Losing the moon …

Heard this song today and thought I should get this little detail out of the way …

Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alright

But it hurts when I think, when I let it sink in
It’s all over me
I know you’re here in the dark
Watching you sleep, it hurts alot

All I know is, you’ve got to give me everything
Nothing else cause, you know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am
I’m handing over everything that I got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don’t ever want to have to go and give you up

Stay up till 4 in the morning, and the tears are pouring
And I wanna make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we’re gonna do it, come on and do it right

All I wanted was to know I’m safe
Don’t want to loose the love I’ve found
Remember when you said that would change?
Don’t let me down

It’s not fair, how you are
I can’t be complete
Can you give me more?

All I know is, you’ve got to give me everything
Nothing else cause, you know I give you all of me …

That’s a portion of Gwen Stefani’s song ‘4 in the Morning’ (Great concert by the way) 

The significance is that it was my ex-husbands favorite track on the Sweet Escape album. (Album? Do we still say that?  I truly don’t know).

Now, there’s always at least two sides to every story – and I’m not going to put him down here.

The good times were really really good.  I was very comfortable with him.  We laughed a LOT, we played a lot, we were friends.  We had tons in common and he was thoughtful and giving and I never thought for one second that he didn’t love me.

My drinking was increasingly becoming a problem. Every time I drank, we would argue.  He’d say it was just the alcohol – I’d counter with, ‘NO! These are REAL issues, I’m just brave enough to be able to mention them when I drink!’  There was no winning.  We both lost.  I told him I would stop.  And he thought I did.

I have to be honest, hiding it was a high in and of itself.  My little secret. My thing that I had that was mine. Hey – as ugly as it was, it was mine and no one knew.

I wasn’t falling down, passing out in my own vomit, not taking care of the home or family, beating the children OR kicking the dog  but – I was blacking out, not completely available or present and I was MISERABLE.

I was hiding my drinking for over a year.  I was emotionally and spiritually deflated.  It got to the point that I couldn’t stop on my own and that scared me! I decided enough was enough, and when I had one complete day sober,  I came clean with him that I had never stopped.

In my early sobriety I told him I didn’t want to be married to him anymore. It dawned on me after he left that ‘4 in the Morning’ was his song to me.  (he mentioned the song A LOT – took some time with a clear head for that to click)

Ending the marriage is not something I regret. I hadn’t been happy in it for a while. But, I do regret that he didn’t have the sober wife he deserved.  He did deserve that.

I’ve learned a lot in my sobriety and one of the most important things (and the way I like to sum it up) is that we need to keep our eyes on our own paper.

Someone else’s actions may very well be responsible for your pain or anger, but, we only have the power to change our part in it.  Whether that part is staying in a bad situation, allowing toxic behavior or whether you have a huge part that you need to make amends for and be willing to make serious changes to correct.

I told him before our divorce was final how very sorry I was for my part.   He accepted my apology and told me he just wanted me to be happy.

Well, I haven’t had a drink in exactly 948 days today.  And I couldn’t be happier.

About debaucherysoup

I've traveled 4 continents, affording me experiences and adventures to last a lifetime. Most important was the exposure to other cultures, beliefs and lifestyles. I'm also mom to one of the most amazing human beings I know.

Posted on September 22, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. This made me remember when I was 19 in the thick of my own addiction, my mom gave me book the.childrens’ book, “the.giving tree” she also gave me a hundred dollars. At the time i.cared more.about.the money.but as ive.gotten older, and sober, the significance of the book.has set in.
    Congratulations.on your sobriety. Its a gift only you can keep. No one can take your sobriety just the same as no one can make you sober. I know the road you struggled

  2. My.phone.would not let me continue. So I guess ill end.with thus. Thank you for sharing amanda

  3. Ricardo Recovery

    1028 days/88 million heartbeats sober today…….. Simply GRATEFUL

  4. Ricardo Recovery

    Nice to have you on this Journey on this Highway!!!!!!

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