I did it. After watching a pretty awesome video on Netflix about YouTube I created a channel.
Yes. I will be live and in person and
very vulnerable excited to share more of me with you.
This blog has meant the world to me – now I’m opening the door a little further because I love sharing!
“Sharing means caring” pops into my Barney memory bank and oozes out to my QWERTY fingertips.
I hope you like. I hope you subscribe. It’s awful – I know. But I’ll find SUCH ways to have fun with this.
I almost didn’t come today.
My son has been out-of-town the past week and so other than one stray sock I found of his, and Butter’s bath towel, laundry consisted of only my items – which wasn’t much.
I came when I realized I would need underwear.
Speaking of underwear, I got my morning off to a roaring start when I realized I put the pair I’m sporting today on inside-out. *sigh* I wondered if it was still ok to turn them – is it like food? Is there a 5 second rule with wayward underwear?
Since I’d just got out of the shower and am hygienic anyway, I did the switch.
The upside to only having my items in the washing machine, is that I didn’t have to check pockets for paper, thumb drives or money.
I also almost didn’t ‘muse’ today – because as they say ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
But, here we go.
My car has had some issues and trust me when I say, nothing strikes fear into my anxiety ridden heart more than ‘car issues’.
The long and short of it is it broke, was fixed – broke again. I borrowed my son’s car which also managed to break on me. I am car cursed. No doubt. I shall go back to my broomstick soon if I have one more issue.
I won’t get into details – but suffice it to say, I’ve been subsiding on oatmeal, spinach and peanut and jelly sandwiches. Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it could sure as hell make having unexpected issues a little less painful on the pocket-book.
The second fix I could not afford and had to do what I’m REALLY not good at – accept help. Thanks mom.
Hate knowing I owe somebody something – but transportation is necessary.
Wishing this tow guy could just follow me around everywhere at this point.
Next topic – ‘Cute bug and Candy Wrapper’
Early in the week I went to fetch the office mail – it’s a small little walk to some cluster boxes. I take the opportunity to check on my pigeons (who I’m glad to announce, are rebuilding their nest. HA!)
Meandering back – I noticed a bug on a curb, nestled up against a Starburst candy wrapper. (my favorite flavor too – the pale pink – whatever the heck flavor that is)
I rushed in to grab my ipad and scurried back out to take a picture.
It wasn’t until closer inspection that I noticed things weren’t as they seemed. Instead of a bug being fond of a candy wrapper and snuggling up with it – it was a piece of litter and a dead bug.
Hey – to anyone that says I am a pessimist – remember this bug story! (Mom) I had such a great back story for the bug too! It was so freaking adorable in all its pink wrapper snuggling.
We did have a lovely bug story happen later that week at work though.
We’ve been hearing chirping. Cricket chirps and tried several times to find the source.
Last week we found it.
As an ‘Office Warming’ gift, we were given a plant. I’ve been caring for it and it’s thriving. (shocking considering my black thumb).
Anyway, one of the owners pulled the plant out of its basket and told me to come look.
The basket was sealed in plastic – and UNDER that, were at least a dozen little crickets!
They must have been born between the wicker and the layer of plastic.
“Let’s cut them free!”
We did – and as the owner let them outside I was overjoyed.
It was their first time out! The owner joked as we watched them head in different directions “I found a leaf!” voicing the one he was watching.
I named my cricket Mr. Nobbleheimer. I haven’t seen him since.
I’ll keep my eyes peeled for him though. I wonder what amazing outdoor things he’s discovered.
Probably by now he’s stumbled upon the candy wrapper bug – I hope he was momentarily charmed by it.
I had a post decided for today – and it was dark. It was to be about my current mood – still ensconced in heart ache. It was to be about feeling Hopeless. No longer expecting anything with any measure of confidence for myself – no longer cherishing or desiring with anticipation.
But as a believer in contagious moods and in keeping with looking for good – I made the decision to apply that to myself.
I declared today Pajama Day! And as I lay on my bed watching a movie – a ray of light found its way onto my television screen.
I paused the movie, fetched a beautiful piece of material to cover the sheer curtain on the offending window and stopped. And noticed. And was inspired.
I give you – Behind the Curtain.
This is what I saw – and it caught my breath. I had covered my Thai Buddha and plant while shutting out the light – and in the process, brought some into myself.
I was fascinated and began to play.
I looked around my room for other suitable silhouettes.
I so love the elbow pushing against the cloth during this ‘embrace’
And lastly – the ‘offending’ window – that brought unexpected light.
To you today I say: May your mundane astound you, and may you stop and notice beauty even with a heavy heart. – Amanda
When it rains, it pours. Seriously – the universe sometimes has a mean streak and when you’re down it puts its kicking shoes on.
Or, more likely, the depleted positivity of the person in an emotional fetal position is exuding ‘kick me’ vibes.
I’ll preface all of this by acknowledging that yes, a lot of people have it a lot worse.
You can’t say you’re having a bad day anymore without someone pointing out that someone, somewhere is on their death-bed and so ‘get over it.’
I know this – because I was one of those people. Until I read something that made me chuckle a little and change my point of view.
