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Keep calm (mom) and graduate …
Today is the last day of High School for my son.
The last day I shuffled to his room holding breakfast in one hand and flicking his light on with the other.
The last day I turned off his fan, turned off his alarm clock and called his name.
“Nic … wake up.”
I don’t know what I was expecting. I feel everything like I’m reading either a hilarious or very touching Hallmark card when it comes to my son.
I left him as I normally do – blinking and squinting at the light. Propping himself up on his elbow and less than enthusiastically working the spoon.
Then I make coffee – and peer in to his room from the kitchen to be sure he didn’t lay back down and close his eyes.
Like most parents, I’ve taken a photo of Nic on each ‘First Day of School’ through the years. This morning was bittersweet as I coerced him into some ‘Last Day of School’ photos.
I wanted the half hour that we sit together, watching the news in the living room, to last forever.
The clock wasn’t magically participating in my desire to prolong the moment – time was not slowing. Pffft. 
He grabbed his items – I followed him out to the porch. Watched as he unlocked the car, opened the door. I recorded his exit – like the annoying photog I can be.
Then he drove away.
Just like that.
I sat with my coffee thinking back. What else will I never do again?
I’ll never argue with him about calling in sick. I’ll never write another excuse note or permission slip. I’ll never attend another open house – or meet his teachers. (Unless I bump into a college professor, hopefully!)
I’ll never shop for uniform tops again or have to dig for lunch money on Monday mornings. Never again hear his principal on Sundays announcing the upcoming week’s school events. No more school pictures, tripping over his backpack, registering for a new year, nagging him about homework or listening to him share his day …
I tried to find a silver lining – and the only thing I could think of is: I won’t have to set my alarm for 6 am anymore.
Who knows what’s next. Hopefully I’ll have raised enough money for him to go to the UK in July – then … it’s his call.
Gulp.
I remember being SO excited when school was ending – then having a sobering moment of ‘Oh … wait. This is REAL.’
I don’t know if he’s had that thought yet.
But when he does, I’ll be here for him. And I’ll support him in whatever step he wants to take.
Amends – becoming whole
I am so sorry for the way that I have treated you in the past.
For all the times I put you down … didn’t stand up for you, didn’t have faith in you.
I am sorry that I put you in harms way.
That I didn’t make better choices for you.
For all the emotional, physical and verbal abuse – I hope and I pray that you can forgive me completely one day.
I feel I’ve earned back some trust – I know that you feel the amends that I’m making and I will continue to make them.
Because I love you.
I know that you are capable and lovable and imperfectly enough.
I know that – because I’m you.
Mothers Day edition of ‘Musings from the laundromat’
Feeling a little guilty about being here. They’re closing early for Mothers Day.
I get the same feeling when I pop into a shop on any other holiday and they’re open.
I’m sure when I walked in the lady behind the counter was thinking “Oh, great.” They close in 50 minutes. I can be outta here by then.
So, Happy Mothers Day! My morning started (after being up with Butters at 5 am) being late up. I actually crashed out after crawling back into bed and didn’t wake up until almost 9! Unheard of for me – delightful.
Although, I had planned to be here by 8 am – then I could have avoided the awkward early close predicament.
My son had a surprise outing planned. We were to leave at 10:45. What to wear? His response: Formal casual. (Note to self: Explain dress codes to Nic.)
Pulling up to the laundromat, my car advised me that it was 110 degrees out, so you can imagine that my attire was more casual than formal.
Here we are driving there. Yeah, I know, bad influence. Taking photos while he’s driving. (ooo! By the way – I think this was the first time as a passenger I didn’t freak out and actually enjoyed the scenery! He’s a LOT better driver now.) Here’s me enjoying the scenery: 
I didn’t know where we were going – but I knew food was involved. I’m ok with being fed. 🙂 So we arrived – which of course, means more photo ops. 
The restaurant is really lovely and does a great brunch. I’ll withhold the name but here’s some inside pics: 
That’s the decor, and yes, I did have to take a photo of the golden toilet plumbing and seat cover dispenser. LOL!
This was my first plate … Also had, um, 3 or 4 desserts 🙂
See, I still participate in debauchery. There were so many to choose from! How could I not sample them all?? I would have hurt a desserts feelings.
Thank you Nic for planning such a lovely surprise. x
So I’m here … clothes in the dryer and really only wanting to nap off some of that food. But, due to work circumstances right now, my plan B of going afterwards tomorrow didn’t seem like a good idea.
While we’re on the topic of mothers – the man I process for and assist is going through a very tough time with his mom right now.
I’ve been holding down the fort while his mom is dying. 😦
Friday I spoke to a Father (Priest? Vicar? Deacon?) who was trying to get a hold of him. It’s been a tough few weeks with false alarms, last rites and emotions riding high. However, Friday his mom was unresponsive. I don’t know what to say. If he was a woman, I could hug him – listen to him. But, he’s a pretty stoic, logical man. All I can offer is making sure things at work are running smoothly by stepping up to the proverbial plate.
So to end this edition – let me just say to my mom – I’m glad you were born, glad that you’re here and Happy Mothers Day. I had a lovely day with you. Love you, ‘Mand. xxxxx
Letting go
Another fork – and destiny, breaks our clasping hands.
(The path that we are journeying on, once more been split in two)
One stands on the desert floor, while one on ocean sands.
(But reflecting on the stars at night, affords a similar view.)
I know your scars, you’ve seen mine too. We’ve shared our history.
(Reflect no more on what once was, but what His will will be.)
Today’s Laundry meditation
The thing about laundromats – or this one at least … is that they’re quiet and smell like goodness. (Thank you scented softeners). They smell of clean things and comforting things and calming things too.
Definitely an environment in which I can think, and clear my head and share what was in there with you.
But sometimes, I can’t share everything. There is a large part of me that doesn’t like that. But a larger part of me that’s grateful that evidently I DO have an edit button hidden in the TMI portion of myself.
Truthfully, the only time I don’t share with you is when someone else could be hurt by my honesty. I’m an open book. You ask me a question, I’ll answer it and draw a picture for you too.
But I do respect the privacy and feelings of others.
So how to go about this post?
I’ll keep the mirror on myself. And I do that a lot, I know. I hope you know that it’s not due to narcissism, rather, being trained to look at my part in things and also born of the knowledge that others deserve their confidentiality.
Things I learned this week.
Sometimes, you have to trust your gut.
When you’ve been wrong before, that doesn’t mean you’re always wrong.
I doubt myself a lot. Not when I have a thought, but when someone challenges me on the validity of that thought.
I have made large mistakes in the past, so I can’t very well not consider the possibility that I’m doing it again. Can I?
But what I need to take into account, is that I have grown a lot too. Emotionally and spiritually. I have made smart decisions for myself and my son. I have found serenity and a routine that works for me.
I also have to consider the source of the challenge. Has that person got their life in order? Do they possess the knowledge, experience and wisdom to absolutely know that I’m wrong? Especially true when it comes to thoughts or conclusions I come to about myself. And while I’m awfully close to the subject, who knows me better than me? I mean come on.
I was knocked out of my routine this weekend. I have to be honest – it was hard, but I thought, worth it to venture out of my comfort zone. I made a conscious decision to share my time with someone.
You know that feeling you have the first day out of bed after a flu? Disoriented … out of body sensation? Slightly dizzy and awkward? Yeah. Apparently when I don’t go to the grocery store and clean my house Saturday morning and instead, go out to breakfast – it results in ‘day after flu’ sensation.
Just getting my bearings back here at the laundromat. Back to the little wheel in my cage. I’ll take some time to freshen my cedar chips later and install a new salt lick.
Debauchery Soup 