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Monday Roadkill
“Have to remember to get gas.” I told myself this morning. I decided I wouldn’t do it on the way to work, but rather during my lunch hour.
Directly to work I would go.
Then this.
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I’m driving on the highway, which, in our town is 45 miles per hour as it’s pretty much ‘main street’ through several cities.
A desert highway with business and residential areas either side of the road for miles.
With a lot of stop lights.
I’m approaching a stop light when I see something in my lane just after the intersection.
Now, I’m a pretty decent driver. I haven’t had a ticket or accident in 28 years. When I was 16 I got a ticket for ‘inappropriate lane use’ (I should have fought that one – it was appropriate.)
And then there was the time I backed out of my parking spot in my private driveway and forgot my parents were in town.
I ended up hitting my moms parked Durango. No damage to her car, but I’m such a square, that I told on myself to my insurance company anyway.
Bottom line is – I’m cautious, aware, defensive and boring behind the wheel.
So I see this thing in my lane and I’ve gone over every scenario in my head an instant after assessing the traffic around me in each mirror.
‘Can’t drive around it – it’s illegal to change lanes in an intersection’
‘Must be something I can drive OVER because it’s there and I can’t be the first car to come across it’
‘Probably a plastic bag or a piece of cardboard’
The ‘thing’ was bright red – so I don’t know what store such a plastic bag would have come from. (Although, we do have two Adult ‘bookstores’ in town – so …)
I had only seconds to decide what to do and I chose to try straddling it and not switching my present course.
*CRUNNNNCHY DRAGGING NOISES*
This is a millisecond after I am on top of the damn thing and realize what it actually was.
I indicate, pull to the right and crunch my way into a shopping parking lot.
I then IMMEDIATELY turn the car OFF!!!!!!!!
The red thing was this:
Which is why it was very important that I turned the car to the non-explosive ‘off’ position.
So I’m on the side of a busy road – in a long peasant skirt, pink sweater and knee-high boots – and approach the rear of my PT Cruiser.
On my hands and knees I peer under the car to find the ‘debris’.
Gas container was bigger than I thought, and it would not come out. Not only would it not come out, but wouldn’t you know it? It actually had gas in it.
HAD gas in it.
Now most of it was on the ground … and my hands.
I tugged and tugged – it would not give.
I went to the side of the car. Maneuvered my hand underneath and grabbed hold – all the while thinking – I KNOW someone is seeing a woman on the side of the road, dressed nicely, on her hands and knees and NO ONE is stopping.
The thing finally pops out – I place the container in an upright position and pick gravel out of my knees with my gas soaked hands and return to my car.
The rest of the drive was pretty uneventful, except for all the jokes I was making in my head.
Stupid jokes like:
‘Well, I did need gas’ and ‘Been a while since I’ve been on my knees’. (My inner joker has a dirty mind – I try to ignore her – but I was inhaling gas fumes at the time.)
I’m retelling this to someone I work with and she says: “I saw that on the side of the road!!!”
“Yeah, well, I’m the one who killed it.”
Musings from the Laundromat: Little Basket, Blue Ticket and Panty Lines
8:15 a.m.
The ground is wet outside from a recent storm that passed through our thirsty desert – the sky is clear, birds are singing – and I’m sat in an almost empty laundromat at a table that is always my 3rd choice to perch at.
There is a couple at the ‘umbrella table’. I regarded them as I stuffed two washing machines to their capacity. (I was stuffing mostly because I was too lazy to stop half way through and go back to the ‘Value Transfer Machine’ and add more money to my laundry card.) As I was doing this, another couple came in the back door.
“Still here huh?”
“Yeah” said the umbrella table couple.
I wanted to interject some sarcasm – but kept my head down and stuffed. Why do we do that? Confirm that people right in front of us are, in fact, actually there? Or ask acquaintances that we see in a grocery store or a bank “Hi! What are you doing here?”
8:30 a.m.
I noticed this little tiny laundry basket unattended when I first sat down.
Can you see it? Barely? That’s how little it is. I sat and wondered, while typing, who the owner of the basket was and how much laundry could possibly fit in it to warrant a trip here.
I mean seriously, compare the hangers to the basket and probably, what, only 5 shirts?
Mystery was solved for me.
There are now bags on the folding table as the owner of the little tiny basket returned.
That’s more than 5 shirts.
The basket was a red herring.
He’s back outside in his car now – not before bending over at the dryers and giving me an eyefull that made a very clear point that Mr. Little Basket needs a belt.