“Saying someone can’t feel sad because someone else has it worse, is like saying someone can’t feel happy because someone else has it better.”
So I don’t discount bad days anymore.
Oh, I’m also notorious for the whole ‘there are no bad days’ quote – yeah well, sometimes a day has enough suck in it to call for a write off.
The entire past week has been ‘one of those days’.
From the aforementioned heart-break – to car problems – to the timely ‘discovery’ or ‘landing’ of Freddy Kreuger in my uterus on Columbus Day.
I’ve been miserable. And no one likes a miserable person.
They skirt around you like you’re carrying a new strain of the plague and nothing beats alienation to cheer a miserable person up. (Sarcasm: I’m still capable of it.)
Then they make it worse by continuing to ask ‘How are you?’ to which, you’d better answer ‘fine’ or ‘good’ because that’s all they want to hear.
It takes time to get over something! So stop asking how I am unless you want the truth!!!
My son asked me the other day how I was feeling.
My answer was ‘Lonely’ – which is SO not me. But that’s exactly how I was feeling the moment he asked.
I was home alone with the dog at the time – who is currently nursing her plastic ‘babies’ again –so even she was busy. (Yes, yes I know! I have to get her spayed – but I had the whole jobless situation for a while and life got in the way)
Back to the phone call.
So I answer “Lonely” and he responds to that in a slightly irritated tone: “What are you going to do when I leave for college??”
We ended that call.
I’ve faired quite well on my own – and while I’ll miss my favorite person on the planet – I won’t shrivel up and cease to be. Sorry son – you are my world and I would lay down and die for you, but I do have other resources to survive on the planet.
Like ice cream … and cake … and … Oh God, don’t GO!
Started out pretty good.
Late morning, I saw a friends’ status that had me in tears literally laughing out loud.
I often laugh for no apparent reason at my desk – so much so, that one of the owners has named ‘uncontrollable-outbursts-of-desk-laughter-that-no-one-knows-the-source-of’ after me.
I know this because late in the day, she burst out laughing and followed it up with ‘I pulled an Amanda’.
(To be fair, and to avoid suspicion of insanity – I do not actually laugh for no apparent reason – I’m usually remembering something funny.)
The status that had me doubled over in hysterical laughter was this one:
“Just shared this with a friend to cheer her up and decided you lot should share in the joy.
I have just lectured a boardroom full of execs on something and as I sat down with a satisfied 'That told them' feeling I farted. Not quietly. Not short.
I may move countries. My career is dead here.”
Of course everyone able to see her status loved it and wanted to know more, especially what she did afterwards – which turned out to be following it up with an embarrassed wink.
So perfect. I can imagine that entire scene in a film.
I’m shaking with laughter just typing that out.
I love that she shared it – I love that we were all laughing WITH her. No doubt recollecting our most embarrassing moments and commiserating.
We’re all human – anyone that doesn’t find that funny has issues with their own bodily functions.
Okay – so far so good right? Good tummy aching laugh and productivity.
Next up, “Field Trip!” I needed to take my car to a mechanic for the big assessment and one of my bosses has a shop he trusts.
Plan was, he would take me home to fetch my car – then follow me to the shop to be sure I made it there, then we’d return to work.
Bonus was that there were work related errands on the way! (No sarcasm) It was nice to get out of the office and out in public on official business.
He introduced me to the office supply employee as his friend from work – and went on to add (after I could not stop touching things at the counter) ‘special friend’ as in – helmet kind of special.
At the locksmith, I played with the various locks and devices while we waited for a key to be cut. “You don’t get out much do you?” It wasn’t a question. He was right. Couldn’t argue with that one.
So I just kept playing with safes, pretending I was cracking the combinations and said ‘Shhhh’.
Got the car safely to the shop and back to work we went.
Shortly after was when my body said “Done!” The stress of the past week or so finally hitting me and physically exacerbating my heart condition.
I sat with my heart thudding and breathed through dizzy spells. I did all of this while sitting at my desk after it was time to go not trusting myself to be behind the wheel of a car.
I wanted to be home. But there are other people on the road that don’t want me to be home at their expense.
I do care about others.
Half an hour later I felt confident enough to navigate a car.
I arrived home and noticed the dogs bowl was almost empty of water.
Put my purse down, filled the bowl and stood up –
The sound of my head meeting a very hard edge of my hutch.
Bells rang – tears sprang to my eyes.
I staggered from the middle of the kitchen to the freezer, grabbed 3 ice cubes, and somehow through my blurred vision, managed to find an Easter treat bag to put them in. (Note to self: Buy sandwich/freezer bags.)
I stood in that kitchen and cried.
My head hurt – a lot. I was dizzier now than before and just … done.
I sobbed for a few minutes before shuffling to my son’s room.
There he sat with headphones on.
He looked up at me, holding an Easter Bunny compress on my head – my face streaked with tears as I said “You’re useless with those headphones on.”
I returned to the kitchen and he followed me there.
That’s when I did the ‘Can you look?? I don’t want to look!’ thing.
I get a little unsettled having a wound revealed – and was not going to be the discoverer.
