Category Archives: Motherhood
Graduation
I drove away from the event center last night where my son had just graduated, alone.
I had a Gwen Stefani CD in the CD player and I felt a shift as the coin of acceptance dropped and I belted out “Ain’t no Hollaback Girl” along with Gwen.
Everything felt just … right.
Nic left the event with his girlfriend, my parents left together and I left with a smile on my face.
I have been so scared of the rapid changes in the dynamics of my relationship with Nic this past year! I needn’t have been.
Here I was worrying about where I would fit in his life. Here (Literally right here) I was worrying whether or not I’d done enough for him – done the right things by him.
Then, in the parking lot right after graduation, he picked my mom up in a hug and then shook my dads hand, and POOF! The worry dissipated.
I mentally dusted my hands with a ‘well, that’s-that then’ resolve, and a peace settled in.
It was sort of like hearing your little one say “thank you” without being prompted for the first time, or seeing them hold the door open for someone (Okay, I still feel a surge of pride when he does those things.)
In a single moment, I glimpsed Nic, the young man, and I was simultaneously proud of him and awash with an odd sensation of freedom. Freedom from worry.
When I got home, (after uploading a bazillion photos to my ipad and managing to blow my icloud memory out of the sky) I had a little time alone to reflect.
And in reflecting I was SO grateful!
I thought about all the people who had a hand, directly or indirectly, in raising my son with me.
Yes, I’m a single mom, but a whole slew of people have been instrumental in the successful rearing of my child. (And now I’m cracking up thinking of the quote from ‘Knocked Up’: Jay: I’m going to be there to rear your child. Jason: You hear that, Ben? Don’t let him near the kid, he wants to rear your child!)
I was completely filled with appreciation and memories. Gratitude and love.
I wanted to thank every single person individually. There are people who don’t even realize how much of an impact they had on my journey as a mom.
So I try to tell people who touch my life that they have. I try to remember to thank and acknowledge the people I love, the people who love me back – and the people who love Nic.
And in that moment, when Nic had my mother in his arms – and my dads hand in his – I knew he was doing the same thing.
Pomp and indifference
“Are you scared?”
“No.”
“Are you excited?”
“Indifferent.”
“Well, maybe when you’re sitting there in your robe, and the music is playing – then it will hit you?”
That was the conversation I had with my son this morning, as he relaxed on the couch before rehearsal.
I gazed over at him – I don’t think it’s completely sunk in for me either. The magnitude of tonight.
Indifferent.
I know that’s not how I’m feeling about it. And I don’t think he will either when all is said and done.
We had a little hiccup this morning. I was sure he was to be at the event center at 7 am for rehearsal and then from there, over to his Senior Breakfast. I woke him at 6 (relishing the fact that I got to do it one more time) and sent him out the door at 6:30 ish.
Somewhere between coffee and taking the night-time braid out of my hair, the phone rang.
“Are you sure it’s here?”
“Yeah – the event center.”
“No one else is here? The parking lot is empty.”
“Hold on …” I stepped over to the desk, to the index card I had scrawled the dates and times “Oh.” (nervous ‘we’ll laugh about this later giggle’) “It’s 8, not 7.”
“I got up early for this? I’ll be right home.”
Oops.
Wanted to turn it around “Hey! You’re an ‘adult’ now, remember your own times.” Wanted to, but not enough to do it.
If I can just be his bad time-keeper for a little while longer, I’ll take it.
Should have gone to the laundromat …
It’s laundry day – and I’m not doing it.
The job I usually do Saturday night isn’t getting done until tonight either. It’s a topsy-turvey weekend.
And now there’s a palpable bad energy in the air that I’m trying to ignore for the sake of salvaging the last few hours of the weekend.
First I was up really early (there’s no such thing as sleeping in on the weekend for me.) After lounging and drinking coffee and being unable to switch the channel from some awful political show – I leaped into action.
Got the Fabuloso out (Love that stuff!) and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned. Scrubbed the kitchen, washed the floor – dusted the living room w/in an inch of it’s life.
Nic got up and we decided we were hungry. Seemed only Burger King would do. Now, during this discussion, as I stood in the kitchen in my pajamas, smelling of cleaning product, the phone rang.
My friend/heart-I-keep-out-of-the-jar man called on his way to the beach. And did I want to facetime when he got there? Yeah I wanted to see the beach, yeah I wanted to talk to him – but I’m standing there in the kitchen and multi-tasking and remembering I’m in my PJ’s with no make-up on and trying to remember if I’ve even brushed my teeth yet.
Facetime offer might as well have been a ‘Hey, I’m in the neighborhood and I’ll be by in 5 minutes.’
Clearly, all the uncertainty came through into my voice and so that didn’t go well. 
Nic goes to Burger King. Returns with a burger and onion rings for me – note to self: Don’t eat a sloppy burger propped up on an elbow again.