8:40 a.m.
Time to check my washing machines.
8:45 a.m.
They were finished. And I ended up making that trip to the ‘Value Transfer Machine’ after I also stuffed the driers and realized they would need more time to successfully dry my stuffings.
Why do I have so much laundry today?? Nic must have worn every pair of jeans, shorts and t-shirts he owned last week. OR (and this is probably closer to the truth) I’ve just washed clean clothes that somehow returned to his hamper.
I found these in his pockets – another mystery!
The receipt is for Carls Jr. – no mystery there – but the ticket! Hmmm … wonder when he got that. Is there a prize on the line? Or did it grant him access to a meal somewhere. And if it is food related, why is he going to Carls Jr. and blue ticket places without me?
8:55 a.m.
Okay, since I’ve shared about other’s laundry, I’ll tell you a funny story about me.
Yesterday I was getting dressed while half awake – and as I was walking from the closet to my master bathroom, I noticed something in the mirror.
You know I’ve been working out, and I’m actually seeing results. There are muscles on my belly where no muscles have been before. It’s really quite exciting.
So I’m walking – and noticing – and my eyes widen and I think “Oh! That is a LOT of definition!’
I got closer to the mirror and felt like a complete idiot.
Here is a photo of what I saw (only much blurrier in reality)
It was the string of my underwear.
Hey! From across the room it looked an awful lot like that ‘V’ I see on muscle-y people going from their hips on down!
I laughed pretty hard at that before I took the photo.
9:05 a.m.
Time to wrap this up and do the ‘Drier Dance’. This is when I snatch dry items out, while leaving the damp items in to continue on their tumble, and shuffle back and forth to the folding tables.
Oh! Thought you’d like to see how capable ‘Little Basket’ was of holding things.
This looks like a complete set of bedding!
Morals of today’s musings:
Never judge a man by the size of his laundry basket
If someone is right in front of you, they’re probably there
Underwear is not a muscle.
The Dirty 30 and Bacon
Day 5:
Today was sponsored by bacon. I’m sure of it.
I got up early – threw my workout clothes on, got my laundry together to take to the laundromat and sat with my coffee as I went through the grocery store coupons.
This was my first laugh of the day.
Mmmmm! Healthy bacon! AND – save 65 cents!
That out-of-the-way, I loaded the car and headed to the offices.
Today was called ‘Dirty 30’ AKA: ‘ouch’!
I thought it was even harder than last night’s cardio. “Don’t quit on yourself” had to show me proper execution and position a few times. Which is good – I want to do this thing right.
Here’s a peek at one of the less painful routines we did this morning, you can see that I’m tuckered out!
I think what is more exhausting than the actual moves, is getting off the mat from a floor exercise to a standing position for a stand up one! It dawns on me – that’s probably on purpose. Not a move is wasted.
Sadistic. Sneaky. Smart.
Round three was up and the instructor started end stretches. We usually have a ‘bonus’ exercise. (I’m sure I’ll look at it that way one day) but this morning, one wasn’t mentioned.
This is when beautiful-realtor-with-killer-calves spoke up.
“No bonus?! There’s always a bonus!”
To which I responded “Shhhh! She’ll hear you!”
Of course, considering the instructor is on video, that wasn’t likely to happen – but still. The bell rang and it wasn’t my fault the teacher forgot to assign homework!
“Don’t quit on yourself” made healthy shakes that I guess are part of the diet. (I’m not doing the diet part – I’m not crazy. I know I’m thin.) I wasn’t left out. I tasted it and … Diet mud, herbs, chocolate and ice came to mind? Very earthy and thick. In fact, so thick, that after 2 hours, I was still nursing mine. I brought it with me on the rest of my errands.
No offense to anyone who respects the shake. But I was not used to it.
After that, I ran by our local big box store on the hunt for healthy chips to accompany my daily lunch sandwiches.
Bacon was back.
I turned back to the chips.
These came home with me. As did vegetable chips and sweet potato chips. I looked for kale chips – those things are $6!!! And come with probably 12 chips in a bag!!! They did not come home with me.
Tried opening the Bacon chips and struggled. I thought perhaps it was because my arms were tired – turns out there was a notch I was supposed to tear.
This is how much it opened. Definitely not made for ramming your whole hand into.
Guess that’s how they can sit in the healthy section of the store. Portion control.
So it’s been a looooooooooooong day. 13 hours after I climbed out of bed, the workout is done, laundry is done, groceries are put away, house is clean, dog had a bath and offices are sparkling.
