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Whorls in the wood and the stupid curtains
I was feeling a little melancholy.
I awoke with lots to do – but after a night of tossing and turning and dreaming of old love and new love – cats and snakes – I decided to ease gently into the day with coffee, breakfast and a movie in bed.
The movie was ‘One Day’ a sweet romantic drama about a long-awaited love coming to fruition. Their story took years – but having waited 17 months to be in my love’s arms – I related on an emotional level.
I was still in my pajamas – went outside to sip my coffeebefore the desert sun claimed that side of the house, and looked down at the deck.
I imagined myself in France or Italy, some small provincial town. On a little patio, with coffee in hand – perhaps the aroma of herbs and flowers drifting past me in a light breeze.
I imagined grass and gardens and quaint countryside.
I imagined going back inside and seeing my little home – a window seat next to piles of books. Mismatched colorful pillows and copious amounts of fragrant candles, a tea kettle on the stove and a lazy cat sunning itself on a comfortable chair. Classical music filling every room as I padded bare foot with my coffee back to the bedroom.
I snapped back to reality when sirens sounded in the distance – had my usual ‘I hope no one is too badly hurt’ thought then returned to the whorls in the wood.
I could be sitting on any deck if I set my mind to it. This was the thought I carried inside clutching my coffee – as I padded bare foot past my reality.
Herbs are present – in planters that take up the whole of my dining room table. The rest of my home … well – it’s a rental and I think of it as a sufficient ‘shell’.
Nothing about it says ‘me’ except – inside, there has been so much love and so much laughter with my son.
This shell has seen me become humble and grateful.
Soon my love will be stepping through the very door I daydreamed through.
I’m anxious about the interior’s appearance.
My list of things to do consists of, once again, preparing the superficial to a degree of a satisfactory first impression.
An impossible task considering what i have to work with.
I hung new curtains in my bedroom and hated them. I told him so.
His response:
“If you hate them, why do you use them? OMG – ladies. I will have you, not your curtains”
It made me laugh.
And of course he’s right. And I’m wise enough to know the material things don’t matter, but I care about the shell being tidy and welcoming.
The curtains are lovely, but I refer to them as ‘the stupid curtains’ – mostly because they represent the silly need I feel to have objects make an impression.
As we skyped, and laughed today – while my very real dog barked from my comfortable sofa, I knew once we were looking at that deck – that whorl – together – nothing else would matter.
Especially not the stupid curtains.
Oh … so that explains the kitten
I had horrible dreams last night – meteors crashing to earth and creatures coming out of a mire – of course, I was trying to photograph them. I’m always taking photographs in my dreams.
And then I dreamed of an abandoned kitten in a desk drawer – I rescued it.
Other than that, I tossed and turned mostly – denied my dog’s request to go outside and tried to snatch some sleep back that was taken from me.
When I got up, I looked up the significance of meteors – and was surprised to read that they represented success in a project. I then looked up kitten …
‘To see a kitten in your dream represents a transitional phase toward independence. You are ready to explore new things that life has to offer. Alternatively, the dream symbolizes innocence and purity.’
Well, let’s be realistic, I had to assume the first interpretation applied to me.
Got ready, fed the dog, caught up on the news, packed my lunch and went to work.
I spent approximately an hour there before I received a phone call telling me I was laid off.
Just – like – that.
Damn kitten!
__________________________
I liken the collecting and packing of personal items at work to that of a child packing to run away.
It’s usually done under emotional and stressful circumstances and you end up leaving important things behind and taking things you don’t need.
It wasn’t until I was driving home, realizing my key chain was one key lighter, that I remembered I forgot to grab my lunch.
There really isn’t much time to say ‘good bye’ or to leave a place properly when you’ve been asked to leave.
And this isn’t my first redundancy rodeo. This is the second time this year I’ve been laid off.
Not fired.
Let’s make that clear. I give 110% in all I do.
I won’t share the reasons or the company – just suffice it to say, changes were inevitable, I just didn’t expect I was on the chopping block today at all.
Blindsided by that damn kitten.
__________________________
I am blessed though.
I am feeling positive.
I have proven to myself that I am capable of rising from the ashes and making the best of a situation, and this time will be no different.
I am not a ‘why me?’ person – I am an optimistic, realistic ‘why not me’ person.
And I have learned many lessons over the past few years and one of them is that you just stay in motion and keep showing up with a smile on your face and your hard work and attitude will be noticed.
And it was.
I am very fortunate to have some options that I am weighing.
I am very fortunate to have a healthy son. Loving family. Amazing friends.
