Category Archives: Gratitude
An honest conversation.
You would think today I would have an opinion of a certain party and an inauguration.
I do, of course, but, it’s not foremost in my mind.
My mind is endlessly thinking of a woman I love.
The woman I connected with and understand.
The woman fighting stage 4 cancer.
Thing is … As much as I don’t edit myself with people, I don’t with her either.
When she was well, she never co-signed my bullshit. And I SO appreciated that!
Got to talk to her tonight.
I think she finds it refreshing. No platitudes. Just “So, what the heck? What do they say?” No “I’m praying for you.”
But I am.
To the God I don’t believe in.
I do like to keep it real and then SHE gets to keep it real with ME!
I get the full Monty, no editing.
And I get to ask again the questions other people avoid.
I love her too much not to know.
I love her too much not to be myself, and walk on eggshells. ‘Healthy her’ would HATE that!
Don’t get me wrong, I have bawled my eyeballs right out … Put them back in and ‘Amanda’d’ up!
Because, while I can be honest, and handle her honesty, I still have a very sick friend and it tears me up inside.
Next time I’m in line at the bank and people are bitching, I’ll say, not my usual, but “You realize, I have a friend that can’t even STAND UP and would give ANYTHING to be waiting in this fucking line!”
Don’t doubt it.
I’ll do it!
Year end Review … 2016
First of all, HELLO! Finally got triple A batteries for my keyboard so I can reach out and post!
Well, well, well. After 2015 I was so certain of my future. I would be eaten by my abundance of cats and alone in pajamas.
This is why I’m glad I have a dog … Although, Butters would probably eat me too.
Not that I should worry so much about that anymore. 2016 brought someone very unexpected into my life.
We started out chatting I knew OF him since 6th grade but we weren’t in the same ‘clique’
That was then – this is now:
As a result of falling for this person, I overcame a HUGE fear. FLYING.
Bonkers, because I have flown so many times … mostly to and from England.
I was not afraid then.
It just got to a point where I was TERRIFIED of flying.
But, I needed to see Dante.
AND! I did it. Not once, not twice, but three times!!!!!!!! That’s 6 flights in 2016! I DID IT!
Started out in the aisle, kept my eyes on the air attendants. If they didn’t look panicky, I had no need to be. The other thing that helped me, that I think will help you? Once you’re going a certain “MPH” it’s like being in ‘Jello’ in the sky. Jello! Keep saying that to yourself. No, you’re not going to ever ‘fall out of the sky’.
OK, so I found love. I found hope.
BUT!
My kidlet is still leaving.
My baby.
You have your favorite person that you count on?
That’s been my kid for 21 years.
I haven’t even had a relationship longer than 5 years. My relationship with my son is THE ONE.
We have the same sense of humor, but he’s taken it to another level. He has talents I’ll never have. And not once, NOT ONCE has he made me feel ‘lacking’. Ever.
We can talk about anything. Always have.
Here’s the thing.
He’s moving so far away! To Kentucky. And the trip will be a treacherous one with snow, ice and other things he’s not had to navigate through.
Yes, I know the only way to learn how to do something is to DO it … but, there’s so much riding on such a long trip. I’m very scared. Not that I doubt his abilities, but such a drive with so much on the line … and other people on the road whose abilities I don’t know or trust. Bottom line – I’ll be holding my breath for 3 days. Thinking of nothing but him and waiting to hear his voice safely stopped for the night.
I have to accept that he’s making his decisions and I will never stop being afraid of them.
Then, last but clearly not least, those we lost this year … My beautiful Nannie and Tiny the cat.
I am now at that age also when friends and loved ones are receiving bad health news.
It barely felt like Christmas this year – I had very little joy in my heart. With so much change in the forecast.
I no longer care about ‘getting’ anything. I have too much! Too much ‘stuff” If I’m being honest, my favorite gift this year was a card. A card. From my guy. My second favorite, a ‘promise ring’. We’re taking things slowly.
It may just stay like this. Apart – but knowing someone in the world loves us.
I hope Nic feels that when we’re apart too.
I’ll always hold him tightly in my heart – while he spreads his wings and explores life as an adult.
Of Cords – Extension and Umbilical
My current status …
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoLBXtTMyO8
I’ve been pretty, um, I want to say ’emotional’ but, truth be told I’ve been a completely withdrawn, passive aggressive bitch. Not just to my son.
It’s as if I want people not to like me so that it will be easy to wean myself off of them.
