I’m a woman who can appreciate the past. Because it has given me my future.
I think I knew back then, that if I allowed myself to love the man I shall be spending the rest of my life with – I would have ruined it.
I would have.
I know this about me.
The hypocrisy of love, is not being capable of giving it to someone until you first love yourself. Or perhaps it is not hypocrisy, but a very intelligent and kind way to weed out what is wrong in your life – and Darwinism to an extent, that you are selecting the right mate.
It took a long time for me to do this.
I have spent the weekend very busy – and took some time to myself. 13 minutes into ‘The Hours’ I was so completely smitten with the movie and could completely relate.
I watched some more, after indulging in sashimi (Smiths had sushi grade tuna on sale) then had to Stop! Drop! And Write!
I’m such a sensitive person.
I know this too.
I pick up on the smallest detail, the fainest scent, the most subtle of body language.
I’ve always been a writer. Well, first a reader. An avid reader.
I filled my spare time, (between being OUTSIDE with friends) with reading.
I’m blessed that most of my childhood not only lived up to those books, but exceeded them. I was reading Alice in Wonderland whilst in India, on a bus.
So – yeah.
I’m also a professional writer.
Paid for newspaper and magazine articles.
But – I am not a great writer.
I always wanted to write children’s books.
I started one – a while ago. I wanted to introduce children to ‘big’ and different words.
One started like this:
“I like big words. I like to say, “Persnickety”
My mom was that today.
She smoothed my hair, she ironed my socks,
She cleaned the hands of all the clocks.”
You can see where I was going with that – but I never finish anything.
So I’m watching this movie – and getting melancholy.
I asked myself, “Who am I loving you for?”
Needing for the reason I love my fiancé to be true, and pure, and real.
And they are.
Thing is – he sent me this picture.
They just bloomed out of nowhere apparently. And he lives in such an amazing place.
And he’s coming to this:
Which, may look pretty to some nature lovers out there – but earlier this morning, I had to have my son remove a ‘Ramshead’ (Arizona Burr) from my cuticle. It was not pretty. It was not pleasant. And yes, there was blood.
I don’t think I love myself enough yet to understand that he’s willing to live with burrs in lieu of flowers.
Does that make sense?
I don’t feel worthy.
This quote though, reinforces the very real feelings I have:
“When I’m with him I feel. Yes, I am living. And when I’m not with him … yes, everything does seem sort of silly.”