Feeling in need of a purge.  Which, should always be done here – and not on Facebook or a diary I’m bound (no pun intended) to throw away.  This, I shall  not erase.

I have this compelling nature to share.

I have this unedited ME that I can’t shut up.

I really kind of like her.

I think if I met me – I’d be dubious at first, but then, I’d think, you know what? I know where I stand with this chick and she wears her heart on her sleeve.

So I’m still cleaning – sort of.

Going through my closet – slowly – and taking forever when I hit a box of photos.  Today I opened a high school duffel bag.

I posted this pic and said “Still fits … If you discount the fact I can’t zip the skirt up anymore.”

And it does.  And I can’t.  I have momma hips now.  But, it still slides on.

A dear friend, jokingly replied: “As if it was zipped up much in high school 🙂

The irony is – yes, yes it was.  VERY zipped.  Are you kidding?  I was still a virgin.  I played with Barbies until I was 16.  Not in a ‘oh hi, how are you’ Barbie interaction way with another Barbie – but with her hair and clothes.I didn’t ‘become a woman’ until  I was 16!  Late bloomer much?  Still waiting for the boob fairy. Pretty sure she’s not showing up.

I sold most of my expensive Barbies in 9th grade to fund a toga party I threw.

But I was still SO innocent when it came to ways I had decisions to be innocent.

I’m happy for that commenter by the way.  He used to call me ‘English Muffin’ back when that was innocent too.  I have the 6th grade year book to prove it.  He is a good man – who is a new dad.  And I couldn’t be happier for him.

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Earlier, I was thinking of houses … dwelling (no pun intended again) in homes  I drive by similar to the one I used to own.  I lost it after losing my job in 2008.  Yup, I was in the mortgage business.  Ever heard of Downey Savings and Loan? I was the ‘loan’ part in my town.  I was being paid California wages in Arizona – (but lived in Nevada – it’s complicated).  The founder lived in town.  He was amazing. He was a millionaire that drove an old car with a bumper sticker that said ‘These colors don’t run’  (American flag) and wore Kmart jeans and actually listened to people.

I listened to him too.  Because he was smart, and not just smart, but wise.  And a hard worker.  I’d listen to stories about his humble upbringing and about his kids and grandchildren.  I loved that man. I did. And he was SO funny!

I remember one day  –  after opening a loan center in a new suite, he sat with me.  I was busy.  I mean, I adored this unassuming man, but I was busy.  And we CARED about our customers, he cared, I cared.  He mentioned I was probably too busy to talk.  I admitted it.  He went to the front door and said, “Amanda, I’m glad you’re here.”

I’ll probably never receive a kinder or more authentic compliment than that.  He was no phoney.  He  passed.  And I wish, I wish I had more time to listen. Because he had SO much to share.  And was so willing to do so.  I listened when I could – and when I listened, he had my full attention.

Rest in peace Mr. Mac.  You were so loved.

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OK. Let’s move onward.

So I’m not feeling 100% today – and it’s my dad’s birthday and I totally phoned it in with a ‘show up, give a card, leave’ thing.

On the way home, I’m thinking about Jim.

I hit a stop light – and there is a man with a sign.

“Please help. Vet”

I’ll now share with you – (because thank GOD I can) the IM I sent my love:

On the way home I thought of you.  How you heal me in ways you don’t know. How calm my heart is with you (when we’re not on a Vegas Highway lol) How safe, home, loved and right I feel with you. I sometimes look at houses and covet them – but then I remember – we have each other.  And always will be sheltered and nourished and have love.  Some of those beautiful houses have the loneliest people in them.  We’ll never be lonely.  We’ll always know love.  And we both know to cherish that.  Then I was at a stop sign and a man was holding a ‘Please help. Vet’ sign (which was odd because it was  laminated) and he reached into his shopping cart and grabbed a rib – and walked to his woman, and gave it to her to eat, and my heart swelled. Such love – and they’re on the corner of a busy street, asking for help.  Anyway – I just wanted you to know, I’ll always give you a rib.  I’ll always rub your back.  I’ll always cherish you Jim.  You make me feel so safe to be me – and authentic.  Even when I say stupid shit I don’t feel unloved or judged.  Thank you.

Yeah you little voyeurs!  That was a very real IM from me to the man I love.

I share it because it’s true. I’m such a *&%ing handful!  And he still loves me.

I hung some of his art today.

With the remnants of energy I had.

I needed him on my wall.

I just – need him.

In a ‘non-weird-needy’ way.  If that makes sense. Which it wont.  If you’ve read any of my posts on love, or THINKING I was in love – or determined NOT to be in love.

I’ll share this – when my head is on his chest – I feel complete.

When he’s in the room, I feel full.

When he laughs, my souls smiles – and blushes.

When he sits typing on his phone, with a tendril of hair falling out of his pony tail, I fall in love.  Again.  And again.

When I remember his patience and humor – I feel like a complete idiot for not having that sooner.

But, I wouldn’t have had it.

As I’ve said before, and it bears repeating, I WOULD have blown it.

It’s just so sad, but beautiful that it took this long.  25 years.

It’s going to mean so much more – every second.  Every hug.  Every passing glance.  Everything will mean so much more.

I know Mrs. Mac loved Mr. Mac this way  – because I had the honor of seeing them together.

I saw the easy way they finished each others sentences – but had different interests.

I saw the way he looked at her … after decades.

And from humble beginnings, astounding fairy tales begin. No matter how long it takes.