins and delve in again.
I asked Nic what he wanted to keep, he said to get rid of everything.
I don’t think he realizes some of the things he left behind.
Besides, this is the mom who saved every card he ever gave me, so, no, I’m not tossing things. Except obvious trash.
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It’s also been raining, although, not nearly as much as it has been on the central coast. The devastating photos being shared by my friends in Monterey, Santa Cruz and Carmel are insane!
But, enough that it puts me in ‘just wanna be comfy and relax’ mode. That certainly doesn’t fuel me with the energy to purge and sort through a lifetime.
Excuses, excuses.
But, this is why I needed those mental health days.
The task has been weighing on me, and I can’t stand to know something is needing to be done and hasn’t been.
The OCD in me may win out the lethargy.
We’ll see.
Musings from the laundromat: Shorts, Stores & Sunday Playoffs edition.
There’s much I should or could be talking about today – but having pulled up to the laundromat to see Glaucoma Man in shorts erased any social or political commentary from my mind.
It’s in the 40’s for crying out loud!
He’s in his 80’s.
Me: Why are you in shorts?!
Him: Keeps me movin’!
Me: Well, at least your shirt is Packer colored.
Not long after that he started bouncing on his feet as we all stood outside waiting for the laundromat to open.
Him: It’s too cold for this!
Me: Shoulda worn pants.
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Laundry Lady isn’t here today (thus the late opening), she traded her shift at the last minute with the manager.
It’s odd, not only being here without my usual banter with her, but today for the first time in over six years I only have MY laundry with me.
Only had to use one machine.
See, I am beginning to notice the benefits of the empty nest.
I’m still struggling with missing him of course.
And, it’s hard to shop without him due to my anxiety. But, it sure helps me get in and out of the stores quickly. OK, so, usually without 1/2 the items I came in needing, but I’m working on that.
Getting braver. I just avoid eye contact and try not to stray too far away from the customer restroom.
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Other than that – it IS Packer day!
I’ll be comfy And surrounded by snacks ready for a repeat of last weeks game hopefully! I love it when it’s close and some amazing plays are made. By BOTH teams, not just mine.
Not much fun winning if it’s a total blow out. Better to come out triumphant having played a worthy adversary in my opinion.
Of course, I’ll be ‘playing’ from the couch not the field. But, even that roller coaster ride can be exhausting. I think I do my part. Swearing, gasping, cheering. Hey, I’m a team player, what can I say?
You’re welcome Green Bay, you’re welcome.
And then he was gone …
Me: you’re leaving? But wait …
*takes picture*
Me: I love you so much
Nic: May Neptune watch over your soul
Me: what?
Nic: May Neptune watch over your soul
Me: (internally) Wtf?
Me: (out loud) ok (followed by massive sobs and ugly crying noises)
Nic: bye for now
It all happened too quickly. Can I get a do over? Please.
(My status on Friday, the 6th of January.)
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I knew it was going to hurt. I had no clue how much.
Considering the state of me the day before, work told me to please take the day if needed. I knew as I arrived home Thursday that it would be needed.
To pull closer to your home, only to see your child’s car surrounded by cases and ‘I’m going away’ items well, let’s just say I was sobbing by the time I had put the car into neutral and pulled my emergency brake.
This was it.
The last night.
I walked, wet cheeked, into a home I had shared with him since High School.
Suitcases and vacuum sealed bags lay about the living room and kitchen. His bedroom littered with debris from a lifetime together.
This was really happening.
I stood, purse in hand – unable to stop the tears.
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The following morning was a blur.
After watching him drive off – I entered the house (no longer feeling like a home) and broke.
Into a thousand pieces.
I cried myself to sleep.
I woke.
I cried some more.
I finally found the strength to enter ‘his room’.
And wished I hadn’t.
I grabbed a pillow abandoned on his unmade bed. Inhaled deeply and returned to bed with it. I clutched it so tightly.
And slept again.
In between the crying and the sleeping was the worrying – he was after all, embarking on a 27 hour trip across country.
