Category Archives: Humor
Bugs and Monsters
Just ate a bug.
I’m sat outside, with my coffee – reading and reach for my cup and … ate a bug.
Then I looked up (after not so delicately thrusting my finger in my mouth to fish out the foreign coffee additive) and suddenly felt very lonely.
I don’t do ‘lonely’.
I like my own company.
So let me tell you, this feeling was quite a surprise to me!
From spitting out an unidentified flying protein, to contemplating my shelf life.
Just. Like. That.
Ms. Independent will be Ms. Depends.
Tutting at ‘those kids today’ and shuffling around in house slippers.
Probably eating bugs and not even realizing it.
Good news is I’m good at ‘alone’.
Earlier a THUD came from my bedroom. Without even thinking about it, I calmly got up and went to investigate.
It’s seriously ridiculous how unafraid I am of bumps in the night. I’d make for a boring horror movie.
They’d start the ‘increasingly intense’ music, pan to me rolling my eyes and lazily getting up to check out the threat.
“Cut! Can you try to look concerned?”
“Yeah – sure.” *Sigh*
“ANNNND – ACTION!”
Thud. Eyeroll. Feigned mild concern.
“Cut!”
_____________________
Maybe it’s because I know monsters don’t live in the dark – and that people who mean you harm don’t wait for you to turn out the lights …
Or maybe, it’s because I’ve vanquished so many monsters that the only things that alarm me are bugs in my coffee – and the prospect of depends.
Musings from the Laundromat: Little Basket, Blue Ticket and Panty Lines
8:15 a.m.
The ground is wet outside from a recent storm that passed through our thirsty desert – the sky is clear, birds are singing – and I’m sat in an almost empty laundromat at a table that is always my 3rd choice to perch at.
There is a couple at the ‘umbrella table’. I regarded them as I stuffed two washing machines to their capacity. (I was stuffing mostly because I was too lazy to stop half way through and go back to the ‘Value Transfer Machine’ and add more money to my laundry card.) As I was doing this, another couple came in the back door.
“Still here huh?”
“Yeah” said the umbrella table couple.
I wanted to interject some sarcasm – but kept my head down and stuffed. Why do we do that? Confirm that people right in front of us are, in fact, actually there? Or ask acquaintances that we see in a grocery store or a bank “Hi! What are you doing here?”
8:30 a.m.
I noticed this little tiny laundry basket unattended when I first sat down.
Can you see it? Barely? That’s how little it is. I sat and wondered, while typing, who the owner of the basket was and how much laundry could possibly fit in it to warrant a trip here.
I mean seriously, compare the hangers to the basket and probably, what, only 5 shirts?
Mystery was solved for me.
There are now bags on the folding table as the owner of the little tiny basket returned.
That’s more than 5 shirts.
The basket was a red herring.
He’s back outside in his car now – not before bending over at the dryers and giving me an eyefull that made a very clear point that Mr. Little Basket needs a belt.
8:40 a.m.
Time to check my washing machines.
8:45 a.m.
They were finished. And I ended up making that trip to the ‘Value Transfer Machine’ after I also stuffed the driers and realized they would need more time to successfully dry my stuffings.
Why do I have so much laundry today?? Nic must have worn every pair of jeans, shorts and t-shirts he owned last week. OR (and this is probably closer to the truth) I’ve just washed clean clothes that somehow returned to his hamper.
I found these in his pockets – another mystery!
The receipt is for Carls Jr. – no mystery there – but the ticket! Hmmm … wonder when he got that. Is there a prize on the line? Or did it grant him access to a meal somewhere. And if it is food related, why is he going to Carls Jr. and blue ticket places without me?
8:55 a.m.
Okay, since I’ve shared about other’s laundry, I’ll tell you a funny story about me.
Yesterday I was getting dressed while half awake – and as I was walking from the closet to my master bathroom, I noticed something in the mirror.
You know I’ve been working out, and I’m actually seeing results. There are muscles on my belly where no muscles have been before. It’s really quite exciting.
