Blog Archives

I should already have my laundry basket prepared … my detergent packed – my bed stripped. But, I’m too comfortable in it to strip it. Too snuggly in my soft pajamas to do anything but stay in this quiet moment.

It’s inevitable – if I want clean clothes and sheets – and I am fond of such things.

But just this moment – right this second – it is SO deliciously quiet and peaceful and calm.

I have my cup of coffee, of the home made fancy variety.

Butters is outside exploring. Nic is sleeping. And the sun is hitting my curtain in a way that makes me smile.

It’s been a long few days.

Nicholas is experiencing the joy of becoming wise – in a most painful way. Yes, the wisdom teeth.

Well, ‘tooth’ as far as we can tell with all of our dental training.

Unfortunately for my chipmunk – he has an infection (again, educated guess based on the level of pain and size of his cheek.)

Last night, as we sat on our opposing couches, he suddenly jumped up and rushed to the kitchen.

Me: What??!

Nic: I think something just happened.

(I pretty much knew ‘something’ must have happened because Nic doesn’t move that quickly off of furniture for ‘nothing’.)

It turns out, that ‘something’ was an abscess rupturing in his mouth.

Not pleasant.

Me: Rinse with warm salt water!!

(Nic was already holding the salt – note to self: He DOES listen and retain advice from time to time – keep giving it)

I should take a moment to explain why I am not a terrible mother for not having had him seen by a dentist yet.

We were pretty sure a wisdom tooth was coming in – and he was in pain. But, as I said to Nic, “Of course you’re in pain, you are teething.”

It wasn’t until Halloween that he developed the swollen face.

I’m not going to go into details and pity stories – the long and short of it is, we don’t have health or dental insurance and we don’t have ‘in case of emergency’ money.

I spent Friday at work trying to figure out how to get him to a dentist.

So after the great ‘rupture’ he was actually feeling better.

Nic: Mom, look, I think it’s a good thing. I can bite down now. I don’t think I have to go to the dentist!

Me: Um … an abscess popping in your mouth isn’t a check mark in the ‘reasons I DON’T have to go to the dentist’ column.

Then he was sad. Spitting remaining salt water and drool into his little spit cup.

We had engaged in conversation earlier about the reality of the situation. I assured him his health was priority one, but that might mean Christmas would not be the same under the tree.

We spoke again when I visited him in his room.

Nic: I don’t want you spending money or owing money

Me: It is what it is. It’s important! Money can be replaced. It’s silly isn’t it? These pieces of paper that we trade for goods and services. Sure, it would make things easier if we had more of it – but we don’t. We’re blessed though. Everything always works out. So, don’t worry about it.

And we are blessed.

We’re alive – have use of our limbs and our faculties. We have a home and food and snuggly pajamas. We have each other and Butters. We have clothes TO wash and transportation TO get to the place to wash them.

And we have sunlight playing on our curtains. And the kind of eyes and souls that notice such things – and smile.

Posted in Gratitude, Motherhood, Musings from the laundromat, Uncategorized

5 Comments

Tags: blessed, calm, gratitude, mother, motherhood, nic, procrastinating, quiet, son, sunlight on curtain, tooth problems, wisdom teeth

Then the dam broke

Oct 23

Posted by debaucherysoup

“It’s just everything – it’s worrying about Christmas, and the car … and always having to worry about things like that – it’s doing it alone, but I wouldn’t have it any other way – what we have … and not feeling well and not being able to go to the doctor – it’s being stressed out and not having someone to talk to about it. Because they’re going to tell me not to feel a certain way when I DO feel that way. It must be okay to feel that way if I feel it?? It’s when people ask “Feeling better?” with a raised eyebrow because your answer had better be ‘yes’ … it’s not being allowed to feel sad because you’re the person who makes people laugh. And on top of it all, I don’t feel well. And I’m sad. I’m just … sad. And no, it’s not forever – and yes, it will pass and I’m so grateful – I’m grateful for everything we have and everything we don’t have … but I’m just … sad. And I should be allowed to feel sad.”

– Me, after telling my son I couldn’t possibly vent to him.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

I left work early today.

I couldn’t take one more second of holding myself upright when all I wanted to do was curl into a ball. I put a smile in my voice on the phone … and in front of customers who came into my office. I went above and beyond on my files – went in early today and cleaned. I pushed and pushed – and broke.

Monday I had a pretty bad ‘spell’ at work. Besides my heart condition – I think my body also tells me when it’s done holding things in.