So I just took a much needed shower and was drying off when I noticed something different on my body.
Above my hip, and on my abdomen, is a lump.
I poked it – then noticed a matching one on the other side!!!
I think I have a baby muscle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s right about here:
The rest of me doesn’t look like that though … YET!
As long as I don’t quit on myself, and stay away from bacon sales, it just might happen!
Hot Friday night with Groin pulls and Burpees
Day 4:
I shed my ‘noob’ status tonight during Cardio. Broke a decent sweat AND … wait for it … had my first work-out injury!
I blame the side lunge – which, didn’t hurt so much at first (because I was doing it wrong – I’ve decided I know when I’m not doing a move right when it doesn’t hurt) but then “Don’t quit on yourself” trainer showed me how to do it right and – ping! OR! It could have been the skater jump? It’s all a blur.
Anyway, I’m a pro now – I’ve been working out for four whole days now you know – so of course, I worked through the pain.
I was also introduced to ‘Burpees’. I wouldn’t have minded NOT being introduced to ‘Burpees’ instead, perhaps just waving politely to them from across the room. I quit on myself a few times during those.
I’ve decided that it’s quality, not quantity – and while I didn’t put that method into practice tonight – I will tomorrow should I encounter an exercise that I find difficult. (And let’s face it, the odds of that happening are pretty good.)
Oh! Incase you scanned over that second to last sentence, I did say ‘tomorrow’. Yes, Saturday. I did not know this.
I had decided, that in my son’s absence (he’s on a trip with his girlfriend) that I was going to take tomorrow off. Do nothing but relax, watch movies … then do all my chores and the night job with him when he returned on Sunday.
Nope.
Facebook message from the trainer that I work with (Don’t quit on yourself’s pretty partner) said tomorrow at 8 a.m. we’re working out!
I’ll make a day of it. Workout, laundromat, grocery store, house cleaning and then do the offices by myself tomorrow night.
That should be enough activity to make up for the few times I phoned it in during some of the tougher cardio.
I shall now limp off to my room and lean on Butters while I try to peel out of my sweaty clothes.
Angry cats and more planks
Day 3: Pilates.
Let me start off by saying I was just in the bathroom, about to wash my face and brush my teeth – and as I removed my earrings, one fell to the floor. I froze. It might as well have been something falling into the Grand Canyon. As I assessed the situation I literally winced at the thought of bending down to pick it up.
And while we’re on the topic of bathrooms – I had the same ‘wince’ reaction every-time I had to empty my bladder today. The whole ‘sit down/stand up’ motion is a tad difficult.
The scary thing is … I like it.
I’m not in agony, but, and I never thought I’d say this – it hurts in a good way.
Who AM I?!?!
I’m already panicking a little wondering what I’m going to do when the 21 days are up!
Where will I go?!? Who will tell me “Butt down!” or “Don’t quit on yourself!”
The idea of a gym is an expensive idea. I’ve loved having a gym mere steps away from my desk. And these trainers know their stuff! I would need another trainer!
I was given a pair of sneakers today. Do we call Nike Air shoes sneakers? I don’t know. I’ve never been a ‘sneaker’ girl. Lest we forget, this is my first time in the work-out arena.
I do know they were really comfy and made me feel like less of a ‘noob’. Of course the irony was that today didn’t require shoes. But I did get to wear them home and feel all ‘work-outy’.
I even caught myself thinking about work-out clothes. But, it’s a work-out, not a fashion show – I’m fine with what I have.
Okay. Pilates. I’ve had this image in my head of ‘yoga’ I think. Soft, relaxing, almost meditative? There was a position called the cat – Or ‘angry cat?’ Then some other animal. But other than that – there was a lot of “Oh my GAWD!” and “This is where the term ‘butt hurt’ comes from isn’t it?” going on. Yoga it wasn’t.
I did love the angry cat >^.^<
So there I was, loving it, stretching and enlongating and then it all went to hell with a flipping ‘plank’. Who invented this ‘planking’?? Whoever did, should be made to walk off one.
Didn’t stop at planking, just for fun – we went from plank to push-up. Then I added my own move – ‘face down on mat’ otherwise known as “I’ve-given-up-on myself-face-plant”
I’m not doing two days in one post – I’ll sum them up daily – because I clearly have too much to say about each session.
I have to add, that the best part of this experience has to be doing it with the group of people in that room. Yes, even the planking.
Debauchery Soup 