Category Archives: Love
An honest conversation.
You would think today I would have an opinion of a certain party and an inauguration.
I do, of course, but, it’s not foremost in my mind.
My mind is endlessly thinking of a woman I love.
The woman I connected with and understand.
The woman fighting stage 4 cancer.
Thing is … As much as I don’t edit myself with people, I don’t with her either.
When she was well, she never co-signed my bullshit. And I SO appreciated that!
Got to talk to her tonight.
I think she finds it refreshing. No platitudes. Just “So, what the heck? What do they say?” No “I’m praying for you.”
But I am.
To the God I don’t believe in.
I do like to keep it real and then SHE gets to keep it real with ME!
I get the full Monty, no editing.
And I get to ask again the questions other people avoid.
I love her too much not to know.
I love her too much not to be myself, and walk on eggshells. ‘Healthy her’ would HATE that!
Don’t get me wrong, I have bawled my eyeballs right out … Put them back in and ‘Amanda’d’ up!
Because, while I can be honest, and handle her honesty, I still have a very sick friend and it tears me up inside.
Next time I’m in line at the bank and people are bitching, I’ll say, not my usual, but “You realize, I have a friend that can’t even STAND UP and would give ANYTHING to be waiting in this fucking line!”
Don’t doubt it.
I’ll do it!
And then he was gone …
Me: you’re leaving? But wait …
*takes picture*
Me: I love you so much
Nic: May Neptune watch over your soul
Me: what?
Nic: May Neptune watch over your soul
Me: (internally) Wtf?
Me: (out loud) ok (followed by massive sobs and ugly crying noises)
Nic: bye for now
It all happened too quickly. Can I get a do over? Please.
(My status on Friday, the 6th of January.)
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I knew it was going to hurt. I had no clue how much.
Considering the state of me the day before, work told me to please take the day if needed. I knew as I arrived home Thursday that it would be needed.
To pull closer to your home, only to see your child’s car surrounded by cases and ‘I’m going away’ items well, let’s just say I was sobbing by the time I had put the car into neutral and pulled my emergency brake.
This was it.
The last night.
I walked, wet cheeked, into a home I had shared with him since High School.
Suitcases and vacuum sealed bags lay about the living room and kitchen. His bedroom littered with debris from a lifetime together.
This was really happening.
I stood, purse in hand – unable to stop the tears.
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The following morning was a blur.
After watching him drive off – I entered the house (no longer feeling like a home) and broke.
Into a thousand pieces.
I cried myself to sleep.
I woke.
I cried some more.
I finally found the strength to enter ‘his room’.
And wished I hadn’t.
I grabbed a pillow abandoned on his unmade bed. Inhaled deeply and returned to bed with it. I clutched it so tightly.
And slept again.
In between the crying and the sleeping was the worrying – he was after all, embarking on a 27 hour trip across country.
Physically navigating terrain he’d never navigated before.
Just as I was emotionally.
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It’s been 5 days since he left.
My dog, Butters has been out of sorts.
I’ve been trying to be ‘chipper’ at work. Albeit, quite unsuccessfully on Monday. I had made it through the entire day – catching up, slammed.
I was crunching year-end numbers just as I was informed the copy machine was acting up.
“I can only focus on one thing … I’ll call the copy people in a minute.”
A boss responded, “No, finish what you’re doing, don’t worry.”
And, out of my mouth?
“But if I don’t call now, Nic won’t come!!”
Our copy guy’s name is Christian.
Freudian slip led to tears.
They continued to fall as I stayed a little late and got everything done while everyone trod about me on eggshells.
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Another jarring moment was yesterday. Nic had told me he would send photographs of where he was (having, obviously, safely arrived at his destination.)
I followed up and his response was:
“I haven’t been home yet. Lol I’ve. Been out all day”
Ouch.
Wasn’t ready for that sentence.
Home.
His home.
Not ‘our’ home.
And I’m going to have to get used to that.
I’m told repeatedly by people with the best intentions that his flight from the nest is a testament to my successful raising of him.
But I’m still trying to accept that. And, it’s hard. And it hurts.
However, I’m also very proud of him for taking such a ginormous step and embarking on a new chapter of his life.
For following his heart (literally, he left to be with his girlfriend of over three years.)
For bravely starting from scratch in a place he’s only visited a couple of times, and accepting the challenge to ‘adult’.
I’ll always be here for him.
I’ll always miss him.
And perhaps most importantly, always love him enough to let go.
Year end Review … 2016
First of all, HELLO! Finally got triple A batteries for my keyboard so I can reach out and post!
Well, well, well. After 2015 I was so certain of my future. I would be eaten by my abundance of cats and alone in pajamas.
This is why I’m glad I have a dog … Although, Butters would probably eat me too.
Not that I should worry so much about that anymore. 2016 brought someone very unexpected into my life.
