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lantern son
Me: But you’re the light of my life!
Nic: maybe you need to find more lanterns.
And I’m losing him, in my needing.
And I’ve lost him in my antiquated metaphors.
and I love him beyond the lanterns.
Rushing into it? 25 years and counting.
32 is my favorite number. (My Nannies old address)
Being ‘next’ is my favorite place to be. (Anticipation)
31 is the day I’m getting married – with my love waiting for me in his moms gazebo.
30 was the table I sat at last night – without him.
I was having a very ‘I miss my love’ day yesterday. I mean, I do everyday, but it was extra palpable yesterday. Visceral.
Had a Chamber of Commerce event last night. A couple came over to our company’s table, newly engaged … there were congratulations and smiles – she flashed her ginormous engagement ring and I remember thinking, ‘HOW is she going to do laundry without snagging something on that??’ lol. I’m not into the ‘bling’. It was pretty, but – I prefer sentimental and subtle.
But, I have to admit, I felt – (while happy for them) so … left out of that celebration. Don’t get me wrong. When Jim posted our engagement on Facebook, so many important people offered their love, their pleased shock and their joy for Jim.
A few offered their congratulations to both of us. That was sweet, and meant so much. I was just so happy people were happy for HIM!
Truly.
I awoke this morning, after my unedited admission of missing my love, to amazing words from him.
He gave me joy, patience and once again, confirmations for the reasons I love him.
Then this:
And his words that accompanied it:
“Found it, after weeks! 1990 and still current.”
That was not my undoing – the ensuing comments were.
“It’s been a long crazy 25 year voyage babe! Bless you for finding me, and never giving up after two plus decades.”
Then:
“Jim. This brings tears to my eyes. Great sketch of your bride to be.” (From a family friend, who will be our wedding photographer.)
Then my son chimes in:
“That’s amazing!”
Jim: No, You’re amazing!
Nic: No, my baby goblin (that’s a D & D reference) and you are amazing!
Jim: Pickles! Now!!!
I was laughing and had tears in my eyes at the same time. Those dorks are my favorite people.
And I get to marry the man who drew the picture I didn’t know was me.
See HERE
Click on that, then come back.
Here’s the deal.
I have loved. As much as I was capable of loving.
I did not know, however, that I was capable of loving someone THIS much.
I’m 45. I’ll be 46 in May and I found my true love – who was 25 years away.
(Yes, dammit, I’m aware I’ve unintentionally rhymed a whole lot lol)
When Jim and I had our week – it was nothing like anything I’ve experienced.
It was comfort – serenity. I didn’t bite my nails – I didn’t feel like I had to constantly be DOING or BEING. I just … was.
And I was a better me.
A happier me.
And my son adored him and that made it the most special time.
Moms, if your kids don’t dig your guy … run! Run SO fast!
But he’s not a kid anymore. It’s March (the longest month that will EVER be for me lol – Jim arrives in April)
Nic will turn 20 this month.
My baby is growing.
I’ve grown too.
I was so jaded – I forgot the feelings of true love.
I’ve mended my bridges with my sons love – pretty sure she’s the mother of my future grandchildren, and, as I told her – ‘expect them to be total nerds. I will feed them cookies and Star Wars’.
Because I get it now.
It took my son falling in ‘true’ love for me to learn how.
And it took my first love, to come back and show me who.
And for that, I’m so grateful.
I love you Jim. And I’m so proud to be your bride.
A letter to my mom
I get it.
After years of not understanding, I get it.
When my son fell in love – it was so painful, and all I wanted was it for to be the RIGHT person.
This past Christmas, you gave me a card that read:
‘Daughter, Even though you’re all grown up, there’s a part of me that wishes I could give you want you want most at Christmas. But I know it’s not as simple as a doll or bicycle anymore. You have hopes and dreams of your own – things I’m sure you carry in your heart with the word ‘someday’. And though I can’t give you those things myself, I hold them in my heart too. And I’m always hoping you’ll have whatever makes you feel happy, fulfilled, and loved.. Because that’s exactly what you deserve.”
I cried reading it.
You put a lot of attention into cards. I know this because it’s how we’ve always been. I keep EVERY SINGLE CARD!
It takes me forever in the card aisle – I’m bawling or laughing and spending way too much time.
Let’s cut this to the chase.
Mom.
I’ve cried wolf a bunch of times.
Every time I’ve said “I’m in love” I know you’ve cringed.
I know it because internally, I was cringing too.
I, for a while, was in love with the idea of being in love.
You knew it.
I knew it.
We played that game.
But I grew.
And I finally fell in love with myself – and became a great mom in the process.
There was one person I could not get out of my head.
James.
Never.
Never did he leave my thoughts.
We had everything in common but I was young and dumb. (As you know.)
I had countries to explore, mistakes to make – relationships to one day compare ours to.
You’re the mom who will bury someone who hurts me up to their head in sand and plant honey and ants around them. lol.
He will never hurt me.
I guess what I need you to know is, I fell in love with an old best friend.
And I finally found someone who I know my son loves.
Your grandson.
And knowing how much you love him is important to me.
He loves you that much back.
You were a second mom to him – and we couldn’t have made it without you. At all.
Coming home from work, and you rocking him to sleep to that Irish lullaby – priceless.
And I thank you.
And I love you.
And I appreciate you.
And I adore you.
