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Monday Musing

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Monday.

One of the first sentences I heard today was “I think you’re too hard on yourself.”

The source was a man who I work with by association, and he barely knows me.

I tend to take all comments to heart.  I absorb them, dissect them, process them.

This morning though, not so much.  I just said, “Yeah, I think you’re right”

And he is.

I need to be kinder to myself.

Just this weekend I realized in the process of striving to grow, heal and improve – I had become my own bully.

I find the people that barely know me, have a better perspective than those with a lot of information.

Who we are on the surface, if we’re being authentic, really is a very accurate glimpse of who we really are deep inside.

You can judge my book by my cover apparently – as I’m very easy to read and wear my heart on my sleeve.

And I’m open to hearing what my cover is saying to people.

I think that for me, not wanting people to judge me until they know ‘the whole story’ is a cop out.  It’s directly contradictory to the theory that we decide how to behave and choose who to be.  My story is nothing more than an excuse.

My actions today – my cover – my choices … are who I am.

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I had become …

Comfortably numb.

This will be a serious post.

Over 9000 people have read my words.  9000 people  have in essence, read my diary.

I’m undergoing a metamorphosis of sorts.  Still safe in my cocoon, but allowing myself to grow and change and take one of the dead bolts off of a door of opportunity.

I imagine I’ll emerge with fragile wings – still clinging to the husk that was my safe place for so long.

I’ll be still – and feel the winds of change around me and know that they are making me stronger – drying those wings.

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I’ve been deep in thought, in my cocoon.  Contemplating, pondering, analyzing, processing.   This is how I do things.  I do not chide myself for this.

After years of foolish abandon, how can I not believe this to be growth?

I processed Nic growing from child to man – you were there with me. Thank you.

I processed my past to some relief – you were there with me.  Thank you.

Is it any wonder my profession is that of Processor?  Funny, I hadn’t thought about that until just now.

I take information given to me and make sense of it.  Turn it into something real – affording customers I come to adore a home.

I make it personal.

I make it personal … at work, with strangers that become friends.

Yet I still struggle with taking my personal life to another level.

I joke about becoming a cat lady – but really, I was going to be okay with that.

I had become, comfortably numb.

But, I’ve been listening to music lately.  Not the radio.  But, deep immersion – head phones, staring up at the night sky – feeling as though I’m on the prespicice of something.  An awakening.

My heart swells and my soul warms my shell.

A new chapter is perhaps ready to be written.

And if you’re here with me – thank you.