Year end Review … 2016
First of all, HELLO! Finally got triple A batteries for my keyboard so I can reach out and post!
Well, well, well. After 2015 I was so certain of my future. I would be eaten by my abundance of cats and alone in pajamas.
This is why I’m glad I have a dog … Although, Butters would probably eat me too.
Not that I should worry so much about that anymore. 2016 brought someone very unexpected into my life.
We started out chatting I knew OF him since 6th grade but we weren’t in the same ‘clique’
That was then – this is now:
As a result of falling for this person, I overcame a HUGE fear. FLYING.
Bonkers, because I have flown so many times … mostly to and from England.
I was not afraid then.
It just got to a point where I was TERRIFIED of flying.
But, I needed to see Dante.
AND! I did it. Not once, not twice, but three times!!!!!!!! That’s 6 flights in 2016! I DID IT!
Started out in the aisle, kept my eyes on the air attendants. If they didn’t look panicky, I had no need to be. The other thing that helped me, that I think will help you? Once you’re going a certain “MPH” it’s like being in ‘Jello’ in the sky. Jello! Keep saying that to yourself. No, you’re not going to ever ‘fall out of the sky’.
OK, so I found love. I found hope.
BUT!
My kidlet is still leaving.
My baby.
You have your favorite person that you count on?
That’s been my kid for 21 years.
I haven’t even had a relationship longer than 5 years. My relationship with my son is THE ONE.
We have the same sense of humor, but he’s taken it to another level. He has talents I’ll never have. And not once, NOT ONCE has he made me feel ‘lacking’. Ever.
We can talk about anything. Always have.
Here’s the thing.
He’s moving so far away! To Kentucky. And the trip will be a treacherous one with snow, ice and other things he’s not had to navigate through.
Yes, I know the only way to learn how to do something is to DO it … but, there’s so much riding on such a long trip. I’m very scared. Not that I doubt his abilities, but such a drive with so much on the line … and other people on the road whose abilities I don’t know or trust. Bottom line – I’ll be holding my breath for 3 days. Thinking of nothing but him and waiting to hear his voice safely stopped for the night.
I have to accept that he’s making his decisions and I will never stop being afraid of them.
Then, last but clearly not least, those we lost this year … My beautiful Nannie and Tiny the cat.
I am now at that age also when friends and loved ones are receiving bad health news.
It barely felt like Christmas this year – I had very little joy in my heart. With so much change in the forecast.
I no longer care about ‘getting’ anything. I have too much! Too much ‘stuff” If I’m being honest, my favorite gift this year was a card. A card. From my guy. My second favorite, a ‘promise ring’. We’re taking things slowly.
It may just stay like this. Apart – but knowing someone in the world loves us.
I hope Nic feels that when we’re apart too.
I’ll always hold him tightly in my heart – while he spreads his wings and explores life as an adult.
Of Cords – Extension and Umbilical
My current status …
I’ve been pretty, um, I want to say ’emotional’ but, truth be told I’ve been a completely withdrawn, passive aggressive bitch. Not just to my son.
It’s as if I want people not to like me so that it will be easy to wean myself off of them.
There’s four pretty significant things getting me down lately – but I’ll just speak on this one.
How to drive home January 6th 2017, not see my son’s car outside of our home and not completely shatter.
Let me clarify again, I am very happy for him. I am very proud that he’s leaping headfirst into the world. I am terrified of his 27 hour trek across the States however.
And fuck! I’m going to miss my kid!!!!!!!
He is the only person I know or have ever met that can make me laugh every single day! The only person I can be completely myself around and be certain I’ll be loved.
Obviously my bitchy depressed mode hasn’t gone unnoticed by him.
Evidenced by, not only my attitude, but the fact that in spite of hosting Thanksgiving this year, I hadn’t one shred of Christmas up.