I have my sight, my hearing, my voice – the use of all of my limbs and am pain-free.
Today.
And all I have is today.
With a determined eye to the future and a willingness to change and learn.
Musings from the Laundromat: Glee Interrupted Edition
I’m fuzzy today.
Awoke at 6 a.m. made coffee, let the dog out had a healthy breakfast of a cookie and went back to my room.
Ended up falling asleep for another two hours and dreaming of ‘Glee’.
No clue why. But apparently I was with the cast, and cheerleaders in a hotel room a few doors down were rehearsing and making too much noise.
I was the one who went to let them know they needed to be quiet.
(When people tell me ‘follow your dreams’ – ones like that pop into my head and I feel sure I’m okay having not done so.)
I none so enthusiastically got out of bed – threw some shorts on, ran a brush through my hair and gathered the laundry.
Sitting at a table in the very back. It’s affording me a view of everyone’s activities while they wait.
No one is talking. It’s eerily quiet considering the amount of people, but also calming considering my fuzzy state.
I deleted my last post about how sick I’ve been lately. For several reasons.
Rainer is in the news and search engines are landing many people here. I wanted the home page to have the Never Forget post to welcome them.
Also I’m so tired of talking about not feeling well.
And this is where I will tangent.
I think the first few times someone asks ‘How are you feeling?’ it’s okay to briefly summarize the truth.
But after a while, people in general, want to hear ‘fine’. Because let’s be honest, most who ask aren’t really looking for an answer, they’re either making small talk or being polite.
I tried a more positive attitude last week – determined to ‘mind over matter’ myself into good health.
It didn’t work.
But it might have made others around me feel better, so I kept trying.
I also told myself ‘there are people going through a LOT worse.’
This is something I tell myself often – to put things into perspective. To latch onto gratitude with convinced claws and fly away with it.
In the car (my ‘thinking’ car) I was thinking about this.
To what end do we do this?
When can we accept that we are going through something painful/scary/sad without brushing it off with a ‘someone is going through worse’.
It’s a form of avoidance.
For me, I know that until something is acknowledged, accepted and processed, I can’t move forward healthily, mentally or physically.
Someone is ALWAYS going through worse – it doesn’t mean you don’t get to process what’s bothering you.
Of course, if all we think about is what’s WRONG and never get out of a problem or an ailment long enough to see what’s RIGHT then that’s an issue.
There is a lot ‘right’ in my life. And I’m grateful for it.
Maybe that was the meaning of my dream … outside interference was interrupting my glee?
And in true Amanda fashion, I strutted over to the source and told the interruption to “HUSH!”
Okay, so I explained politely why they needed to be quiet – but I did take the steps over there and solved the problem!
Even in my dreams I’m meek.
But I’ll be inheriting the earth apparently – so there’s that.
“As perfect days are few …”
I was driving home from work today, admiring the shadows cast on the mountains by the clouds hung in the sky … and thought “It has been a perfect day.”
I instantly knew I would be writing tonight.
I have a peace about me today.
Nothing extraordinary happened.
I am just very aware of how blessed I am.
______________________
I awoke before my alarm – took my time getting ready.
Received an email that ended in ‘In deep love’ from someone special.
And actually smiled at the mess that Nicholas’ birthday had left in its wake.
Yesterday was pretty amazing. My son said he had one of his best birthdays ever – and it wasn’t because of any material thing.
He spent time with people he loves. During the day, with his first love – Chelsea, they’ll be celebrating 1 year together this month. Then I arrived home and he was with my mom.
I was aware in that moment that he’s grown. That he appreciates that what matters are people not things.
______________________
Back to today.
So I’m reflecting on the day – the interactions with my co-workers/friends.
The successful meeting we had this morning, one of the guest speakers being a dear friend who I’m always glad to see.
Happy about the fact that our place of business is going to be of service in the community.
Happy that I was busy, productive.
Happy that I felt genuine joy returning from lunch and seeing the cars of the ‘family’ I work with – knowing I was going into a building full of people I like.
Then how fortunate I was to be driving a car in working order – to have a job to drive home from – to be able to stop off at the pharmacy and afford to collect my medicine.
I was full of gratitude for every little thing.
Grate FULL.
Then I checked the mail.
There was a brown package for me.
It was from a friend I’ve known for years and years.
She had told me a while ago she saw something and thought of me – and asked for my address.
This was in the package.
Ten Years Later: Six People Who Faced Adversity and Transformed Their Lives.
Years ago, books like those wouldn’t have anyone thinking of me.
I was humbled.
Then I opened it.
Inside was a letter – and a check.
