Category Archives: Gratitude
Appreciating life – and loving what is.
I am fully aware I will eventually lose everything I’ve got. I mean, we are all are terminal – we will all die. But have I taken people for granted? Absolutely.
But while we’re living, I’ve learned a few things.
Especially lately.
I grew in 2015.
I learned that something I held to be true for 25 years was myth.
I learned that I CAN heal quicker than I thought.
I learned that I am capable of SO many lows and still keep my head above circumstantial water and breathe.
I also learned, or rather – decided – everything does NOT happen for a reason.
Sometimes shite happens. Just … Because. Life is random. The chaos theory comes to mind. And I believe in that. Something happens and triggers something – also, if you’re positive or negative, you ARE dictating you day/life.
But more than often, life ‘happens’ as it should.
Sounds like I’m debasing my theory, but the bottom line is when someone takes an action, it causes another action. Not ‘meant to be.’ We have a choice. A choice how to react and that, in turn, results in an outcome in your head – in your life.
I have intentions of having mostly positive thoughts to attract positive things in 2016 – and no, that’s not a resolution, it’s a hope.
So, the fact that I’m typing this, still missing my mum and mourning my Nannie’s imminent passing is … I don’t know what it is.
I know I’ve also learned these things.
My dad is lost without my mum.
I’m trying so hard to be there. To do what my mum would want.
At the same time, I have my home, and my work week and I still have a son who needs me.
I’m so glad he needs me.
Not in the ‘I can’t live without you’ way, but – in the, ‘Show me how to ‘adult’ and help me with college way.
My gorgeous son.
So down to the ‘downer’ part.
One conversation with my mum, I’m not sharing more:
And every day it’s the same sort of conversation. How are YOU doing? How is Nannie doing? And it’s been a month w/out my Mum. And I so appreciate her and miss her and love her.
When I brought up what I HATED … I loved her response
Talk about positive.
I have a mother spending every day with my dying Nannie and still can appreciate the bulbs of flowers coming to fruition and knowing what is important.
Being there.
Just being there.
For the person she loves and who needs her.
And still has the energy to tell someone not to be jaded.
I have a new love for my mother.
I will not take anything for granted anymore.
I will love what I love and be who I am and live in the moment.
Because we all know (don’t we?) that today is a gift.
This morning, my gift was opening two eyes.
Star Wars – NO SPOILERS
I don’t know of any movie that has made such an impact on my life, or a direction in which I would go ‘geek-ely’ than Star Wars.
I remember being in primary school and pretending to be Princess Leia.
I remember loving Luke (which is so funny because today, my taste runs more to Han.)
I also owe all of this to my dad – who ‘nerded’ me out. With not just Star Wars, but Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (Original tapes and books.)
Bottom line, I am a Star Wars fan forever.
I learned Princesses didn’t have to lose their shoes at midnight – or ‘quaint’ themselves into a forever after. I learned that they could rebel – knew how to shoot and could call the man after their heart a ‘Scoundrel’ and still love them.
I bought tickets, despite our current family situation to see the new Star Wars, and there was no way I was leaving my dad out.
And there was no way I was leaving my son out.
3 generations sitting and watching the original cast in a new movie!!!
I could barely sleep last night – we were to view Star Wars – The Force Awakens at 10:30 a.m. My time, 9:30 a.m. My dad’s time.
Tickets purchased … Ready to go!
Got there early to ensure a good seat.
Yup, that’s me. Lol.
I took my own photo of being ‘First in Line’
I never mind waiting for anything.
I adore anticipation.
We had a line behind us come opening time.
And yet, my dad hadn’t arrived.
As soon as I turned in my online reservations for tickets, I sent Nic off to grab the seats I wanted. Middle – Center. He left. I got the popcorn and drinks and of course, the BB8 straws.
C’mon! We NEEDED them! LOL!
Kept going out to the concession stand – no dad.
Kept going.
Kept going.
Finally, before the previews, gave the ticket taker his ticket and said, ” Look for a cross between ‘Santa’ and ‘Jerry Garcia’.
He assured me he would.
Then came the movie.
The minute the symphony began – I cried. And as the words scrolled across the screen, Nic reached for my hand.
I asked him later why, hoping for the right answer and I got it.
Because I was crying, and because HE was excited.
I’ll never forget him trying to NOT go pee at the last 15 minutes of the movie .
“Mom, I loosened my belt … shifted my pants – but I HAD to go!! WHAT DID I MISS?”
Ever see your kid run? I did. LOL! Running back to his seat.
I had peed 3 times at least from excitement.
Not during the movie though – oh, no, no no!
SO! To sum it up, my dad thought it was tonight (I never leave home after dark lol)
And as for the movie. I’m BURSTING wanting to share, but won’t.