We started out chatting I knew OF him since 6th grade but we weren’t in the same ‘clique’
That was then – this is now:
As a result of falling for this person, I overcame a HUGE fear. FLYING.
Bonkers, because I have flown so many times … mostly to and from England.
I was not afraid then.
It just got to a point where I was TERRIFIED of flying.
But, I needed to see Dante.
AND! I did it. Not once, not twice, but three times!!!!!!!! That’s 6 flights in 2016! I DID IT!
Started out in the aisle, kept my eyes on the air attendants. If they didn’t look panicky, I had no need to be. The other thing that helped me, that I think will help you? Once you’re going a certain “MPH” it’s like being in ‘Jello’ in the sky. Jello! Keep saying that to yourself. No, you’re not going to ever ‘fall out of the sky’.
OK, so I found love. I found hope.
BUT!
My kidlet is still leaving.
My baby.
You have your favorite person that you count on?
That’s been my kid for 21 years.
I haven’t even had a relationship longer than 5 years. My relationship with my son is THE ONE.
We have the same sense of humor, but he’s taken it to another level. He has talents I’ll never have. And not once, NOT ONCE has he made me feel ‘lacking’. Ever.
We can talk about anything. Always have.
Here’s the thing.
He’s moving so far away! To Kentucky. And the trip will be a treacherous one with snow, ice and other things he’s not had to navigate through.
Yes, I know the only way to learn how to do something is to DO it … but, there’s so much riding on such a long trip. I’m very scared. Not that I doubt his abilities, but such a drive with so much on the line … and other people on the road whose abilities I don’t know or trust. Bottom line – I’ll be holding my breath for 3 days. Thinking of nothing but him and waiting to hear his voice safely stopped for the night.
I have to accept that he’s making his decisions and I will never stop being afraid of them.
Then, last but clearly not least, those we lost this year … My beautiful Nannie and Tiny the cat.
I am now at that age also when friends and loved ones are receiving bad health news.
It barely felt like Christmas this year – I had very little joy in my heart. With so much change in the forecast.
I no longer care about ‘getting’ anything. I have too much! Too much ‘stuff” If I’m being honest, my favorite gift this year was a card. A card. From my guy. My second favorite, a ‘promise ring’. We’re taking things slowly.
It may just stay like this. Apart – but knowing someone in the world loves us.
I hope Nic feels that when we’re apart too.
I’ll always hold him tightly in my heart – while he spreads his wings and explores life as an adult.
Time, screams and empathy vs lethargy.
When I heard the agonizing scream from outside to the table I sat notarizing documents upon, I knew something horrific had happened.
Then I heard the second “NO!!!!!”
I could barely focus – immediately the empath in me had eyes watering and vision blurred.
I absolutely felt the sorrow.
I had just seen the gentleman last week. And when I say ‘Gentleman’ I mean that truly.
This was a happy, loving, GIVING person. Fortunate due to the effort he’d put into his life and … suddenly gone at 56 and alone in his chair when he did so. His wife was here waiting for his arrival when she got the news. He passed alone.
He wasn’t sick. He had plans, as we do. But, time doesn’t factor that in for us does it?
A long time client and very dear friend to two of my bosses.
Today was filled with tears because, when someone I love is hurting, I FEEL their pain in a visceral way.
Also, I had experienced this person so recently and knew what kindness and generosity he shared.
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I found myself questioning again ‘The Higher Power’s’ choices.
One of my dearest friends started chemo today.
I’m ashamed to say, a fact I found out later in the day after receiving no response from her.
I was sick last week – and isn’t it silly that I didn’t want to visit her in my condition considering hers? But, I didn’t want her immune system compromised for her impending procedure.
The woman who has given of herself and loved the helpless and hopeless.
Why not the pedophiles?? Why not the evil at heart???? WHY???? Why the good ones? And don’t come back at me with ‘He has a plan.’
What plan would any father have to subject his smallest, youngest children to cancer? To famine? To fear and war?
None I say.
I’m a little bitter right now if you haven’t noticed.
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As we wept, I considered the fact that the two most affected already have a plan.
They want to spend the rest of their days together. Retired.
And I’ve been looking at my life too.
What do I want for myself?
Nothing material, that’s for sure.
But with every ‘spell’ every ‘bad day’ physically, I find myself contemplating my last days.
And bottom line is:
Preciousness of the time I have remaining.
It could be gone in a minute.
Then I remember what is important.
I always do.
People. Service. LOVE. Loving others. Friends, family, strangers.
Not cars or clothes or cash.
It’s never been those things for me. And I’m grateful I’ve always had that attitude.
But I DO ask myself is:
THAT is what is important.
So, if my last day on the planet is tomorrow – I hope I’ve fulfilled that last one at least!
Debauchery Soup 