I’m usually the eager Christmas beaver, wanting to festoon my home as soon as it is socially acceptable. Not this year. I had no joy. No excitement. I also spent the whole 4 1/2 days, other than Thanksgiving day, in my room.
This past Sunday, after the laundromat, I shrugged back into my pajamas and settled in to continue my very important 4 day activity … being horizontal while attending my Netflix pity party binge.
In walks my son.
Him: Let’s go to Oatman for lunch. My treat.
Me: I don’t want to go to Oatman. I was going to take a nap.
Him: OK, I’m going to get ready, then we’ll go to Oatman.
Me: Nic … I really don’t want to go anywhere.
Him: OK, we’ll go to the Hualapai’s instead.
Me: No! That’s too far!
Him: OK, Oatman it is.
He left. And I lay with remote in hand – 3 day old pajamas and a body awash in guilt.
The countdown has begun for the end of this chapter with my favorite person. And I have been pushing him away instead of making each moment count.
I got up.
Ran a brush through my hair.
Swiped my eyelashes with mascara – colored my pale lips.
Dressed warmly – the gray skies were threatening to water our desert.
And found him.
And off we went.
And the moment we began driving my spirits lifted. I was already laughing before we reached our highway.
We encountered a burro blockage as we approached our destination.
Burro was not budging.
The closer we came to Oatman, the more the burros. Here was our escort.
We parked and sauntered into the town we’ve spent so much time together.
Stopped in all the old familiar places. Enjoyed the warmth of an old fireplace as we ate lunch.
And then …
And then it occurred to me this might be the last time we did so together … alone.
My heart ached.
And as if on cue, as my eyes welled, the skies opened – and we walked in the rain. Unfazed by it. We have that in common – our love for the rain.
We took our time heading for the car.
Took our time driving.
Stopped. Enjoyed more time in the rain.
I can honestly say the day ranked up there … one of the top 10 days I’ve ever spent with my baby. My ‘baby’ who has become man enough to understand and to put up with my mood swings. Man enough to know that I needed that nudge.
I put our small tree up.
I’ve yet to find an extension cord in order to light it, but it’s a significant beginning.
And as for my sweet son and his upcoming departure? His significant beginning? I’m learning there’s no need for the cord that once joined us.
He’ll continue to make me laugh – from afar.
He won’t stop loving me nor I him.
It will be a slow process for me – learning how to live in a home he no longer shares with me.
And it will be an exciting and strengthening process for him … learning how to ‘adult’ and not having to share a home with me.
Musings from the laundromat: Quiet & Being Rude edition.
It’s quiet here today.
Too quiet.
The radio isn’t on and no one is chatting.
Even Glaucoma man hasn’t stopped by to say ‘hi’ – he’s busy folding. He got here a whole lot earlier than me. I arrived on time.
And now he’s leaving without a goodbye.
It’s funny, because the laundromat opens at 8 a.m. (Although Laundry Lady unlocks the doors much earlier than that). As she looked up from receipts she was going through she said “Didn’t think you were going to make it.” Why?
I always do – I just happened to be on time today.
Had a fun night at a work banquet last night. I got to dance. I love to dance. And I spent quality time with one of my best friends out here. And of course, my work family.
It’s still hard for me to be in crowds, so I tend to overcompensate. Do that nervous bravado chatter and last night it brought me some trouble.
First of all – I was nervous about wearing makeup. I applied it early as I’m not very good at it. Wanted to be sure to be able to wash my face and have a ‘do over’. But, it seemed to work out. I asked my son, “On a scale from ‘party’ to ‘hooker’ how do I look?” Luckily the answer was ‘party’.
Here’s he and I outside.
He was preparing to leave. Which, left me to pacing the house like a caged cat.
My friend arrived and the nervous chatter began in anticipation of having to ‘people’.
Event was fun once I settled into my table and was close to those I knew.
Unfortunately, nervous chatter became a verbal eyeroll at something that was said on the microphone and someone I don’t get along with very well stared me down and declared me rude. This was out loud and what was said, literally, was “You’re rude.” It was accompanied by a look of disgust.
