I’m a woman who can appreciate the past.  Because it has given me my future.

I think I knew back then, that if I allowed myself to love the man I shall be spending the rest of my life with – I would have ruined it.

I would have.

I know this about me.

The hypocrisy of love, is not being capable of giving it to someone until you first love yourself.  Or perhaps it is not hypocrisy, but a very intelligent and kind way to weed out what is wrong in your life – and Darwinism to an extent, that you are selecting the right mate.

It took a long time for me to do this.

I have spent the weekend very busy – and took some time to myself.  13 minutes into ‘The Hours’ I was so completely smitten with the movie and could completely relate.

I watched some more, after indulging in sashimi (Smiths had sushi grade tuna on sale) then had to Stop! Drop! And Write!

I’m such a sensitive person.

I know this too.

I pick up on the smallest detail, the fainest scent, the most subtle of body language.

I’ve always been a writer.  Well, first a reader.  An avid reader.

I filled my spare time, (between being OUTSIDE with friends) with reading.

I’m blessed that most of my childhood not only lived up to those books, but exceeded them.  I was reading Alice in Wonderland whilst in India, on a bus.

So – yeah.

I’m also a professional writer.

Paid for newspaper and magazine articles.

But – I am not a great writer.

I always wanted to write children’s books.

I started one – a while ago.  I wanted to introduce children to ‘big’ and different words.

One started like this:

“I like big words. I like to say, “Persnickety”

My mom was that today.

She smoothed my hair, she ironed my socks,

She cleaned the hands of all the clocks.”

You can see where I was going with that – but I never finish anything.

So I’m watching this movie – and getting melancholy.

I asked myself, “Who am I loving you for?”

Needing for the reason I love my fiancé to be true, and pure, and real.

And they are.

Thing is – he sent me this picture.

They just bloomed out of nowhere apparently.  And he lives in such an amazing place.

And he’s coming to this:

Which, may look pretty to some nature lovers out there – but earlier this morning, I had to have my son remove a ‘Ramshead’ (Arizona Burr) from my cuticle. It was not pretty.  It was not pleasant.  And yes, there was blood.

I don’t think I love myself enough yet to understand that he’s willing to live with burrs in lieu of flowers.

Does that make sense?

I don’t feel worthy.

This quote though, reinforces the very real feelings I have:

“When I’m with him I feel.  Yes, I am living.  And when I’m not with him … yes, everything does seem sort of silly.”