Ride it out.
Try it out.
I do worry about addiction – and as effective as Alprazalam has been (and, literally, I think, a life saver – I want done!)
So, when I talked to my doctor about the increase in my anxiety, I already kinda knew what he was going to say. I also knew what I was going to say back.
I know the day of the week not from a calendar, but, from my medicine box!
It’s beyond ridiculous. And I want to FEEL! I want to be me.
I want to be the best me.
So, he suggested a new pill.
“Does this mean I can stop taking Alprazalam??”
“No, you’d take this in tandem.”
“But, if it WORKS then …”
“Then you can use Alprazalam for spells. This med doesn’t work that way.”
Probably shouldn’t have. Because 1/2 of the people taking my new meds had an AWFUL time. I had a consultation with my pharmacist and felt um, sorta confident?
Placebo effect. I had to be SURE it would work.
To be able to walk the length of Walmart without leaving my cart.
To be able to drive without losing sensation in my fingers and mind!
Let’s make all of this make sense with some of what my pharmacist told me.
Turns out, he has the same heart condition that I do.
(That’s how long the ‘consultation’ was – I only had one question, he had a hundred answers, which also kinda explains why my pick up takes so long lol)
Our hearts, already in fight or flight mode, due to electrical misfires, need the brain to tell it to chill out.
Any (insert Star Wars here) ‘disturbance in the force’ be it a past experience or recent one – aggravates our medical condition and there you have a medical anxiety.
So, taking pills for the actual heart condition and pills for the anxiety has taken a toll.
It’s been over 6 years.
The body builds up a tolerance.
But I didn’t.
I don’t WANT to be THAT girl.
If I can get through the rough patch of this NON narcotic solution, I can maybe wean off of the benzos, which IS my goal.
I’ll never be off the Digoxen or the Metopropolol – and that’s fine! They are literally a life saver. I know I need them.
But, what if … Just what if – I don’t need Alprazalam anymore?!?!
I can’t wait for the day that I can walk into any situation and feel at ease – or lay my head down and not wake up in the middle of the night to a ‘spell’.
But – I feel it coming. I hope.
And I’m in.
I’ll ride this out.
Let’s try it? No?
It smells of dirt outside. Fresh garden dirt. The kind of dirt you don’t mind having under your fingernails as you straighten from a new bed of plants and feel your back begin to ache. But it’s not my dirt, and my back is fine. I can’t think where I’m picking up the scent as only desert dirt surrounds me.
One smell though – and my thoughts go into overdrive. The same with songs. Names. Colors.
I love my imagination. I embrace it. But the last few days I’m had to tamp it down – like the dirt I imagined only moments ago from my porch.
The week began with wonderment and excitement and hope. It declined to heart problems and doctors and needles and tests and tears. And just when I thought the week couldn’t slip any further, it did.
Someone I care deeply about had some unexpected sad news.
When someone I love worries, I worry. When someone I love is happy, I’m happy for them. I’m a very intuitive, sensitive, feeling person. Not to be confused with co-dependent. Because I’m perfectly capable of finding my own happiness. It is not contingent on others.
But I digress, as usual.
I’m finding myself in suspended animation – swiping the screen of my ipad to check for news – messages. My heart, dropping into my stomach when my email advises me that yes, it has updated and no, there is nothing new to show me.
I’ve been feeling selfish too. Selfish because this recent event could mean that all the wonderment and excitement I felt at the beginning of the week could be delayed, or perhaps, never be.
And that is when I have to tamp down my imagination.
You let me sit and think without information and I’ll create either the best or worst scenario my mind can come up with. It’s terrible. Terrible and wonderful at the same time.
I’ve dismissed the worry I had for myself and the hug I shared with my doctor, while tears streamed down my cheeks is a fading memory.
But the love and fear I feel for someone else remains.
I will pray to whatever God will listen to me – and use my imagination to send love and light to the family that needs it.
I have to decide, again, to let go. Give another thing I have no control of over to the universe.
Fairy tales will have to wait, even destiny gets interrupted sometimes.