Physically navigating terrain he’d never navigated before.
Just as I was emotionally.
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It’s been 5 days since he left.
My dog, Butters has been out of sorts.
I’ve been trying to be ‘chipper’ at work. Albeit, quite unsuccessfully on Monday. I had made it through the entire day – catching up, slammed.
I was crunching year-end numbers just as I was informed the copy machine was acting up.
“I can only focus on one thing … I’ll call the copy people in a minute.”
A boss responded, “No, finish what you’re doing, don’t worry.”
And, out of my mouth?
“But if I don’t call now, Nic won’t come!!”
Our copy guy’s name is Christian.
Freudian slip led to tears.
They continued to fall as I stayed a little late and got everything done while everyone trod about me on eggshells.
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Another jarring moment was yesterday. Nic had told me he would send photographs of where he was (having, obviously, safely arrived at his destination.)
I followed up and his response was:
“I haven’t been home yet. Lol I’ve. Been out all day”
Ouch.
Wasn’t ready for that sentence.
Home.
His home.
Not ‘our’ home.
And I’m going to have to get used to that.
I’m told repeatedly by people with the best intentions that his flight from the nest is a testament to my successful raising of him.
But I’m still trying to accept that. And, it’s hard. And it hurts.
However, I’m also very proud of him for taking such a ginormous step and embarking on a new chapter of his life.
For following his heart (literally, he left to be with his girlfriend of over three years.)
For bravely starting from scratch in a place he’s only visited a couple of times, and accepting the challenge to ‘adult’.
I’ll always be here for him.
I’ll always miss him.
And perhaps most importantly, always love him enough to let go.
Year end Review … 2016
First of all, HELLO! Finally got triple A batteries for my keyboard so I can reach out and post!
Well, well, well. After 2015 I was so certain of my future. I would be eaten by my abundance of cats and alone in pajamas.
This is why I’m glad I have a dog … Although, Butters would probably eat me too.
Not that I should worry so much about that anymore. 2016 brought someone very unexpected into my life.
We started out chatting I knew OF him since 6th grade but we weren’t in the same ‘clique’
That was then – this is now:
As a result of falling for this person, I overcame a HUGE fear. FLYING.
Bonkers, because I have flown so many times … mostly to and from England.
I was not afraid then.
It just got to a point where I was TERRIFIED of flying.
But, I needed to see Dante.
AND! I did it. Not once, not twice, but three times!!!!!!!! That’s 6 flights in 2016! I DID IT!
Started out in the aisle, kept my eyes on the air attendants. If they didn’t look panicky, I had no need to be. The other thing that helped me, that I think will help you? Once you’re going a certain “MPH” it’s like being in ‘Jello’ in the sky. Jello! Keep saying that to yourself. No, you’re not going to ever ‘fall out of the sky’.
OK, so I found love. I found hope.
BUT!
My kidlet is still leaving.
My baby.
You have your favorite person that you count on?
That’s been my kid for 21 years.
I haven’t even had a relationship longer than 5 years. My relationship with my son is THE ONE.
We have the same sense of humor, but he’s taken it to another level. He has talents I’ll never have. And not once, NOT ONCE has he made me feel ‘lacking’. Ever.
We can talk about anything. Always have.
Here’s the thing.
He’s moving so far away! To Kentucky. And the trip will be a treacherous one with snow, ice and other things he’s not had to navigate through.
Yes, I know the only way to learn how to do something is to DO it … but, there’s so much riding on such a long trip. I’m very scared. Not that I doubt his abilities, but such a drive with so much on the line … and other people on the road whose abilities I don’t know or trust. Bottom line – I’ll be holding my breath for 3 days. Thinking of nothing but him and waiting to hear his voice safely stopped for the night.
I have to accept that he’s making his decisions and I will never stop being afraid of them.
Then, last but clearly not least, those we lost this year … My beautiful Nannie and Tiny the cat.
I am now at that age also when friends and loved ones are receiving bad health news.
