Category Archives: Gratitude
Musings from the Laundromat: A Full Heart and Fridge edition
It was so lovely and quiet here this morning – and my laundry lady is back!
Then other patrons started filing in. Now there’s a hum and buzz and a chatter.
I did at least have a few moments alone with my laundry lady – able to ask about her health and tell her I had missed her. She said in her absence, (she’d been filling in for other people due to a shortage in staff) that she had told the people working her usual Sunday to be sure to have coffee made for me.
How sweet is that?
Yesterday I was extremely busy. Ended up going to bed at 8 p.m. on a Saturday night exhausted. The only thing I didn’t get accomplished? My room and bath of course.
The rest of the house is spotless and the fridge is full.

I actually teared up at one point. I had put all the groceries away and in between cleaning, I was also cooking.

Then it dawned on me.
Where am I going to fit these finished dishes???
And it was such a “1st world problem” and such a wonderful puzzle – because I knew with my whole heart what that meant.

I had a bounty. I was blessed with amazing food and a home in which to cook it. I didn’t even mind cleaning. Because that meant I had a shelter.
This morning I sure am feeling the labor of yesterday though. Tired and aching. In a good way.
When I’m finished here – I’ll be going home to pack. I’m house sitting today and tonight, which means my bedroom and bath won’t get done again, but I will get some time with my parent’s cats and of course, the pup Meesha.
Guess that also means I won’t be attending the Oscars 😉 I’ll just leave my ball gown on the hanger and send my apologies to the academy.
Happy Sunday everyone! Hope your fridges are full and your hearts are peaceful.
Musings from the laundromat: Panic and the Past edition.
“You’re not in danger … try to breathe with me. I’m proud of you – you’re going to come through this.”
Those were the words I listened to as I struggled to my knees and bent over the couch, clutching at it as air snatching fear hit me wave after wave. My heart pounding – on the verge of fainting. Mouthing “please, please, please” to some power greater than me. “Please – no.”
My vision blurred in and out. My arm tingled. Palms sweat.
“It’s going to be ok.”
And, nearly an hour after it had begun, it was okay.
That was my panic attack yesterday. They come out of the blue. This one in particular while I was merely laying on the couch watching a television show.
The one who talked me through it? The one who held my hand and stayed calm when I could not? My son.

I know all the tips mentioned above by heart – but ironically, since I do also have a very real heart condition, these ‘spells’ as we refer to them in my home are exacerbated by that knowledge. It’s hard to tell yourself ‘everything is going to be ok’ when at the same time, your brain is saying, ‘but what if this time it’s not?’
I was exhausted and grateful. And slept, after finally being able to assume a horizontal position again. The thing about panic attacks, your whole body gets the equivalent of ‘restless leg syndrome’ and staying put only amplifies the experience. Rocking helps if you can’t get up and walk. And if you’re feeling dizzy, pacing probably isn’t the best idea.
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I know why this one occurred however. I had stayed up far too late spending time with … My past. We’ll leave it at that.
Got up at my usual time yesterday morning and woke Nic. We went to run errands. Oil change (that turned out I didn’t need) a car wash that I wasn’t able to have as they were having electrical issues. Then lunch with Nic.
That was the good part.
I love spending time with him.

We had so much more on the agenda – but after lunch, neither of us felt up to continuing.
We came home and resolved to finish our errands today.
The house was pretty clean and that’s when I decided to catch up on a few recorded shows.
AND that’s when it hit.
I tried to ride it out, realized this was a big one and managed to reach my iPad and send Nic a message asking him to come and sit with me.
And I want to thank him for going above and beyond. And caring so much.
As for my past – I’m going to leave it there.
I’m going to stay in the moment and seek healthy, positive and calm things.
No, I’m not always negative – I just purge (Pretty sure that keeps me positive)
Completely smitten with all you kittens that read my blog this weekend. Thank you.
But, I don’t want you thinking I’m always dark.
I’m the girl who will crack up out of nowhere remembering something funny.
I’m the girl who comes home and is SO grateful for everything I have, as modest as it is, and also grateful for everything I don’t have.
I was gob smacked when I arrived home tonight to a package by the gate.



It was from a dear friend who somehow still likes me.
I have been selfish. I have.
Or – I have not had the funds/energy/right mind to reciprocate.
And yet, my friends still love me.
I seriously don’t know why.
I sit worrying about EVERYTHING. Health care, a lasting job, ‘enough’, the ‘unforeseeable’, life in general. And I’ll tell you, everything I’ve worried about so far, HAS come true. Am I projecting? Or am I just sensible?
Butters’ injury – saw that coming.
And now my teeth hurt – saw that coming.
Lacking in funds for emergencies – KNEW that was coming lol.
And yet, every morning, I wake and am SO glad that I did.
Because I know there are thousands, no, millions of people who would give anything to have MY problems.
I love my life.
I ADORE my life.
I try to stay in the moment – then get caught up in ‘what if’s’
Ridiculous no?
But sensible – yes.
So, I’m a sensible pessimist. LOL!
I know what cards life has already dealt me and when things were tough, I DID fight through. To the point that my son told me “I don’t worry about you, because you survive.”
I wish he knew how much that took – and at what price.
But – that gift today. Oh my. Someone still thinking of me and loving me? I needed that.
And I love you ‘elf Ann’
Musings from the Laundromat: Limping Manatee and a Surrogate Angel edition
Laundry lady has bronchitis – but is here anyway. It is SO humid inside this building today. I feel like I’m breathing in water. That can’t be good for bronchitis right? Or is it the opposite? I can’t remember and I’m the Queen of Bronchitis.
Outside it’s grey and cold. I debated putting off the trip when I woke shivering this morning.
I had slept fitfully. Tossing and turning and looking at the clock.
I had arranged for a friend to take my mum some lunch and a smile from me. A surrogate to bring a little sunshine to what is a dreary routine day for my vigilant and loving mum.
Every time I woke, I looked at the clock trying in my sleepy state to do the math to figure out what time it was in England. Felt like a bittersweet Christmas Eve.
THANK YOU to that friend by the way. I think I can use her first name without her minding. Theresa and I went to primary school together. And, she just happens to be married to the brother of my first love. Crazy how things turn out eh?
So now I’m here. I decided it wasn’t going to get any warmer from the looks of it and would be nice to get everything done and relax for the remainder of my last day off.
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In other news, Butters, the cowardly manatee, injured herself.

