The great dead-beat-dad debate. Advice and Opinions welcomed.




Topic was brought up by my son this afternoon.  “You should sue my bio”.

Oh boy – here we go again.

The ‘child support’ clock is ticking – in 5 months, my son will be 18

Don’t think I haven’t thought about it – but the conclusion I come to every time is that we’re better off emotionally without him in our lives and I’d rather have my serenity and a peaceful heart than his money.

I don’t want to be vengeful.

Bothers me a little that my son wants compensation when he’s never actually gone without.  There’s even been a few Christmas lists that he really had to think about because he already had everything that could have been on that list.

I don’t feel like we’ve missed out on anything?

Would it have been nice to be able to go on vacations?  Of course.  Would it be nice to have that little extra for when unexpected emergencies arose?  Of course.  But we made it.

We managed to make the best of what we had and did not go without.

No, there’s not been the latest, greatest, shiniest – and things did get really financially hard for a while.  But we made it.

Why would I want someone in my son’s life that doesn’t want to be there?

I want peace, not court ordered,  begrudgingly doled out money.

Of course, times like right now in my life, it sure would come in handy.  But at what cost??

In the bigger picture, I’d like Nic to learn from everything we’ve gone through together.  To step up and be a father when that time comes.  To appreciate what he has versus what he doesn’t.  To let resentments go.

I don’t resent his ‘bio’.  If not for him there would be no Nic.

I do have a beef with his self-centered absence from conception to now.  As much as I try to explain to Nic that he shouldn’t take that personally – it’s bound to have an effect on him.  But how can it truly be personal?   He didn’t choose not to be Nic’s father, he chose not to BE a father.  Period.  He didn’t know Nic. If he had, and had walked out, I could definitely see the logic in taking that personally.

I need some insight here.

I need opinions and thoughts because my son believes we ‘deserve’ for ‘bio’ to make a financial amends – and I do not.  I think we are happy – why mess with that?

I am open to the possibility that this could also be my pride and I could be wrong.

But seriously, why go through agencies, paternity tests, lawyers – for a monthly recompense?  The stress of just initiating the whole process – is it worth it?

Honestly, I wouldn’t even know how to begin such a process.  And I definitely don’t have the money for an attorney.

He should have been contributing to raising his son for 17 years, and did not.  This is true. But I just think it’s too late now.

Would love some thoughts on this.

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About debaucherysoup

I've traveled 4 continents, affording me experiences and adventures to last a lifetime. Most important was the exposure to other cultures, beliefs and lifestyles. I'm also mom to one of the most amazing human beings I know.

Posted on October 6, 2012, in Motherhood, My Favorites and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Are you syre uts jyst a money thing? wgen..I was 18 my mo.reached out to my dead beat dad. Although he paid child support, I hadnt seen him since.1989. She thought it would be agood gesture on his oart to send me a graduatuin gift. Of xourse that back fired. He wrote.anasty letter statibg he had done his duty as my father and would not conract me further….and he didnt. I finally reconnectrd with him in 2009, after he had a health.scare, I realized I

    neeeded closure.

    • Nic may want to reach out.to his dad, hes probably super pissed at him. He probably has so many emotions and figures he can get back at him it should not be about pride, use the money for nic for.college, for a.car of his own. My mom never spent a dime of my child.support it went dirextly to my horses.
      I say go.for.it. There is so much assistance out.there for lawyers and such.
      and maybe it will make the bio remeber hid son

      • He says doesn’t want anything to do with him. I’ve assured him should that stance change, I would not be offended. It’s his choice. We do not have a way to contact him right now – it would take a P.I. to find him. This was triggered watching a show where the mom was struggling and not getting her ‘settlement’. I think Nic is just seeing how much easier things could be.

  2. Hoo-Boy, that’s not an easy question. On the one hand, you made it very clear from the moment Nic was conceived that you wanted no part in that scum-bag’s life. You asked for nothing but to be left alone. And you did it! You raised a most amazing young man on your own, with no help from Scum-bag.

    On the other hand, your life has not been the easiest. A little extra money at this time could be helpful. Think college tuition, for example. Most attorneys will charge nothing unless they win the case. And Scum-bag could possibly use a little eleventh hour instant karma to hit him between the eyes.

    Will it be stressfull? No doubt. Consider your health. But it will not hurt to investigate your options. Take it slow (with deep, cleansing breaths), let the lawyer handle confrontations and pray that Scum-bag is a politician, a priest and/or fabulously wealthy. Good luck.

    • This is why I needed other opinions and thoughts. I love everything I’ve heard so far. I don’t know if I’m the one to dole out karma though. The fact that he has a son that he’s had nothing to do with, surely has brought about some discomfort or regret in and of itself? I should hope so anyway. I don’t mean I hope he’s had a difficult life, I don’t wish that on anyone – but I do hope he’s considered from time to time that he was wrong to shrug off his parental opportunity and learned from it. Nic does deserve things like medical insurance and college money – but again, at what cost? If Nic needs closure, he can pursue that when he’s ready, and I will support and help him with that. As for me, I don’t need it. Not in this circumstance.

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