It’s what you say when you’re alone …
This is my 10th day alone in the house. I’ll preface the rest of the crap I’m about to type with the following: I don’t mind hanging out alone. I like myself. Therefore, I like my company.
Now onto the crap.
It’s quite a thing to spend time with ‘you’. Only you. Face to face with you you you. No buffer – no distraction.
I was doing okay.
Although, I’ve gained 7 pounds – which, will please those who believe me to be underweight, but it doesn’t please me.
Been talking to myself (and the dog) a lot.
I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not that you do talk to yourself, what you have to pay attention to is what you are saying when you’re alone.
My verbal quips have been quite upbeat – so I’m no lost cause by any means. Yet.
Last week, every work day felt like it needed to be Friday. It was quite possibly the longest week in history. By Thursday, a little ‘lonely’ was creeping in once I did get home. Couldn’t sleep.
Put ear buds in and decided to dance.
I took the volume all the way up to 11 and busted some moves to this:
It felt great. Seriously. No matter what your genre of choice is – tell me you can’t turn this up and not at least tap a toe. C’mon. Try.
I happen to love everything from Public Enemy to Mozart – so I’m all over the place with my musical escapes.
Then I slept naked. Yup. I went for it. I was modest in front of the dog though.
Then came the weekend.
I was so ready for Friday. OH so ready.
My heart has been hurting lately, and not for any physical reasons.
The heart breaker is feeling her heart breaking. And it sucks.
Then I stumbled upon this welcome distraction:
I wish I had written down every single quote that made my jaw drop in ‘OMG – that is SO true’ or ‘OMG – that is SO me’ fashion – because I couldn’t find any of them online. I’ll be paraphrasing this amazing show that I finished watching all 13 episodes of Season 1 of today.
Orange Is The New Black is AMAZING. And lives up to its tagline – ‘Every sentence is a story’. The writing is phenomenal.
There was a moment when Piper, the main character, is having her hair washed by a fellow inmate. She says something along the lines of ‘it just feels so good to be touched.’ Yeah.
I know that feeling. Not sex. Just … to be touched. By another human being. A hug – a shoulder rub – a tug of the hair. Just – human contact.
Of course, it’s Saturday, so I will be leaving the house. To another place with no other humans. Besides my full-time weekday job – I do a side job. Not only do I process the loans for the realtors I work with, I scrub their toilets and empty their trash too.
From solitary to work detail. A furlow. LOL!
I AM GRATEFUL. I feel I need to say that.
But – to be honest, I wish I didn’t have to have a side job. It’s something I take pride in, but as I’m cleaning for that extra income, I do feel a bit sad.
I work really hard but, what have I done for me?
I won’t let anyone else do anything FOR me – and I don’t have the energy or motivation to change my situation. There’s a problem.
I got Nic out of the Country … and he’s having a great time in England. So that counts.
Meanwhile, I’ve become this self-imposed Segregated Housing Unit.
I’ve got to find out if I’m waiting in vain for something my heart wants – and take the time to get over that dream if that is the case.
And find another dream.
Not another person – let me be clear on that too. Because it’s taken me my whole life to stumble upon someone whose heart I would not break.
I don’t have the desire to entertain the notion of anyone else.
There’s so much more I want to purge onto this virtual page – but can’t. I hate that.
I hate editing myself.
Perhaps that’s why I talk out loud in the privacy of my home – why I dance when no one is watching.
And Netflix, could you hurry up with Season 2?