She started having difficulties getting around about a week and a half ago? I thought perhaps it was the shift in the weather. It’s been cold, windy and rainy in our desert. On some days colder than the East Coast! I did the math, realized we’ve had the pleasure of her company for almost 5 years and she was certainly no pup when she found us.
But then she started to noticeably limp.
I checked her legs – she didn’t cry out.
Checked her paws and pads for those evil rams heads that inevitably find our feet at least once a week.

Nope. Nothing.
Then I had a small panic.
I couldn’t afford to take her to the vet – and lamented this on Facebook.
Someone mentioned ‘Care Credit’ which I applied for the very next day and qualified for. Made an appointment and yesterday afternoon we were off to the vet.
I make that sound pretty smooth right?
Um – no.
Butters on leash, realized we were exiting ‘the gate’ AND we were headed to the car and proceeded to freak OUT.
I got her in the back seat then she upped her freak out a notch. Her excitement had me blocking the back seat with part of my arm whilst trying to change gears with the same arm. (Well, the hand attached to the same arm – you know what I mean.) So, I’m elbowing the divide between us and making cooing sounds until we arrived.
Now she realizes where she is and is immediately overcome with sensory overload.
Hyperventilating began. As did excited shaking. And wind passing. And panting. And it was 20 minutes of this fun mode until we were put into a room.

For some reason, she also managed to shed more??? I kid you not, there was hair EVERYWHERE. I kept petting her, it kept coming. I mean, she worked herself up so much she was losing her hair. Lol.
At this point, I’m thinking the vet is going to assume I brought her in for an exorcism.
She was a trooper for the staff. (Okay, I did have to get on the scale with her to get her weight, but other than that and trying to sit on the thermometer while inserted, she did very well.)
The vet examined the offending leg. OH! I should point out that the vet only knew which leg to examine after watching videos of her limping that I had taken the night before.
Because, the minute we got there, guess who was no longer limping? Ding! Ding! Ding! You win.
Yup, Butters, in her adrenaline pumped state – suddenly had no signs of an issue. Other than mental.
Her range of motion was amazing (better than mine actually) – and other than a few joint pops as the vet pulled and bent and prodded, he concluded she had just over extended or sprained the leg. (Not surprising since she thinks she’s super dog every time she fly’s off the porch in pursuit of a rabbit or car.)
She has anti-inflmmatories to take and is meant to chill out for 6 days.
Didn’t end up having to use the Care Credit as no X-Ray was taken. If she isn’t improving in the coming week though, that’s the next step.
So it’s been quite a week.
Nic and I spent the rest of the evening gorging ourselves on Chinese food (courtesy of a gift certificate I received for Christmas) and watching a movie together.
Butters limped around the house as if nothing note worthy had happened that day.
Which is good, because I think she’s right pawed, and it would be difficult to write in her little diary if she had thought it worth noting.
Shrugging ‘hope’ and holding onto positive
I had it all planned out.
My post was to be about ‘hope’. About how that’s how I’m feeling, hopeful.
Then I thought … Much as I used to use ‘anxious’ incorrectly (as a positive, i.e.: “I’m anxious about the party!” Thinking it meant a nervous excitement) I should probably look up ‘Hope.’
This is how I used to feel about it.

Then I read this:

I like the intransitive verb, but when I got to ‘expectation’ I faltered in my wanting to use ‘hope’ to define my current feeling. I ‘expect’ nothing. Nothing.
I also don’t wish to ‘obtain’ unless it’s good traits or good deeds. I DO cherish things – but not desires. I know the difference between ‘wanting’ and ‘needing’. I mean, we could dictionary the hell out of this word, but the bottom line, ‘hope’ lost it’s luster with me. So I was done there.
I sat, I pondered, I considered and then I looked up and took this photo instead. It’s a painting I did a few years ago and I love it so much. No, it’s not gallery worthy, lol, but it made me so … Happy!!!
And so, when I noticed the bird cage that hangs in my bedroom reflecting in the frame – I was then ecstatic!
By now, if you’re a follower, you know my affections for inanimate objects run a tad on the OCD side – so the cage door is ALWAYS left open.

I asked myself, how does this painting make you feel?
And I came up with … ‘Positive.’ Not in the ‘sure’ kind of way. Let’s go back to Merriam Webster shall we? (Yeah, we’re goin’ there.)

Yes! I want to feel ‘good’ I want to feel ‘useful’ I want to see good qualities in everyone. And I usually do. So, despite people who have called me pessimistic, nah, I’m not. I’m a realist. Who was almost homeless, who was almost dead – who has been through things I haven’t shared with the closest to me.
But today – I feel POSITIVE!
And I’m going to grab that, and keep that, and hold it tight.
Like a photo I never got to take, but know I saw.
THAT is how I see happy, and positive.
I can’t prove it to you, yet. But, in 2016 my words will convince you I have.



