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Catabolic hearts and Candy Corn pencils

I spent last night with a few tears – and like a child in need of comfort, I also grabbed a blanket and my bear.

Yesterday brought joy and sadness, love and aloneness, hope and fear.  And sometimes, it’s all just too much to process.

It wasn’t due to any one thing in particular – things build over time to overflowing and when there is no outlet – blanket and bear come into play.

I joke about saying too much – about not editing myself.  But the fact is, I keep so much inside that it hurts sometimes.

You know when someone notices that you’re out of sorts and hugs you?  That dam that bursts because of that hug?

I feel like life (and, yes, me too) constantly plugs up my dam with no relief in sight.

When I desperately need a hug.

And to be heard.

And seen.

I posted this on my Facebook wall this afternoon – after a day of feeling unwell physically, but mostly overwhelmed emotionally.

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I did this because I felt safe putting it there, I am very selective about who my ‘friends’ are on Facebook.  People that know me and ‘get me’ are privy to my mostly quirky, sometimes funny and often odd status updates.

I don’t have friends I don’t trust.

What I really wanted to do was write about it here though.  So I’m going to.

I have a lot on my plate and on my mind.  A lot weighing on my heart also.

I find it necessary, again, to reiterate that I am a happy person – and a grateful person – and a loving person.  And I know what is important in life.

But I am also a human person.

I used to think it was not okay to permit myself to feel my sadness.  That I was somehow being ungrateful by doing that.

I know not to wallow in it – not to become melancholic – but it is necessary to feel.  Denying myself permission to acknowledge sadness or fears is not healthy.  And there is no growth when one does not acknowledge, assess and address a feeling or emotion.

Still, lately I’ve pent everything up.  Putting one foot in front of the other and plugging away at life, while I tackled real and imagined problems alone.

The soul has this amazing ability to take a lot of crap from us – but has its limit.  I reached mine.

Then I came home to mail.

Real mail.

Not just an envelope either – a small package.

It was from a dear friend in California (she actually taught me how to do what I do for a living over 14 years ago!)

Inside – was this letter, the sweet pencil and a bag of Halloween candy:

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Here I was questioning whether I am worthy of love – and I receive this sweet, sweet gift.  That she knows me so well – that something reminded her of me – that she made the effort to go the extra mile and purchase the item and tell me that she thought of me … such love.

And to want to feel connected to me.

What a blessing to have such friends.

I’ll take the pencil to work with me tomorrow and put it somewhere I can look at it as a reminder.

And because it touched me so – my heart can’t possibly be in a catabolic state.  It’s still capable of processing love.

It’s just scared.

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Photo therapy

Lay in bed this morning with not a fiber of my being wanting to get up.

I am in a funk of all time funks for a myriad of reasons.  But life goes on.

Laundry was skipped last weekend due to my tooth pain – blah, blah, blah – I’m so over talking about that.  But, fact is, I had to do laundry today. 

I milled about the house, crawled back into bed.  Found myself watching ‘The Shahs of Sunset’ reunion show on Bravo.  What the hell?  I don’t even watch the show – no clue who the people were.  But evidently, reaching for the remote and changing the channel wasn’t in the cards.

Get up Amanda. 

I sat outside.

I haven’t been reading as often lately, tried to read a few pages.  Haven’t picked up a paint brush in a while either, nor my camera. 

“Go do laundry, and take some pictures” a voice in my head told me.  From where I sat, I could see fog over the river – the mountains looked beautiful.

Okay.  Get dressed and just DO IT!

So I did it.  Shoved our laundry into a couple of washing machines and took myself and my camera off for some quality time.

Heads up – I’m the Queen of zoom and crop.  Whereas, my son captures a subject and leaves in the surroundings, whether aesthetically pleasing or not, and his photos end up amazing.  I love that about him.  He doesn’t edit life.  I just have a problem not editing my mouth.

Without further ado:

fogmountain

The reason I took my camera.  Fog is rare here in the desert.  It called to me.  The Colorado River creates it from time to time, and every time it does, its gorgeous.

deadwood

Decay and growth.  I loved the juxtaposition of the two.

burnedandnew

And here too.  The area I was shooting in is prone to fires.  The tree in the back obviously burned and the new growth in the foreground just made such a pleasing image.

curledmetal

Love the curl of this metal. 

flowerdirt

Beauty and the desert beast

irrigation

The reservations irrigation system. 

irrigation2

Looked like a mirror – or a framed picture to me

reeds

Gawd I loved these

spentshell

Spent shell – wonder what was on the receiving end of this?

rock

He’s a rocks rock

weedbranches

On my knees in rams head weeds to get this shot, pretty sure I have a couple of puncture wounds – but worth it

stepflower

Home now – this little guy is growing through the steps.  I won’t go into that metaphor.  But I was proud of it and that little flower inspires me.

On the way home from the laundromat a song came on that for that very moment in time, couldn’t have been more apropos.   Every word spoke to me.  And I don’t know when this funk will break – but I know it will.  I know this.  But I’m nothing if not authentic, and I never ‘fake it til I make it’.  I’m not going to plaster a smile on my face.  I don’t feel like smiling just yet.  I have big decisions to make, big changes to consider and time is slipping by quickly.  I am sad, scared, 50 shades of blue and deep in thought.  But life is still beautiful.  I am still grateful.  And tomorrow is another day.

Here’s that song.