My vision blurred in my right eye and my chest squeezed. I couldn’t get my bearings. I sat outside on a curb, taking purposeful breaths and feeling the wind on my skin until the spell mostly passed and went back in to work.

That’s what I do.

Remove myself, compose myself and return.

Yesterday I came very close to asking to use my barely used sick time. But I stuck it out. My ears have been hurting me – I’m dizzy and nauseated. But I stuck it out.

This morning, I came even closer to asking to use my barely used sick time – then remembered I had a meeting and had to approve a settlement statement so that a customer could sign their documents. So I went in.

I tied all the loose ends up and emailed both of my bosses asking to use 1/2 of a sick day.

The answer was yes.

I read an article yesterday on a hospice website. About the phases of death. I was making sure I was using ‘catabolic’ correctly in my last post. A catabolic state is when your body can no longer process nourishment – it’s so starved for it – it starts breaking itself down.

That’s how I understood it anyway.

And that’s how I have been feeling. Like there has been no nourishing input lately – that I’m sustaining myself and breaking down all my reserves.

So after my grand monologue that I wasn’t going to give in front of my son, I ended with, “I just want to hear ‘everything is going to be ok'”

To which my son replied, “Everything is going to be ok”

And when he hugged me – I sobbed harder. And he didn’t tell me I wasn’t allowed to feel sad.

I love him so very much.

The sky this morning

Posted in Gratitude, Motherhood, Uncategorized

9 Comments

Tags: emotional, exhausted, Hugs, motherhood, Overwhelmed, sad, sick, single parent, son, venting, working too hard, worries

These dreams … (and dreams we have for others)

Sep 7

Posted by debaucherysoup

Last night I dreamed my mother was pregnant. The shock that she was carrying a child at her age gave way to wonder. I felt a sense of peace and safety and excitement.

I was in the hospital with her, for a check up or perhaps because the time was close to meet the little one?

I looked at her swollen belly and then into her eyes. She was smiling in a tired yet calm way, and had some bad news.

The baby wasn’t going to make it.

It wasn’t long after that ‘scene’ when we were in a gymnasium, and she was finalizing plans with a score keeper to try again. I didn’t even question why he would be the father. It just seemed like a business transaction.

I noticed my mom online this morning and told her: “I dreamed you were pregnant.” She responded “We weren’t going to tell anyone just yet.”

That made me smile.

I am fortunate to have a mother with a sense of humor.

I researched the symbology of seeing someone pregnant. It said: “To dream someone else is pregnant indicates that you are experiencing a closer connection to this person.”

So what did they say it meant to lose the baby?

“Suggests that some idea or plan did not go as expected. The dream may also serve as a warning against your continued course of action. You need to alter your path or risk losing something of significance and value to you.”

Hmmmm ….

I have my own theory.

I’m ashamed to admit, I’ve had some resentment lately.

Nicholas returned from England and the next step was to enroll in college and look for his first job.

I stand by my theory that no one can want anything FOR you. While you can suggest, encourage and support, you can’t want someone into doing something.

Of course I’ve discussed school with Nic. But in my opinion, unless it’s something he wants for himself, he won’t put in the work.

I planted seeds and offered ideas and hoped to see him decide to take that path on his own. For him to make the effort to look into how to make it happen.

And he has.

Yesterday he went to the college and in the evening, we pushed “Submit” on his student aid application.

My resentment comes from the fact that every conversation I’ve had with my mother lately includes her telling me what Nic has to do.

As if I’ve been dropping the ball on the whole ‘raising your child’ thing.

“He needs to go speak to a counselor at the college.” “He needs to apply for jobs.”

I think a part of me feels like she doesn’t trust my mothering.

I felt talked down to, like a little girl being given directions because she couldn’t figure it out on her own.

And the feeling returned that Nicholas is not mine, but hers.

I sat in that feeling and it wasn’t comfortable.

So I shifted my thoughts and my position.

Nicholas isn’t mine. He does not belong to anyone. “God doesn’t have grandchildren” came to mind.

I considered that I’m fortunate to have others love and care about my son. The directions come from a well intended place.

I have to take myself and my pride out of the equation – because it’s not about me.

I don’t know what it’s like to be a grandmother. I can only imagine. I imagine it’s indescribably amazing.

The love I have for my son is the most honest and pure and complete love I’ve known. So to one day, perhaps, hold his child? My eyes are watering just imagining it.