It barely felt like Christmas this year – I had very little joy in my heart. With so much change in the forecast.
I no longer care about ‘getting’ anything. I have too much! Too much ‘stuff” If I’m being honest, my favorite gift this year was a card. A card. From my guy. My second favorite, a ‘promise ring’. We’re taking things slowly.
It may just stay like this. Apart – but knowing someone in the world loves us.
I hope Nic feels that when we’re apart too.
I’ll always hold him tightly in my heart – while he spreads his wings and explores life as an adult.
Of Cords – Extension and Umbilical
My current status …
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoLBXtTMyO8
I’ve been pretty, um, I want to say ’emotional’ but, truth be told I’ve been a completely withdrawn, passive aggressive bitch. Not just to my son.
It’s as if I want people not to like me so that it will be easy to wean myself off of them.
There’s four pretty significant things getting me down lately – but I’ll just speak on this one.
How to drive home January 6th 2017, not see my son’s car outside of our home and not completely shatter.
Let me clarify again, I am very happy for him. I am very proud that he’s leaping headfirst into the world. I am terrified of his 27 hour trek across the States however.
And fuck! I’m going to miss my kid!!!!!!!
He is the only person I know or have ever met that can make me laugh every single day! The only person I can be completely myself around and be certain I’ll be loved.
Obviously my bitchy depressed mode hasn’t gone unnoticed by him.
Evidenced by, not only my attitude, but the fact that in spite of hosting Thanksgiving this year, I hadn’t one shred of Christmas up.
I’m usually the eager Christmas beaver, wanting to festoon my home as soon as it is socially acceptable. Not this year. I had no joy. No excitement. I also spent the whole 4 1/2 days, other than Thanksgiving day, in my room.
This past Sunday, after the laundromat, I shrugged back into my pajamas and settled in to continue my very important 4 day activity … being horizontal while attending my Netflix pity party binge.
In walks my son.
Him: Let’s go to Oatman for lunch. My treat.
Me: I don’t want to go to Oatman. I was going to take a nap.
Him: OK, I’m going to get ready, then we’ll go to Oatman.
Me: Nic … I really don’t want to go anywhere.
Him: OK, we’ll go to the Hualapai’s instead.
Me: No! That’s too far!
Him: OK, Oatman it is.
He left. And I lay with remote in hand – 3 day old pajamas and a body awash in guilt.
The countdown has begun for the end of this chapter with my favorite person. And I have been pushing him away instead of making each moment count.
I got up.
Ran a brush through my hair.
Swiped my eyelashes with mascara – colored my pale lips.
Dressed warmly – the gray skies were threatening to water our desert.
And found him.
And off we went.
And the moment we began driving my spirits lifted. I was already laughing before we reached our highway.
We encountered a burro blockage as we approached our destination.
Burro was not budging.
The closer we came to Oatman, the more the burros. Here was our escort.
We parked and sauntered into the town we’ve spent so much time together.
Stopped in all the old familiar places. Enjoyed the warmth of an old fireplace as we ate lunch.
And then …
And then it occurred to me this might be the last time we did so together … alone.
My heart ached.
And as if on cue, as my eyes welled, the skies opened – and we walked in the rain. Unfazed by it. We have that in common – our love for the rain.
We took our time heading for the car.
Took our time driving.
Stopped. Enjoyed more time in the rain.
I can honestly say the day ranked up there … one of the top 10 days I’ve ever spent with my baby. My ‘baby’ who has become man enough to understand and to put up with my mood swings. Man enough to know that I needed that nudge.
I put our small tree up.
I’ve yet to find an extension cord in order to light it, but it’s a significant beginning.
And as for my sweet son and his upcoming departure? His significant beginning? I’m learning there’s no need for the cord that once joined us.
He’ll continue to make me laugh – from afar.
He won’t stop loving me nor I him.
It will be a slow process for me – learning how to live in a home he no longer shares with me.
And it will be an exciting and strengthening process for him … learning how to ‘adult’ and not having to share a home with me.
Debauchery Soup 