I deserved it.
I own my part in it.
I do!
I brushed it off though and after eating too much food proceeded to burn some calories off on the dance floor.
I haven’t danced in so long! Well, not in public. I chair dance, bedroom dance and car dance – but that doesn’t really count does it.
My friend was ready to leave but I was feeling the beat and finally feeling comfortable ‘peopling’.
I acquiesced and home we went.
All in all, a great night.
And now here I sit, waiting for the washing machines to give up my clothes.
It’s threatening to rain outside, which, would actually be quite lovely for a Sunday. Nothing better than a blanket, a cozy home and rain hitting the windows and roof.
I caved and turned the heat on yesterday. After replacing the filters on my vents. I woke early yesterday to find my son on the couch with a knit hat on his head and a comforter around him. A little dramatic, but I got the point.
We went to breakfast then shopped for those filters and a few other necessities.
I also got a hair cut. A treat for me. I usually just let it look like a horses mane. But my intention was to also color it. I wanted to go darker, but the timing wasn’t right. I had driven and my son would be stuck for a couple of hours as he doesn’t drive stick shift.
I still can’t quite wrap my head around the fact that he’s leaving soon.
Still doesn’t feel real.
And if I thought it was quiet here – with machine doors opening and closing and rumbles and laundry cart wheels dragging across the tiles – then I’m going to be in for one hell of a shock when he does go. My home will be quiet. And lonely. And a piece of me will be gone.
Until then, I’ll enjoy each moment.
Each laugh I hear coming from his room. Each late night refrigerator opening.
Each piece of clothing I pluck from the bathroom floor of his to bring here.
Musings from the Laundromat: Rocky Horror Clock Edition
My clock is confused.
I set it for 6 a.m. Knowing I could comfortably hit snooze a couple of times before gathering my laundry and heading out to the ‘mat.
Woke on time – hit that button like the lady of leisure I felt.
Next eyelid opening had me staring at 7:30. Ok. Laundromat officially doesn’t open until 8:00. I still had plenty of time to do my customary brushing of tangled hair and morning teeth then find some pants to throw on.
I even toyed with the idea of showering first …
Then I walked out of my bedroom and glanced at my other clocks.
8:30
My time keeper had taken a step to the left.
Now, I realize it’s Sunday and other than laundry and light cleaning, I have nothing pressing on my agenda – but I did get that momentary panicked bird in the chest sensation and then “Oh shit” went through my mind.
I encounter this ‘Time Warp” annually. I have a ‘smart’ clock. I beg to differ with its intelligence as it is supposed to know that we, in Arizona, do not observe Daylight Savings Time. Our clocks do not Fall Back this time of year.
And besides, dear clock of mine – that occurred LAST weekend.
So, I changed its mode to whatever made the time correct and proceeded to head out of the door weighted down with two baskets of dirty clothing.
____________________________
Laundry Lady is here this week. I’m glad. Some normality returned to my routine. We exchanged our usual banter and I sat at my 2nd favorite table.
While typing a man with a thick German accent asked:
“There is internet?”
“Yes,” I responded, “Free WIFI.”
He settled into the table behind me and has his tiny lap top out. As I stuffed the dryers I asked, “Did you find it?”
“Oh yes. You know, the McDonalds, they don’t have it anymore.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yes, yes. I think they do not want for you to sit too long inside.”
I can’t remember the last time I sat inside of a McDonalds. Can’t actually remember the last time I actually ate McDonalds. I think that’s a good thing.
I do have a ginormous piece of salmon that I’ll be cooking in between cleaning and binge watching Salem on Netflix.
And, I’ll be cutting my eyes over to my clock occasionally to be sure it’s not up to anymore shenanigans.
Something a little punny about ‘watching’ a ‘clock’ no?
But I will be. Know this clock, I WILL be.
Debauchery Soup 