Blog Archives

it is in the pause

 

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It is in the quiet moments

the noticing of shadows

Light

solitary mornings

starry skied nights

head tilted back

staring

 

It is in moments of pause

between a thought

and writing it down

It is while I swallow

Exhale

Sigh

 

When I smile without witness

Cry without agenda

Shiver at the beauty of a song

Close my heavy lids and yawn

It is when I lose myself in a thought

 

It is when I gaze upon my child

think of my love

and notice my blessings

that there is peace

silence

truth

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Pass as Paper

Some weeks pass as paper – crossed off day by day.

I’ve begun to feel the future as a countdown to ‘too late’.

It used to be different – there was something to look forward to

at the completion of inked slashes.

A trip – a birthday – the arrival of a visitor.

I forget to change the page anymore.

One day winds into the next –

a weekend not even two days.

“Where has the month gone?”

I hear this – I say nothing.

I’m agreeing in silent thought.

timeseeds

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Where has it gone.

Where has the last year gone.

Waiting and crossing days off in my head.

Special days arrive unfulfilled

Mentally crossed off.

My trust and faith chipping away.

Jaded.

Used.

Exhausted.

Turning pages of a cowards calendar.

 

 

 

Sharp grasses

My mind buzzes like flying things – resting in sharp grasses.

A new thought becomes a rock, tossed into my nest.

Distruption – panicked flight.

In the air and frantically assessing! 

Slowing to settle back onto ground

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Caramels

I sometimes sit and watch people and cock my head in wonder.
Other people confuse me.
I don’t understand you.
Not because I don’t care or because I’m incapable.

But because I am unlike you
and like you …
but mostly, I feel so very unlike you.

But I am empathetic.
Sympathetic.
I feel you.

If I saw a discarded sweet box in your garbage can, I would buy you caramels.

I just never quite fit in.
Or understand the rules.

I seem always to be the girl who says too much,
feels too much,
thinks too much.

I laugh too loud, emote too publicly.
I cannot hide my exuberance or my sadness.

I have a giant world in my head and heart!
Colorful, fantastic, dark and macabre
Consistent extremes
Always there – always.

I have conversations with you in my head.
“Do you want to just watch movies and eat cake?”
“Yeah! Sure!”
“Can you bring cake?”

I share some of my world with a few
On my terms
And occasionally I’m pulled from my comfort zone because i want to please you.

My special friends are always there
They don’t expect me to be like them
They embrace the parts of my world I show them

Real people tucked inside my head
Characters in my internal play
Scenarios imagined – scripts written
And we eat my caramels
and share your cake

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2013

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Filled with moments I’ve learned to treasure

and to stay in as long as I could

I’ve laughed with my whole heart

lingered there until the last exhale

I learned to cry

to release – but not to wallow

let tears fall … tasted them on my lips

the salt remembered.

Felt with each tick of the clock, page of the calendar

my mortality

life’s frailty

urgency to live

To savor.

My brushes have been wet with color –  hands covered with clay

My fingers typed so many words!

some that made a difference

many that did not.

My arms have circled family

friends

felt the warmth of what is truly valuable.

I’ve tasted such wondrous things!

Felt my soul soar to crescendo with arias and duets in my ears

Read books I could not put down

been shown new worlds

new ideas

rhythmic sentences

paralyzing paragraphs

I mourned their completion.

I’ve been enchanted by new love

watched my son fall into it

… for the first time

waves of emotion ebbed and flowed – the mother in me releasing her grasp …

(but never letting go)

I’m allowing hope to spread its wings

bracing myself to be brave

to let change

to let love

to let God

I celebrate with my heart this New Years Eve

not with clinking glass

I celebrate all that was

all that was not

all that will be

I celebrate the student I’ve become

and the mystery that’s me.

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