The Day the Musings Died – and therapy gone wrong
Past two weeks at the laundromat, WIFI hasn’t worked for me.
I was unable to ‘muse’ and that bothered me. I missed you guys and had so much to say!
They ‘fixed’ their WIFI by making a password free guest WIFI – and my iPad just would NOT pick it up. So, actually now, laundry day sucks.
It’s like “Bye, Bye, Laundromat WIFI…”
Took my Chevy to the laundry, but no WIFI.
So! Let’s catch you up
I went to ‘therapy” on advice from my doc that knows me since 13 years ago.
I have anxiety/panic disorder and … Add to that now, agoraphobia.
The therapist told me I have no self-esteem, and after divulging every creepy sexual moment in my life and my deepest darkest secrets, he went on to say, “You’re beautiful, you need to see yourself that way.” (As if THAT was easy to do.) He went on to say … “you have great boobs”
Wait what?!
Are you freaking kidding me?????
THAT was my therapist.
I called him last week and told him I felt very uncomfortable with that.
I went on to say, “If I had come to you because I’d been constantly bullied, and you told me to sit down and shut up, that would have been the equivalent”. He apologized profusely. I told him I forgave him, but could not see him again.
Anyway.
I have my safe zones – driving to work and coming home. But, when my son was out of town, I couldn’t go to the grocery store.
I also have a plane trip this month.
My biggest fears …. Heights and flying.
But it’s worth it.
I am very excited to see the person on the other side of that plane ride.
I have also looked up tools to survive the flight mentally.
I’m doing this. Because it is important. I may be shaking, may be scared but I’m going.
Imagine this though – seeing someone again who you have come to very much care for, although, sweaty, shaky, and having been up since 3 a.m.
Yes, 3 a.m.
Got to get to the airport 3 hours in advance and THEN, THEN, the flight.
I DID however Google getting over this. And he had 3 steps.
These are what I remember.
1) You’ve been through this before and survived.
2) Tell yourself you’re excited about the feeling! It overrides the fight/flight sensation. KEEP telling yourself you’re excited and tell the attack to “bring it on!” Try to make it worse.
3) Shake out your arms and legs – literally. It’s supposed to relieve something.
Guess I did remember all three.
I don’t see myself ‘shaking off’ on the plane though. Lol. Maybe in the bathroom.
This is a very, very, very important trip and I’m GOING to do it!
Without flipping boob therapy.
(By the way, Mr. Therapist – that was padding. But yes, I have an amazing body which should NEVER have been brought up.)
Musings from the Laundromat: Shameless, Pokemon GO & Flight Fear edition.
“I missed you last week!”
That was nice to hear so early in the morning.
It came from my laundry lady. I explained that I had spent last Sunday in the midst of a Netflix binge.
I got hooked on Shameless (U.S. Version) and spent the entire weekend either watching that, or pausing it to speak on the phone with someone special.
Nothing was cleaned – and my son was out-of-town, so I felt pretty much zero guilt.
In fact, I didn’t even go grocery shopping the week and a half he was gone. (Great way to diet – the whole ‘cupboard is bare’ method.)
OK, so some of my hermit mode had to do with my increasingly annoying social anxiety.
We went yesterday and I still felt awkward ‘peopling’. Managed to do it though with him in tow.
Friday we also left the safety of my yard and hunted for Pokemon. Good thing one happened to be in the vacant lot across from us as the further we got from my home, the more anxious I became. The payoff was actually finding one and getting to ‘pet’ it for a photo.
Yes, I look awkward, no my legs don’t usually bend like that, but when your son is saying “lower, lower … Mom, lower”, you contort to facilitate such a photo op.
Back to anxiety.
So! I have an impending flight coming up next month sometime.
I say that so casually, though, even typing it has made my palms start to sweat a little.
I have a MORBID fear of heights – and an even worse fear of flying.
I have no idea how I’m going to make it ON the plane, let alone remain on it with any degree of sanity.
But it’s a worthwhile trip.
I have friends I haven’t seen in over 13 years and that someone I speak with on the phone will be at the airport to collect me.
What a great way to see each other after all this time. Me, shaking, pale, heart pounding, blurred vision. I suppose though, that’s how I would feel even if I wasn’t just on a metal cylindrical airborne object miles above the ground.
