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The first 12 of 45
I fell asleep last night wondering if musicians get goosebumps or tear up when they play their best songs live. I thought this after getting goosebumps and tearing up to this.
Comfortably Numb, live.
I drifted off to sleep having been wished ‘Happy Birthday’ from 3 countries in which I was already born – and with David Gilmore and Roger Waters echoing in my head.
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9:30 p.m. I hear my son coughing violently in the kitchen – then:
Nic: “Don’t mind me – just choking”
Me: “Obviously you’re breathing”
Nic: “ha ha. Don’t rush out to check on me or anything”
Me: “K.”
Nic: “That’s my mom!” (as if he’s got a crowd he’s informing of this. “That’s my mom ladies and gentlemen”)
I smile and close my eyes.
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10:30 p.m. Eyes back open. My son is church mousing around in the kitchen, the house shakes. He has inherited my delicate elephant stomp.
12:04 a.m. Awoke from a dream involving two special friends from the past and a mystery man – we’d gone on a crazy roller coaster and then to a Depeche Mode concert. Ended up on stage and of course, I was taking photos.
2:00 a.m. Butters stands beside my bed, breathing on me. I try to ignore her.
2:30 a.m. Butters stands closer – breathing more heavily. I get up, let dog out and leave front door open for the dog and any and all serial killers to have easier access to me while I returned to bed.
4:00 a.m. Seriously??? Dog is nowhere to be seen, so what the hell has roused me this time????
5:00 a.m. Peer at clock with gritty, tired eyes … too tired to roll them in anguish
5:30 a.m. I give up.
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Didn’t have that ‘it’s my birthday’ feeling as I scooted out of bed and wobbled to the bathroom.
I always at least have that ‘it’s my birthday’ feeling first thing in the morning (well, on birthday mornings anyway, not every morning obviously)
I guess 45 is the cut off for that pink frosted feeling.
Son sleeping, dog still outside.
I microwave a cup of yesterdays coffee, because I’m too lazy and uncoordinated to make a new pot.
Shower cap in hand, towel at the ready, I sit and wait for my alarm, because I have no clue how to turn it off prematurely.
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6:00 a.m. Shower. I ponder while I’m in there.
Why do men have the best razors??
Seriously, considering the skin footage we women have to shave compared to men – shouldn’t ours be cutting edge? (No pun intended) and don’t give me that ‘But men have to shave their delicate angled faces’ crap, because you know as well as I do that women shave a hell of a lot more ‘delicate’ places and we have curves and angles too!
I will only buy mens razors.
7:10 a.m Dressed – still sipping my microwaved coffee – my mum calls and sings at me from the dog park.
7:20 a.m. I’m milling about the house now … always ready early – always restless.
I spy a banana in the fruit bowl that looks like a duck. I think perhaps it was bored, in there all alone – and decided to morph in order to have some fun.
I decide I like that banana instantly.
I give Butters two of her biscuits and then proceed to tip two vitamins in my hand and pop them in my mouth – along with dog biscuit crumbs.
Nice one.
*sigh* I’ll count that as breakfast.
7:35 a.m. I decide to plant a kiss on my sleeping sons cheek – he’s shirtless in bed with a sunburn
Me: “Hey naked … I’m outta here”
Him: ….
(I’m sure he’s got ‘Happy Birthday’ planned to exit his mouth later.)
Out the door I go.
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I hope for a really amazing song in the car – no luck. I end up pretending to know the words to a new Shakira song and sing out of key.
7:45 a.m. Arrive at work.
I unlock the door … notice the ‘Happy Birthday’ sign place above my desk has fallen off of the wall. I put it back up after I disable the buildings alarm. Then I wonder if that’s self-appreciating or just helpful. Decide it doesn’t matter, my OCD needs that sign back up where it was.
There is a birthday card on my keyboard.
A little while later, another card heads my way in the hands of my sweet friend Ruth. A tiny ribboned box perches atop it.
The card cracks me up.
This is it:
The little box opens to reveal a teeny tiny necklace. This friend knows me well. I love ‘little’. I love delicate. I love the necklace and she stands behind me and puts it on.
Friend: “Now we’re married.”
I’m thinking I could do a lot worse. She’s amazing. And she knows my humor and taste.
We would be bound to have a long and successful union – except she’s still madly in love with her husband.
The broker comes through the door with the most adorable tulips – and yes, they’re for me.
I’m feeling spoiled – and it’s only 9:15 a.m
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10:48 a.m. Finally got a Happy Birthday from my son.
He has accompanied his girlfriend to the dentist and the following instant messages ensued:
Him: I just saw a turtle wet a fallen flower
Him: *Eat
Me: It would have been funnier if it HAD wetted it
Him: Lol, well the flower just fell from a nude into the water, and the turtle ate it and went underwater, So I guess he did. Lol
Me: Nude??
Him: Bush*
Me: I don’t even want to know why your ipad confuses ‘bush’ with ‘nude’ lmao
Him: lol, oh no.
Him: Happy birthday by the way
Me: Finally
We have the strangest conversations. I hope he doesn’t eat the duck banana before I can point it out to him.
Yeah sure, I could show him a photo – but it’s so much better to meet a duck banana in the flesh … peel?
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My boss takes me to lunch from 11:30 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. We sit outside and chat. The view is gorgeous. I enjoy her company. We shared a room on a business trip to Phoenix a while ago – and over 8 hours in the car together. I like her. That’s the true test you know, a long car ride and sharing a room successfully.
I have the Mahi-Mahi wrap with wasabi and soy – SO good.
First meal of my 45th year, other than that dog biscuit crumb I had for breakfast.