There’s four pretty significant things getting me down lately – but I’ll just speak on this one.
How to drive home January 6th 2017, not see my son’s car outside of our home and not completely shatter.
Let me clarify again, I am very happy for him. I am very proud that he’s leaping headfirst into the world. I am terrified of his 27 hour trek across the States however.
And fuck! I’m going to miss my kid!!!!!!!
He is the only person I know or have ever met that can make me laugh every single day! The only person I can be completely myself around and be certain I’ll be loved.
Obviously my bitchy depressed mode hasn’t gone unnoticed by him.
Evidenced by, not only my attitude, but the fact that in spite of hosting Thanksgiving this year, I hadn’t one shred of Christmas up.
I’m usually the eager Christmas beaver, wanting to festoon my home as soon as it is socially acceptable. Not this year. I had no joy. No excitement. I also spent the whole 4 1/2 days, other than Thanksgiving day, in my room.
This past Sunday, after the laundromat, I shrugged back into my pajamas and settled in to continue my very important 4 day activity … being horizontal while attending my Netflix pity party binge.
In walks my son.
Him: Let’s go to Oatman for lunch. My treat.
Me: I don’t want to go to Oatman. I was going to take a nap.
Him: OK, I’m going to get ready, then we’ll go to Oatman.
Me: Nic … I really don’t want to go anywhere.
Him: OK, we’ll go to the Hualapai’s instead.
Me: No! That’s too far!
Him: OK, Oatman it is.
He left. And I lay with remote in hand – 3 day old pajamas and a body awash in guilt.
The countdown has begun for the end of this chapter with my favorite person. And I have been pushing him away instead of making each moment count.
I got up.
Ran a brush through my hair.
Swiped my eyelashes with mascara – colored my pale lips.
Dressed warmly – the gray skies were threatening to water our desert.
And found him.
And off we went.
And the moment we began driving my spirits lifted. I was already laughing before we reached our highway.
We encountered a burro blockage as we approached our destination.
Burro was not budging.
The closer we came to Oatman, the more the burros. Here was our escort.
We parked and sauntered into the town we’ve spent so much time together.
Stopped in all the old familiar places. Enjoyed the warmth of an old fireplace as we ate lunch.
And then …
And then it occurred to me this might be the last time we did so together … alone.
My heart ached.
And as if on cue, as my eyes welled, the skies opened – and we walked in the rain. Unfazed by it. We have that in common – our love for the rain.
We took our time heading for the car.
Took our time driving.
Stopped. Enjoyed more time in the rain.
I can honestly say the day ranked up there … one of the top 10 days I’ve ever spent with my baby. My ‘baby’ who has become man enough to understand and to put up with my mood swings. Man enough to know that I needed that nudge.
I put our small tree up.
I’ve yet to find an extension cord in order to light it, but it’s a significant beginning.
And as for my sweet son and his upcoming departure? His significant beginning? I’m learning there’s no need for the cord that once joined us.
He’ll continue to make me laugh – from afar.
He won’t stop loving me nor I him.
It will be a slow process for me – learning how to live in a home he no longer shares with me.
And it will be an exciting and strengthening process for him … learning how to ‘adult’ and not having to share a home with me.
Musings from home and mostly about Facebook.
Facebook.
People use it for different reasons – different ideas, different content.
Me?
About my kid
“What doesn’t kill you makes me stronger” I said, after loading myself like an unwilling donkey with 5 bags of food and hygiene products, a large bag of dog food under my arm and my purse.
“You chose those things to carry and then complain about carrying them”
So much truth to that.
I do that.
Burden. Then get so wound up that I complain.
Martyr.
I see it now, I honestly didn’t before.
Dishes in the sink: “Do them! They don’t need soaking!”
End up doing them.
And it’s not because he won’t, because he has. I have this OCD thing and my kid has had to live with all my idiosyncrasies and not only survived them, but thrived!
My son is the funniest person I know. Has the best taste in music. Has the most amazing things to say that blow my mind away …. And I had nothing to do with that.
I had the most amazing pregnancy with him. No morning sickness, skin glowed, hair and nails flourished. Couldn’t wait to ‘meet’ him. Honestly, after he was born, I missed carrying him.
But, he was here! And I bumped into his crib ‘accidentally’ so he’d wake up and I could hold him.
And I never stopped. Never stopped adoring him.
Anyway, this ones for you and thank you.
Debauchery Soup 