And what a great story it would be for the laundromat if I survive the trip no?
And now to finish the coffee I’ve given up, that my laundry lady STILL makes me … And finish the laundry so I can return to Shameless.
Musings from the laundromat: Change edition
“If you need change, I can’t give it to you.”
Apropos.
My laundry lady went on to say, “The girl last night locked the vault.”
Made me start thinking about how much I DO need change. And not the break a twenty kind.
But I’m working on that. Vaults be damned.
I guess this is kind of a change … Sure not ginger ale.
And, thanks to our recent monsoon shenanigans, there are all these fun plants wrapped around mundane objects, really found this beautiful.
So, there’s a couple of changes.
But not the ones I had in mind.
There comes a day when you wake up, look around you and realize, “I am approaching 50 and I haven’t much to look forward to.”
There comes a day when you wake up and repeat your day like a pattern and loathe it.
I’m there.
I have an unchecked lottery ticket in my purse. A dream of what my life could be and health issues I want mended.
I have a bonkers sense of hope, and a realistic feeling of being ‘stuck’.
Those things coupled become completely frustrating.
It’s like ticking off days on a calendar, only, it’s the countdown to the end.
So, what do I want to change, and how to go about it?
I’ll know more about that soon.
Mostly though, I stay in the moment and appreciate my life.
But I can’t keep doing my pattern forever. I need more for myself.
I am capable of change, and open to it.
Now I just need to check that lottery ticket I suppose.
Musings from the Laundromat: Looking Forward edition.
It’s a beautiful morning.
I showered, tended to my dog and less than half an hour I sit at my laundromat table with almost dry hair. Got to love the desert – nature’s hair dryer.
OK, sometimes I love the desert.
But there are many other times that I feel too far away from something or someone.
(Side note: I’ve yet to tell the laundry lady that I’ve stopped drinking coffee, and after her smile and our little chat she put on a pot for me.
How do I tell her I don’t want it when she only makes it for me?
I don’t. I will be having a cup. Because it makes her feel good to make it for me.)
______________________________
My head has been in the clouds for the past week or so. It’s been hard to focus on the things I used to focus on.
Which, is a good thing, because left to my own devices and imagination, I’m usually not walking down quaint pathways, but dead-end alleys in my head.
Negative ‘what if’s’ have been brightened to hopeful ones.
I’m looking forward instead of backward and that is also a good thing, because I’m not the most graceful of creatures and tend to trip up when I’m not focused on today or tomorrow, but rather, yesterday.
“Do you think it’s because we’re older? That we know what we want sooner?”
“Yes. We already know what works and what doesn’t in our lives. We’re more confident and have experiences to draw upon.”
A conversation I had with someone I love.
______________________________
And now I sit, sipping the coffee I’ve given up, and one of my favorite songs, Killer Queen, plays in the background on the radio.
And there is a faint smile on my lips as I type.
And there is a calmness in my heart.
And there is much on my mind – but I’ll keep that to myself – for now.
Musings from the Laundromat: Fathers and Felons edition
First of all, Happy Father’s Day to all the great dad’s out there. And Happy Father’s Day also to all you moms that have done it alone. I’m raising an imaginary glass of champagne at the screen and cheering you all.
I’m sure the dad’s are thinking, “Great. Couldn’t you be raising an imaginary beer or single malt?”
No.
Onto felons.
(My segues are ingenious, she says sarcastically while moving the imaginary glass of champagne out of the way so it’s not knocked over by her writing prowess.)
Yesterday was a pajama day for me. Just me, the dog and Litchfield Penitentiary.
Well, almost. I have 3 episodes to go.
I’m definitely enjoying Season 4 over Season 3. No spoilers. I’ll review the show when you’ve all had a change to binge watch.
So after today’s Fathers Day brunch across the river, I’ll be returning to my Netflix nest and finishing up those remaining episodes … Then I’ll feel guilty about not having scrubbed the house – then either a) get over it or b) actually scrub the house. I’m thinking maybe a little of both.
Time to check on the machines … And drink my weekly cup of coffee (I still haven’t had the heart to tell the laundry lady I don’t drink it anymore. But since she’s so sweet to make it just for me – I must courteously caffeine.)
Once again, happy Father’s Day Soupers!!!
Debauchery Soup 