Blog Archives
Pass as Paper
Some weeks pass as paper – crossed off day by day.
I’ve begun to feel the future as a countdown to ‘too late’.
It used to be different – there was something to look forward to
at the completion of inked slashes.
A trip – a birthday – the arrival of a visitor.
I forget to change the page anymore.
One day winds into the next –
a weekend not even two days.
“Where has the month gone?”
I hear this – I say nothing.
I’m agreeing in silent thought.
Where has it gone.
Where has the last year gone.
Waiting and crossing days off in my head.
Special days arrive unfulfilled
Mentally crossed off.
My trust and faith chipping away.
Jaded.
Used.
Exhausted.
Turning pages of a cowards calendar.
Too much
It’s true.
And I’m okay with that.
Thinking too much feeds my imagination, my curiosity, my spirituality – my heart and my soul.
As long as I’m aware it is ‘too much’, and am able to set aside the findings with emotional health and a clearer understanding – it is a positive thing.
I am someone who craves truth.
If a thought occurs to me to which I don’t have an answer – I must find it!
From researching a topic to examining my own feelings.
I love to dig deep and discover.
If I’m not being genuinely me, I am emotionally, physically and mentally in turmoil. Even if I cross a line – ask too much – indulge in brief, unwarranted sadness – I can feel that I’ve at least been true to myself.
Truth I feel is internal – and honesty for me, is external.
I can’t lie.
I used to be able to – which was never a good thing. But in my quest to like myself – improve myself and heal myself – I evolved.
I obey laws and rules – admit when I’ve made mistakes – answer personal questions with complete honesty, (no matter how hard it is to share) – I tell the people I love that I love them, and when I don’t know where I stand – I ask.
It has been a relief to live in an untangled web.
Debauchery Soup 