‘Dear Amanda (+Nic)
The book is for you – enjoy and pass on. The check is for Butters. Took up a collection, please put towards bill to get snip snip done. Have a great day.’
(I’ll keep her anonymity.)
I’ve been struggling trying to find the ‘extra’ money to have Butters spayed.
I came very close to looking for another home for her. I’m a firm believer that if you can’t afford to provide for an animal – can’t afford health care, food or time – then you should not have one!
When Butters showed up in my yard, I went to great lengths to find her owners. Even using a connection I have at a television station to have her shown on a morning show.
No owners came forward.
I then went to great lengths to find her a forever home. No takers.
I could not bring myself to take her to the pound, a definite death sentence.
So, 3 years later, we’ve been her ‘better than the pound’ solution.
But I’ve hated, simply hated that I haven’t been able to have her spayed or provided her with shots!!
It all came to a head a while back – I was frustrated when I had to chase her down the street when she jumped our frail fence. I panicked. She can’t get pregnant! She hasn’t had her shots! What if she is injured?!
Of course she wants to jump! Of course she wants to play with other dogs!
I knew all of this and felt SO inadequate as a pet mom. She deserved better I concluded.
That conclusion was shared with my friends and clearly made an impression.
______________________
So here I am, having my ‘perfect day’ added to by this amazing person – and then I see her Facebook status.
And apparently something has happened.
Her recent status alluded to that and ended with “May the journey we all travel be peaceful as perfect days are few and sometimes far between.”
This friend, who managed to make my perfect day end on such a sweet note is not having a perfect day.
She wrote inside the book ‘Because you just never know! Pay it forward’
To her I say, “I will. I promise you I will.”
And I ask now for anyone reading this to just take a second and send love and light into the universe to all those in our hearts, on our minds – and in the world.
Holding the plank – and wanting more
I held the plank last night.
In correct position, and with my arms shaking – I held on.
And when I got home, I started to get undressed when I noticed that the work I’ve put into my body these past weeks, is showing results.
I originally took a photo of my stomach for myself. When I looked at the picture after I took it – I noticed my arm. I was shocked. And excited. And I was sharing that!
I posted it to my Facebook wall, completely ecstatic that my goal of achieving tone was being realized.
I have other goals.
Other desires.
And what I tried to convey in my last post – was that I am trying to allow myself to want those things.
I found myself feeling on the precipices of a breakthrough – of starting to feel like a woman – in my prime – of wanting more for her.
At the same time, feeling very much confined to my hamster wheel and with no resources for even a change of cedar chips.
I needed to talk it out with someone.
So I did what I am only now learning how to do, I spoke up and reached out.
_______________________________
I had the most amazing conversation with one of my best friends.
I miss her.
This is the friend who wore a ball gown one casual Friday.
The friend who smeared cake on her own face just so she could turn around at the right moment and say “What cake?”
The friend I danced to P!nk with – and swooned over Dave Matthews with while we sipped Kendall Jackson Chardonnay.
The friend who was there for me during a devastating chapter in my life.
I love her.
She fought cancer and won. If that wasn’t enough to make her my hero, she’s bold and authentic, funny and smart, balanced, human and oh so loving.
She also happens to have the maiden name of my mother. First, middle and last. The odds of that are bonkers.
So I told her early this week, “I need to talk. I need a friend.”
We had a time planned, but then another friend needed me. The thing about true friends, is that there is no explaining, no awkwardness, just ‘can we talk another time?’
Yes we could. This weekend.
So I called her with tonight with “Are you home yet? What about now? What about now?”
No. She wasn’t home. But now was a good time.
She then proceeded to blow my ever so ‘undeserving’ mind with:
“It doesn’t mean you’re not grateful. It’s okay to acknowledge that you obviously have needs on many levels that are not being met.”
_______________________________
The thing about getting older, is that the window of opportunity for any significant life change gets smaller.
The older we get, the more likely we may become ill – become lonely – become someone we didn’t plan to be – and there are only so many do overs.
That is reality.
But so many times, ‘reality’ becomes an excuse for not trying.
As she said “We have to candy coat reality a little bit at least. To make life less bitter. We have to be able to dream, to want things for ourselves.”
This is true.
I can think of a million reasons why I can’t take a big step and make the little girl I used to be proud and excited again.
But all it takes is believing anything is possible and allowing myself to want something for myself. And that is NOT selfish.
I don’t know if I’m brave enough yet.
I don’t know if I believe enough in myself yet.
But I’m getting there.
If I can just hold on … even while I’m shaking.
Debauchery Soup 