Just know that some major players in the first movies (old school) carry this film.
AND, Just know, yes, it’s worth seeing. Yes, you’ll tear up seeing our familiar faces.
It’s definitely for the new generation of Star Wars lovers, and as it should be. Star Wars should carry on – FOREVER!
Random (‘Packed full of Action and Emotion- said in movie guy voice) Tuesday.
A special Tuesday update for you – where I’ll share my blonde moment, my home inspection, my imminent matricide, my Cantina rock and my current non-merriness.
I rent. Today was my annual home inspection. I was to leave work @ noonish, herd Butters in order for the inspector to go about her work and then return to mine.
First things first, I removed a piece I wrote about my Nannie as it hurt a couple of people – but, it is fair to say I’m hurting too and needed an outlet. She’s currently in hospital and my mum is with her. Other than that being 90% of what I’m thinking about lately, comes the selfish: “I don’t have MY mum for Christmas” and “I don’t feel merry this Christmas.”
I called my dad tonight to tell him if he’s still in the country I would come over Christmas and cook dinner there.
“There’s nothing under the tree.” He said.
“That doesn’t matter. Mum would want this and we’re family.” I said.
He’s happy just grabbing a Christmas pizza, but I know for a fact my mum wants her pets and husband to have a family Christmas.
It’s all just creeping up in running shoes though.
Today I spoke to a work vendor who told me she was taking next week off.
“Oh! That’s nice!” I said.
“Yes,” she went on to say, “Christmas week off.”
Wait – WHAT?
Next week is Christmas week?!!
I have SO much to do – and everyday is filled with such uncertainty (as most days are I suppose.)
But trying to figure out who is going to be where and how to make the ones I love not feel so lonely on Christmas is driving me up a wall.
(Yeah, my first world problems again eh? Not knowing if we’ll be together – yet, I still have them. I have no room to complain.)
I DO have to go shopping. I DO have to get presents and put them under our tiny tree, and also my parents tree.
I love giving. Only wish I could give more. Feel useless here while my mum is living “Groundhogs Day” Get up. Go to hospital. Go to where she’s staying. Do it all over again.
SO! There’s that. All of that is just to make another point too – I certainly don’t feel with ANY spare time like making my ugly little vintage single wide into a castle for an inspector. So I hadn’t scrubbed every window cill or re-grouted anything. I honestly thought? “F*&% it, I’m one of the best tenants they have and this old thing is clean all the time. Take me or leave me.”
Let’s lighten it up a bit eh?
This morning – I was leaving for work and noticed it was 32 degrees outside. I actually noticed this BEFORE I decided “Oh my, my windshield is a tad dirty – I should wash it off.” And proceeded to spray and wipe.
Um.
I’m driving as I did this. And – hey, presto! I made ice! All by myself. And then felt foolish as other neighbors were pulling out of their driveways seeing my ice-pop of a windshield. And probably thinking, “How did we survive that ice storm?” *Sigh*
Onto the inspection. It went well. The lady has been the same one checking my cell (oops!) home for 5 years. She commented on Butters gaining weight – remembered the first inspection when Nic was making food in the kitchen (as he was today) and also told me (as Jim was still on the inspection card) “Oh honey, you’re so BEAUTIFUL, I can’t believe he would go.”
Insert lemon and salt here – because at the time, she was photographing my bathroom – yeah, that’s always fun, the intrusive photos – (I made sure this morning that my undies were not on the top of the laundry basket!) and I still have a photo of Jim and I on a shelf.
No, I’m not holding out hope of reuniting at this point, but I will always love him and the photo makes me happy.
But there’s that too. I miss him. This is a holiday where just – um – ‘suck!’ is happening. You can’t blame me for not sparking up the mini-tree at night.
Let’s skip straight to the ‘murder plan’. I’m back at work, and get an instant message from Nic:
Please know, I was only asking “For?” Because I wasn’t sure if he was just visiting – or spending the night – do I lock the door? Turn out the front porch light?
No, I’m really that nosey when it comes to Nic anymore.
Had an amazing weekend with him and his beautiful, wonderful, smart girlfriend … AND got to see Nic make her breakfast! Chocolate chip waffles and eggs (remember, this is the ‘kid’ I was terrified would outgrow me and how could I POSSIBLY live? lol)
One thing I AM excited about, especially with the few words I’m allowing myself to see about it – is Star Wars! I am avoiding ALL spoilers. Saturday I will be a quivering mess of nostalgia and excitement and at 10:30 my time, be sitting in a movie theater ready to have my mind blown by J.J. Abrams.
Back to the rock.
