Last Christmas?

I’ve spoken of this before – the inevitable severing of all that has been constant and comfortable and traditional.

My boy is in love. My boy will be turning 20 in a few months.

My boy is movin’ on from me.

We spent the first holiday apart this year on Thanksgiving.

I try to remember how it felt when I was 19 and in love. It was amazing – and I was full of hope and so sure they were my ‘forever’ partner.

All I thought about was the person I was ‘in love with’ when I was in my early twenties.

And that’s nature folks.

We split away from our family and venture off to experience life on our own and ‘go forth and multiply’.

I think it has to be a little easier to come to terms with this when you have a partner that remains?

I don’t know that to be true, because I am not in that situation.

I can tell you what it feels like for me.

As a single parent – having spent the last 19 years with one person. A person once so tiny and dependent – a person who grew before my eyes and in my heart.

I’m going to say it: It hurts that I’m not the love of his life anymore.

And I know that’s silly, and I know that’s selfish – but it’s how I feel.

He’s been bringing gifts home for a couple of months now, for his girlfriend. Planning and carefully choosing what he knows she’ll love.

I love that he’s so thoughtful.

But I feel like so suddenly, I was pushed aside.

And it’s normal!

And it’s natural!

And it’s necessary!

AND IT SUCKS!!

The best I can hope for going forward is to be included in some way in his life.

I’m never going to be #1 again. That’s just a fact.

When he’s hurting, physically or emotionally, he’ll be turning to his love for comfort.

When he has exciting news to share, I won’t be the first to hear it.

I try to put a positive spin on things … like, maybe I had something to do with how much love he has to offer someone.

Maybe I showed him how to treat someone he cares for?

But in all truthfulness – the main feeling I’m having is that I miss him. Because even when we’re together at home, we’re not.

His thoughts are elsewhere.

Even when we’re spending time together we’re not, because he’s responding to the ‘BING!’ of an instant message.

In so many ways he’s already gone. Even if we do still share the same roof some of the time.

And I know I must accept this.

And I know this is how life needs to be.

And knowing all of this doesn’t make the fact that this could very well be the last Christmas I spend with my ‘boy’ any easier.

He’s my favorite person in the whole wide world – and always will be.

Merry Christmas to my bird – I know you have to spread your wings – and I know you’ll find a way to soar!

Just don’t forget I’ll always have a little spot in the nest for you. x