I think of our time in England, when you did everything you could – made me dresses, saved up for birthday dolls – and struggled – and I love you SO much for all of that.
So I hope you’ll believe with my clear and understanding and appreciative eyes, that I now know what love is.
Finally.
And no, he’s not a doctor or a lawyer. lol.
He is the man I truly love.
Always have.
And I know you’ll appreciate that.
He’s an artist.
Like you.
And he’s funny. And beautiful. And tough. And does what it takes to make it.
I respect that.
I can’t love someone I don’t respect.
But you’re just like him. An artist, and funny, and beautiful. And tough. And have always done what it takes to make it.
We made it.
And your card came true.
I love you mom. x
Last Christmas?
Last Christmas?
I’ve spoken of this before – the inevitable severing of all that has been constant and comfortable and traditional.
My boy is in love. My boy will be turning 20 in a few months.
My boy is movin’ on from me.
We spent the first holiday apart this year on Thanksgiving.
I try to remember how it felt when I was 19 and in love. It was amazing – and I was full of hope and so sure they were my ‘forever’ partner.
All I thought about was the person I was ‘in love with’ when I was in my early twenties.
And that’s nature folks.
We split away from our family and venture off to experience life on our own and ‘go forth and multiply’.
I think it has to be a little easier to come to terms with this when you have a partner that remains?
I don’t know that to be true, because I am not in that situation.
I can tell you what it feels like for me.
As a single parent – having spent the last 19 years with one person. A person once so tiny and dependent – a person who grew before my eyes and in my heart.
I’m going to say it: It hurts that I’m not the love of his life anymore.
And I know that’s silly, and I know that’s selfish – but it’s how I feel.
He’s been bringing gifts home for a couple of months now, for his girlfriend. Planning and carefully choosing what he knows she’ll love.
I love that he’s so thoughtful.
But I feel like so suddenly, I was pushed aside.
And it’s normal!
And it’s natural!
And it’s necessary!
AND IT SUCKS!!
The best I can hope for going forward is to be included in some way in his life.
I’m never going to be #1 again. That’s just a fact.
When he’s hurting, physically or emotionally, he’ll be turning to his love for comfort.
When he has exciting news to share, I won’t be the first to hear it.
I try to put a positive spin on things … like, maybe I had something to do with how much love he has to offer someone.
Maybe I showed him how to treat someone he cares for?
But in all truthfulness – the main feeling I’m having is that I miss him. Because even when we’re together at home, we’re not.
His thoughts are elsewhere.
Even when we’re spending time together we’re not, because he’s responding to the ‘BING!’ of an instant message.
In so many ways he’s already gone. Even if we do still share the same roof some of the time.
And I know I must accept this.
And I know this is how life needs to be.
And knowing all of this doesn’t make the fact that this could very well be the last Christmas I spend with my ‘boy’ any easier.
He’s my favorite person in the whole wide world – and always will be.
Merry Christmas to my bird – I know you have to spread your wings – and I know you’ll find a way to soar!
Just don’t forget I’ll always have a little spot in the nest for you. x
Now that my hands are smaller …
“Even when my hand is bigger than your hand, I’ll still hold it” he once told me.
Things are strained between my son and I, and I’m uncertain of what to do.
“You’re afraid that he won’t like you.” One friend said.
Yeah.
Yeah I am.
That little boy who reached out with his tiny hands, “Up!”
That little boy who fell asleep on my chest – as I stroked his impossibly blonde hair out of his eyes.
The boy I played games with.
The boy I wanted to please with every ounce of my heart.
I didn’t want him to lose out – feel different. Having only me.
The young man who only 2 years ago turned and waved as he walked up the dirt road to the school bus stop.
The young man who would tell me everything that hurt him – share his hopes and dreams.
Of course I want him to like me.
But it feels like it’s all gone.
I blinked and became redundant.
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His priorities are askew – not focusing on school nor work – he is not following the house rules which are only a few.
It was so long ago that I was ‘momma’.
I barely see him now.
I don’t hear what is hurting him.
I don’t know anymore what his hopes are – or dreams.
“Why is he treating me this way? I made sure to do everything different. Do everything right.”
I lamented to a fellow mom yesterday.
“I remember being so excited to run home with a craft I made at school to show my mom, I remember it being so important to me to find just the right present for her at Christmas time. He has never really been that way toward me.”
“Maybe you were too nice” she said.
And it dawned on me, that in overcompensating, maybe my son never had to feel like he needed to earn my love or approval.
I mean, of COURSE he never had to earn my love but you know what I mean.
I still find myself wanting my mom to be proud of me. Even at 45. I make something, or accomplish something noteworthy, the first person I want to show it to – is her.
“Like me! Like me!” My inner child always seeking approval.
I always let my son know he was my favorite person on the planet. Is that where I went wrong?
Should I have spanked him? Not played video games with him? Not snuck him out of school (when his grades were good) for a fun rare day playing hooky?
Should I have not been so candid about life as he grew?
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Being mom and dad was a weird line to straddle. From baseball to condoms – driving lessons to shaving – I taught it all.
I tried not to yell, to forgive quickly. Knowing that if anything ever happened to him, I would regret every sour word.
But in doing that – I clearly did not instill any healthy fear. I did not gain respect and have not been taken seriously.
And every day – my “Up!” boy is slipping away.
And his hands are so much bigger than mine – and so far from holding.
Debauchery Soup 