Here it is:
I instantly saw a certain Cantina band member in it. ^_^
So, life is bonkers. Life is odd. Life doesn’t take our plans into consideration – but … life is SO beautiful. And I’m so glad for the compassion my mum has, the job I have, the home I have, the things I see in rocks … the woman in my son’s life that isn’t me. I’m so grateful for forgetting to shop – because, the material side of Christmas is so … material. But, as I said, I’ll be doing it.
I’m grateful for my friends.
I’m grateful for all of you that take time to read this – and those who have told me I make a difference. And those who have encouraged me NOT to edit.
Just know, sometimes, it IS selfish to post something when others are hurting.
And I won’t forget that lesson.
xxxxxxxxxx Love you all.
Musings from the Laundromat: Unbrushed hair and Gratitude with a Stranger edition.
I’m going to have to start coming here on Saturday’s versus my usual Sunday’s. Once again the laundromat was already a hustle and bustle of carts and clothes and people.
I woke at 7:50 and didn’t even bother to brush my hair in order to get here before the crowd – probably I should have taken that extra minute because it didn’t make a difference.
Laundry Lady has bronchitis, but she’s here. And still has a smile on her face. I’d love to know more about her. With the limited time she has to talk to me each week, it would be hard to interview her.
I also got to see Glaucoma Man. He is feeling good and received positive news about his heart.
“I was thinking about you – and here you are.” He said.
Odd isn’t it? That random people think of you.
Odd and sweet.
I have much cleaning to do today – home inspection on Tuesday. Not that my home is ever a disgrace, but I suppose I’m pulling the equivalent of a woman fixing their hair before going to a salon.
This from the woman who didn’t even brush her hair this morning.
I should have been doing that yesterday, but for some reason Turner Classic Movies sucked me in and I found myself watching movies from the 1940’s and enjoying doing nothing.
Now I’m watching people fold – thinking of all I still have to do and glancing at the timer on my dryers.
Oh, one more thing. I was outside earlier and a man I’d never met before said, “What a way to spend the morning eh?” I smiled and said, “I just think about all those who would give anything to be here. ” Then added, “Look at that view.”
And we both stood and took in the gorgeous mountain range and for that moment were united in gratitude.
Two strangers just taking in the beauty of what is around us.
“Yeah.” He said.
Yeah.
The Octopus in the room
Ok. I’m going to give this a go. I am keyboardless and, as well as my fingers fly over an actual keyboard, is how NOT well the touch screen thing works for me. I’m awful at it. Which I think is partly the reason my ‘pay as you go’ cell phone terrifies me. The whole’ touch’ ‘swipe’ thingy combined with auto-correct, back up and do it again thing is like a bizarre millennial hokey pokey.
I didn’t want to open like this, and if I had a keyboard, it would start like this:
I’m scaring my dog.
Then it would go on to say:
She sticks close by, unsure of my current mood. Or, like yesterday, sticks close, positive of it.
I was alone and having one of the worst spells I’ve had in a while. Ms. Agnostic hit her knees and prayed “PLEASE don’t let me die right now. Not today.”
My heart was acting up big time. I could barely walk Butters. I took the three steps down to our yard and though, “oh my god, I can’t do this.”
But I had to do it. She needs me.
It was a quick walk around the yard, and when I came in, I felt like calling an ambulance. My face was flushed, heart pounding, dizzy. Yeah, taking the dog out to pee.
I know the difference between a ‘spell’ and my ever-increasing anxiety attacks. This popped up in my news feed the other day and I thought, “Yes!.”
Used to be I had a few triggers. Now, I have an arsenal. The screaming from the house next door, a weird sound coming from my car, crowds … Any sort of dispute in my ear shot. Now, add changing lanes in traffic, Butters taking off and barking in the yard.
My poor nails try daily to grow, but I hinder them and their quest.
I’m alienating friends, scaring off others. The only time I feel comfortable is at work or with my son.
Even when I DO ‘reach out’ I can’t find the right words and come off as a psycho.
My sleeping pattern is off. I’ve gained weight, which, is a good thing … But, I haven’t been trying.
top all of this off with my Nannie who has been in the hospital for a while.
I feel like I don’t get to say how much she means to me, because someone might be offended.
I also feel like someone may be offended by sharing my current state of, let’s just say it … Depression.
I am still quite capable of seeing ‘good’, I just don’t feel capable of participating in it.
Poor little Christmas tree is barely ever lit. I’m not counting Christmas down in ‘how many sleeps!!’
I’m just here.
And mostly smiling all day and then scaring the dog when I sit on my bed and cry.
But I did just notice my purse looking like a weird octopus, so I still have that.
(Cartoon art credit to Hyberbole and a Half … Please don’t sue me.)
Debauchery Soup 