He checked and said he saw nothing.
“I know the answer.” I said. “The answer to what will you do when I leave to college” .
We both said the answer at about the same time.
Which was ‘die’.
I’ll probably trip over something and go unnoticed for days.
I did end up with a cherry sized knot on my head – ok, maybe it was blueberry. But my head hurt. I was ready for bed and it was only 6pm.
Then the locust came.
I’m terrified of unpredictable nature. Not lions or tigers or sharks … not that kind of unpredictable. I mean, flying, leaping, rapid crawling or fluttering nature that gets up in your face. Moths, spiders, wasps, cockroaches, beetles, the entire Solifugae order… and locusts.
One had found its way into our home and was thudding loudly in my lamp shade.
They seriously THUD. Creeps me out.
They can’t weigh that much can they??
To make that much of a thud – seriously – how much energy is being put into that hop/fly motion? There’s an inertia formula that probably would come in handy here. Algebra – it DOES have a place in everyday life!
(IS inertia even the right word? Doesn’t matter – you all know what I mean. Velocity? It matters – I can’t move on until we have this right. I think it’s right. We’re moving on.)
I remember in India – there was a flying beetle that if thudded into you, could actually leave a bruise! One landed on your arm and it was like getting hit by a bug brick. Ginormous freaking winged beetles. No wonder I’m traumatized.
Anyway – I didn’t want it getting me.
I also didn’t want to get off of the couch – but could not settle with it jumping and flying and thudding. I fetched a cup and an envelope and caught it on the wall and put it outside.
I was done with the living room – wanted my bed.
Nature called first – and as I sat, vulnerable, mid tinkle – I noticed out of the corner of my eye – another freaking locust on the wall. Above me. To my left.
Literally caught with my pants down.
I was thinking at that point, f&%* it.
Land on me and just end my beating heart.
You know you’ve had a crappy month when you’ve ended your day stuck on a toilet, with a knot on your head, mascara stained cheeks and a locust threatening to attack.
I managed to finish unscathed – capture the flipping thing and release it back into the wild.
Face washed, teeth brushed, I hit my knees to pray to the God who’s probably still really pissed off about my blasphemous post and then hit my pillow.
Butters nested next to me with her babies.
Sleep found me quickly.
I’m out of most everything – but get paid today. Although, depending on the diagnosis of my car’s transmission issue – there may not be any pay left for such frivolities like food and coffee.
Head still hurts.
Oh! And I managed to super glue my thumb to my shoe.
I’d shake my fist at the Universe – but I’d probably end up accidentally whacking my arm on something in the process.
… to be continued
I have decided that it is not the heart that breaks, but hope.
A broken heart would be incapable of feeling- and so considering the pain mine is experiencing, it is obviously in cruel working order.
I find myself again balanced on a high, thin, internet wire – having to carefully step by the meat of a story out of respect for others involved.
The long and short of it is – I don’t want to be here today. Here where just short days ago I was accompanied by someone very special.
The rainbow umbrella I have joked about in past posts seems duller.
The coffee I’m drinking tastes blander.
I’m in a robotic mode going through my days now, and have shed so many tears, if I were an actual robot, my lids would be seized closed from rust.
I lay in bed last night watching Lark Rise to Candleford and heard this dialogue:
It trumps our best intentions – our better selves.
And seems to be the thing we humans have the hardest time forgiving. Isn’t that odd?
I came across this beautiful picture by Zhang Jingna while contemplating writing my story in Fairy Tale format – I quickly dismissed the idea. It was to have a Peasant, who had built up a wall in which she lived behind in a harsh environment – a Prince who would travel from a distant land and a small, angry blue gnome who meddled in matters of the heart.
The picture I will share though – it so encompasses how I am feeling.
I lay on my mothers chest yesterday – for the first time in years. She stroked my hair the way she did when I was little. I let the tears fall onto her pink top and while it was a little awkward at first, I think for both of us, I soon found myself gripping her tighter and not wanting to ever let go.
My son – oh … my son. He sat and told me that he gets his compassion from me. His creativity from me. His love of things different from me. He said he would always be my man – and he hugged me tight these past days. This child I used to hold when ever he was hurting has become a young man whose eyes mirrored my pain and understood and reached out.
My friends – I have been given words from people who care from me that I will treasure always. I did not know I mattered in ways that were expressed. That meant so much to hear.
So my hope is not completely broken.
I still see such good.
I still see beauty.
I will not rush my healing, but let my heart and hope rebuild in time.
I will wish the Prince a peaceful heart and a happy life – because when we love someone, that’s what we want for them.
No matter if we are blessed to be a part of it or not.
I will continue to look for good in every corner of this beautiful life.
But for now – another Auden writing comes to mind.
I shall end with another Thank You.
To the man who brought rain – I thank you for being the one who I dismantled my wall for. The one who I opened my heart to – the one who gave me hope and had my jaded heart believe in happy ever afters once more.
And while I did not receive the glass slipper, or grow old on a porch with you – I was shown I was capable of wanting those things.
For now I rebuild my wall.
And I mourn until I am capable of letting go.