So I’m walking – and noticing – and my eyes widen and I think “Oh! That is a LOT of definition!’
I got closer to the mirror and felt like a complete idiot.
Here is a photo of what I saw (only much blurrier in reality)
It was the string of my underwear.
Hey! From across the room it looked an awful lot like that ‘V’ I see on muscle-y people going from their hips on down!
I laughed pretty hard at that before I took the photo.
9:05 a.m.
Time to wrap this up and do the ‘Drier Dance’. This is when I snatch dry items out, while leaving the damp items in to continue on their tumble, and shuffle back and forth to the folding tables.
Oh! Thought you’d like to see how capable ‘Little Basket’ was of holding things.
This looks like a complete set of bedding!
Morals of today’s musings:
Never judge a man by the size of his laundry basket
If someone is right in front of you, they’re probably there
Underwear is not a muscle.
Hot Friday night with Groin pulls and Burpees
Day 4:
I shed my ‘noob’ status tonight during Cardio. Broke a decent sweat AND … wait for it … had my first work-out injury!
I blame the side lunge – which, didn’t hurt so much at first (because I was doing it wrong – I’ve decided I know when I’m not doing a move right when it doesn’t hurt) but then “Don’t quit on yourself” trainer showed me how to do it right and – ping! OR! It could have been the skater jump? It’s all a blur.
Anyway, I’m a pro now – I’ve been working out for four whole days now you know – so of course, I worked through the pain.
I was also introduced to ‘Burpees’. I wouldn’t have minded NOT being introduced to ‘Burpees’ instead, perhaps just waving politely to them from across the room. I quit on myself a few times during those.
I’ve decided that it’s quality, not quantity – and while I didn’t put that method into practice tonight – I will tomorrow should I encounter an exercise that I find difficult. (And let’s face it, the odds of that happening are pretty good.)
Oh! Incase you scanned over that second to last sentence, I did say ‘tomorrow’. Yes, Saturday. I did not know this.
I had decided, that in my son’s absence (he’s on a trip with his girlfriend) that I was going to take tomorrow off. Do nothing but relax, watch movies … then do all my chores and the night job with him when he returned on Sunday.
Nope.
Facebook message from the trainer that I work with (Don’t quit on yourself’s pretty partner) said tomorrow at 8 a.m. we’re working out!
I’ll make a day of it. Workout, laundromat, grocery store, house cleaning and then do the offices by myself tomorrow night.
That should be enough activity to make up for the few times I phoned it in during some of the tougher cardio.
I shall now limp off to my room and lean on Butters while I try to peel out of my sweaty clothes.
‘The 21 day Fix’ – Or, ‘What the hell? Is that Amanda Exercising?!?’
So, in the interest of bonding with my co-workers – and having decided it was time to tone up, I joined ‘the 21 day fix’
It takes place after work in our aptly named ‘training room’.
It was a lot easier standing up and speaking in front of the agents earlier today during the meeting, than it was planking on a mat later in the same room.
Not needing to lose weight, I’m skipping the diet part. But I shall share my foray into exercise with you by journaling a couple of days at a time.
Day 1: I didn’t have a mat. Was advised they’d get me one because I wouldn’t want rug burn. (Since it was just us girls in the room at the time, I confessed that it’s been a long time since I’ve had rug burn and wasn’t sure if I minded.) But, okay, guess I needed a mat.
I thought there was a warm up? Why are we running in place and doing jumping jacks without stretching? Oh – this is the warm up?? Ok. I can do this.
Push ups … um … for someone who doesn’t weigh much, it’s sure as hell hard to push that small weight up with my little arms!
Sit ups – I had to be doing them wrong, because they didn’t hurt.
The trainer next to me, with muscles where I didn’t know muscles could be born, was ‘feeling’ it. WTH?
I was not feeling it. At all. Wait! No! I did feel it in my neck. That’s when I laid down on the mat, thinking I was being responsible. After all, if I’m doing it wrong – this … circular sit up – then I should probably not do it right? “Don’t quit on yourself!” Oh god.
There were weights and scissor sit ups and then – the planking.