Now I’m definitely not Facetime material – ketchup slopped on my t-shirt.
It gets better. My son asks if his girlfriend can come over.
Seriously guys, I am not in ‘company’ mode. Not in person, not online – I want the couch. I want to know I have 4 hours of uninterrupted relaxation time and to feel comfortable in my ketchup splattered top!
I said no.
WWIII. Okay, not that bad, but the vibes began.
Then a death was discovered.
Nic’s hermit crab, Atlas, vacated his shell and was stuck in his climbing wall. If Nic wasn’t mourning, I might have had a more vocal reaction to him prying the crab out of that wall with my tongs!
Crab is now buried.
I’ve explained why I don’t want anyone over to my pouting son – and I’m now on the couch completely flipping unable to relax.
Anger/sadness/frustration are SO contagious! I’m trying not to catch them. Which, usually means I make everyone feel better and accept responsibility just so there can be peace.
Really should have gone to the laundromat. Then I would have been dressed for Facetime, Nic’s company could have come over and no one would be pissy.
RIP Atlas … One of us should get to.
Checking accounts and cupcakes
Gawd. One minute you’re waxing poetic about your child entering a new phase in their life, then you come home from work to him draped over his girlfriend on the couch.
Earlier, he stopped by my place of employment after school and we ended up going to the bank to open a checking account for him. You KNOW I regretted not having my camera on me. Another milestone for the scrapbook. Two major events … in one day. How much more could a future-cat-lady mom handle?
On my way home I popped into the store for dog food and got him a ceremonial cupcake to honor his big day. 🙂
(I figured I’d do the big cake thing on Tuesday, when he dons his cap and gown.)
He proceeded to find said cupcake. “For me??” I grinned, “Yes, for the last day of school.” I was feeling all warm and fuzzy at the joy in his little eyes.
My heart swelled as he reached for a knife and cut it in half. Awwwwwwww!
Then scurried off to share it with his lady.
Pfffft.
It’s all happening so fast!!! Checking accounts, girlfriends – not sharing cake with me!
So I’m alone with the dog – and it’s Friday night … Okay, if I’m being honest, the dog isn’t even that interested in hanging out with me. Probably she knows I’m a future cat lady and is mulling that prospect over.
So anyway, I’m getting yet another glimpse of my Life After Child. Lac. Very close to Lack. Coincidence? I think not.
I suddenly live with an adult who is out of school.
Holy cow.
And I’m posting stupid ecards on Facebook in between vacuuming and wondering whether or not to put my pajamas on yet.
I don’t know how ‘Amanda’ yet.
It occurs to me, this is going to be a transition for us both. Me, learning how to pull myself from his gravity field, and him … learning I still want to be offered half a cupcake.
Keep calm (mom) and graduate …
Today is the last day of High School for my son.
The last day I shuffled to his room holding breakfast in one hand and flicking his light on with the other.
The last day I turned off his fan, turned off his alarm clock and called his name.
“Nic … wake up.”
I don’t know what I was expecting. I feel everything like I’m reading either a hilarious or very touching Hallmark card when it comes to my son.
I left him as I normally do – blinking and squinting at the light. Propping himself up on his elbow and less than enthusiastically working the spoon.
Then I make coffee – and peer in to his room from the kitchen to be sure he didn’t lay back down and close his eyes.
Like most parents, I’ve taken a photo of Nic on each ‘First Day of School’ through the years. This morning was bittersweet as I coerced him into some ‘Last Day of School’ photos.
I wanted the half hour that we sit together, watching the news in the living room, to last forever.
The clock wasn’t magically participating in my desire to prolong the moment – time was not slowing. Pffft.
He grabbed his items – I followed him out to the porch. Watched as he unlocked the car, opened the door. I recorded his exit – like the annoying photog I can be.
Then he drove away.
Just like that.
I sat with my coffee thinking back. What else will I never do again?
I’ll never argue with him about calling in sick. I’ll never write another excuse note or permission slip. I’ll never attend another open house – or meet his teachers. (Unless I bump into a college professor, hopefully!)
I’ll never shop for uniform tops again or have to dig for lunch money on Monday mornings. Never again hear his principal on Sundays announcing the upcoming week’s school events. No more school pictures, tripping over his backpack, registering for a new year, nagging him about homework or listening to him share his day …
I tried to find a silver lining – and the only thing I could think of is: I won’t have to set my alarm for 6 am anymore.
Who knows what’s next. Hopefully I’ll have raised enough money for him to go to the UK in July – then … it’s his call.
Gulp.
I remember being SO excited when school was ending – then having a sobering moment of ‘Oh … wait. This is REAL.’
I don’t know if he’s had that thought yet.
But when he does, I’ll be here for him. And I’ll support him in whatever step he wants to take.
Debauchery Soup 