Beauty (and the insecurity beast)


A man said to me today, “Does your guy know how skinny and beautiful you are?”

Any other time and I would have been offended – I am uncomfortable receiving compliments – I have learned to say ‘Thank you” but – mostly I’m in knots inside not wanting to be noticed.

I’m not a ‘girly’ girl.  I don’t wear heels, don’t need spas or salons or haircuts.  I don’t dye my hair or buy purses or shoes.  My favorite flower is the tiny grass daisy.

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I really try not to call attention to myself.  I don’t wear a lot of jewelry – will only wear silver-colored metals – no super short skirts or low-cut tops.  I wear minimal make up, no colored polish on my fingernails and no busy patterns on my clothes.

Today, I responded in a moment of complete honesty.  I surprised myself when I looked him in the eye and said, “You know, I’m scared I’m not enough.”

He looked at me and asked, “Does he know your heart?  That you’re beautiful inside?”

“Yes.  I think so.”

And I know that’s what counts.  I’m not shallow.  I’m not ignorant.

But if I’ve ever wanted to feel beautiful, to be looked upon through the eyes of someone special and seen as beautiful – it’s now.

The knots inside are of a new kind.  Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder – and there are eyes I want to please.

And what if I’m not enough?

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About debaucherysoup

I've traveled 4 continents, affording me experiences and adventures to last a lifetime. Most important was the exposure to other cultures, beliefs and lifestyles. I'm also mom to one of the most amazing human beings I know.

Posted on December 2, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. In all the world there is only one Amanda…and you are complete in all that you are, the rest of the story is the part that is incomplete, as it should be- lovely Lady!

  2. Vanity is not attractive. “Look At Me” types annoy me and it’s just as much a guy thing as it is a girl thing. Hooker heels, over use of make up, clothes that tease are fine and dandy but if it’s an every day thing, then it becomes an insult. To me a woman is attractive if I know she is going to be as much or more attractive without trying to be so, who does not crave the attention.

    Dang it, I am having a hard time saying what I want to say.

    Honestly, the guy’s comment creeps me out a bit simply because it crosses the line of what is appropriate in my book, but maybe just maybe it was meant the right way. You took the message well.

    • Thank you for your thoughtful comment. The man was coming from a sweet place, and usually I still would have felt uncomfortable, but yesterday – I think he got more than he bargained for when I actually responded. It had been on my mind. No, vanity is not attractive – but neither is insecurity – and that’s what I need to work on I think. Having faith that I am enough.

      • I am married to a woman who is much the same way you are. It’s disappointing at times because, well, as her husband I love to be able to compliment her. I understand why compliments are rejected, the whole insecurity issue, but boys dream of the day when they have someone who they can permanently adore and men are just grown up boys!

      • Oh that’s so sweet! I definitely wouldn’t have a problem with accepting compliments from a partner. It’s strangers that make me nervous. For reasons I haven’t, and probably won’t share – for a while anyway. Your wife is a lucky lady 🙂

  3. Not trying to “derail” what you are saying because I so get it (I have a very hard time with compliments) and you are beautiful but I sure wish someone’s weight/body shape did not need to be mentioned in said compliment. Know what I mean?

    • Exactly. I find it odd and uncomfortable. Why is it okay to comment on someone’s size? Big OR small? I want to tell people to keep their eyes on their own paper. Beauty comes in all sizes … For me, it’s a back handed compliment when someone says I’m thin. It’s usually said with some derision. I prefer compliments about a talent or a kindness … not my shell.

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