I’ve tried this before, and wondered what all the fuss was about. Easy!!! Um, not so much when you’ve already awoken your muscles and done dozens of push ups! Okay, four … FOUR push ups.
I am pathetic.
I assumed since I could carry 12 grocery bags in the house after opening and closing the gate with 1 finger, I was in shape.
I assumed since I can lift desks, couches and filing cabinets without complaint – I was in shape.
I assumed that since I could carry a wriggling, 70 pound hairy manatee into the bath tub, after chasing her around the house – I was in shape.
I am not in shape.
My arms and ‘pectorals’ (I was calling them boob muscles) are quivering. I’m actually tired – and I did the “I worked out! I think I’ll eat something healthy for dinner!” thing.
This week should be good. Good for post fodder anyway.
_______________________________
Day 2: Lower fix.
I almost bowed out tonight. My cold had come stomping back into my head like it owned the place this morning. But I took the determined and stubborn route, had my son bring medicine and decided I was NOT going to bow out.
I’m in this now – and I don’t quit!
My first thought, as I waited patiently in my work out clothes was, okay, no problem! I’m flexible! My legs are “strong like ox.” Only, I’m home now, and they feel about as strong as “newborn calf” (No pun intended.)
A work friend who always gives me a hard time (it’s our thing we do – he’s not being cruel) was behind me tonight – and not in the supportive sense of the word. He kept making me laugh, which made holding poses that already had me quivering even more difficult.
In front of me – “Don’t quit on yourself” trainer. I was sandwiched.
You know how avid joggers and exercisers talk about breaking that pain barrier and getting that exercise high? I haven’t experienced that yet. But I did ‘feel it’ in my thighs and arse tonight, AND, I broke a sweat! So, that’s one small step lunge for womankind.
My favorite part is still the warm down. And any exercise that has us on the ground.
I’m hungry.
Considering my pre-work out snack was 4 boxes of conversation hearts and cold medicine, this is not surprising.
Good thing I’m not doing the diet part.
Tomorrow is Pilates! I’m going out on a stretchy limb and assuming my assumption that it will be easy is wrong.
But I’m doin’ it anyway!
18 more to go! (I missed the first one if you’re doing the math.)
Yeah, that busy.
I feel like an overstimulated toddler … overly tired, mind racing – having spent another day learning and trying such a variety of new things!
It’s a good feeling.
My new position has definitely kept my mind from wandering to any places it shouldn’t be right now.
The most bizarre thing happened today.
I was multi-tasking, and standing at the front desk while touching my thumb to my index and middle finger – when I felt ‘wet’.
I glanced at my hand … blood.
Enough blood that the ‘wet’ was not just a ‘sticky’ or ‘tacky’ feeling – but as if I had too much lotion on my hand.
I glanced around my body … where???
My right wrist was bleeding – and I had one hand in the air and my wrist before me as a customer walked in.
I sought out the agent she had come for while trying to think what in the world I could have done to cut my wrist and not know it, and getting a band-aid from her well stocked drawer. (She seriously has everything in that drawer.)
THIS is how occupied my mind has been. Forgetting I’m hungry until my stomach loudly growls, forgetting to go to the bathroom until my bladder cries out – and I LOVE it.
I am definitely a person who thrives on variety and the opportunity to learn!
I’m also the kind of person who can’t ‘clock out’ in my head.
On the drive home I was preparing a power point presentation in my head, reminding myself to follow-up with someone I’ve asked to instruct a class and having conversations with people I won’t talk to until tomorrow.
I need to find a solution for that. Meditation? That’s almost begging for disaster.
I can’t sit still.
Not for a movie, not for a conversation – I pause half-hour TV shows for crying out loud!
Then there’s the fact that I think too much. Just typing that sentence I recalled several examples, listened to part of a commercial and wondered about the validity of the product and noticed my dog wants to go outside.
Meditation …
If I could break the barrier of my mind – and be still, it could work.
I’ll just have to be sure to wear armor so as not to incur any unexplained cuts!
Debauchery Soup 