You know, I never thought I’d make it to 30, let alone 40 … and now I’m half way to 90 for crying out loud!
And 90 is doable. Considering my little and delicate nannie just celebrated 91.
If I wore her on a necklace, close to my clavicle, she might see 101.
Home now, my parents have just left – and wouldn’t you know it? A pink frosted thing came with them.
I’m too full and too tired to eat any of it – but after the first 12, I did catch a glimpse of that ‘it’s my birthday’ feeling.
Musings from the Laundromat: Glee Interrupted Edition
I’m fuzzy today.
Awoke at 6 a.m. made coffee, let the dog out had a healthy breakfast of a cookie and went back to my room.
Ended up falling asleep for another two hours and dreaming of ‘Glee’.
No clue why. But apparently I was with the cast, and cheerleaders in a hotel room a few doors down were rehearsing and making too much noise.
I was the one who went to let them know they needed to be quiet.
(When people tell me ‘follow your dreams’ – ones like that pop into my head and I feel sure I’m okay having not done so.)
I none so enthusiastically got out of bed – threw some shorts on, ran a brush through my hair and gathered the laundry.
Sitting at a table in the very back. It’s affording me a view of everyone’s activities while they wait.
No one is talking. It’s eerily quiet considering the amount of people, but also calming considering my fuzzy state.
I deleted my last post about how sick I’ve been lately. For several reasons.
Rainer is in the news and search engines are landing many people here. I wanted the home page to have the Never Forget post to welcome them.
Also I’m so tired of talking about not feeling well.
And this is where I will tangent.
I think the first few times someone asks ‘How are you feeling?’ it’s okay to briefly summarize the truth.
But after a while, people in general, want to hear ‘fine’. Because let’s be honest, most who ask aren’t really looking for an answer, they’re either making small talk or being polite.
I tried a more positive attitude last week – determined to ‘mind over matter’ myself into good health.
It didn’t work.
But it might have made others around me feel better, so I kept trying.
I also told myself ‘there are people going through a LOT worse.’
This is something I tell myself often – to put things into perspective. To latch onto gratitude with convinced claws and fly away with it.
In the car (my ‘thinking’ car) I was thinking about this.
To what end do we do this?
When can we accept that we are going through something painful/scary/sad without brushing it off with a ‘someone is going through worse’.
It’s a form of avoidance.
For me, I know that until something is acknowledged, accepted and processed, I can’t move forward healthily, mentally or physically.
Someone is ALWAYS going through worse – it doesn’t mean you don’t get to process what’s bothering you.
Of course, if all we think about is what’s WRONG and never get out of a problem or an ailment long enough to see what’s RIGHT then that’s an issue.
There is a lot ‘right’ in my life. And I’m grateful for it.
Maybe that was the meaning of my dream … outside interference was interrupting my glee?
And in true Amanda fashion, I strutted over to the source and told the interruption to “HUSH!”
Okay, so I explained politely why they needed to be quiet – but I did take the steps over there and solved the problem!
Even in my dreams I’m meek.
But I’ll be inheriting the earth apparently – so there’s that.
‘Never Forget’ and Never Forget To Vote!
Today has got to be one the best days yet for my love, Rainer.
I can’t help but smile knowing how much fruit is being born from years and years of effort.
His twitter feed has been alive with positive comments – support and appreciation.
I know that does his heart and soul good. He has hoped for so much, expected so little and is humbly shocked by the response today.
My shadowed man, bathed in light.
But more than that – the importance of his work is being noticed for what it is.
Years of facing opposition and negativity for fighting the good fight is paling in comparison to the outpour of love from those that saw this today:
I am so proud. So grateful for everyone involved in the campaign.
Please visit this site: http://www.neverforgettovote.com
I am once again reminded, that there is such GOOD in the world.
We must never forget! And we must always be brave and proactive.
We can all make a difference!
I’ve also updated our website: http://www.daserbedeskommandanten.com
You can find links to recent activity and interviews, and behind the scenes photos of the making of the above campaign video.
I’ll be updating as fast as I can with upcoming media events etc.
Thank you, to all of Rainer’s new followers – and to all involved in supporting this cause.
Never Forget.
Never Forget To Vote!
Pass as Paper
Some weeks pass as paper – crossed off day by day.
I’ve begun to feel the future as a countdown to ‘too late’.
It used to be different – there was something to look forward to
at the completion of inked slashes.
A trip – a birthday – the arrival of a visitor.
I forget to change the page anymore.
One day winds into the next –
a weekend not even two days.
“Where has the month gone?”
I hear this – I say nothing.
I’m agreeing in silent thought.
Where has it gone.
Where has the last year gone.
Waiting and crossing days off in my head.
Special days arrive unfulfilled
Mentally crossed off.
My trust and faith chipping away.
Jaded.
Used.
Exhausted.
Turning pages of a cowards calendar.
12:04
12:04 a.m.
I open my eyes – close them, certain I’ve seen that time before.
I had been roused from a dream – a recurring dream of navigating myself and my son across jagged rocks while the ocean waves came dangerously close.
Pushing him along and up to the safest route.
The rocks are black.
The waves sweep in and over – then back out.
I keep inching along.
I decide it is important to remember this. I reach down to the floor, grasp my diary and write in the darkness.
The pen falls from my hand.
I find sleep once again.
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3:49 a.m.
The room is bathed in light. If I needed to, I feel I could have left my bed to start the day – but I’m remembering long days and a stressed heart.
I need my rest.
Where is the light coming from?
I try to remember if it was a full moon.
I find sleep.
Debauchery Soup 