It is in the quiet moments
the noticing of shadows
starry skied nights
head tilted back
It is in moments of pause
between a thought
and writing it down
It is while I swallow
When I smile without witness
Cry without agenda
Shiver at the beauty of a song
Close my heavy lids and yawn
It is when I lose myself in a thought
It is when I gaze upon my child
think of my love
and notice my blessings
that there is peace
Some weeks pass as paper – crossed off day by day.
I’ve begun to feel the future as a countdown to ‘too late’.
It used to be different – there was something to look forward to
at the completion of inked slashes.
A trip – a birthday – the arrival of a visitor.
I forget to change the page anymore.
One day winds into the next –
a weekend not even two days.
“Where has the month gone?”
I hear this – I say nothing.
I’m agreeing in silent thought.
Where has it gone.
Where has the last year gone.
Waiting and crossing days off in my head.
Special days arrive unfulfilled
Mentally crossed off.
My trust and faith chipping away.
Turning pages of a cowards calendar.
I sometimes sit and watch people and cock my head in wonder.
Other people confuse me.
I don’t understand you.
Not because I don’t care or because I’m incapable.
But because I am unlike you
and like you …
but mostly, I feel so very unlike you.
But I am empathetic.
I feel you.
If I saw a discarded sweet box in your garbage can, I would buy you caramels.
I just never quite fit in.
Or understand the rules.
I seem always to be the girl who says too much,
feels too much,
thinks too much.
I laugh too loud, emote too publicly.
I cannot hide my exuberance or my sadness.
I have a giant world in my head and heart!
Colorful, fantastic, dark and macabre
Always there – always.
I have conversations with you in my head.
“Do you want to just watch movies and eat cake?”
“Can you bring cake?”
I share some of my world with a few
On my terms
And occasionally I’m pulled from my comfort zone because i want to please you.
My special friends are always there
They don’t expect me to be like them
They embrace the parts of my world I show them
Real people tucked inside my head
Characters in my internal play
Scenarios imagined – scripts written
And we eat my caramels
and share your cake
Filled with moments I’ve learned to treasure
and to stay in as long as I could
I’ve laughed with my whole heart
lingered there until the last exhale
I learned to cry
to release – but not to wallow
let tears fall … tasted them on my lips
the salt remembered.
Felt with each tick of the clock, page of the calendar
urgency to live
My brushes have been wet with color – hands covered with clay
My fingers typed so many words!
some that made a difference
many that did not.
My arms have circled family
felt the warmth of what is truly valuable.
I’ve tasted such wondrous things!
Felt my soul soar to crescendo with arias and duets in my ears
Read books I could not put down
been shown new worlds
I mourned their completion.
I’ve been enchanted by new love
watched my son fall into it
… for the first time
waves of emotion ebbed and flowed – the mother in me releasing her grasp …
(but never letting go)
I’m allowing hope to spread its wings
bracing myself to be brave
to let change
to let love
to let God
I celebrate with my heart this New Years Eve
not with clinking glass
I celebrate all that was
all that was not
all that will be
I celebrate the student I’ve become
and the mystery that’s me.